"Have you received any news that might help me get back home?" I asked Guild Girl once the commotion of the early morning quest posting died down, cleaning up the last few morsels of the meal before me.

It had already been several weeks since Jurgen and I managed to end up stranded on this backwater feudal world far removed from the conflicts between the Imperium, xenos, and whatever repulsive machinations the forces of Chaos were cooking up. I must admit that after having spent so much time away from the frontlines I was almost starting to think of my current situation as my retirement.

Almost.

Thanks to the continued efforts of Goblin Slayer recruiting me for his nigh constant goblin hunts, and to a far lesser extent Priestess whose death I did not want marring my reputation on account of failing to join that grungy maniac's crusade against the local variety of greenskins, I had not been able to live the same life of luxury I would have enjoyed on the paradise world I had originally planned on spending the last of my days on. Sure there were plenty of beauties to watch frolic within the Adventurers' Guild and gambling to take part in, complete with suckers with more coin than sense like the spear wielding annoyance I regularly cleaned out, whenever I wasn't risking my life in some dank cave in the arse end of nowhere. And this was before even considering the gourmet food served on this planet that was comparable to a Lord General's personal chef's repertoire, but I still couldn't quite call this the peaceful retirement I had been hoping for.

Then again, knowing my luck, perhaps my current routine of hunting goblins most days and fraternizing with the adventurers who had bought into my erroneous reputation between adventures was the best I could ask for. More than a fair share of easy assignments I had given myself put me in greater danger than the blatant suicide missions I regularly avoided, to say nothing of the Commissariat's tendency to pull former officers out of retirement whenever a new crusade was organized. Perhaps my days of trudging knee deep in the corpses of child sized greenskins was the closest thing I could know to an easy, peaceful life.

And maybe The Emperor himself would walk off the Golden Throne and congratulate me for being the only man in the galaxy for having enough common sense to avoid ordering a full infantry charge against a hive fleet's worth of Tyranids, something that happened with mindnumbing regularity in other regiments. I could always hope things would change for the better, but that wouldn't stop me from ensuring that if and when the worst did come to pass, I would still be alive to enjoy another round of amasec afterwards.

"I'm sorry, but we still have yet to find any information regarding the Imperium." Guild Girl bowed in apology.

I let out a theatrical sigh and motioned her to stop with that ridiculously over performative act that seemed to be a common sight on this planet. "Oh, that's nothing for you to apologize for. I'm sure the Imperium will be fine without me."

"Besides, I think I'm starting to like it here. The food alone is worth sticking around for." I continued jokingly as I bit into the last tender piece of the steak Padfoot Waitress had brought me earlier, cooked to perfection as always.

It was then that the spear wielding idiot glided into view, making a fool of himself in his juvenile attempts to impress Guild Girl before being dragged away by his voluptuous partner, his efforts once again falling flat if her slight grimace was anything to go by. "Although the company can be a bit much sometimes." I added as an afterthought, earning a girlish giggle from the Guild employee I had come to rely on.

"True, some adventurers do have their flaws, but it doesn't seem to stop you from adventuring exclusively with your aide." She said, referring to my constant questing with Goblin Slayer and Priestess no doubt.

There were also a few times where I had taken quests with Witch and Heavy Warrior's parties on the rare occasions Goblin Slayer insisted he wanted to go alone and Priestess willingly conceded to his demands. If he was implying what I think he was implying when he mentioned how a Goblin's keen sense of smell and preference for women made goblin hunting unsuitable for her at those times, then Emperor help him should Guild Girl ever find out about it. Those rare few days did allow me to enjoy saner company with the silver ranked adventurers I had come to know ever since the incident at Frontier Town Governor's estate, and the bandit hunts they invited me on were quite enjoyable. There was something about being able to unload a barrage of lasbolts at a group of enemies armed only with crude spears and maces from a safe distance that was always satisfying.

It was as I was reminiscing about these pitifully easy and quick clean up jobs that I spotted a familiar set of grimy armor masked in an odor I was less than pleased to find myself growing accustomed to barge into the Adventurer's Guild with his usual methodical stride. "Speak of the Warmaster, look who just walked in." I mused, pointing towards one half of the adventuring duo I had come to know quite well. "You're late. I thought you weren't going to show up today, Goblin Slayer."

"Commissar Cain." The adventurer greeted me in response. "I'm sorry I was late. My friend asked me to help her carry her goods into town."

"Ah, yes, moving produce with your 'friend'. I'm sure that was all you two close friends were up to together, all alone, where no one else could see you." I teased, Guild Girl blushing ever so slightly at my playful jab that didn't register with the man it was aimed at, as per usual.

