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TWELVE

Oh, just you wait. Let us at them sir! The frakkers won't know what'll hit 'em until we're right in front of them with a dagger to their face and a smile on ours.

— Sergeant Dora Terraforth, 15th Athonian Tunnel Rats

Getting shot at is sometimes unavoidable for one of my station, especially since I'm dressed in something so recognizable that even a Tyranid would go after me thinking I'm some prized bird. Either way–in my unenviable position–I felt content that my piece of cover was good enough to absorb whatever the genestealers could throw at me. Though I honestly can't say the same for Artemis, whom popped out from cover to lose arrows with dubious munitions, which to my surprise actually had done the trick to throw off their aim and even shoot themselves*192.

'God damn it.' She hissed, the fire redirecting towards us. 'If you got any ideas Cain, now would be a good time to tell me!' Well don't ask me, you got us into this mess in the first place you nosy git! Now that she put me on the spot, I had instinctively looked around. At the very least, I had to make an attempt before declaring it hopeless and retreat…but first…

'Cover me!' I shouted, and dashed across the door. It would have been successful too, if only I didn't trip over an arm. It was one of the GCPD arbites, and she had a modified bolter*193. Why would she even have one, I wouldn't know. Then again, many dangerous women in my life always seem to lean towards the most destructive piece of hardware. I wonder why? Maybe they're overcompensating for something*194. Though, one glance at the officer before me, she wasn't lacking in much*195. I ignored those thoughts for now, and I latched onto her arm and dragged her towards me because I'll be daft if I'm showing my body again. Nonetheless, I got her body behind cover and undid the harness for her bolt gun and ammo. Now, I normally don't pick up such a weapon because of how unwieldy they are, and the ammo's heavy too. But it was either this, or the nonlethal toys that the Justice League gave me. I'd rather live.

'Mary!' Another arbites gasped, coming from behind.

'Sorry.' I said, expressing my condolences. I know many in the 597th whom lost a loved one in combat. It's never easy being the source of comfort for so many, but it comes with the job. Admittedly, I felt some pity for the orphans of those same guardsmen that fell in battle. I had recommended him for the Schola Progenium. Bound to be a much better life than some servitor on a ship. A barrage of gunfire broke me from my reminiscing and the male arbites looked at me, eyes fiery in rage.

'You make those bastards pay, got it?!' He hissed, and I couldn't help myself but nod, and I made yet another mistake. I made a promise that'll probably get me killed. I shook myself out of my stupor and looked at Artemis, seeing all the fire on her. I could leave her, but I'm sure her mother would be furious at me, and more importantly, deny me desserts. I couldn't let that happen, so I popped out of cover and aimed the bolt gun and squeezed the trigger. The effects were instantaneous, and those genestealers didn't know what hit them. The mutant freaks imploded, splattering the restaurant grounds with ichor and I ran out of shells.

'Cain.' Artemis panted, staring at me. 'Wha-What did you do?'

'Something stupid.' I admitted, reloading with a fresh drum. 'Are you okay?' I always found it was good for my reputation if I put on a bit of a show, playing up my fantastical reputation for concern for the men under me–or rather, in this case, daughter, who's mother promised me desserts, and I will get them!

'Yeah, I'm good.' Artemis stuttered. 'I'm not broken, at least. What are those things?'

'Xenos.' I said, walking into the restaurant, stepping over the bodies. I didn't have to turn around to see arbites and medicae coming in to assist their wounded, but I didn't pay attention to that, I went in deeper, towards the back and into the kitchen.

'Uh, Cain?' The blonde archer said to get my attention. 'What are you looking for?' I pointed with the barrel of the bolter. It was a hole, dug up in the furthest corner from the door. Electricity was still on, thankfully, and I peered into the hole and my heart fell.

'Now we have a bigger problem.' I bitterly said.

'Ah shit.' Artemis echoed my own thoughts. 'They came in from the sewers.' Now, normally I would just call in Amberley and her personal army to handle it from here. Unfortunately, Artemis' suspicions of her made things difficult.

'We'll have go in ourselves.' I bitterly acknowledged. 'A little reconnaissance is what's needed here. At least, before we send in a proper seek & destroy force.' I turned to face the archer. 'How are you on munitions?'

'I still got an extra quiver.' She replied, taking a knee to look down. 'Think I should loot a cop for body armour?'

