["Target locked."] Reno said.

Lucka nodded and strode faster to the corner wall behind the big classical painting. She whirled at her heel to present herself to the tall man wearing a grey suit.

"Ilona?" He raised his eyes in surprise.

"Good Afternoon, Orion," she said, lifting the corner of her mouth into an alluring smile.

"It's been a while. Three months?"

"Yes. I've been busy with various digital campaigns," Lucka said, standing close enough to feel his body heat. "I need my fix," she whispered.

Orion's lips twisted into a faint smirk. He glanced over the empty hall. "Sure. My office on the second floor," he said, leading the way.

The room was aesthetically neat, with a warm color palette. With a somewhat faint light shining in the space, Lucka took in the detail of the room layout. One big closed window with a thick curtain faced the main road. There were towering bookshelves beside the dark desk. And a single khaki chaise across various paintings on the easels.

"Why it takes you so long to have your next fix?" he asked as he rounded the desk. "Shouldn't you have a withdrawal?"

"I had. But it's not that bad. I should stay sober for my job. Tight deadlines," Lucka said and took a closer look at one of the paintings. It had an impressionist style, a delicate brush stroke, and muted colors.

"So you have a loose schedule now?" he said and approached her, handing her a patch of morphine. Lucka slipped it inside her handbag and took out some Gill for Orion.

"Yes, likely," she said with a fake smile.

"There's this special event around the weekend hosted by a friend, A solo botanical art exhibition. We have extra seats. Are you interested?"

["smooth."] Reno mocked.

Lucka hit Reno mentally. She nodded. Great. An opportunity to spy on him. "Sure. I'd like to. Thanks for inviting me."

"I can't wait to see you again," he said, extending his hand to kiss her knuckles.

Lucka almost greeted her teeth. Instead, she displayed a tight smile. She drew Ilona's name card and gave it to Orion. "Call me," she said, leaning on her toes to give him an air kiss to say goodbye.


Lucka scrubbed her hand until it felt raw and scratchy. The color of her hand turned red. She sighed and tugged her hair under the shower, trying her best to wash Orion's lingering vicinity around her.

A single touch from him felt like a rampant offense. Am abhorrence evocation. It was a wonder Lucka didn't hit his face right then.

Speaking of hitting a scum, it reminded her of the General three months ago. It was the most satisfying feeling after being violated. Although, his expression at that moment made her want to hit him more. Yes, just at that moment because her feelings sifted from execrate to something else. To something more complex because they started to have sex.

Lucka took a deep breath and exhaled sharply.

WE FUCKING HAD SEX.

The General and I.

How insane was it?

Zeus.

It was so wrong.

But why it also felt so ironically good?

The bond was such a demonic intermediary. Lucka was one hundred sure about it. How could she not? Before, she was so adamant about eschewing him because she was terrified. But the moment they did something intimate, the wall was gone. Like she had unlocked something astronomical between them. It was not helping that he was the most attractive man on Gaia, with excellent skill. And despite his obscene acts, she was still attracted to him. Yes, it was downright sick.

Although, because of Ryuu, Lucka had a high standard of men. He should be kind and loving, loyal, wealthy, debonair, and engaging. General was all that above except the former. He was a walking red flag she should avoid. But in reciprocal, Lucka had drawn to his deadly charm. Or was it just her who relished something destructive? Also, fuck Ryuu.

Lucka despised it the most when her mind roamed voluntarily, unlocking the most unhinged memory and ruminating about it over and over until she went malding.

Lucka hated her hormones. She hated she couldn't withstand the General. She hated how her body reacted to him biologically. She hated how he made her feel good, how her body responded to every inferno he gave—

Lucka gasped as she discovered her hand traced down on her lower body part.

"Fuck."

I hate my mind.


Her red, long, colored nails glistened when she pushed the door open to the hall. A crisp clicking sound from her black stiletto rang through the murmured voice inside the room. She glanced around and met the eyes of some men ogled over her, over the lack of fabric she wore. Lucka loved the revealing dress, though. The short cobalt blue A-line bodice clad her body tightly, showing every curve she had.

