CHAPTER 5

Safety slips through her fingers.
Her heart pounds slowly in silence.
She isn't breathing.
How many times has this happened before? Far far too many.
More times than she cared to count and even more than she could remember.
Blood rushes to her arms and legs. Her brain suddenly fatigued.
A thousand fears roll into one in an instant and her body feels numb.
Fear is a familiar feeling yet still shocking.
Uncontrollable.
The fear used to be for herself. Her pain. Her emotional turmoil. Her wellbeing.
But this fear is heightened. This fear is for her and someone else. For Jane also.
Fear...somehow it slows time down.
Somehow all her new hopes and dreams collide.
Dreams of spending sunny warm enjoyable days with Jane.
Dreams of being a doctor and helping people.
Hopes of never being afraid of anything again.
The hope of security and independence.

From the moment Jane collided with her it's almost as if time stopped and her mind is in a million memories from her past.
Memories of her childhood, her parents, her marriage, her home, her husband.
She is face to face with her husband now. He glares at her like he always does.
She is alone like all the other times.
No barrier. No shelter. No protection.

His face full to overflowing of anger, an expression so etched on her mind she could draw it with eyes closed. It had haunted her dreams.
It had woken her in cold sweats even after she left him.
It was an expression she was fearfully familiar with. One that never had a happy ending.
It had come within her space thousands of times. Snared at her, spat on her, laughed at her.
She can feel every muscle in her body tensing, her throat tightens.
He is like a bull that sees red. And she is the target.
She clenches her still white fingers, still white from when only a moment ago she gripped the back of Jane's dress with all her strength, holding onto it for sanity.
Wishing her world was sunny and bright too.

She knew it was soft, she chose the fabric herself, she had brushed it against her cheek and knew it was perfect, soft, like the petals of a daffodil.
it was all she could see in front of her. It was all she wanted to see. It hid her from Garrett. It was a bright and beautiful barrier from the dull and frightening on the other side.
A place she never wanted to go again, her guardian the only separation from it.
Funny how less than thirty minutes ago she had admired that dress and the wearer for an entirely different reason. Then she was hiding behind grateful for it in every way. And then it was gone from in front of her leaving her to face those wild raging bull eyes.
His nose even flared slightly and the white of his shirt showed up the red of his neckline.
If she closed her eyes she could have imagined him breathing fire at her and turning her to ash.

She had tried to catch Jane, perhaps to keep some separation between her and the enemy. She wasn't quite sure what happened, but the way Jane jolted backwards into her and then fell backwards against her, heavy and soft all at once, Maura could easily conclude that Garrett had struck her friend, her guardian.

She swallows and it is like sandpaper in her throat.

She heard a hollow yelp behind her, she knows it if from her mother. Her mother seeing a side of him she never had. Her mother appalled at the public display. Her mother not doing anything to her her, help them.

Before she could properly make sense of what happened, and that the danger was closer than before, Jane was on the ground. Her shoulder echoing a dull thud from when Jane collided with her, where it had almost knocked them both down. Perhaps that would have been better. She would have been buried underneath Jane but still safe, safer. Perhaps this whole time safety had been an illusion.
There was no safety under her bed anyway, Garrett would just drag her out. There was no safety hiding in the bathroom, Garrett could knock down the door. There was no safety in the car, Garrett could smash the window.
There was no safety behind Jane, as much bravery and strength that emanated from her, Jane was still smaller and weaker than Garrett.

Jane was ten times him in every way except physical force. Brute force. He was a brute.

The only reason she hadn't ended up under Jane was because of the chair behind her, it kept her feet under her, and Jane had simply slipped through her arms like a rag doll. She wanted to cry. She was too weak to even hold Jane up. She felt pathetic and useless. And why would Jane protect her anyway. She didn't deserve help, and Jane didn't deserve to get hurt.

She is pained and angry at once, and feeling useless and weak she steps across Jane towards Garrett although she doesn't know why.

In the back of her mind she is reminded of how Jane had stepped in front of her to protect her, both today and when they were playing a game. Only this isn't that, and that isn't her, she isn't that brave, or protective, not like Jane, she is always the one stepping behind people.