'Probably.' I agreed readily. A fortunate trait that I found in Artemis, she has a concern for her well-being! A rare trait in this queer place. 'The last thing I need is you getting incapacitated by a lucky ricochet.'

'You going to be packing that shotgun with you?' Artemis wondered, as did I. This wasn't a bolter*196?

'I won't be.' I readily admitted. 'The ammunitions heavy, and I need something light for this recon mission.'

I stepped out of the kitchen and back to the police line. Their medicae were quick in dealing with the wounded, but they aren't taking the chance to go into the kitchen. Ultimately, I'm forced to change all that.

'Who's in charge here?' I asked in my parade ground cadence. 'Speak up now, we don't have all night.'

'That'd be me kid.' A gruff lieutenant shot up, a bandage wound over his skull and covering his left eye. 'What do you want?'

'The…insurgents…have retreated into the sewers. I am requesting body armour and any sidearms you can spare.' I reported as I would to any seasoned veteran with no great opinion with commissars. 'How is Mary, by the way?' Plus a little of my vaudevillian act.

'She'll live, thanks to you.' He replied, his earlier aggression soothing out.

'And the rest of your men?' I asked, testing the waters to see if I could make a rapport with him.

'They got lucky. If you didn't gun those bastards down in that second, they wouldn't have made it.' He answered, a little gruff. 'Listen, I don't have any good feelings with you hero types. It makes my job that much harder, but you're alright.' He turned to one of his men and waved her up. 'You'll get your armour and guns kid. The least I can do.'

'I hope we will be able to work together in future Lieutenant-' I trailed off, allowing him to fill in the blanks.

'Branden. Howard Branden kid.' He replied, extending a hand.

'Call me Ciaphas Cain.' I answered, shaking his hand. A moment later, body armour, two handguns, and several magazines were issued to me. 'Wish us luck.' And I went back to Artemis with our requisitioned goods.


Now, as any sane person would ask, why in the hell is Cain going down into the sewers to seek out genestealers? He could have let the arbites handle the situation—or better yet—Amberley. Most wouldn't be wrong to say that this is groxshit insanity and old Ciaphas became mental. But there is a logic to this. If I were to stay behind and let the GCPD handle procedures, there is a chance that the genestealers would corrupt the arbites, and make my job that much harder! I would be stuck there for months on end just to ensure the purity of the men and women. Moreover, I wouldn't be able to get back in time to taste Paula's desserts. So I thought to myself that it would be better to rip this bandaid off now and find the genestealer's nest and report back for others–namely Amberley*197–to do the rest of the heavy lifting. There's also less of a chance for anybody to ask of me to join them in a seek & destroy mission after I do such a harrowing and complicated mission which is reconnaissance. It's foolproof!

'Cain, you got any idea where we're going?' Artemis hissed, sticking to the side where it was shallower. She looked much better with body armour, let alone with a proper sidearm on her person.

'Trust me Artemis.' I said, putting up airs of more confidence than what I really believe I have. 'I have a knack for these sorts of places. I was born in a hive city after all.'

'What's a hive city?' She asked.

'Er, not important*198.' I replied offhandedly. 'Just know that there are many cramped and narrow tunnels like these that make up the city.'

'Sounds like a shit hole.' Artemis deadpanned. 'No offence.'

'None taken.' I replied, making a right turn. 'The lower down the hive you are, the worse the conditions are.'

'I'm sorry.' She said, walking beside me. 'Didn't realise you were a gutter-rat like me.'

'Why? Is it because of how posh I talk?' I joked, making another turn. 'I developed it during my time at the Schola Progenium.' And form the many, many Highborn girls that I usually frequent*199.

'How'd you get into a school like this?' Artemis wondered. 'It couldn't have been cheap.'

'Surprisingly cheaper than you'd think.' I replied. 'Parents were both killed in battle. As were many others like me.'

'So they were war heroes?' Artemis pressed, rather surprised by that aspect. 'You're a war orphan?'

'They must have been.' I admitted. 'As I learnt later in life, not just any tunnel rat could get picked up and enrolled into the Schola.'

'That's just…' She trailed off, shaking her head. 'I'm sorry Cain. That's a real shitty life you had.'

