Feel I may have gone a bit off track with this - feedback welcome.


CHAPTER 6

Tender fingers brush her temple and warm breath grazes her skin.

The sensation on her lips like nothing she can recall. Wet, warm, tender and dancing. Soft and electric like pins and needles.

It smells like peaches and tastes like cherries.

Tickling and teasing. It makes her gasp so slightly as the same sensation rushes from her mouth to her toes. And as her mouth opens for more something firm and warm penetrates through the gap in her lips and and presses so lightly on her tongue. It is electrifying.

She doesn't want to open her eyes. She doesn't want it to end. She has never felt anything like it and she silently begs for more pressure and finds it.

She knows its Maura. The scent of Maura's hair as it tickles her face. The taste of Maura's lip balm. The feel of the fabric of Maura's clothing. The smell of her skin. Maura had been the last thought she had as her face collided with Garrets fist. And upon waking, Maura is her first thought.

And she knows Maura is fine, the concerns about her safety from what feels like seconds ago dissipated.

Her whole body wants to be closer to the source but only her head achieve this desire. The muscles in her neck protest against the movement, she doesn't care. For every action the response is returned.

And it feels so so good.

Her chest is tight in a good sort of way and doesn't care if she isn't breathing.

Her mouth wants to capture every part of the one touching hers.

Her body burning and her heart pounding. Nothing ever felt so fantastic before.

And she can even feel Maura smile against her.

Perhaps it's the best unconscious dream she ever had.

And then the lips are gone. She is sure her lips continue to dance alone in a hopeful sort of way.

She forces her eyes open hoping it doesn't break the spell, hoping it isn't a dream. And she is greeted by sparkling green eyes that are smiling as big as the smile she feels inside.

She can't recall how she got another kiss. It manages to only drive her crazy for more. But more doesn't come.

She wonders momentarily if getting punched in the face again would change that.

Everything from that moment is a haze. Her brain feels like jello. Perhaps the result of adrenaline burnout. Perhaps that her brain bounced around a little bit more than was acceptable. Or perhaps it was just that kiss, perhaps there was something magical about it.

Jane can't even begin to express herself so she doesn't try. She just lets the world happen around her. The police questions, Maura leading her to the car, the ride home. She drifts through it until she finally crawls into bed next to Maura.

And the world in its own way goes dark again. Only this time she is warm and safe in her own home. Comfortable in her own soft pajama pants and loose teeshirt. It is familiar. Safe.

Only the dull throb on her cheek and heavy arm draped over her stomach is different. But the sleep takes her quickly anyway. And she is plunged into a almost recognizable scene in an unpleasant place.

Only its not Garrett she faces, here, in a tight yellow dress that makes it harder to breathe.

It's Maura. Maura standing facing her, eyes dark with distrust, arms crossed over her chest ,surrounded by tables and classy faces that discriminate against her.

Constance sits at the table and watches her like she has plans to steal the silverware.

She feels more out of place than ever before, her friend no longer beside her, no longer telling her it doesn't matter that she doesn't fit in, no longer the support or the warm smile.

'Why are you mad at me?" She asks feeling the fear already creeping over her, knowing this is as bad as when her father walked out.

Maura shakes her head silently, as if Jane should already know and not have to be told.

Perhaps she should have known it was a dream, because Maura was never properly mad at her. Not so far anyway. The odd annoyance like when Jane had thrown all her dirty clothes next to the hamper instead of in it, or when she had been a little too sarcastic, but never really properly mad... like this. Actual mad.

But the events of the day had left a traumatic mark on her and she couldn't see fake from fiction. It was all too messy and confusing. She was too exhausted. And it was her own insecurities that plagued her so deeply she could not think straight. She could only wrack her brain trying to remember what she had done. It felt like scrambled eggs. Flashes of memories of bits out of order and context. She didn't leave when Maura asked. She yelled at Maura's mother. She called Maura's husband really horrible things and humiliated him in front of all those people. Which one was Maura actually mad at her for.

"I'm sorry." She begs trying to fix things quickly. She just wants to go to sleep.

She reaches out to take Maura's hand but her fingers seem to slip through the air and miss completely.

The angry Maura turns and slowly walks away.