And while she stares straight at Garrett now, she has no idea why.

Blood rushes past her ears and she forces a breath in.

Is this what fight feels like, she wonders at the same time as eyeing up the green exit sign at the other end of the room.

Her heart beats with a loud thud.

A thud in time with Garretts first step towards her.

A step that paralyses the new air as it reaches her lungs.

Old and new fear like a million times before hits her chest like a freight train.

Fear of day and night. Fear of being alone and not being alone.

When she was little she was scared of monsters hiding in the closet when the light was off. She grew out of that only to be scared of a monster in her bed when the lights were on.
She was scared of the beating and would it stop in time, if anyone would notice the bruises she carefully hid. She wanted someone to see the bloodshot eyes or bruises, but without Garrett knowing. Jane will be bruised now because of her. Because of him.
She wishes to apologise, she hopes she will get the opportunity.

Her heart beats again and Garrett takes another step.

She wants to fall on her knees and plead with him to stop, promise him anything, anything to save Jane. But begging never worked before. Begging never saved her.
Begging put holes in her stockings and more power in his hands.
She was powerless now, and alone, even in a room surrounded by people.

Her heart beats on its own.

Only a few minutes ago, she felt Janes heartbeat, her own had determined to match it, she had pressed closer to it like seeking the truth. and for a moment two hearts beat together, side by side, and she wasn't alone.
Just for a moment. It took away her fear.

But Jane is now at her feet not moving. A reddening contusion already starting to show on her cheekbone.
She could feel the pain herself, sharp in her memory from all those times. She would always remember that pain. That terrified, shocked, confused, dangerous pain. How many times had she stared back at him, holding her cheek under shaking fingers, holding back tears, unbelieving and yet expecting more.
How many times had the shock left her speechless.
How many times had she prayed it was over.
How many times had she cried out and been punished.
How many times had she been punished for flinching, for acting afraid, for, as her put it, not trusting him.

He is approaching now. Footstep. Heat-beat. Breath. Fear.

Her palms are wet and her mind is racing.

How many times had she sobbed so hard he had just turned and walked away. Victorious.
How many times had she sobbed in gratitude he was gone.

Too many.

But she wasn't crying now.
She wasn't running, or praying or hiding.
She was facing head on, like Jane had taught her to do.
Like Jane had done in the waterfight. Janes body was strong and brave, and she drew strength from holding onto it, and from remembering how it had held her. Tightly. Reassuringly.
Everything would be ok.
She had never been held like that before. Casually but with promise. Protected. Protected like she felt moments ago.
A human form that had no evil intent against her. No purpose to harm her or intimidate her.
It calmed her. It was the opposite of fear. Fear was so loud. Her own pulse banging like a drumbeat in her ears, loud and drowning out everything else around her including her own thoughts.

Fear couldn't grip her this time, because she thought of the security she had with Jane.
Warm and safe. Indescribable.
It was like a hug, it was like her fathers hugs he gave her when he got back from his trips. It was like Angela's warm and bouncy hugs.
It never was kind then turned on her, surprised her, It was unfaltering. Consistent. And she could step right up against it whenever she needed without question, without fear. It would embrace her fiercely and never ask why.
She could depend on Jane to never hurt her, to always protect her...forever.
Sparkling bright playful eyes that never showed anger or hate.
Soft. Firm. Safe. Loved.
She hadn't expected to have be hugging Jane in a play-fight to this now, Jane being her true defender. She holds onto what love felt like, looked like.
Jane is firm, strong, fearless, growing larger in the face of danger, strength radiating out from her. A forcefield. A steady strength that comforted her...comforts her.

It happens instinctually.

She doesn't care that she is undefended.

That Garrett is right there with nothing to stop him grabbing her, hitting her, harming her.

All she cares about is Jane, on the floor, because of her. Eyes closed like she is sleeping.

And she is now the barrier between Jane and those that would take advantage of her and hurt her. Her mother. Her husband. Hundreds of prying eyes. Hatefulness and wrath.