'Yes, well, it could have been worse.' I replied, trying to sound more upbeat than what I actually felt. After all, it could have been a whole lot better too. I could be living it up as a guild member with girls on either side of my arms and legs*200. 'Over there.' I pointed up ahead and to the left. 'There's a draft over there.'

'I don't feel any-shit.' Artemis swore, and we both took cover which consisted of nothing else but us hugging the walls of the sewer as tightly as possible and praying to the Emperor that they don't look right. From where we were, a light was showing. Out from the light was a section*201 of men left, heavily armed.

'Alright, we know where they are, let's head back-' My more sensible replacement Jurgen began, before I was forced to interject. Curse my luck.

'As much as it pains me to admit.' And I was quite serious about the situation. 'At least to get an idea to see where their front door is.'

'What, but isn't that the front door?' She asked, reasonable for someone unfamiliar with tunnels such as I.

'I'm afraid not.' I grumbled, waving Artemis forward and leaning over the side to see more tunnels going deeper below the sewer. 'Contact Amberley.'

'What?!' She hissed.

'This is her purview and responsibilities.' I explained. 'As an Inquisitor of the Ordo Xenos, she deals with the alien. We must leave her to handle this.' As well as get me the frak away from here and back to Paula*202. 'Oh, and be sure to mention that a section had just left these tunnels.'

'Why not call the Justice League?' Artemis queried, arms crossed. I shivered at the thought. A supremely overpowered group of bloody do-gooders with powers was bad enough, but a supremely overpowered group of genestealers are an absolute nightmare!

'We cannot risk a spread of infection.' I stated, tilting my chin down to hide my eyes, playing the exhausted and saddened Commissar routine. 'I have seen this…condition before. Knowing the Justice League, they would try to "cure" them of this curse. They cannot as they are already dead.'

'They seemed pretty alive to me.' She shot back, looking rather unimpressed. 'But continue.'

'The xenos are a strain from a xenos species that want nothing more than to eat all life.' I said, taking the blunt route. 'In this case, they are infiltrators who's purpose is to undermine the planet's defences and make it easier for invasion.'

'Oh.' Artemis said, rather lamely. I would too but I would never admit that. 'So why act now? Why show themselves at all?'

'That's a good question.' I said, looking down the hole. 'But we can't afford to theorize now. We have to wipe out this nest.'

'I'll call the Justice League.' She repeated.

'I suppose I cannot stop you from doing so.' I said, sighing. 'I'll alert Amberley.' I quickly amended my statement. 'Do not alert the Team.'

'Why not?' Artemis challenged. 'They deserve to know.'

'They aren't ready.' I explained. 'Not yet.'

'What do you mean, not ready?' She dared, pressing up against me. 'We already got a few missions under our belt.' Before I could riposte, my palms were tingling, as was my own hiver's instinct. I whipped around, leveling my sidearm and opened fire which was followed by a shrill, inhuman scream. The section returned! Their ambush had fallen short, but there were more of them and they all had better guns. If I stood there, I would die. If I used Artemis as a human shield, Paula might blame me and then I would die. With no other recourse, there was only one option left before me.

'Charge!' I bellowed instinctively, unsheathing my sword. To my surprise, instead of just shooting my idiot self, they just stood still in absolute shock. As if they couldn't believe what I was doing–neither could I–for so long as I ran through the one that was the most inhuman. Fortunately for me, he must have been the section leader, as it got the whole lot of them to clutch their heads and scream. Enough for me to pull the blade out and hack-and-slash haphazardly while Artemis supported me with arrows embedding into their bodies. I ensured I put a bullet through each of their heads before returning to my replacement Jurgen.

'The Team isn't ready for this.' I stated, now having the proof laid out before me.

'Okay fine, but how will we explain to the League all of this?' She wondered, feeling a little fear run through her.

'Put the blame on me.' I waved off, putting on the airs of unconcerned boredom. 'I will explain everything that happened.'

'Y-You're a good guy Cain.' She said, eyes visibly softening before her forehead rested against my shoulder. Unconsciously, I patted her back, feeling a little wetness on said shoulder.


The following conversation with the Justice League leadership was not necessarily one I was looking forward to. Their strict adherence to the no-kill policy–while understandable given the circumstances–could not be applied in this case. With an enemy that were the genestealers, they would be chomping at the bit for a new enemy that they could throw at themselves to train against, and I just killed their new toy. Not even Black Canary, Wonder Woman, and John Stewart would be able to defend my actions.

