It's Jane's racing heart under her that awakens her. And fearful whispers she can't quite make out.
Maura forces herself to focus. To pay attention.
She checks Jane's pulse, strong...but far to fast.
"Jane?"
Jane's body is stiff and she is murmuring under her breath. Her first thought is with fever. Yet she is not hot to the touch.
"Why are you tacycardic Jane?"
Jane mumbles again under her breath, "I'm sorry...you're mad..."
"I'm not mad Jane. I'm worried. Are you alright?"
She lets her fingers graze down Jane's throat skimming the pulse point, she is shivering slightly and her fists are clenching the sheets tightly.
"I'm sorry...I promised..." Jane mumbles.
Maura frowns, "Just breathe Jane, calm down. What's scaring you?"
"...if he comes back...?"
"Who? Garrett?"
"I could have lost you today Maur..."
"Shhhh Jane, I promise I am fine. It's ok. We are ok."
"...I'm...afraid...afraid...afraid..."
"Why? Why are you afraid?" She whispers only catching every second word clearing, repeated, the word afraid.
"...afraid...what...you say?"
She notices the sweaty glean on Jane's skin but is grateful that her heartbeat is slowing.
"Why are you afraid?"
"How'd do that?" Jane whispers, her voice suddenly pitchy and emotional.
"Do what?" she whispers moving closer and noticing in the dim light that Jane's eyes are closed tightly.
"That...speak without moving your lips?"
She watches Jane frown but still without opening her eyes. She almost laughs. She almost makes a joke about Jane's eyes being closed. But she also senses Jane is confused as well as afraid. She presses her lips to Jane's cheek and speaks again, "I am moving my lips." She hopes the sensations will help. Jane frowns deeper, her pulse quickening again, she touches her nose and lips against Jane's cheek again ignoring the smell of vanilla the meets her nose, "Jane, Why are you afraid?"
Jane bolts upright to sitting, her arms branch out and she pants heavily like she has run a marathon. Maura is knocked back by it, more surprised than hurt. "Hey." She can see fear in her friends face, fear and surprise and confusion.
"You're alright Jane, everything is okay, I'm sorry I woke you. You...you must have been sleep talking."
Its as much of a surprise to her as Jane. Although she has only known Jane a few months she has never heard sleep talking or witnessed bad dreams.
Jane blinks at her in surprise, wide eyed and almost gasping for air. Maura buries her own concern and smiles gently at her stunned friend like the good doctor she is training to be, "It's usually me who has the bad dreams."
Finally Jane lays back down with a soft sigh, looking a bit calmer at least.
"Are you alright?" Maura asks softly, watching Jane's neck, aware her pulse is finally close to normal.
"I think so." Is the croaky tired reply. Almost more tired than when they went to bed, and definitely more tired than earlier in the day.
Earlier when they were questioned by police and Jane had gripped her hand tightly as if it was a lifeline, her eyelids drooping lower with every blink.. Earlier when Jane had laid her head against Maura's shoulder for the drive home, the weight growing by the minute. Jane's responses were delayed over dinner, her smiles were delayed, she barely ate. Her reactions were clumsy and disjointed. Jane had even put her Pajamas pants were on inside out...not that it mattered.
Maura had never seen Jane this exhausted, this affected by anything.
It had been a really really long day...and it seemed to be some kind of kryptonite to her dark haired young hero.
Maura lays down also, wondering if Jane might have slept better alone. She keeps a small distance between them as she realizes she was pressed into Jane's back for some hours earlier right before Garrett's assault, gripping her like a lifeline. And was pressing into her side while they slept. But then Jane looks even more nervous than anything now she has moved away slightly, "Do you want to talk about it?"
Obviously she knew Jane well enough to know they wouldn't talk directly about whatever really bothered Jane. Jane had a way of dealing with things slowly and in her own time. A process that irritated her ever so slightly. She wanted to know Jane, understand Jane, and it was the most difficult thing in the world to achieve. But the truth was…she never really understood anyone, least of all Jane.
A sweet random mysterious girl that was always smiling at her. Always there for her. Gentle and warm. That was what had caught her attention in the beginning.
And every event, every setback, every battle seemed to only bring them closer even though it was still a mystery to her.
Jane seemed to see things so differently than her.