And her world darkens to a blurred dark tunnel, no longer at the country club, no longer not fitting into Maura's world, everyone else is gone, now it's just them and the invisible distance that terrifies her.

"Wait." She cries out trying to chase Maura but finding her feet won't move.

"Don't go. Please, I beg you, stay. I need you. Please."

The dream Maura stops moving away and stands, her back still to Jane. Hair waving in an invisible breeze. She has to try and guess why Maura is upset. She pulls the little things she can remember from the conversations she can barely recall and it comes to her about Maura leaving.

"You don't have to leave to be you, Maur, you can be you all the time, I won't stop you. You can be independent without moving out. You can do whatever you want...I'll do whatever you want...anything...Maur..."

The dream Maura starts to walk away again and Jane panics, she is losing Maura forever, she is losing everything that made the world ok, manageable, livable.

Her chest feels like it is being stabbed and its painful to breathe.

"Maura please...I...I'm sorry I let you down..."

Maura stops again and waits for Jane to continue.

"That's why you're mad isn't it? You don't feel safe with me anymore. I couldn't protect you from...from him. I let you get hurt again..."

Maura's head slumps forward.

"Did he hurt you again? Did he hurt you cause I didn't stop him? Cause I was...knocked out? Shit...I don't remember...Maura, I don't remember what happened. Are you ok? I'm sorry..."

Nothing. No reply.

"Is that why you are mad at me?"

Nothing. That can't have been it. Her body is beginning to ache and her head spins.

"I...I was weak...I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I should have ducked...I should have jumped on him...I left you completely defenseless and afraid...I promised you that I'd protect you...I promised..."

Jane is talking more to her feet than the back of Maura's head, "I never break my promises...I never did before..."

She feels physically chilled at the guilt, the broken promises.

She thought about her father and how they had depended on them but then suddenly they could no longer. He had promised them protection and love and security and then left them by the wayside without a second thought. Perhaps she was just like her father. She could not trust her father again either. She even might not want to see him again. He had betrayed them, abandoned them, treated them like they weren't enough.

Like Jane wasn't enough.

Did that mean Maura couldn't ever trust her again either...or perhaps shouldn't. She wouldn't if she was in Maura's shoes.

Could she even trust herself to look after those she loved.

Could she even be a cop and protect strangers when she couldn't even protect herself, couldn't protect those that meant the most to her.

Those she loves.

And what if Garrett tried to hurt Maura again...would she let Maura down again...

"Please Maura...please forgive me."

"I can't Jane." Maura says without turning, "I can't forgive you, I don't need you anymore."

Jane rubs her sweaty palms against her shirt and tries to swallow. A sharp pain constricts her chest and her saliva is like lava burning her throat.

"What if he comes back...?"

Maura turns slowly, her eyes colder than normal, ice blue, hollow like they have no soul, "I protected you Jane, have you forgotten already? You were lying on the floor and I stood up to him. I had him arrested. I did all that without you. What can you possibly offer me now?"

Jane forces a step forward and its like pushing against a concrete wall, but Maura stays the same distance from her like she just floated backwards. She can't get closer.

"I'll press charges against him, get him locked up so he can never ever hurt you again?" She offers weakly, hopefully. She has nothing else. She already broke the promises she made. She dare not make more.

"I already told you that wouldn't work. You're not listening to me. Jane. I don't need you anymore."

"What about all the other stuff, that I care about you, the fun we have, the support...what about that...that...I...perhaps...might...love...you?"

"Love Jane? You don't love me...you just wanted to be saved. You wanted a purpose. You needed me."

"That's not entirely true...I...I wanted to help you. I like you..."

"But you can't help me Jane. You were the one that had to be helped. I helped you. I saved you,"

"I thought...I thought I did help you."

"You supported me to make my life better. Now it is better and it's time to move on."

Maura is so clinical like a doctor to an unliked patient, and she wants nothing more than her mum to hug her and promise everything will be ok. But she hurts everywhere, her body, her mind and her heart, mostly her heart, "So...so you just used me?"

She doesn't even bother to hide the tears. Guilt, loss, worthless.

"No Jane, you used me. You needed a light in your life, something to make yourself better, someone to focus on, something to make you feel like a hero. And you got what you wanted."

She swallows heavily wondering how Maura knew all her deep down thoughts.