She skimmed around to spot the man. One or two Lucka also glanced at some botanical paintings on the wall. She would like to see them in detail later. Surrounded by art somehow made the mission bearable.

"Ilona."

Lucka spun around and readily put a bright smile on her face. Orion Lannighan was what she remembered a few days ago. He had dressed attractively in another elegant suit. Navy blue with a grey accent this time. His black hair was pushed back neatly, with some strands along his forehead.

"Glad you made it here," he said with a dashing smile. "You look amazing." His eyes traveled her body from head to toe eagerly.

"Thanks for the invitation," she said, satisfied with his reaction.

"You also look... handsome."

Handsome bastard.

Orion chuckled. "Shall we meet the artist?" he said, offering his arm.

"Oh, sure." She placed a hand on his elbow.

Orion steered her around the corner to the massive painting in the room. There stood a group of people talking and admiring the artwork.

"Miranda," Orion said.

"Orion! Thanks for coming. Do you enjoy it?" said the woman after they exchanged kisses on the cheeks.

"Yes. You're a brilliant artist. The artworks are masterpieces," He said. "Anyway, meet my friend, Ilona."

Lucka offered her hand, and she shook it. "I'm Ilona. You have an outstanding talent." She said with a grin. It wasn't a lie. "They inspire me for my next project."

"You flatter me! Oh, do you paint too?" Miranda said and clasped her hands in front of her, smiling curiously.

"Yes, sometimes. I love painting to escape from my job as an art director."

"That's sweet. What do you usually paint?" Miranda asked enthusiastically.

"I'm into still life and portraits," Lucka said, remembering Ryuu and her portrait by the fireplace she tore. She grimaced mentally at the thought.

Miranda nodded with a big smile. Then someone called her, and she excused herself.

"Miranda is so lovely," she told Orion.

Orion nodded. "She is. And very passionate with her work," he said, walking her to the lining painting in the corridor. "Have you seen all these paintings?"

"No. I just arrived when you called me. Have you?"

"No, just some part of the exhibition. Shall we have a tour?" he asked, leaning closer to her.

"I'd love to," she said.

They strolled the hall together. Sometimes they paused to admire the artwork on display. Orion said while leading her into another wall, "So. You do painting,"

"I do. How about you?" Lucka glanced up at him.

Orion gave her an alluring smile. "I do paint botanical art, actually."

Lucka was genuinely surprised. "Ah! I see the connection." She asked, "Why botanical, though?"

"Hmmm. Because in my opinion, botanical art, as a new art, often found, but rarely recognized," He said. "From a young age, we meet them, among others, through textbooks, illustrated dictionaries, or encyclopedias that secretly arouse my interest in nature. Especially living here in Midgar, botanical evoke my curiosity."

"I see. I had read some botanical books that said this art has a long history. Traces of the ancestors' efforts to record plants were important, useful, or meaningful for their lives." Lucka said.

"Correct. Moreover, as a blend of art and science, botanical art can be an effective medium for transmitting knowledge and raising awareness and love for biodiversity, especially flora in Gaia. With biodiversity that is very abundant but underappreciated, Midgar needs many actors, activists, supporters as well as botanical art lovers. Thus we seek to advance the art of botany while promoting the diversity of Gaian flora to the wider community, one of which is through exhibitions."

Lucka nodded and listened to Orion intently. They talk more about botanical art later on while looking at the paintings. He was, in fact, a dangerously educated man; he had character. He was serious with his passion outside the drug dealing. He would be one of the charming professors she would love to talk to if his actions weren't so disgraceful.

"Do you have a plan after this?" Orion asked.

"No. I'm free."

"How about dinner?"

"Sure," she said with a small smile. Yes. Just like this, Orion. You made this easier for me.

They had dinner in what was like an Italian restaurant in her world regarding the food. Lucka twirled the puttanesca on her plate, eyes on Orion.

"How's it like to have a career as an art curator, Orion?"

"Outside writing funding bids and other paperwork? Delightful."

"So you enjoy it. I'm a little envious." She sighed.

"Why? Do you not enjoy your profession?"

"Mmm hmm, No, not that I'm not enjoying it. It's just more stressful lately. "

"Tell me more about it," he said after sipping his wine.