"Back off", Maura yells with such authority that Garrett freezes and everyone else seems to stop moving and breathing.

She stares at him directly, firmly, her fists balls as if ready to swipe at him.

And she falls to her knees and cups Jane's face in her hands, one finger gently stroking an already raised and reddening cheek.

"Jane, can you hear me?"

She keeps her voice soft and calm despite her racing heart.

Jane's pulse shows in tiny beats through her skin just above her clavicle and her breaths quick flares out through her nose. Maura feels relief even though Jane doesn't respond.

"Jane." Maura offers softly again.

She can hear, or perhaps feel, Garrett beginning to move closer to her again, like a sixth sense, like history.

She spins to face Garrett, he still looks angry. She feels beyond angry, vindicated perhaps.

She glares at him because she is no longer afraid. She doesn't need to stand, to try to match him, be equal, or taller.

She is not afraid.

The worst he can do in a crowd like this is put her on the ground beside Jane, in front of an audience, in front of her mother.

Because he had already done the worst he could do to her and she survived. Fear made no difference, it didn't protect her.

"Someone...Grab him", Maura says strongly still facing her perpetrator. Her voice is commanding and she can't hear any quiver in it.

Two waiters standing closest look at each other.

She smiles at herself, at her fearlessness, "Oh...and call the police."

Garrett looks around at the black and white dressed waiters and with a dark look dares them to touch him. Maura doesn't care what he does, or what they do, so long as he stays away from her, from Jane.

"Please Jane." She says as a whisper now giving Jane her full attention, fighting to hold back tears, leaning as close as she can.

Janes eyelids flicker slightly and a groan slips out between her lips.

She smiles with relief. She smiles at the way Jane begins to recover, waking like she does at home in the early morning the few times Maura has been able to observe.

And as Janes eyes peek through heavy eyelids, she just can't help herself, the bravery seems to take a new turn, and she leans all the way down and presses her lips against Janes.

Firmly, gratefully.

Its soft and warm and her stomach is all butterflies.

Jane returns the kiss, softly, delicately.

She hears mostly gasps and someone clapping. She is sure the chair feet scrapping is her mother flopping down into a it.

And blood rushes to her head and her palms are sticky.

After what feels like a delightful hour, she finally pulls away for air, to check it's real...and the sparkling brown eyes and glowing smile below her, tell her it is very real.

She had never seen Jane glowing like this before, alight and alive like fireflies at dusk, like Christmas morning, like she could do anything.

She wants to do it again.

She wants to see if she can make that smile even brighter.

But the smile is replaced by a groan when Jane tries to move.

"Don't move Jane, I need to assess you. Where is the pain?"

Jane looks up at her, bemusement, joy. Eyes twinkling again and perhaps now both cheeks looking redder than before, "All over doctor. Would ya kiss it better?"

Maura lightly slaps Jane's arm and manages a laugh "I'm not a doctor yet."

"That's ok, I promise it'll still make me better."

She leans down to give Jane another very light kiss. Too much of an audience for anything more. She is surprised she isn't concerned with what people will think or say.

It lasts longer than she expected but isn't long enough.

And despite knowing anatomy so well, she isn't quite sure where her stomach, heart and throat begin and end.

"Don't cry." Jane whispers.

She smiles back, "Must be tears of joy." Something she had only ever heard about and never known.

And then Jane's eyes widen and she looks past Maura at Garrett, he is partially restrained by two waiters and he looks back at Jane with repulsion by way of a snarl.

"Don't worry about him Jane." Maura smiles as she begins to poke Jane in different areas searching for injury.

"I'm fine." Jane groans softly trying to sit up.

She knows Jane won't lie still and less injury will occur if she helps Jane, so she helps Jane to sit, and then to stand.

Maura watches as she assesses the room, the mother, the husband, herself, and Maura.

"I am fine", she reassures Jane, "Are you?"

Jane steps as close to Maura as possible so they can't be overheard, as whispers in her ear, "Are you really?"

It's so soft it makes her knees weak and her heart grow larger.

"I really am." Maura whispers back softly, leaning in, because it simply feels nice, and right and close.