But they do talk in a way. And although she doesn't discover what Jane is afraid of... Jane finally truly understood the fears and dangers of her dark world.
It was a huge relief.
She wouldn't have to relive her fears over and over every day.
It didn't diminish her fears for their safety.
It wouldn't stop her checking over her shoulder in the shop, or making sure a dark car wasn't following them home. She was under no illusions of safety.
But she wasn't alone in it anymore.
She just hoped she hadn't added to whatever fears Jane had already been sleep talking about.
What was Jane afraid of. She had seemed completely fearless up till today. She was fearless to introduce herself that first day, fearless to express herself and take a risk, fearless to bring a stranger to her home.
And for those few moments Maura was fearless too. When her brain and feet had said RUN she refused. She stayed. She faced her fears. She was brave just like Jane.
Had she misread Jane's fearless bravery, or had Jane been hiding a fear.
Or perhaps it had just been too long of a day.
So much had happened.
Her Mother had rejoined her team instead of siding with the enemy. Her mother had also revealed to Jane about her adoption. She wondered if that should be discussed at some point. She smiles a little at Jane
yelling at her mother. No one ever yelled at her mother before.
Jane had also dropped a few bombshells about her husband. I know all your dirty dark little secrets. Jane had said. It's all the things you thought you wouldn't get caught doing. You bragged too much. I know that waitress you put in hospital. Jane's tone and her micro expressions said she was speaking the truth.
What things had her husband done that she didn't know about. Who had he put in hospital. Did she even want to know details. Was it sexual?
Garrett had been quite forceful with her a few times in bed. She sensed he wanted to take it further, much further. But he had pushed his limits with her and he knew it. He had hurt her. Then he had backed off...or perhaps he had just found someone else instead. All these years it never occurred to her he'd do that.
But he had done something…something Jane knew about…
Maura decides in that moment she doesn't want to know details. She couldn't bare so much ugly coming from the lips that she adored. Maura didn't want her to be forced to speak of such things. And to have those soft brown gentle eyes look at her while such things were spoken of.
How shameful it would be alone...without it being implanted on her mind with that sultry gravelly voice. And what if Jane found out how far she herself had let Garrett take it.
She couldn't bare it.
It was bad enough Jane knew about it.
It was bad enough not knowing what Jane was thinking about it all.
She hoped it wouldn't change the way Jane looked at her. Knowing what she knew. Look at her in any way differently. With sympathy or disgust. She wanted neither.
It had been impossible to keep these worlds apart. They had been entwined before she even knew there was anything to entwine.
She had wanted a brighter future, with bright colors, with smiles and laughter.
She had wanted to flee the past.
She wanted to be free of him, not tarnish this beautiful future with his destruction.
It wouldn't help her to know fully, she just hoped it wouldn't affect the bright future she had begun to hope for.
So much hope.
And with that thought she snuggles closer to Jane's warmth and drifts off to sleep.
She awakens first.
She watches Jane wake up.
Watches her face contort into an it's too early scowl. Followed by a groan.
Then her eyes open.
And then she smiles at the sight, and Maura can't help but smile back.
She later watches Jane make the first call to Nikki to resign from Topless.
"You can't." Is the reply.
"I really have to." Jane pleads softly
Nikki pauses a moment, "Jane...Are you in some sort of trouble?"
Jane looks at Maura horrified.
Jane mouths 'what should I say'.
She can't reply out loud or Nikki will hear.
So she nods.
Technically it's true.
Jane swallows, "Uh…It's complicated...but...I might be."
"Ok Jane...but you won't be getting any of your overtime. You should give two weeks notice you know?"
"Yeah, I'm sorry." Jane offers, "I don't have a choice. Thank you for understanding."
There's an awkward pause on the other end of the line before Nikki speaks again, "Is it about the smoothie girl?"
"Smoothie girl?"
"The customer that drank multiple smoothies, Blonde hair. Great tipper. Dressed like she was outta that pretty woman movie?..." Jane looks over at Maura and smirks uncontrollably before covering her mouth so she doesn't laugh. Nikki takes the silence that Jane doesn't remember.