It took me a little longer than I would like to admit before discovering the brunette had a thing for the mysterious, dutiful, and slightly Siggy adventurer, a trend that seemed alarmingly common with the women of this planet. Whenever our usual morning talks grew monotonous or neither of us had anything else to say and needed to kill a little more time, I would occasionally try giving her advice on how to try and convey her feelings towards him a little bit better. I say 'try', because despite her occasional questions regarding Goblin Slayer's likes, interests, and preferences in certain drinks and cuisines which I provided answers to when possible, I never heard about her trying to make a move on him.

Come to think of it, I don't think Cow Girl has tried leveraging her friendship with him either like I would have expected from someone I noticed staring at him wistfully so often. Maybe Goblin Slayer isn't the only one who isn't all there. No wonder these two girls are going after him. Crazy does attract crazy.

"I'm surprised you don't try that sometime." I told Guild Girl, giving her a conspiratorial look. "I'm sure Goblin Slayer would enjoy spending a little bit of time 'working' with you too."

The young woman's faint blush soon painted her entire face scarlet as she struggled to defend herself without offending a man who wouldn't be harmed by anything short of a slap upside the head, and even that was unlikely on account of how he never took off his armor.

"N-no. YES! No? Uhm, I mean… the rules clearly prohibit Guild employees interfering with our contracted workers' duties unless they specifically ask for help." She finally stammered out, settling for the safety provided to her by the regulations she was bound to that definitely couldn't be bent, broken, or otherwise ignored if all parties involved were in agreement.

"I wouldn't mind you joining us." Goblin Slayer said with his usual aloofness, the double entendres falling flat against his thick headed skull…

…but not against me or Guild Girl who needed a moment to make sure he wasn't frakking with us and genuinely had no idea what we were talking about. It took me a few moments to stifle my laughter to the point that I could finally speak again as the girl sat beside me dumbstruck and her cheeks glowing crimson, likely wondering whether or not she should try taking him up on his offer sometime.

"Oh, two women at once? I didn't think you were such a charmer. You might as well ask Priestess to come along with you too." I said, barely able to stop myself from breaking down into hysterical laughter at what was happening although unable to stop a few tears from streaming down my face.

"I already did." Goblin Slayer informed us. "It shouldn't be long until she joins us after helping Cow Girl clean up. They're still a little sticky."

"Goblin Slayer!" Guild Girl exclaimed, steam practically flowing from her ears as the girl turned as red as a Khornate Berserker's armor before burying her head in her arms on the table.

"I'll pay for jar of honey they knocked over." The grimy adventurer sheepishly offered, completely unaware of the sharp turn our conversation had taken.

I had just let out a wheeze of laughter at the absolute absurdity our conversation had devolved into when I caught sight of a short, green haired Eldar woman practically leaping across the room in order to reach us. I reached for my laspistol on instinct at the sight of her, but pulled my hand back after recalling that the xenos likely didn't have any intentions to harm me.

It was strange, knowing that there was a race of xenos, the unbearably haughty Eldar no less, coexisting with humanity on this planet. How such a thing happened and why they haven't tried to exterminate each other, I could begin to guess nor did I want to. That was something for the Inquisition to find out, and after hearing rumors about some sort of Eldar-human hybrid abominations roaming around, I wanted some degree of plausible deniability to hide behind when the Imperium came to this planet and wiped the knife ears out.

That was also the same reason why I never bothered looking into the various gods and goddesses the people and xenos of this planet worshiped. I will assume all the good ones are The Emperor or some aspect of him and his Primarchs or saints and that all evil ones are daemons until it is safe to assume otherwise. The last thing I need right now is to find myself the center of a holy war with only Jurgen on my side.

As the small Eldar approached us, I saw that she was not alone. An even shorter, rounder humanoid creature trailed behind her on one side and a massive scaled beastman or possible xenos dressed vaguely like one of those dinosaur riding Eldar I had come to dread ever since my first encounter with them. While I could likely assume the Eldar and lizard-like man were on the same side, I could not assume the same about the Squat accompanying them.

Squats were abhumans as renowned for their ingenuity and toughness as they were for their ancestral hatred of elves, and the handful of them I had met early in my career only reinforced that stereotype. For a Squat and Eldar to be walking together without trying to kill each other was concerning. The possibility that they had found a common enemy to unite against and cooperate to fight was terrifying, even more so if they were approaching a table full of humans. There were only a handful of threats I could think of that would require the Eldar to consider reaching out for outside help, but to recruit both abhumans and pure humans together? There were only three threats I could imagine the Eldar needing to unite with another species, possibly two species if lizard breath was a xenos I had never encountered before.