"But, I...I do care about you Maur...I...I think...I mean...I hoped that would be enough."

"Is that really enough? What else can you offer me?", the tone is dark and angry.

She shrugs hopelessly, she has nothing, no money, no power, no house, no decent future and no security.

"No" she whispers

"No?" Maura takes a half step closer as if she can't hear her.

"No" Jane repeats trying to turn away but finding she can't even manage that, "It's not enough and I have nothing. And it has bothered me...that I didn't deserve you..." She clenches her fists angrily, "I just never said anything cause I didn't wanna bring it to your attention...and I wanted to be better...but what chance did I have? You...you're...stunning and sophisticated and can buy whatever you want and go anywhere you want. All the crap things you have the power to change. But me...I'm dirt poor, going nowhere with no proper purpose. Working at shit places just to survive. I got no choices and no future. I don't think I ever expected you to actually stay...I just had...hope."

Maura moves closer again, so close she could almost reach out and touch her, but her arms won't move no matter how much she wills them too.

"I could have lost you today Maur...and I was really afraid. And I'm afraid I could loose you tomorrow. I'm afraid that finally things are better but it won't stay that way. I'm afraid I'll never be good enough. I'm afraid to get too comfortable and I'm afraid to expect the worst. I'm afraid my brothers will get hurt and my Ma will give up. I'm tired of trying to pick up the shattered pieces of something and put them back together..."

Jane looks down at her feet. She can't really see them but it's less painful than looking at Maura.

"Mostly I'm just tired of being afraid."

"Why are you afraid?"

It's such a quiet whisper she isn't sure she heard it right. And the tone is different, it is soft and gentle. She looks back up at Maura who is still frowning at her in a look of deep frustration.

"What...what did you say?"

Without moving her lips, Maura says is the softest whispered tone "Why are you afraid?" it's clearer this time. Those exact words, she is sure of it.

She blinks a few times as if her eyes are the problem here, "How - did you - do that?"

"Do what?" the Maura voice asks without Maura actually moving.

"That...that - speak without moving your lips?"

Maura doesn't move, change expression, even blink. She is like a statue now. But beginning to fade into the dark consuming mist.

Something soft presses against her cheek and there is movements that tickle her skin as warm breath and words linger there, "I am moving my lips. Why are you afraid?"

She jolts fully awake from the fading dream into reality, sitting upright, confused and heart racing, palms sweating, and knocking Maura away from her at the same time.

"Hey." Maura squeals in surprise before regaining her composure, "Jane...You're alright Jane, everything is okay, I'm sorry I - I woke you. You must have been sleep talking."

Jane blinks the dream image away and finds the room dim but not black, and Maura on her knees in the bed beside her looking panicked.

She stares at Maura looking for any signs of anger and finds none. She almost waits for it but Maura just blinks at her and waits cautiously.

She slowly lays back down against the pillow closing her eyes and letting her body calm down one heartbeat at a time.

"Are you alright?" Maura asks after a few moments.

"I think so." Jane replies wondering if it's a lie.

Maura cautiously lays beside her keeping a small gap between them.

Outwardly Jane pretends not to notice.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Jane shakes her head no and watches Maura out of the corner of her eye, trying to quickly process the dream, trying to understand in the semi dark what just happened. But the tiredness and the dream and the events from earlier scramble together.

The silence is long and she hopes Maura has gone back to sleep, but when she opens her eyes to check she finds Maura is wide awake and studying her intently in the dim light.

"I'm sorry I woke you talking Maura."

"Please Jane, after everything today I should be the one apologizing."

She frowns, this is the opposite of her dream, "What? Why?"

"I dragged you into that with Garrett," then Maura's face darkens slightly, "I'm always causing messes for people."

Jane sits up again in surprise, "No. I let you down today. I'm sorry. I should have protected you. You didn't know he would be there."

Maura frowns as she looks up at Jane, "Jane...I should have suspected he would be there. But...It's not your job to protect me Jane. You were there for me and you did everything you could."

"Wasn't enough." She groans pitifully to herself looking at the wall feeling like the dark abyss is pulling her back in.

"It was enough. I'm fine." Maura rubs the skin on Jane's bare arm reassuringly.