She doesn't feel fear, or concern. She doesn't want to run. She turns to look at Garrett and she doesn't feel the same in any way.

And she watches as the lead him away. He doesn't struggle. She is sad he doesn't, that he isn't concerned. He acts like he is still winning. Arrogant.

Jane holds her tight and then lets go, moving to sit in the closest chair.

She doesn't let go of Jane's hand, she watches for any sign of emotion, hate or anger or similar.

A waiter presents her with an icepack and she hands it to Jane who accepts it gratefully. A soft smile, but eyes never quite connecting with hers.

It causes worry, she tries to ignore it.

Jane hisses softly as she applies it to her cheek. And for the longest moment neither say a word.

Constance is quietly sitting in the corner trying to not attract attention. A few are whispering amongst themselves at tables nearby, but most have continued, at least on the surface, about their day.

And so she drops to her knees again beside Jane, "I'm so sorry Jane."

Jane frowns, "What Maur?"

She shakes her head and closes her eyes, "You must hate me. Dragging you here, into this mess, getting you hurt..."

"No. No I really don't. It's not your fault at all."

She holds back tears. She stares at Jane. She is confused.

Jane looks right at her now, gently, covering half her face with ice but the rest of her expression is soft.

"Maur. You didn't do this and I'll be fine."

"You got hurt protecting me."

"Yeah...and I'll heal."

"You have to quit your job."

Jane looks confused now, "What? Why?"

"I'm so so sorry. But you can't go back. Garrett knows now."

Jane smirks and ignores the pain it causes her, "Garrett is going away for a looooong time."

She reaches out to gently touch Janes hand, the one holding the icepack, she smiles as Jane leans towards her hand, so trusting. She never had anyone trust her like this before, trust her and protect her, there is no way she is going to let anything destroy that, "I wish that were true."

"Wish?" Jane frowns slightly, "He will get locked up."

She glances across the table at her mother, still sitting like a stunned possum, rocking slightly. Her mother would understand, her mother would know, how can Jane not.

"Even if he did Jane, he knows people. People with money can...buy things."

Jane mumbles under her breath, "I get how money works Maur."

"Freedom. Cops. Henchmen. They can all be brought for a price."

"He can buy freedom?"

"He can buy a reduced sentence. Lawyers that can find loopholes. Not all cops are honest Jane...not all judges are either. He has enough money that whatever punishment he can't buy his way out of will be significantly unjust. If he is incarcerated, it won't be for long. And he could still pay someone to hurt you from anywhere."

Jane half smiles weakly, "You don't know that Maur."

She can't help but swallow her thoughts, her concerns, her need to make Jane understand.

"How about you quit anyway. Become a cop and fix the system so bad guys stay in prison."

"I just might." Jane replies with a twinkle in her eyes, "What naughty things have you done that you've paid your way out of? You got a sealed juvie record I should know about?"

She smiles back for real, course she never did anything illegal or unlawful, except the protest where she rode a horse naked on school property, but Jane doesn't need to know she is a goody-two-shoes, "I'll never tell."

And Jane laughs heartily, "Ok. I will quit. Two reasons, I don't want you to worry. And also because he could use me to find you...follow me to our home...and find you..."

Jane pauses half sentence looking thoughtful.

"What?" She asks trying to hold back worry, at how Jane didn't finish the sentence.

"Maybe we should go into witness protection...together."

She laughs, "I don't think we need to go that far. You won't need your job anyway."

Jane lets Maura remove the icepack and check the damage, slight redness to the side that took the impact but the swelling is reducing already.

"Why won't I need my job?"

"There's a very old term among those that want to cover their crimes and indiscretions, it goes something like this, money will buy you almost anything."

"Meaning?"

"He will pay you to drop the charges."

"But if I press charges, you just said that he will just pay someone to make it all go away."

She nods in reply, letting a smile grow, she can see the wheels tuning in Jane's head. She would rather Jane get it than someone corrupt.

"It wouldn't be right to accept money from scum like him. And what about you...won't you get money from him, wouldn't you loose out if he paid his way out of the crime?"