Those threats were Necrons, Orks, or Tyranids. I knew one of them was on this planet already, although I had taken care of the bigger ones a few months prior. The most likely answer was that there were a few stragglers that I had yet to clean up, and I could only pray I was right, although it did raise the question of how many of them there were for the Eldar to decide they were a threat worth uniting against.

"Orcbolg, where is he?" The Eldar girl practically shouted at the top of her lungs as she slammed her diminutive hands on the table between me and Goblin Slayer, startling Guild Girl who stood up straight at the sudden noise.

The girl was dressed lightly, wearing a simple and lightly armored tunic that caught me by surprise and reminded me far too much about my battles against the towering Sauropods. Her frame was small, almost childish, but the look in her eyes was that of someone who had decades, if not centuries of experience behind her. Apparently she was one of those Eldar, thankfully not one of the sadists who regularly took ships full of slaves to their den of depravity within the webway, but knowing that was not any comfort to me.

I tried inspecting her a bit further to see what she was capable of should I ever find the need to fight her, only finding the wooden bow and quiver full of arrows I couldn't imagine finding their way through my carapace armor, when I accidentally discovered the Eldar wasn't wearing a bra, or any other underwear to speak of. Ordinarily, I would have been quite happy with this discovery had it been a human I had noticed this on, but noticing it on a xenos only filled me with revulsion. Perhaps she was from Commorragh after all.

"If you're looking for Orks, I'm afraid you're not going to find any here." I told them, hoping the Eldar had somehow mistaken the adventurer's name for a word in her own alien tongue.

"You're not going to get anywhere if you call the people we're looking for by the wrong name." The Squat chided the xenos. "Would any of you happen to know where we could find Beard Cutter? We heard one of you scream his name a few moments ago."

The Squat was wearing as much armor as the Eldar, which was to say none at all. His clothes looked vaguely like those of an Ecclesiarch, although one from a feudal world that still had yet to drop their own heretical superstitions as they adopted worship of The Emperor. He looked old, older than the Eldar, and the only visible weapon I could see on him was the small hatchet hanging from his side. As I doubted that was the only weapon a Squat would carry into combat knowing how much they cared about making their ancestors proud in battle, I could only assume he was a psyker of some sort, similar to Witch.

I also couldn't help but to notice the faint tinge of alcohol lingering on his breath. It seemed the Squat and I would get along just fine, should we ever find the need to socialize more than was required of us.

"We did?" Guild Girl asked, her blush fading as it was replaced by the same mild confusion I hid behind my mask of indifference. "I'm sorry, but I don't know who you are talking about. You are looking for an adventurer, right?

"Two of them, actually." The lizard said, his deep voice coming out surprisingly soft and gentle, quite the contrast from his hulking build.

The lizard beastman was a large, green scaled humanoid that stood even larger than Heavy Warrior. What little of his body wasn't covered in the strange feathered garb he wore was bulging with muscle, making it all too easy to assume he could match an Ogryn in strength since he already matched them in size. I couldn't see any weapons on him, but judging by the size of the claws on each of his fingers and the thick tail trailing behind him, I doubted he needed one.

Big and scaly had a strange accent, unlike his companions. He also seemed far more used to speaking with others on the Eldar and Squat's behalf despite it. I had seen other beastmen like him in the Adventurer's Guild before on occasion, but I still found myself staring in awe at the towering man who dwarfed me like he was an Astartes.

"I know my companions have their own names for one of them, Orcbolg and Beard Cutter," The lizard said, pointing at the Eldar and Squat respectively, "But I believe you humans have your own name for him…"

"Goblin Slayer?" I finished for him, dreading the answer I was sure to receive.

The strange trio's eyes all lit up the instant I spoke. Apparently I was correct.

"Yes, that is who we've been looking for!" The Eldar announced, as she winced at the sight of the armored adventurer standing across the table from her. "Are you him? You certainly look better than the rookie in the cheap looking armor you were talking to."

"No, sorry to disappoint, but I'm not who you're looking for." I said, smiling as I pointed to the blockhead standing beside me. "He is."

The excited look on the Eldar's face vanished in an instant and was soon replaced with horror. The Squat also grimaced at my revelation, but didn't give into despair like the xenos. No, if anything I'd say he was evaluating Goblin Slayer's gear similarly to how I looked over his.

"You have got to be kidding me. That's Goblin Slayer? There's no way that Porcelain is who we are looking for!" The Eldar complained.

"Just hold on a moment there, lass. I think what we're looking at here is a master of his craft." The Squat said with an approving tone.

"What!?"

"Excuse me?"

The Eldar and I shared a look of disbelief before waiting for the Squat to explain himself.