"I let you down Maur."

The warm hand move to her face to caresses her cheek and smears a tear away as if it was never there, only then is she even aware she was crying. She looks down and finds Maura softly smiling, gratitude. Maura doesn't scold her, Maura doesn't even mention her crying.

"No one expects you to be perfect Jane, what is amazing about you is you do your best, and that is enough, okay?"

Jane tries to pull away from the touch, from the forgiving gentleness of it, from the words that flow from it, and she instantly sees the worry it causes Maura, and so she remains, exposed, her sarcasm and anger her only defense, a weapon she refuses to use on someone that doesn't deserve to be dumped on. And in the absence of defense, she tries to bury her head into her arm. Her voice broken and gravelly when it finally leaves her lips, "I don't want you to worry about me."

Maura groans softly, almost seductively, "I want to. I want to worry about you the same amount you worry about me. It should be fair shouldn't it."

"Fair?" Jane almost laughs letting her arm fall to expose her face, "Fair...You have everything, and I have nothing. It isn't exactly equal you know."

She watches how Maura takes a moment to unpack her statement and her expressions shift swiftly before settling.

"Jane, I am sorry that makes you uncomfortable. I had balanced before...only you saw it isn't balanced at all. I don't want equal...I just want you Jane, the real you, the one I met that was okay with difference, that didn't act on obligation. I want a real friend and companion, not a bodyguard. And you've been the only person in my life that both accepts me as I am and actually wants to spend time with me."

"But you want to leave me."

The mix of muddled dreams and reality have left her with only that fact.

Maura wraps an arm across across her stomach gently almost using her for warmth, "I don't want to leave you...come with me?"

It somehow makes her smile, just for a second. I don't want to leave you. She holds onto that. Even if it's for a short time.

"I can't leave...I have my family."

Her family needs her. Also it wouldn't be at all fair, how dependent would she become on Maura for everything.

Maura sighs, "I know. And if I had your family I wouldn't leave them either."

"Stay Maura?" She begs softly.

Maura snuggles into her side, "You should sleep, Jane."

"Stay." She demands gently while letting her fingers dance over the skin on Maura's back in an unspoken promise of reward.

Maura sighs sadly, "Sometimes I wonder what would have happened to me if I'd never married Garrett."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean...do you think would we have even met?"

Jane suddenly feels more protective and defensive than she has the whole time. She pulls Maura closer, she knows they probably wouldn't have met and she isn't grateful Maura suffered so that they could meet. Maura would never have given her a second look had things been different. Maura rests snuggly against her.

"Doesn't matter, you are here now. And so brave. And Garrett can't hurt you anymore."

She can feel Maura stiffen slightly.

Disbelief.

She is missing something again.

She wishes she could keep her thinking in one place not jumping around like a crazy rabbit.

"Can he hurt you?"

Maura stays silent.

"I wanna say I will protect you but I let you down already today...and now i'm even dreaming about letting you down."

Fingers graze her swollen cheek again and she looks down at Maura who looks like she is a million miles away.

"Maura, let me press charges against him. It'll at least give you some time. And...I mean...as long as it doesn't hurt you in any way then I think I have to. Morally I mean, I can keep him away from you and it will have him investigated at the least. Those girls I work with that he hurt...they will help me..."

"No they won't."

The chilled whisper sends goose bumps across her arms.

She reaches up and clasps Maura's hand in her own, holding it against her slightly swollen cheek, "Why? Why are you stopping me from doing this Maura?"

"You will put yourself and your family and also me in danger."

"How?"

"You have to trust me on this Jane."

"So just quit my job and let scum like him away with crimes like that?"

"Yes."

A deep growl of disapproval accidentally slips through Jane's lips.

Maura frowns for a moment and then looks deep into her eyes, glimmers of fear passing across them, "I went to the police station just once Jane. I had a black eye, cut lip, bruises. I could barely bring myself to hide them I was so depressed. I walked in the door in a hat and large coat. I was directed to the detective on duty. They took me to an interview room and brought me instant coffee and promised to help me. He said my injured face was evidence and it wouldn't be his word against mine. He handed me a notepad and told me to write a statement and told me they would arrest him on assault and battery. That they could protect me from him, that he could never ever get to me again. It was the first time in six months I felt relieved and safe. I felt I could finally breathe.