"The pitching and the Board demand was a complete mental. And don't make me talk about the budgeting," she huffed.

"I can relate." He smirked, twirling his wine glass and giving her a pointed look.

The talk effortlessly flowed until it was quite late. They part way at the restaurant with a promised call from Orion and a date around next weekend.

["It's a wrap. Congrats! You've endured the suffering this far. Let's go home!"] Reno cheerfully said.

Lucka rolled her eyes. "Yeah. Let's go," she said and walked to meet Reno in the car.


"So you start having intercourse with this man," she said while scribbling on her notepad.

"Yeah. Kinda," Lucka bit her lower lip, silently counting how often she had sex with the General after that night's date. Four times a week for this month, perhaps?

"This man, who also had assaulted you several times in the past," she said, raising her eyebrows.

"Uh-huh," Lucka averted her eyes like a kid got caught stealing candy.

Ellen nodded and put down the pen slowly on the desk. "How do you feel about it?"

Ah, here we go; an explicit inquisition of a therapist.

"I know it's unhealthy and damaging. But I never really physically do self-harm except drinking. So this is new to me."

"Are you excited about it?"

"About the sex or the self-harm?"

"Both."

"Honestly... yes," Lucka shamefully confessed.

Ellen nodded and wrote something on her note. "Does the feeling make you want to do it repeatedly?"

"Um.. yeah. The sex is great. And about the self-harm, I think my brain started asking more for endorphins. It quickly adapts the instant gratification." It was the only logical reason she could think of besides blaming the bond between them. And she couldn't possibly tell Ellen about that complicated connection.

"Right. Do you want to tell me something more?" Lucka shook her head. Ellen nodded and said, "So, Lucka. It's already a good step for you to understand the state of your mind. You are also aware the act is not good for you. But the problem is you can't control it. It just keeps happening," she said as she raised her hands.

"Yes. It seems like I can't stop it. I know how bad he is for me. but..."

"But you keep coming for him," she finished. "Does he treat you well?"

Lucka furrowed her eyebrows. Does the General treat me well?

"He's fine, I guess? He acts nicer after apologizing to me. Sometimes he can be a bit rough during sex. I don't know. He seems into it. And I'm cool about that because he asked first. But in normal circumstances, he's okay. He never hurt me physically or emotionally."

"Apologizing about what?"

"About the assaults."

"Okay. Did you accept the apology?"

"No, I didn't. I'm not ready yet."

"It's okay. I'm not saying holding a grudge is good. But forgiveness is not something that can be forced. I understand it must be hard for you, but maybe you already know forgiveness brings benefit to oneself?"

Lucka pursed her lips. "Yes, I know. Though, I don't want to have the benefit yet. But that doesn't mean I won't try."

Ellen put on a soft smile. "It's okay, Lucka. Until you're ready, we can work on something else."

"Right. Moving on," Lucka said.

Ellen wrote some long sentences on her note. "Looking back at the latest event. Does all of this happen after you felt betrayed by your cousin?"

Lucka took a deep breath and nodded. "Yeah. I'm devastated. And I feel so worthless, you know. The one I trusted my whole world with turned betrayed me. I find my life meaningless."

"Right." Ellen interlaced her hands on her lap. She said, "Here's the thing, Lucka. When our emotional need doesn't meet, our consciousness will try to find something to fill it. It can be anything. In this case, it tries to take on the intercourse as a form of coping mechanism and a release in the shape of self-harm."

"This man is nice to you. Perhaps he gives you attention when you need it the most. And he may offer the comfort you seek after the betrayal. Accepting those acts is completely normal, regardless of the obstructive history with him, with or without your forgiveness. Because the signal is mixed, as long as it feels good, your brain can't distinguish it. But we know the outcome is not ideal."

Lucka went thoroughly silent. It was not all about the bond. Damn. So, psychologically, she also fucked up.

"Lucka?"

"Sorry. I try to stomach it, but it seems too much," Lucka said while rubbing her face.

"Should we end the session early?" Ellen said with a concerned face.

"No. No, no. It's okay. I should get this resolved soon." Lucka said with her most convincing tone. "Go on."