"You know…Cindy berated you about chatting her up in her section. Cindy spat the dummy and screamed at you the next day in front of everyone. Called you a tip stealing dike. Threw a plate at you...seriously???" Jane turns a light shade of red and hangs her head to the side, "Ah...yeah I remember her"
"Suit was here first thing this morn...asking about who smoothie girl hung out with here."
"Geez...A cop?"
She feels a constricting pain wrapping around her chest as she listens.
"Nuh...looked like the lawyer type...had her picture and gave me a card with just a number on it for when you showed up. No name or company on the card. Spooky right?"
"Did you uh...say anything about me?"
She notices how pale Jane looks so touches her arm gently. Jane reaches for her hand and squeezes it.
"Nuh-uh. Privacy rules and all. I played dumb. Said the girls working here hang out with the dudes not the chicks."
Jane sighs in visible relief, "Thank you, Nikki. Thank you so much."
"Well I technically didn't lie now cause you don't work here no more...so I feels good."
Jane laughs weakly, more like a nervous laugh. "Guess maybe I should get the number off you then."
"I'll text it to ya...don't pop by...and be smart and call it from a payphone won't ya."
"Thanks Nikki. I owe ya."
"Ya do...laters love."
The call goes dead and Jane stares at the phone as if there should be more.
"Don't worry Jane." Maura offers with a smile and a squeeze of now sweaty fingers.
"Don't worry? He has already been to my work...or had a guy go. I can't believe you were right."
"Jane…My mothers lawyer will take care of it if you like."
Jane turns, "Should I?"
She nods and smiles and watches Jane bite her lip.
"What happened to my hero?" She teases.
And the cutest nervous laugh she ever heard leaves Janes lips.
"Not sure if I'm remembering exactly right…but…you're the hero Maur."
———-
It takes only five days for Garrett to settle a deal writing a cash cheque to Jane which is deposited into Jane's new lawyers account. The designated portion pays off the mortgage and the rest transferred to Jane.
Maura had intentionally stayed out of the negotiations. She had promised Jane it would not affect her own divorce in anyway, it wasn't a lie.
And she had told Jane to do whatever felt right to her. It was her that had been assulted. This was her compensation.
And she stepped back and focused on her classes and her own divorce settlements.
Jane was in good hands. She would always be there if Jane needed her.
Two days after that, Friday morning, Jane woke her up early by rocking the bed with a dimpled grin and sparking eyes.
Maura groaned in annoyance squinting at the bright morning light streaming in the window. It was usually her that woke early.
"Maura." Jane whispers loudly.
"I'm awake." she groans trying to cover her face with the pillow, "What time is it?"
Jane wrestles it off her and then hits her gently with it laughing jovially.
"Don't mess up my hair Jane."
Jane laughs even harder, "I think it made your hair better."
She runs her fingers through her messy bed hair grateful Jane isn't fazed by it but still wanting to look acceptable, "You're up early, Is something wrong?"
"I have to ask you something?" says the fidgeting brunette who is acting extremely unusual.
"Ok" she says rubbing her eyes and sitting up fully.
Jane clears her throat and rubs her palms together, "Will...can...uh...will you...uhh...I'd like to..."
Maura has never seen Jane like this before, "Why are you nervous?"
"Argggg...I'm trying to ask you out on a date Maura."
She can only blink, not because the answer would be anything other than yes, but why Jane is making it a big deal.
"Uhhh, sure, of course."
"No Maura, not just going out...but a proper date."
She blinks again, "I don't understand. What would be different than all the other times we go out?"
"Because all the other times you were taking me out."
"No. We were going out, together. You took me to a ballgame, the theme park and those battling cages."
"Batting cages. But you paid for everything."
She frowns, "So what?"
"So this will be different. I am taking you out and I am paying for everything."
I dawns on her then, the payment, and her face forms an O shape right before it curls into a smile by itself.
This is truly not the reaction she expected.
Then Jane throws her arms around her in a tight hug burying her face in her hair.
"So….Good news then."
"The best. Don't you wanna know how much?" Jane whispers
"I don't need to know Jane." She smiles.
"So will you?"
"Will I what?"
Jane rolls her eyes and face-plants the bed mumbling into the blanket, "Let me take you out?"
She can't help the way her smile grows, it almost hurts, "I would love to."
And Jane is beaming, and then bouncing, and then jumping on the bed, waving her long arms around, and laughing.
