Crumple-Horned Plot Bunnies

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: Harry Potter isn't mine. It's owned by JK Rowling and Time Warner. Not me. Please don't sue.


"So, you're telling me a house elf was stealing your letters and wants you to avoid going back to Hogwarts?" Ron asked, his ever-present camera running. Harry nodded, more than able to tolerate Ron's filming after he rescued him from the Dursleys.

"Yeah... Name of Dobby..."

"Any idea who his owner might be?" Ron inquired further.

"No," Harry said with a frown.

"So, we've got ourselves a mystery," Ron grinned. "This is great! Horrible danger waiting for you at school, a cryptic warning-This'll be a fantastic film!"

"Ron, does it occur to you that you'll be in the middle of the danger too?" Harry asked flatly. Ron shrugged.

"If Muggle filmmakers can cover zombie plagues and alien invasions, then I can handle some kind of vague, ominous threat."

"Ron, most of those movies aren't real events," Harry emphasized.

"Oh come on, Harry, that's just a result of the Muggles covering it all up!" Ron scoffed.

"How would they cover it up, Ron?" Harry asked.

"Simple. By making movies out of the events and making sure that in the popular imagination, they are pure fantasy," Ron said.

"And films that take place in the future?" Harry asked flatly. Ron shrugged.

"Well, that's speculative, but so what? If aliens have already invaded then why not think we'll see aliens in the future?"

Harry blinked, and worked out Ron's reasoning for himself. He felt a headache coming on.

"At least that's how Luna explains it, and she's never steered me wrong before," Ron said with a grin. "By the way, I released our movie over the summer."

"Wait, released it? To who? Where?" Harry asked with wide eyes.

"Oh, the local Muggle distributor. They think I have a lot of promise! It's even going to an Indy film festival, can you believe it? This'll be great!" Ron cheered.

"I... Can't wait," Harry mumbled.


"Wh-What do you mean I'm terrible?! I'm the best looking!" Draco whined. Ron sighed and rubbed his forehead.

"Draco, man, you're just too... Well..."

"Pathetic," Luna offered bluntly. The Malfoy heir scowled.

"What?!"

"Well, let's face it Draco," Ron began, "you torment Harry constantly. Your idea of rivalry is to just insult him, try and beat him on the Quidditch pitch, get him in trouble, and when you fail, you run off to daddy." Ron shook his head. "You just don't make a really great rival."

"But-But I can get better! Really!" Draco insisted. Acting had a great appeal to the young Malfoy, given that it showed off how handsome and good looking he was to everyone!

"At this rate Draco, you're just so very, ya know, two-dimensional," Ron said.

"Come on Weasley, give me another chance! I'll get better, you'll see, loads better! Don't you need a rival for Potter? Who else would you get?" Draco asked. Ron thought about it, but Luna answered.

"Blaise Zabini," she said.

"Zabini?!" Draco growled. "What's he got that I don't?!"

"He is handsome, charming, intelligent, crafty, and cunning," Luna said. "With a bit of convincing he could become a true rival to Harry."

"Or maybe Daphne Greengrass," Ron said.

"Rivalry turned to romance," Luna suggested.

"I like it!" Ron grinned. "I like it a lot!"

"No! No! Please Weasley, don't!" Draco begged, all pride forgotten. Seeing how Potter had gotten so much more fame after the movie (and how he'd gotten quite a bit of attention himself), he knew he had to stay in it. "I-I can totally get better! Really! I'm willing to put in the time and effort!"

Ron considered Draco for a moment, then looked at Luna. Luna hummed.

"Well... If he became Harry's rival... Truly his rival by pushing himself to do better in school, in dueling, and in Quidditch..."

"Yeah, yeah?" Draco asked.

"And you stopped acting like a pathetic nancy boy and used a little real cunning," Ron continued the train of thought.

"What about having a crush on Hermione? That he can only express through insults?" Luna suggested. Ron grinned.

"Oooh... I love it! Real Romeo and Juliet thing!"

"Granger?" Draco asked, a bit disgusted. At Ron's glare, Draco nodded.

"Er, sure! I can totally do that!"

Luna handed him a stack of manga. "Read these. The cool, cold, brooding rival is the guy you should focus on. Think about how he acts, his motivations, and think about how it would apply to your own performance."

"R-Right... Thanks Weasley, Lovegood!" Draco ran off. Ron looked over at his partner in crime with a grin.

"Well, that'll get him off Harry's back, anyway..."

"True... The fangirls will insist there's some sort of UST between him and Malfoy though," Luna pointed out. Ron grumbled.

"When don't they?"

"And Hermione will be annoyed," Luna also said.

"The price you pay to make a masterpiece," Ron said. "Now, who's next?"


Year Four

"Dear Director,
Sorry about the hand writing, it's hard to maintain legibility when you're possessing a snake. Anyways, I'm not sure if you're aware of this but the Triwizard Tournament is coming up and I was wondering...."

Ron read the letter once. He read it twice. He scratched his head.

"Luna? Does this plot make any sense to you? I mean, he'd have a polyjuiced Deatheater here, the whole year, teaching us actual things that are useful, and only sending Harry to Voldemort at the end of it?"

Luna thought it over. "Well, if he handed Harry over right at the start then we'd have to fill out the rest of the year with unimportant boring things. Voldemort coming back to life makes for a very good dramatic climax."

