Crumple-Horned Plot Bunnies

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: Harry Potter isn't mine. It's owned by JK Rowling and Time Warner. Not me. Please don't sue.


Draco Malfoy considered it a skill of his to sneak around unnoticed-Particularly by Potter and his Mudblood. As he followed them, he complimented his excellent stealth-Father had said those ballet lessons were a waste of money, but who was able to get late night snacks without being overheard by Mummy?

Certainly not his father, ha!

"I'm telling you Harry, this just isn't the proper way to go about it," Granger was insisting as the two walked out of the library. "Just for Ron?"

"Well, we really do need him to get better about this," Harry said. "After all, he'll appreciate it loads more than we will..."

"Oh really?" Granger asked, arching an eyebrow in a way that was rather sexy to Draco. Maybe he'd get her for his own after the Dark Lord took over the world. Maybe stick her in a librarian outfit, oh yes... With glasses, that'd be even better...

"Really... After all, he needs all the help he can get with, well... You know," Potter broke Draco's erotic musings about turning Granger into his kinky sex pet; something that added to his ire against him but simultaneously intrigued the young Malfoy heir. Helping Weasley out? With what?

"The ritual is rather complex," the Mudblood pointed out, worrying her teeth against her lower lip. Draco found himself back in fantasy land-Sweet Merlin, did everything this girl do seem naughty? Maybe he just had a fetish for bookish girls-Greengrass and her sister were both able to confuse the hell out of him when reciting history or potions theory and his confusion immediately led to lust. Saying such big words so easily...

"So? I think he'd appreciate it... I mean, it's supposed to increase his power by ten times," Potter replied quietly. His eyes cast about the corridor, and Draco hugged the wall. His dark robes helped him blend in-Though they could afford to be less voluminous. He felt like he made such a racket when he moved about.

"Ten times is the most optimistic assessment," Granger huffed. "Twice... Maybe three times..."

"Oh come on... You can make it go ten times, right?" Potter said with a teasing grin. Granger smiled wryly.

"I'm a witch, not a miracle worker..." She pulled out some parchment. "Won't take too long... He might hate us afterwards, you know."

"He'll forgive us... Eventually..." At Granger's pointed look (which made Malfoy again think of his librarian fantasy), Potter shrugged.

"I'll get him a cake... The house elves would love to make one..."

"Honestly Harry, why must you add to their workload?"

"Come on Hermione, we've been over this... It isn't fair but Dobby isn't the average... That, or he bonded to me."

"Magic can be so cruel sometimes," Granger sighed. She turned, and a piece of parchment floated out of her grasp and landed soundlessly on the floor as the two Gryffindors walked away.

Draco waited until he was sure they were gone, and ran up to take the parchment up. His eyes widened and he quickly digested the instructions. Unless he was mistaken, this was the very ritual they were talking about... And at least a doubling of his magical power?! Oh yes... Potter was going to rue the day he interrupted his fantasies about Granger-Er, the day he was born. Yes, born.

He looked over the ingredients and the instructions. None of this was difficult to obtain... Though he'd have to make the "mystic dial of fate" himself.

Oh well... It was worth it for the chance to wipe the smirk off Potter's face, and prove himself to the Dark Lord. Oh yes... First thing he'd request? Granger's life, and a set of costumes. He had so many ideas...!


The next morning, Draco Malfoy turned lots of heads as he exited the Slytherin Common Room. He returned their stares with a proud smirk-The fools could never suspect that this was merely the prelude to his ascendancy! His power would be great, his foes would fall, he'd finally get that blasted Mudblood for a pet!

Entering the Great Hall, he casually strode out to the center of the room, and produced several different colored pieces of chalk. He'd memorized the instructions and went about drawing the required ritualistic symbols and runes.

"Mr. Malfoy, what exactly are you doing?" Professor McGonnagal asked in her usual stern tone. The Malfoy scion looked up innocently at the Gryffindor head of house.

"I'm doing a special project," he said coolly. He handed over a piece of parchment. "My father has authorized it's execution, and so has Professor Snape."

Indeed, Snape was giving Malfoy an approving expression... Dare he say it, almost amused! Yes, surely he recognized the worth of Draco's endeavors.

"How long will it take you to accomplish this ritual?" McGonnagal asked wryly. Draco snorted.

"Not too long..."

"... Very well... Continue, Mr. Malfoy," McGonnagal replied, her lips twitching. Draco heard some snickers and laughter, but ignored them all. His day had come! Victory would soon be his!

"What the...? Malfoy, what are you doing?"

"Ah, Weasel... So nice to see you," Draco sneered as Ron approached. "You can't possibly comprehend my genius, so I won't bother."

Ron blinked slowly, and then nodded. "Uh huh... Sure..."

He was almost done... And there was Potter and his Mudblood now! Scribbling out the last bit for the ritualistic lines, Draco brought himself up to this full height and sneered back at them.

"Potter, Granger..."