"What's going on in there? You better not be breaking anything." Angela calls loudly from the hall.
Jane giggles and collapses on the bed her arms strewn over her head, legs hanging off the edge, long dark hair everywhere.
"Was that happy dance about the date or the money?" She finally asks.
Jane sighs happily before rolling onto her side to be face to face, "I think both. I am feeling a whole lot of new strange stuff right now. But I can take you out somewhere special. That feels fairly big."
"It never mattered to me."
"I know." Jane takes her hand and holds it tenderly for a moment, staring at it as if it contained a clue before she presses the back of her hand to her lips and kisses it softly, "But it really mattered to me."
There is a lightness in Jane's spirit that she has never seen before, not just the way she holds herself or expresses herself, but in her countenance. And she is deeply attracted to this lightness, this change. Jane looks…lighter.
And it makes her feel lighter. Like a calm peaceful void that she could be content in for a long time. Jane free of her troublesome worries and stresses. She hopes for the longest holiday from problems for her.
Her hand is so close to Jane's lips, and so she lets her finger caress the corner of Jane's mouth, then brush across Jane's bottom lip.
Jane's eyelids drop momentarily, her pupil dilate. Jane leans slightly closer.
She feels her own body wants to mimic it all.
Then they share a look. At least that what she thinks it is.
Long enough to count eight Mississippi's.
Soft enough to cause her heart to pump more blood.
Silent enough she can hear that neither is breathing quite normally.
Warm enough like an invitation she can't refuse.
And Maura leans forward and presses her lips to Jane's. Tenderly. It's exactly like the last time at the country club, nothing has changed. Its an instant explosion of adrenaline and sensations she wishes to savor forever. Her whole body warms up and her heart is in her throat. And Jane isn't putting up any resistance, like last time. She can't really comprehend why they haven't kissed since the encounter with Garrett. She wishes to do this all the time and never stop.
Her lips tingle like crazy and all the smells are exiting.
The sensations make her feel like a teenager again.
Jane presses gently into her, deepening the kiss, warm and inviting, a light nibble that sends sensations to her legs, a tongue sliding across her lip. Jane's hand slips around her neck ticking her. Firm fingers stoking and drawing her in even further.
Firmer and faster.
It's only a little control, something Jane was unable to do last time on her back on the ground.
And it makes her heart beat even faster, excitement…and then fear. They roll together like one. It makes her pull away abruptly.
"Sorry." She manages suddenly aware that this was the reason Jane had been waiting for her to decide when it was right. To make the first move. And she is embarrassed and grateful.
Jane only smiles tenderly and reaches over to gently brush messy blonde hair away from her cheek.
"I didn't mean to..."
"Shhh," Jane replies, "To be continued yeah."
And all the stress and fear fall away again. There is no danger. Threatening memories don't belong here.
And Maura leans across again, one small kiss, safe kiss, a happy kiss. And she smiles against Jane's lips before pulling away.
Jane's grin is still wide and bright enough.
Jane waits till Saturday to tell her Ma. When they are all home and there's no school. When they can all dance around the house in their pyjamas.
Jane had almost chewed through her nails in anticipation of this moment. Pacing the hall.
And she could only watch it all unfold. She felt separated from it. It wasn't her house that the bank had been trying to take. It wasn't her debt the tax department was pursuing. It wasn't her time dedicating to holding it together. It wasn't her future she had put on hold. It wasn't her siblings that had gone without and suffered through. It wasn't her mother that had fought for every penny to feed her children.
But she still loved them all, and she delighted in watching their delight. She chuckled silently when Tommy finally understood and said he wanted a full size helicopter. Her heart melted when Jane looked at her joyfully weepy as Angela cried with joy and relief in her arms.
It was beyond emotional.
It was how Maura imagined Christmas morning should be.
Joy. Love. Delight. Not a problem in sight. Overwhelming.
It was bittersweet, it delighted her and also it also pained her that she never had this herself…until now…until Jane suddenly dances over to her and takes her hands, swinging her into the dance with them, "We are going out celebrate. Pancakes. Pancakes for breakfast." She merrily states.
"It's like Christmas" Angela laughs as if reading her mind and grabbing her hand as well.
Most christmases she had spend alone. Now she was part of something beautiful.
She wipes away a tear from her eye, a tear of joy.