"Okay. Tell me right away if you need a break," Ellen said. "What is your next step if you want to resolve this?"

Lucka shook her head. "No idea. I can't decide if I wanna cut him off or keep seeing him."

"It's okay if you can't decide now. Do you trust him? Do you think the relationship may have an improvement?"

"Well, he tries to emend his past actions. And I can see the proof one by one. So I think he's trustworthy enough. But I'm afraid, what if I become dependent? What if he becomes my new addiction because he holds himself as my support system?"

"Addiction," Ellen smile. "You are doing great by having remission in drug addiction. Then we can apply a similar method to control it before you build impaired emotional dependency with him."

"How?"

"First, It's not others' job to fill your emotional void or needs, and you should realize that true emotional fulfillment can only be provided by loving yourself. Meeting emotional needs involves learning to acknowledge your emotions as you experience them."

"Ellen, I need a separate session to work on my horrid self-love."

Ellen chuckled. "We can do both at one time, Lucka. These are how we can manage emotional Interdependence. To feel worthy and lovable, an emotional connection with the self is crucial. Pushing away our thoughts and feelings only creates a hole within. And it will be a vicious circle."

"Getting to know ourselves through self-expression is how we can establish a self-connection. It allows us to be self-compassionate, and when we learn to express ourselves, we start to deal with our emotions more compassionately, rationally, and responsively. What do you usually do to self-express?"

"I love to paint."

"Art therapy. Yes. If painting works for you, let's start with it."

"Do you think it's good enough for coping? I mean, I'm an artist. I paint almost every day."

"Well. You might notice certain things trigger emotionally dependent behaviors. Identifying specific triggers can help you explore another coping method, whether talking to a friend about your feelings or using positive self-talk to remind yourself of your strengths and successes."

Lucka pout. "I'm still not sure about it. If I decided to cut him off, I wouldn't need to go the extra mile. But the problem is I'm indecisive."

"It's okay. We can go slowly. I'm here to help you navigate healthier strategies for getting emotional needs met after all."

Lucka looked down at her polished nails. She said slowly. "But Ellen, what do you think about me seeing him? Do you think I'm insane?"

"Hmmm," Ellen drawled. "If you ask my opinion, seeing him it's not the most proper decision. But It's understandable why you can't leave him soon. Aside from the attachment we had discussed, do you think you may catch feelings?"

Lucka's eyes grew big. "No way. I don't think I develop any romantic feelings toward him."

Ellen nodded. "Do you think there will be a chance? If so, the emotional dependence will evolve faster than before."

"God. I hope not." Lucka scrunched her nose in disgust.

Ellen nodded and wrote something again.

"Wait. But how if it happens?" Lucka said with an overly disturbed facial expression. She couldn't imagine falling for a supervillain.

"Yes, there's always a possibility, Lucka. You're two healthy young adults involved in a sexual relationship, not a platonic one. Moreover, if he's present and fulfills your emotional needs continuously, it will lead to something romantic because human nature seeks intimacy. Being heard, to be understood, what we want from others."

"God, save me," she said with horror in her eyes.

Ellen smiled. "It's okay. The outcome will reflect how you take upon your actions towards him. And that's what we're about to work on. So you shouldn't dwell on this too far."

Lucka nodded lamely.

"So, what's your objective to navigate your emotional feelings toward him? Because we know emotions can affect our behavior directly, right?"

Lucak put on a thinking gesture. "Setting boundaries, maybe?"

"Right. You should have clearly defined boundaries first. Let's apply it and see how it goes until our next session."

"Alright. Another homework." Lucka sighed.

Ellen shook her head and smiled. "Do you have something else to tell?"

"No. I think it's enough."

"Okay. Thank you for coming and opening up, Lucka. I hope your feelings improve and the progress gets even better."

"Thanks, Ellen. I'll meet you again next month. Bye," Lucka said as she stood.

"Goodbye. Have a nice day, Lucka." Ellen said and escorted her to the door.


HI! Sorry it took me so long to update! I thought I'd be able to finish this chapter before my vacation to the Middle east last November. But things happened, and I just had time to edit the chapter lately. See you in chapter 27 (probably) in the next few months! xoxo