'You just murdered twenty men and women.' Batman stated, not without a subtle hint of exhaustion creeping through him.

'I am unsure of the casualties.' I stated frankly. 'Nonetheless, the threat of the xenos infection was too great to consider live capture.'

'What do you mean?' Wonder Woman asked, shutting down any counter-argument from the other side. I must thank her later.

'The genestealers are an infection.' I stated, as if giving a lecture to my students at the Schola. 'When it takes hold of its target, it will warp and corrupt the mind to serve its Tyranid masters.' I shook my head, shifting my face to look piteous. 'The personality, the traits that would seem human are a mere facade. The host themselves may believe it is genuine, but as I stated before, it is just a mask for the Tyranids.'

'Can you not cure them?' Captain Marvel wondered. 'I mean, if it's an infection, why kill them? Surely you can just heal them–'

'Wait, before that.' The Flash said, cutting him off. 'Genestealers? What, they steal genes?'

'I am not lying when I say that the infection corrupts.' I said, surprised the Narcissist was supporting me. 'They rewrite the genetic code of the human genes.'

'Ah, so you really can't cure them.' Flash sighed, shaking his head.

'What do you mean?' Superman said, blinking. 'I'm sure the scientists at Star Labs could help. Doctor Hamilton's pretty good at-'

'You don't understand Superman.' Flash said, leaning into the table. 'This is like a viral infection. These genestealers implant their genes into the host, and warp it to make more viruses. Our human body just kills them off because we can't revert the change. It's something every scientist would say." He looks at me. 'That's why the Commissar killed them. There was no saving the human.'

'It is a saddening responsibility that is put to one of my station.' I sighed, tipping my hat down. 'Those of the Officio Prefectus, my office, has trained us to look out for these sort of things.'

'Be that as it may.' Batman said, looking to me. 'You were fortunate enough that the blood on your uniform and sword was kept only to the GCPD. If the public started to see a Justice League affiliate start killing civilians, there would be a UN inquiry.' In other words, stop causing trouble for me. A respectable attitude to have, and I can't help but feel empathy for Batman. He doesn't have a Jurgen to assist him. Frakking Robin for not being a proper batman to Batman*203. 'For now, I am vote to put the Commissar on probation.'

I cannot fault him for suggesting it. It appears I have been giving him some more paperwork than necessary and it was the most logical thing to do. 'I would second the notion.' I said, nodding my head. 'I have already caused some trouble for you.' The glare I was getting from Batman already told me what I suspected. "You're frakking right, you caused me trouble, you insufferable git." At least, I suspect*204.

'Vote in motion.' Batman began, standing up. 'All in favour?' All hands raised. 'The vote has been casted. Commissar Ciaphas Cain, until further notice, you are prohibited from further heroism.' I nodded and took my leave, out the room, and sighing. Finally*205!

'Cain!' Artemis called, jogging up to me. 'What did they say?'

'The Justice League deemed it necessary to put me under probation for the time being.' I said readily. 'You will not be held responsible in any way.' It took a long time*206 for them to agree to drop the matter with Artemis.

'Thanks Cain.' She said, rubbing her arm. Nervous tick I guess. 'I can't help but feel like I owe you again.'

'Think nothing of it.' I replied, smiling. 'But if you so insist, I do really wish to have the dessert preparation that your mother had made.'

'Seriously?' My replacement Jurgen snickered, before turning into laughter. 'Wow, milkshakes really do bring all the boys to the yard.' A planetary colloquialism? I wonder what that means? 'Seriously, stop hitting on my mom.'

'I beg your pardon?!' I couldn't hide my indigent sputter, earning more (jovial, hopefully*207) laughter from her. "I'm not!'

'Oh lighten up Cain.' She chuckled, slapping my back. 'I'm only teasing.' I sighed, slumping forward, getting more laughter.

'You two seem to be having fun.' Green Arrow interrupted, and we were back at parade rest (or at least, I was). 'Calm down kids, calm down. I'm just glad you guys are having some fun.' He turns to me. 'How you feeling Cain?'

'No more different than usual.' I readily lied. I was ecstatic! Finally, more rest. 'While I am sure I had disappointed the League, but I stand by what I had done.'