"C'mon Tommy, lets go get ready," Frankie says racing for the stairs, "Last one to the car is a rotten egg."
"It's their favorite place. Was a birthday tradition...We haven't been since...in a long time…" Jane trails off watching them race up the stairs followed by Angela, she doesn't need to finish the sentence. "Anyway..." Jane turns to her and smiles, "You going in your pajamas or you changing too?"
"Me?" Maura can feel her mouth drop open in surprise. She had assumed it was a family thing. That she wouldn't be welcome. She must learn to not assume.
Jane squeezes her hands and smiles, "Yes of course you."
"You are celebrating."
"We are celebrating."
Jane says it in a way that tells her she belongs. Here with them. Out for pancakes. Anytime.
"I'm not a big pancake fan."
Jane laughs an turns for the stairs, "You'll be even less of a fan after you try and eat them in a game zone."
She starts to follow Jane up the stairs, "Game zone?"
Jane pauses on the top step and turns with a grin, "You'll see."
"Jane, what did you tell Angela? About how you got the...money?"
Jane is already in the room changing and calls out the reply, "The truth. She didn't believe me….aaaaand she told me off for missing work."
"The truth?" Maura says from just outside the door.
"That your ex paid me loads of money to not press charges against him for giving me that shiner."
"Oh."
"Hey...Imagine if Garrett finds out I used it to take you out on loads of expensive dates and buy you really cute stuff. It's totally the Icing on the cake."
She enters the room and smiles to herself at the thought of it. Maybe she will drop that detail at her divorce negotiations. How angry he would be. How perfectly ironic it was.
Jane is mostly dressed in jeans and a tee-shirt and brushing her hair. The dresser had half her clothes in it. It was only supposed to be a temporary setup. The house didn't have a guest room or a spare room. It seemed to barely accommodate this family most days.
"Whatcha thinking about?" Jane says with a frown.
She pushes it away, today is a celebration, "What am I supposed to wear to pancakes?"
To which Jane laughs heartily, "Anything except that pink pom pom nightgown you're wearing now will be fine."
Maura hides her grin and slaps Jane on the shoulder, and then she strips it off knowing Jane is watching her change, she will wear casual too, she can fit in. And maybe tomorrow she will make them all her home-made pancakes with blueberries and cream, because she knows now how she can say thank you, she knows that it is a treat that means something special.
But It's not just pancakes, she realizes about 15 seconds after walking in the door. It's similar to a horror she once watched through slitted eyes and gaps in her fingers. The screaming, piercing like murder, shrill yelling as if a bunch of prey were being attacked by a predator. Running. In no particular direction with no destination in mind. And somehow the room had a booming echo every time someone small jumped in the giant ball pool. She hated it. She couldn't think about food. She couldn't care less if it came with a side of cream or a severed hand. She couldn't locate the exits fast enough. And the bathroom was near the scenes of the crime.
She started to back up but Jane grabbed her hand. And thankfully Jane lead her into a quiet corner where the chaos was behind a giant perspex window that muffled 90% of the noise.
And finally she can breathe again.
"I know..." Jane says reassuringly, "It can be a little overwhelming."
"A little."
"Ooooo sarcasm."
Jane's eyes sparkle at her.
"You choose to come here?"
Jane looks around for a moment, looking through the window at the blurs of colors and chaos on the other side. Her gaze stops on her brothers, already wearing laser tag gear and chasing each other, laughing, and she smiles, "Yeah. It makes them so happy."
Maura looks between Jane and her brothers trying to make sense of it. Never in her life could she recall anyone intentionally suffered in any way to make her happy. They were always too busy making themselves happy. Often at her expense.
And when she looks back at Jane she realizes Jane has been silently watching her.
Jane looks a little sad if anything.
She smiles back, unsure what to say, how to respond, if she should respond. But it's a comfortable silence, no expectations. She looks back at the chaos, Jane's brothers more excited than she had seen them, grins at their ears, so free. So Happy. A very different happy to her own, alone, reading her favorite book in her fathers favorite library chair by the big north facing window. Then she looks at Angela, who looks a little bit frazzled herself, still near the very loud area, yelling over the noise that she had breakfast.