"Look at him: He wears enough plate armor to protect his vitals without slowing him down in a tight cave, some chainmail and leather underneath it which is light and quiet enough to stay silent while crawling through tunnels yet also offering up just enough protection to keep himself protected from any daggers. Not only that, but his sword is short enough to be swung freely in cramped quarters without fear of banging against a wall or support beam, his shield is battered but thick enough to stop a mace and its edges are honed sharp enough to be used as a weapon, and all of his gear is cheap enough to be thrown away and replaced at a moment's notice." The Squat said, giving each piece of Goblin Slayer's gear a nod of approval as he went over them. "Oh, and there's also the silver tag hanging from his neck. I don't know how someone as keen eyed as you missed that."

The Eldar's jaw dropped open noticing this last piece, still unable to believe what she was seeing. "How can someone like him become a silver ranked adventurer? Shouldn't he have some better gear?" She asked in exasperation.

The Squat scoffed at her question. "Only a child would think about using a mithril sword or enchanted weapon against something as weak as a goblin when all you need to kill them is a simple piece of iron. You'd better remember that for later when we start looking for the other human, long ears."

"Who else are you looking for? Another silver ranked adventurer?" Guild Girl inquired, trying to do her job dutifully.

"No. We hear he's a hero of some sort that has been working with Goblin Slayer often as of late, but we do not know what rank he is. We do know his name, however." The lizard interjected, his words making my palms tingle in anticipation.

"Let me guess, you're looking for Commissar Cain, aren't you?" I sighed.

"Oh, and do you know him too?" The Eldar asked, before waving her hands in front of my face and adopting a sarcastic tone. "No, wait, let me guess. You're the Hero of the Imperium we are looking for."

The Eldar offered me a playful grin as she mocked me. That same grin fell as none of us said a word and the realization slowly dawned on her and the rest of her companions.

"We've spent almost a month looking for help… and we found them sitting together in the same tavern on our first day in town." The Eldar muttered in disappointment.

"Oh, don't sound so depressed. I'm sure you tried your hardest." I said, holding back a chuckle as the xenos stomped down her foot in a childish show of anger.

"Hey, watch it!" She shouted.

"So, I assume you came looking for us to purge a nest of goblins?" I asked her companions, making a point to ignore her incessant insults that soon followed.

Goblin Slayer, who had been standing around completely detached from the conversation until now, stood up straight now that we were discussing a subject he was interested in. I motioned for him to sit down and let me do the talking, as we had already come to the agreement that I was far better at negotiating with our employers after several awkward encounters in our first few days working together.

"Yes, you would be correct, m'lord Commissar Cain." The lizard man said, folding his hands in a strange gesture and giving me a slight bow.

"Please, forget the formalities. I'd rather not waste time with that frivolous pomp and circumstance unless we have to. Oh, and 'Cain' will more than suffice." I told the scaled behemoth, earning a nod of approval from the Squat.

"Finally, some royalty I can get along with! Why can't you be more like Cain, long ears?" He laughed, nudging the Eldar with his elbow as she scowled back at him.

"Ah, I see, m'lord Cain. My apologies." The lizard man said, either purposefully ignoring what I told him or deciding to offer me a little respect. Either way, I did not bother correcting him.

"I will try to make this brief according to your wishes." He continued. "Each of us have been chosen as a representative of our kingdoms to investigate a disturbance that has occurred in a nearby forest that none of our leaders can send an army to without it being seen as a declaration of war. While each kingdom could send out an army of their own, there are greater threats that need to be dealt with first"

"So you need a bunch of adventurers from every kingdom to investigate instead because none of the kingdoms trust each other to do it alone." I quickly surmised.

While I wasn't familiar with Imperial politics myself, beyond the eventual appearance of the Imperial Guard when the xenos we were cooperating with needed to be taken care of with a more permanent measure, I knew exactly how much of a pain it could be to keep a bunch of rival species happy. My brief time on Gravalax and repeated encounters with Tau diplomats had given me just enough experience to know how difficult it could be to work in contested territory and keep everyone from killing each other, myself included. I could only hope that there would be no Genestealers involved this time.

"That's the jist of it, yeah." The Squat said.

"And why do you need us specifically? I can't imagine a bunch of goblins are worth the attention of several kingdoms." I told him.

"That's exactly why they want us adventurers to go out there and slay them." The Eldar said, looking slightly remorseful at the thought of goblins being allowed to roam freely otherwise.

Then again, maybe that was from needing to ask a couple of mon-keigh for help. It was hard to tell with Eldar.

"We'll do it." Goblin Slayer decided automatically before we could hear any of the important details regarding the quest.