'Knowing what we know now?' He sighed. 'It's understandable. We don't approve because of the "no kill" rule but we get it. For now, just sit back and relax while we try to sort some things out.'

'I'll endeavour to not give you any more problems.' I said, tipping the brim of my hat.

'Sure.' Green Arrow said. 'By the way, we are asking you to stick to Gotham for now.'

'Why not Winter Flats?' I wondered, confused. Not that I was complaining, of course. ''That is my base-of-operations.'

'I'm guessing it was a compromise with the GCPD.' Green Arrow replied. 'The Commissioner requested your presence. GCPD's paranoid of any other alien guests in the city and want you along to consult.'

'And I assume Batman agreed?' I guessed. It seemed reasonable since he might want to keep a closer eye on me.

'No.' Green Arrow said, smirking. 'He actually wanted you as far away from the city as possible.' He leaned in. 'Between you and me, he thinks you are a bad luck charm.' Fair enough, I had some rotten luck every time and again.

'How bad could it be?' I carelessly said, smiling.


Oh how wrong I was. I had to change out my uniform for the blue ones of the GCPD and I'm traveling along with Replacement Jurgen No.2. In other words, Detective Harvey Bullock. Worse, I still haven't savoured the fabled milkshake that Artemis has spoken of. Suffice to say, the groxburger was pretty good, though why we were eating in the automobile rather than at a proper table is beyond me. Nonetheless, it wasn't so bad. Then again, we were stuck with that female pointed-eared xenos.

'Oi.' She grumbled, sticking her head between the driver's and passenger's seat. 'Humie.' Oh by the God-Emperor, are all the xenos part Ork*208?! What are you doing here?'

'I'm on probation.' I readily supplied, leaning back. 'What are you doing here?'

'I'm grounded.' She grumbled. 'Stupid daddy. Stupid Commissioner.' She glares at Harvey. 'Stupid fatty.'

'Don't make me come over there!' Harvey barked, glaring at her.

'Just try it!' She dared. 'I bet you can't even fit in here!'

"Why I oughta-' He snarled, reaching in before I stopped him.

'Alright, alright let's just calm down.' I groaned, feeling a sudden migraine in my forehead. This is starting to feel more like a punishment rather than the easy going vacation I dreamt*209. 'Let's just try to stand each other a bit longer before we kill each other.'

'Fine.' Harvey grumbled, throwing out the groxburger bag through my window and into the trash. It was rather impressive.

'Anyways, while your dad and Gordon are done house shopping, you two are sticking with me.' Hooray. 'So relax.' Then there was a sudden buzz from the voxcaster.

All units, a 211 in progress and shots fired at Jersey Bank, 1415 West Third Street. Unit to handle identify, Code Three.

'211?' I asked, looking at Harvey.

'Bank Robbery.' He groaned. 'Shit, we're closest. We'll take it.' He picked up the vox and called. '14 Adam calling KGPL. We'll handle the 211.'

Roger that 14 Adam. Be advised: suspects are armed and dangerous. No frak.

'Roger KGPL." Harvey said, whipping the automobile just as violently as Jurgen. '14 Adam en route.' Like Jurgen, he was rushing through the roads with little regard for traffic codes. Is he related to Jurgen*210?! 'Okay kid, you stay behind me.' No problem, you're a bigger target. Then we heard rummaging from behind. I looked and saw Rebba changing out of her casuals for the blue uniform.

'The hell you doing kid?!' Harvey roared, nearly avoiding hitting a school bus of screaming kids (and driver).

'No way I'm keeping out of this Fatty.' The xenos grumbled. 'I'm joining in.'

'You got no badge kid!' He grumbled, following behind other police vehicles.

'Someone's got to save your skin.' She hissed, finally buttoning up her body armour and putting her cap on.

'Just stick behind him.' I said, trying my best to put some levity to the situation.

'Me and my big mouth.' Harvey grunted, slamming on the breaks and skidding the vehicle to a stop. Arbites were already exchanging fire with the gangers, and stubbers were aimed at us. I dived into the back seat, colliding heads with the xenos as we hit the floor of the vehicle. It was only due to the Detective opening the door for us that we could crawl out. He gave me and the xenos sidearms while he had a shotgun.

'Stick behind me kid.' He reminded, and we joined other arbites behind their vehicles, all while I tried to keep my head down as much as possible.