They left me alone to write it all down. I wrote about what happened in detail...not just that day but some of the other incidents. The bad ones. And I was almost done writing when a young officer walked in and told me that my husband was in the foyer waiting for me and was I ready for the detective to come back for the statement. I was dumbfounded. Afraid. Shocked. Confused.

How did he know. So I asked how he knew where I was...how he had found me. The officer shrugged and asked what I wanted to do. I said I needed a minute alone. I thought my heart would break it was thumping so painfully against my ribs. I had to keep myself safe, so I tore up the paper into tiny tiny pieces and shoved it into my coat pocket. I put on my coat and left the room making my way to the bathroom and I flushed every piece down the toilet making sure there was nothing left. And then I walked out to the foyer and left with my husband without a word."

Maura's hand shakes slightly in her own.

"Oh..." The lump in Jane's throat feels like it might stop her breathing.

"The police never called me, never followed up, never came to my house to check I was alright."

Jane squeezes Maura's hand tightly and moves it to her mouth and presses a firm kiss against Maura's knuckles. The hand is no longer shaking now. She wishes simply she could take away the persecution, pain and torment that has left scars and fear behind.

Maura smiles softly for just a moment and whispers, "Thank you."

It pains her to watch the hurt cross her friends face, to hear the quiver in her voice, the brave facade she puts on to get through. And perhaps the fear is valid.

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't be Jane. I just...I have seen him escape all kinds of problems. And if the police are his buddies then what would pressing charges do? All it will do is tell them where you live and they will tell him. He is not a good man but he is quick and can worm his way out of things easily. His family sponsors and funds many things around town including police and hospitals. And he would put a spin on why you were pressing charges and cause you harm. "

"What?"

"He would ruin your reputation. Like, he might say he met you at your job and you had a crush on him and being the perfect husband...he rejected you. And that you retaliated...you provoked him. That you are crazy. That you were trying to blackmail him. Or even that you were attempting to break up our marriage as revenge."

"I...wow...wow..."

Jane ponders this, conflicted but needing to protect those she can. She trusts Maura, Maura would never lie or ever hurt her.

"Maura...What do you think Garrett tells people about you?"

Maura sighs and half smiles, it is clear she has thought about it before tonight, probably more than once, "Oh I don't know, That I'm a crazy nutcase, did too many drugs and I made up lies to discredit him and get people to seek revenge on my behalf. He will say he never laid a finger on me...perhaps even that i'm after his family fortune."

Jane can tell with Maura's weak shrug that there are numerous other possible scenarios she has thought about. Perhaps based on lies he has already made up about her in the past. Things he told her family and friends. Now she understands the fear and why Maura changed where she studied and studied under a fake name.

How much damage could he do turning up at her classes and spreading lies about her, or speaking to her lecturers about her, following her around. Even absent of physical contact the psychological impact was harmful.

"I trust you Maura, and I will keep you safe this time."

Maura leans upwards and presses a kiss against the corner of her mouth and then snuggles into her neck.

Maura smiles happily and sighs, the sensation of peace devoid of fear.

Before Jane wanted to fight Garrett until he was exposed and humiliated and punished. For as long as it took at whatever cost to herself. Now she tasks herself with protecting Maura from Garretts evil reach and his continued ability to humiliate and torment his wife no matter where she might be. Be it physical or emotional.

Maura moves into her side closer, tighter. She listens until Maura falls back to sleep.

She presses her cheek against Maura's hair enjoying the scent.

She must protect her. Them. All of them.

She likes watching Maura sleep. Nose flaring, eyelids flickering, chest rising and falling rhythmically. She wonders what she might be dreaming about. She wonders if Maura dreams about her sometimes like she dreams about Maura.

She wants to reach out and stroke her cheek gently or move the stray hair off her face, but she daren't. She won't wake her, scare her, be an unknown enemy in the darkness. She would protect her always.

Perhaps Maura is right and she should become a cop and change the system. Protect victims. Prevent them being persecuted over and over in the system.

Perhaps that way she can protect those she loves better.

Tomorrow she will give notice at Topless just like she promised.

Tomorrow will be a new day.

She drifts into another dream, a happier dream.


TBC