"Malfoy... What are you doing?" Harry asked flatly.

"I really should be thanking you, Potter," Draco sneered. "Without you and your little Mudblood, this wouldn't be possible!"

"Oh no," Granger gasped. "Not that ritual!"

"Yes! Thought you were so clever, huh Granger?" Draco sneered. "Soon as I finish this up, I'm showing you who really has the power in this school!"

"Professor, you can't honestly tell me you're going to let this go on!" Granger protested. McGonnagal's lip twitched again.

"I'm afraid it's out of my hands, Granger..."

"Surely there's something you can do!" Potter demanded. The teacher shook her head.

"He has a note from his father..."

"HA! Now... Here we go!" Draco laughed. He pulled out the "mystic dial of fate" from his robes, and set it on the flood. He leaned down, and spun it once. It spun around and around, until finally... It settled on a color and a body part.

"Right hand RED!" Draco called. He placed his hand down on the appropriate circle, and spun the dial once more. "Left foot GREEN!"

The Muggleborn students laughed as Draco proceeded to play Twister, calling out the various colored circles for himself and eventually ending up in a most uncomfortable position.

"Malfoy... Tell me... Did you do the 'Stretches of Virtue' for the ritual?" Granger asked.

"Haa... Haa... Th-The what?" Draco demanded. His feet were on opposite ends of the ritualistic circle plot, and his arms were twisted around his neck and waist as he struggled to stay on the circles.

"Yeah... There were several stretches you had to do first," Potter added. Draco growled.

"N-No way... It's a trick... Ack! Erk!" He tried to move to spin the dial again, but he had succeeded in twisting himself into a kind of pretzel. "ERK-GAH!"

Draco fell over, and great peals of laughter filled the Great Hall. Draco glared daggers at Potter and Granger, who laughed themselves.

"Oi, Malfoy, shove over!" Weasley joined them. "It's my turn!"

"Did you do the Stretches of Virtue, Ron?" Granger asked. The redheaded twit nodded enthusiastically.

"Yeah!"

"Then go ahead."

"Hey wait a second Granger! This is my ritualistic circle!" Draco growled.

"If you'd read the full instructions, Malfoy, you'd know the ritual requires more than one person to be fully effective," Potter said. He smirked. "But you have to begin again... From the start."

Damnit... This wasn't going at all as planned! He just needed to last for fifty spins of the Mystic Dial of Fate-How was he going to get ultimate power now?

"Of course, according to Milton's Theorem of Contrasting Auras, you could both do it at the same time and it would make you both much more powerful," Granger said.

"Is that what you and Harry were doing last night on Harry's bed, Hermione?" Weasley asked. Potter coughed and Granger blushed slightly, though Draco missed both of these due to his position on the floor.

"Ah, yes... Yes it was," Potter replied.

"To hell with the Weasel! I will not-!"

"Mr. Malfoy! If you are going to perform this ritual on the floor of the Great Hall in front of all of us, you may as well share the benefits with others... Besides, you have some stretches to do," McGonnagal ordered. Draco looked over at Snape at the teacher's table, who merely nodded. Malfoy scowled. The only way to keep Weasel from getting the power boost was to sabotage him at every stage... All right then. He'd just have to outplay him, knock him over, and then later tonight he could perform the ritual in peace... No wait. It had to be done at 8 am... Bugger.

Well, he wasn't going to let Weasley beat him, so... The ritual it was. Not that he'd make it easy for Weasley, no!

"Very well... Try to keep up, Weasel!"

"Ha! I can't wait to see your fave when I gain the ultimate power of the Hot Spot!"


Harry and Hermione watched as more students (a mix of all four Houses and various bloods) tried to get in on the "Power Boosting Ritual". Draco and Ron were still going strong after an hour, and it was little surprise several girls began to watch in glee... Especially when the shirts were lost.

"It's going off even better than I'd planned," Hermione murmured. Harry nodded, resisting the urge to laugh his head off as Ron tripped Draco and both boys slammed into a Ravenclaw girl and a Hufflepuff boy who were both holding their own in the twisted bodies. More than a few witches were now openly drooling.

"Still... These rituals... Not very in-character for you, Hermione," Harry said.

"Oh, and they are for you?" Hermione teased back. The Boy-Who-Was-Hyphenated grinned.

"Well... You said I needed stress relief..."

"And I'm not enough?" Hermione asked, her voice ending in a dangerous (but sexy) purr. Harry smirked, wrapped an arm around her waist, and pulled her close.

"More than enough," Harry hissed in her ear, and he enjoyed the resulting shiver. "But that's... A lot more than just stress relief... This?" He gestured to the growing "ritual". "This is just for fun."

Hermione smiled, and kissed his cheek. "Mmhm..." She looked out over the crowd, and a wicked smile came over her lips. Harry wasn't the only one to benefit from "stress relief."

"What do you think we can get them to do next?" She mused.

Harry grinned. "Let's find out."