She wondered how many times Angela suffered something to benefit her children, she supposed that is where Jane learned it from. And also she thought of how quickly Angela had accepted her into their modest home, feeding and doing laundry without question, quickly discovering her new guests favorite foods and adding them into the meals, changing small things to accommodate. Like the laundry powder that had made her itchy, like the types of rubbish bags to something more environmentally friendly. Angela treated her like one of her children. Feeding her, checking on her, offering her advice, chatting to her. It had taken some getting used to at first. She didn't call Angela Ma or mother. Angela was nothing like her own mother, not in way shape or form. But perhaps her mother could have learned something from Angela.
Mother to Maura had meant stern and foreboding. Angela meant warmth in the form of caring and cuddles.
One more night, she had told herself in the beginning, just one night and tomorrow I will find a hotel.
But she was unable to remove herself from the loud and warm environment to just be alone somewhere else. As everyday passed she was more attached.
Attached to the girl that gave up her room entirely for her and relished in her presence.
Young boys that delighted in showing her their books and games.
A friends mother that smiled at her so brightly it made her cry involuntarily.
These things didn't make sense but also she wanted them.
She couldn't understand them, it, in all this time.
Angela puts the food down on the table, then puts a plate of pancakes in front of Maura, looking at her with a strange expression, "If you did this Maura…" Angela starts, "I…thank you."
Maura turns to Jane who shrugs, "Told you she didn't believe me."
Her pulse quickens even more than was already too fast and her hands are so sweaty, she feels sick.
"Whats wrong?" Jane instantly asked, frowning with worry, "You're pale."
She tries to pretend it's nothing, downplays it, shaking her head side to side. How can she explain that she could get hives and go vasovagal, all because she couldn't lie and also panicking or even being overwhelmed could trigger this reaction. She grabbed a paper bag off the tray and started breathing heavily into it. It only took a few moments to start working, calming her down, breathing starts becoming normal, heart rate begins to slow, hot neck and chest start to cool down, and her brain began to think properly again.
"Jane!" She hears Angela scold, "What did you do?"
"Nothing Ma." Jane exclaims back.
"Take her outside. It's too loud and hot in here for her."
Angela touches her shoulder softly to comfort her, which doesn't help at all.
"Maura." Jane whispers in her ear, and takes her hand, "Come with me."
She somehow finds her feet and is grateful Jane is physically supporting her.
"We will wait for you to come back before eating." Angela announces earning a loud groan from Frankie Jr who has just arrived at the table, licking his lips at the feast.
"No, please eat." She manages. She already feels bad enough causing a drama.
"Yay." Frankie replies hungrily taking a bite out of his meal.
And suddenly they are outside, bag crunching in her hand with every breath. Strong warm hands continuously rubbing both her forearms. Warm sun and fresh air and...silence.
Even after she feels 100% Jane doesn't stop comforting or ask questions. And she forces herself not to cry.
"I'm ok now." She manages.
"Good." Jane says so softly as her hands slow to a stop.
More silence.
"Hungry...or...?" Jane offers softly.
She nods. She isn't ready to talk.
Jane pulls her into a light hug, its warm and promising, she leans into it, accepts it, and it takes her back to all those warm hugs. It tries to tell her something she can't grasp. Something about...caring...about...love...
Then Jane lets go and takes her hand, and they walk back to the table. Past the noise but she barely hears it. Angela pulls a chair out for her. Frankie jr has eaten and gone again. A pancake stack with berries, syrup and cream is put in front of her. She looks up at Jane. Jane eyeing her food like a hungry lion about to pounce on a tasty morsel. Angela nibbles and smiles to herself. Almost as if the is thinking it's not as good as her own cooking but good enough and she i pleased that didn't have to cook it. Jane eats her first piece and groans, "So good." with her mouth half full.
She takes a bite too, warm and fluffy and sweet. But nothing compared to the memory of today.
"Congratulations." She whispers to them both. Because thats why they are here. Angela nods, smiles, winks at her and then joyfully gives Jane a kiss on the cheek.
Jane resists and laughs wiping at her face, "Ma, you put sticky syrup on me." Then looks up and smiles brightly.
Life will definitely be better. Yet they are the same, behave the same. The money hasn't made them different in most ways, in the ways that really count.
And she smiles at Jane. And Jane's smile gets brighter still, as bright as the sun in the sky.