Maura reaches her thumb up to stroke Janes unharmed cheek. It's almost too complicated to explain. It doesn't matter anyway. "You will take it, Jane, and you will want to push his offer up to at least double, whatever it is. Garrett always first offers under half of the maximum he can or is willing to go to. Then...you are going to pay off all the debts and go to college just like you wanted. Become a cop."

"Maura?" Jane frowns, "Why are you telling me this now. Can't we talk about this later or something."

"Our money is separate. He has his and I have mine. And it won't hurt me for you to take his. And I'm saying it now because I need to. Because I have to protect you like you did me."

She looks at Constance again, who is finally paying a small amount of attention to the conversation.

She knows Constance won't disown her completely. She knows the crowds are distracted from all other actual events by the police currently putting cuffs on Garrett on the street outside. He is already demanding a phone call.

The gossip will last for months. Both the Fairfields and the Isles names will be in mud, for now, until someone else accidentally or intentionally steps into the limelight.

Constance looks down and away for a moment before she looks up again, her face sorrowful.

"I forgive you mother."

She suspected her mother never believed her about Garrett. And now all those late night calls on the phone she ignored, a sobbing daughter begging for help, whispers and sorrow down a phone line begging. Garrett was lovely to her, he was charming and flattered her constantly. He couldn't be any of those things Maura had claimed.

Constance smiles weakly and nods slightly, but its enough.

"Are you moving out now?" Janes voice breaks on the second word and it forces her attention. She takes both Janes hands in hers and shakes her head, "No Jane. No...not just yet. But I want to make plans, I want to be a doctor. I want to be able to survive on my own. Be independent."

"That sounds a lot like moving out." Jane says sadly, "But I guess I understand."

"I want to have you in my life Jane, in whatever way you'll have me. But I don't want to be in your life taking over your family and your house. I want it to be balanced. Together. Equally. I want you to do what you love. And I want to be a part of that too."

"I don't understand."

"I feel like Ive crash landed in your life...in your world...and I love it very much. But I want something thats ours. Not yours or mine...but something that is you and me."

And Jane lights up with the brightest smile.

"Let me take you out Maur, on a proper date. Please? Rumour has it i'm coming into some money soon."

She grins back just as brightly, "Shall we get out of here?"

"Yeah." Jane grunts happily.

"Maura", Constance chimes in softly causing Jane to stay seated, "I want you to know...I am very proud of you, despite what you think I think. You are very brave and honest. I want you to know that there won't be restrictions, I don't care what any of these people think about it. I do want you to be happy."

"Thank you mother. Thank you. I want you to know that the happiest I have ever been is with Jane."

Constance turns to Jane regarding her for the shortest moment, "My lawyer is at your disposal Jane."

Jane is about to respond with a cynical sarcastic response, but the tight squeeze of her hand keeps her quiet and so she nods a thank you instead.

"And for you Maura." Constance adds, "You have a good case against him if he was unfaithful to you."

She feels her jaw trying to drop and holds it firm. All those years of training for how to behave in public finally paying off.

"Thank you mother, but all I want is a simple clean divorce."

"The threat of his breaching your pre-nuptials will certainly speed it up to your advantage."

She nods, while she doesn't agree she knows her mother means well and is trying to make amends.

"Your father will be very proud that you are entering medicine like him."

She can't help but smile, and Jane's smile grows seeing hers which makes hers even bigger.

"Let's go." She tells Jane, who is instantly on her feet and pulling Maura to hers. Jane leads her to the entrance and out the doors where the police meet them.

"Dang it." Jane growls linking her arm through Maura's and holding it tightly.

"They will want to take a statement I suppose Jane."

She gives Jane a questioning look.

Jane rolls her eyes and sighs, "I just wanna go home...I wanna take you home."

She can't help but smile, not at Jane's almost helpless expression, but Jane has referred to the place she is also staying as home. Jane's home, her home. Earlier it was 'our' home although she wondered if Jane really meant it. Now she is fairly certain it was not a mistake. And she also understands that her leaving had upset Jane.