'Heya Harv.' A brown skinned woman greeted, taking several potshots. 'What a day, eh?' She then spotted me and the xenos. 'Who're they?'

'Montoya.' He returned the curt greeting, firing a shot. 'This is Cain and Rebba. They were in the area.' I gave a polite smile, firing several shots. To my surprise, it caught one, whom proceeded to whip around and fire into the bank ceiling and rained glass over his friend's head.

'Nice shot kid.' Montoya smirked. 'They taught you that at the Academy?'

'Lucky shot.' I admitted, taking cover as gunfire rained above me. I saw the xenos rapidly fire as fast as she could, and even forced the ganger's head just enough for the more heavily armed arbites to get in closer. To my dismay, they recovered quickly and forced them back.

'Shit!' Montoya hissed. "Hold fire!' I peered up and saw the gangers taking hostages.

'God damn it.' Harvey said, seeming to agree with her. 'Hostages. Frickin' hostages.'

'So what now?' I asked, turning to them.

'What else?' Replacement Jurgen No.2 grumbled. 'We're going into a siege.' Oh, just bloody fantastic. Of course my luck would turn out like this. I won't be able to go to Paula's home to get those milkshakes. That has got to change.

'Hey. Detectives.' A GCPD arbites crawled up to them. 'We may need to call in the Army.'

'Why?' Montoya demanded, and I leaned in and felt my heart drop.

'Call them.' I said, my voice matching my personal feelings. 'And we have to rush in now.'

'What?!' Montoya shouted, glaring at me. 'Are you crazy?'

'If we don't, the hostages might die.' I reasoned. 'If we do, the hostages will certainly die. We have to go in.'

'Yeah, I'm calling the Commish.' Harvey said, agreeing with me.

'What are they?' Rebba asked, looking profoundly disgusted.

'They is an apt description.' I agreed, staring at the three armed freak from the video recording within the bank. 'Oh no.'

'What is it?' Montoya asked, spotting the concern in my eye.

'It's one of the hostages.' I admitted, looking at her. 'I know her.'

'Who?' She wondered. I simply pointed my finger at her, the woman in the wheelchair.

≡][≡

Editorial Note:

As troublesome as it is to use proto-Jenit Sulla's notes, he provides more insight to the events of this situation rather than the eyewitness reports and mass-media recordings. Who would have guessed the US Government would be so effective in cover-up operations? Then again, with a woman as formidable as one Amanda Waller, it comes to no surprise that she could get what she wants, whenever she wants. She'd be a good inquisitor. It is only just a shame I must refer to his notes to provide the background, since Cain has never been interested in anything outside of himself. I must apologize for displaying this utter Genocide on the Gothic Language to you. Emperor, please forgive me.

Excerpts from Mah Journal, by Conrad Sullivan, September 8th, 2010

The Siege of Jersey Bank was, like, the most intense thing anyone could ever see. It was like, 9/11 times 2*211. It was just a quiet day y'know. It was a quiet day and people were laughing. Kids were being kids. And everybody was totally chill dude. Then these assholes rolled up in a stupid white van. They were, like, wearing ski masks and totally marching out as if they were hot shit or something. Fucking douches dude. They got big machine guns and were just pushing everybody aside before they got into that bank. They didn't care, they were just being huge assholes and strolling around like and shitting on everybody.

So people were like, 'oh no, please stop it.' and they were all like 'oh fuck you bitch. Here let me-[REDACTED, BY ORDER OF HIS HOLY INQUISITION, INQUISITOR AMBERLEY VAIL - ORDO XENOS]*212

'Mwuhahahahahahaha' The lead asshole laughed a cruel, horrifying laugh as his cronies were also laughing and were finishing up their-[REDACTED, BY ORDER OF HIS HOLY INQUISITION, INQUISITOR AMBERLEY VAIL - ORDO XENOS].

'Oh shit bruh.' The Alien freak shouted, bald as fuck that only a mother could love…if only he had a mother that could love him (ha, got 'im!). 'It's 4-0. They're coming for us!'

'Don't worry mah bruvas!' The lead asshole shouted, trying to sound cool but really wasn't. 'We got guns! Let's go shit on those dick's day!' And they were all like, totally excited and started blasting the cops. And the cops were all like, 'oh no, they got guns!' but the lead cop, I think his name was Howard Branden or something, was like 'idiots, we got guns too!' and there was this big shootout. Cops were blasting, the Assholes were blasting, and the people inside the bank were, like, huddling behind counters or something. And then came in Commissar Ciaphas Cain, HERO OF GOTHAM CITY*213.