"Stop right there." I ordered him, putting on my most authoritative voice to stop the adventurer in his tracks. "Where do you think you're going when we don't know our enemy's numbers, strengths, equipment, or even where they bloody well are?" I asked him.

"Urk!" He gasped, unable to retort and eventually coming back.

"Sorry you had to see that." I said as I rested my head in my hands for a brief few seconds before putting on a friendly mask before addressing the odd trio once again. "Now, where were we?"

"We were about to invite you to join us on our mission, m'lords Cain and Goblin Slayer." The lizard man boomed.

"Oh, we'll be joining you? And here I thought Goblin Slayer and I would be going in alone." I mused, putting up the false impression that I didn't consider letting this strange bunch lead us so they could take the brunt of whatever arrows the goblins fired when they finally saw us.

"You said it yourself." The Squat said, pausing as he took a sip from a gourd that reeked of booze that he procured from somewhere underneath his robes. "We know what our mission is and you have the know-how to ensure everything goes off without a hitch. Sounds like a match made in heaven, huh?"

"It will, as soon as I know what our pay will be." I told him.

"Doesn't matter." Goblin Slayer interrupted.

"Maybe to you, but not all of us can bum around with our friend's parents for our entire lives." I replied, careful not to elaborate any further.

I wasn't poor by any means, the Guild was still paying me two gold coins a day to keep me on hand for when the instructing area I helped them design was finally built so I could train a few rookies on opening week and show the retired adventurers they hired to teach the next generation how to do their jobs properly, after all. With that said, I couldn't exactly let news spread about how I would be willing to go on any random dangerous quest for pennies since that would lead to all sorts of suicidal missions being sent my way. I had enough problems keeping myself alive despite Goblin Slayer and Jurgen coming up with ways to exterminate goblins on a daily basis and I was struggling to prevent them from enacting the vast majority of them.

Besides, if my memory served me correctly, Priestess was an orphan that still lived in the temple that raised her. The poor girl could use all the help and funds she could get, if only she could finally afford a weapon to defend herself and, by extension, me with.

"Weren't you saying something about needing to find a way back home?" The Eldar girl spoke up. "I've heard songs saying you were lost far from home. Perhaps on top of the reward meant for Goblin Slayer, we could also help you reach out to this 'Imperium' of yours."

It was an offer I couldn't refuse, no matter how much I wanted to turn it down. I had little doubt that Guild Girl saw through my attempt to put a price on my work since I had worked for meager funds before, most of my adventures with Goblin Slayer could barely cover the cost of my room, let alone the food bill Jurgen and I accumulated. Helping these adventurers would also increase my reputation and potentially help me make contact with the Imperium too, although after having only dealt with one band of Orks since my arrival on this planet I wasn't sure if getting put back on the frontlines of an expeditionary force was worth leaving this backwater planet anymore.

It was with a heavy heart and no small numbers of hairs on my palm screaming at me to reconsider that I accepted the terms the xenos and abhumans offered me.

"Great, that's settled. We'll be able to leave whenever you two are ready." The Eldar girl said, eagerly stretching herself as she prepared for what she assumed would be a long walk.

Oh, if only she knew how Goblin Slayer and I traveled these days, she would have never tried to recruit us. As soon as Jurgen finished running his morning errands and joined us back in the Guild, the seven of us were going to have quite the eventful road trip.


Special thanks to Tireless Traveler for beta reading this chapter!


Author's Corner:

The silver ranked trio have finally made their appearance. Unlike in canon GS, Goblin Slayer wasn't in charge of the negotiations making them go a little smoother. Expect a few more changes, minor and major, thanks to the useful skills and resources Cain possesses. Good luck and common sense pale in comparison to knowing how to hold a goddamn conversation, to say nothing about what a lasgun and competent aide can accomplish.


Comments:

RandomSovietFarmer: From amount of shit coming his way our Beloved Comissiar Cain is gonna have a "Good Time"

To us, a couple of xenos and other threats are a bad time. To Cain, this is Tuesday, as a "Guest" pointed out.

Havel The Hebel: I am probably already saying this in probs chap 1 or 2, but im gonna say it again. I can't wait too see Cain meet an elf.

I hope I didn't disappoint. First impressions between adventurers matter, and even if they are a xenos, the last thing you want is your archer wondering whether they should shoot the enemy in the face or you in the back.

holandia1103:I have a feeling that that song will follow Cain no matter where he goes, much to his disdain and loathing.

Yep, there is nothing quite like unwanted fame and notoriety to reinforce your impostor syndrome.


Well, that's it for me. Thanks for reading and I hope to see you all again in the future!