For Jane it was already set. Jane loved the way it was and had expressed it several times in subtle ways. Whispered words of how perfect everything was, how she had never been so happy, how she hoped nothing would change.

Home was not and had not been a meaningful word for her. Her childhood home was lonely, full of expensive ornaments and antique furniture, but not homely or warm.

Her boarding school home was full of mean girls that mocked and tormented her. Everything wooden and old and nothing of her own, not even a picture on the wall.

Her marital home had been...at times...scary and cold. The place was modern and lovely with all the things she loved that adorned the spaces. Her favourite chair for reading. Her small library with all the books and journals she had collected. Her wonderful kitchen with all the spices and foods she loved to cook. She cooked for her mother often and had looked forward to cooking for her husband to be...right from their honeymoon she cooked them beautiful meals...candlelight dinners she sprung on him when he got home, almost always dressed in something soft and seductive. He loved it, and she loved that he did.

In the beginning it was everything she hoped for and more.

She would have made him anything and done anything for him.

In the beginning her new home was good. Until it wasn't.


"They are overcooked."

"I'm so sorry Garrett."

"What's wrong with you?"

"I'm s-s-sorry. I was distracted." She runs her fingers through her unbrushed hair in self frustration trying to push it away as if it will help.

"You and your stupid busy brain." He growls pushing his plate away, "Get back to the stove and do it again."

She hugs herself slightly, feeling vulnerable, wishing she was wearing more than just his baggy shirt over her underwear as she heads back to her kitchen and gets a fresh pan and two eggs.

She had got up extra early just for him, to make him breakfast before he caught his early flight. She holds an egg delicately over the pan waiting for the oil to sizzle and spit.

And she wondered if anyone had ever made his eggs perfect enough for him before, and why he didn't ever make his own eggs or why he never cooked her breakfast even on Valentine's Day or her birthday.

She didn't think she had been standing there that long when his heavy hand tightly gripped her shoulder, startling her.

"What are you doing?" He had spat at her. Spat like the oil was in the pan below her hand.

"I um...I'm..."

Things she knew Garrett hated...stammering, not getting an answer, hesitation and having to wait for breakfast.

The hand on her shoulder squeezed tighter and his other hand grabbed her hand. The one over the pan. He squeezed it so tightly that the egg exploded in her palm. White and yolk and a streak of red flowed through her fingers, the combination sizzling loudly as it touched the oil. She squealed in pain as the shell pierced her skin and she tried to pull away. The bubbling and spiting hit her skin and it felt like Garrett was forcing her hand lower and lower until the heat made her cry out again in pain. The oil spat upwards as blood and tears dripped downwards onto the broken egg in the pan.

Broken like she felt.

She had already learnt not to beg, he seemed to enjoy it when she begged. He would push her further when she begged, it was better for her if she never started. He could easily scald her hand. He could slap her. He liked control and she had learnt to control herself, to not beg.

And then he suddenly let her go. So suddenly her clenched and bleeding fist hit her in the stomach. She hadn't realised how hard she had been pulling away from him, fighting him.

"You are crazy" He spat again before he turned and left to catch his flight. She felt crazy, she felt as if eggs were more important than her.

When he returned it was never mentioned. He pretended not to notice the white bandage wrapped around her palm. He never mentioned that his eggs were never under or over cooked again.


"Maura, Where did your smile go? Are you ok?" Jane grips her shoulder tightly, worry across her soft strained features.

The grip scares her for a moment, she wants to run. Instead she leans into Jane, resting her head on Janes shoulder, who in return wraps an arm around her tightly.

"Sorry. I was just thinking."

"Maybe don't then." Jane softly laughs.

"I was smiling because of the way you talk about home."

"Ok." Jane accepts with a hint of confusion, "Then what happened?"

She closes her eyes in thought, "Home hasn't always been very good."

"You're safe now, I promise."

"I know Jane."

"At home...our home."

She can feel Jane grin as she says it, the change in the facial muscles pressed against her head. She knows it's said for both their benefits.

"Home isn't always a place. Sometimes it can be a person."

Jane squeezes tighter again, she feels the same way.

And she can feel her own smile return again.

...to be continued...