He, and his lackeys, arrived on the scene and those assholes must have sensed it with there*214 freaky-deaky psychic powers and were like, 'Oh shit, it's Cain! We gotta blast him!' The then they were just shooting at the car, but Ciaphas was so cool that he jumped into the back like Bruce Willis and the fatty with the stupid fedora opened the door for him and he just marched on out, head held high, and was like 'come at me bro!'*215. When they reached the others, think her name was Renee Montoya, Ciaphas just stood up (like a boss) and shot out the fucking glass ceiling with a single shot. And those dicks were like 'Oh noes, we're distracted!'

Unfortunately*216, those stupid pigs just upped and ran because the Assholes started shooting again. Then Head Asshole decided to take hostages and the cops were in a standoff where the assholes were holding up and the cops were holding on as they surround the bank and can't move because they are too pussy to go in and ruin they're*217 shit*218. Lucky for the pigs, Ciaphas Cain was there to wreck some alien SHIT! And his next plan was totes awesome and totally worth studying in, like, military school or some shit. I totes remember him saying how this was Amberley's fault for not cleaning up properly*219. And I totally agree with him because Ciaphas Cain is the best and I love him! But I also love Amberley, so I'm not totes gay*220.

—FOOTNOTES—

192. In her own admissions, she was panicking.

193. It's actually a AA-12 shotgun equipped with explosive shot. Not to worry, he'll figure it out soon enough.

194. If you had ever fired a bolt pistol Cain, you would know the sheer exhilaration that comes from seeing your enemy fall before you in gibs, especially when they wear body armour!

195. Her "assets" were not fake, I checked.

196. There it is. Honestly Cain, the calibre's all wrong and you haven't blasted your bloody arm out of its socket.

197. Oh, I'm sorry? Do I need to clean up after you Ciaphas?

198. I think everyone, including myself, would like to know where you live Cain. I mean, do you know about the many forums that theorise you birth planet. Or the many such worlds that claim they are the home of Ciaphas Cain.

199. Who? How many? Names Cain! Give me their names!

200. Fortunately for him, he had lost such ambitions as soon as he met me.

201. In an Imperial Guard infantry section, it consists of twenty soldiers led by a corporal as the section commander.

202. Paula? First name basis now Ciaphas?

203. That would be one Alfred Pennyworth, who would rather be not involved in, and I quote, "This whole Justice League nonsense." Charming fellow, by the way.

204. He suspected correctly.

205. Finally? It was only twenty minutes.

206. Again, it was only twenty minutes.

207. Hope is but the first step to disappointment~

208. They aren't part-Ork, I checked.

209. When Batman learnt you were partnering up with Harvey, he readily agreed with your "house arrest" in Gotham.

210. I'm still investigating that.

211. No idea what that's supposed to mean. All I got on my search results was some uncircumstantial destruction of two towers. Apparently it was supposed to be quite astonishing and these Americans are still remembering it. Honestly, don't they have anything more productive to talk about?

212. This never happened, by the way.

213. I have no idea why he writes it that way. This will also change frequently, as you will see in future.

214. Wrong 'there'. It's possessive, therefore it must be 'their'.

215. Another bottle of Amasec, please. [There is no more Amasec, Milady Inquisitor] Then find some before I declare exterminatus on this world! [Yes Milady!]. God-Emperor…Preserve my soul.

216. Oh wow, he picked up a dictionary. [We found some more Amasec, Milady] Good.

217. Frakking again?!

218. I think he means "a siege". God-Emperor, smite this man already!

219. Oh, it's my fault? Well I do apologize, Ciaphas, but I was busy CLEANING UP THE CHINESE METRO OF GENESTEALERS!

220. Just…I just…Oh God-Emperor…please let this insufferable pain end [Inquisitorial headsmashing innocent table] Please..let it end. [INQUISITOR! OH God-Emperor, somebody call a Hospitalier before we get executed!]


Author's note from Real Author

A little less than my usual but I hope it's worth the wait. I've been a bit busy and I only found this time to write a little bit. Apologies if it is less than satisfactory.