"Yeah, but come on, this is so stupid," Ron grumbled. "It's a plot hole a mile wide."

"Perhaps if we made it that the ritual to ressurrect Voldemort needs to be done at a certain time of year, and he only learned of it now, it would work?" Luna suggested.

"Hrmmm... Maybe," Ron thought aloud. "I still don't like it."

"Well, if the Triwizard Tournament is going on, it only makes sense to put Harry into it," Luna suggested. "Every year someone tries to kill him. This is the best way to get him killed."

"You're right!" Ron said with a grin. "Okay! Let's write Voldemort back and let him know his plan is a go!"


"Um, shouldn't we stop this?" asked Cedric.

"Listen, who is the director here?" glared Ron.

"... Our Lord has changed since he was last with us," simply whispered Crabbe Sr.

Goyle Sr. nodded in agreement.

"Wormtail! I told you the lighting was supposed to be over there! Stop bleeding on the ground and fix it!"

"This is why I suggested he use Union Workers," sighed Luna.

Ron nodded. "Scabs never have the same professionalism."

"Now then Harry, you have been taught to duel, have you not? We are to bow to eachother, as custom dictates," Voldemort hissed. He hid his smile as Weasley gave him a thumbs up-Yes, he was getting this thing down! Really, acting like some kind of mustache-twirling dork, as Lovegood had put it, really was pitiful. Why couldn't he have had someone like Weasley working with him during the first rise? His ideas were brilliant.

Play the Pureblood against eachother, then the Muggleborn, and sieze power with the ones who have actual merit! Brilliant! I'd finally get rid of Goyle, Crabbe, Malfoy, all of them useless...

"Bow, Harry..." He hissed. Harry's eyes narrowed.

"I... I won't!"

The Imperius Curse lashed out at Harry, but still the boy held firm.

"I WON'T!"

His Death Eaters looked affronted at this disrespect. Voldemort, for a moment, was tempted to sneer, but he caught Ronald's eye and maintained his cool. Remember, you are the badass Dark Lord. You show no fear, you do not let one little boy's defiance get to you. He is your equal, after all...

"Very well..." He lashed out with a Crucious Curse, which Harry dodged. Rather than return fire though, Harry leapt into the air, rising like a bird and flying right at Voldemort.

"HIYAH!" Harry cried, kicking the Dark Lord right in the face. He went down hard, and Harry landed, kicking and punching him furiously. "DIE! DIE! DIE!"

"OW! STOP IT! OWOWOWOW!"

"Cut!" Ron sighed. "Voldemort, what are you doing?"

"What am I doing?! What is he doing?" Voldemort hissed, after throwing Harry away with a bit of wandless magic. He slammed into a tombstone and grunted.

"Urk...!"

Ron rolled his eyes. "You read the script! You two fight, hand to hand, your magic lifting you and becoming an extension of your bodies!"

"I thought you meant that metaphorically! And I'm a wizard, why would I use kung fu?" Voldemort asked flatly.

"Because among your various studies included visits to East Asia, learning of the link between body and mind, and body and magic," Luna said. "Kung Fu is to become a force of nature yourself, and therefore, fight as an element of Life itself. Evil practioners twist Kung Fu into a weapon of Anti-Life."

"It's all perfectly symmetrical!" Ron enthused. Voldemort considered this. He had dabbled in some Eastern magic, naturally, but had not learned any martial arts. There was merit to the argument-Being able to kill a man with a wave of his hand certainly appealed to him. There was just one problem.

"I don't know any Kung Fu!" Voldemort protested.

Ron groaned. "Damnit...!"

"Harry, it's okay Harry, drink this," Hermione said, fussing over Harry as usual. Ron didn't mind it, but did she have to come along every time they filmed with Voldemort? It's as if she expected Harry to get hurt.

... Well okay he did get hurt, but nothing terribly bad.

"I had Harry going through Kung Fu courses all summer long and you didn't bother to learn too?" Ron asked in disbelief. Voldemort's red eyes narrowed.

"I didn't have much of a body until twenty minutes ago."

Ron paused. "Oh... Good point. How about we film this scene later then?"

"Later?!" Voldemort protested.

"Well you can't become a kung fu master in a few minutes now can you?"

"Legimens," Voldemort cast. Harry screamed.

"HEY! GAAHHHH!"

"There, done, I know kung fu, let's get on with it!" Voldemort said. Ron nodded and grinned.

"All right! Places!"

"Ron, let Harry rest! He's very-!"

"We're burning night!"

"He needs his-"

"Every moment is-!"

Ron was blasted through a tree by a spell. Voldemort and his followers slowly looked at where their director now lay, and then slowly back at the furious Hermione, her wand crackling with power.

"We. Are. Taking. A. Break," she hissed.

"... Do as she says...!" Ron managed to gasp out, as he twitched in agony.

Voldemort slowly nodded. "Of course... WORMTAIL! Fix that light, will you? Merlin you're useless! Goyle, go to the local pub, get some food. Smoke if you've got 'em!"

His very confused followers headed off, while Voldemort himself reviewed the script quite some distance from the irate brunette. Not that he was afraid of her, of course not, but simply because the light was better here. Yes, that was it.

"... I have no clue what's going on," Cedric mumbled.

"Cedric, you're supposed to be dead," Luna gently reminded him.

"Oh, right."


Harry and Hermoine settled down somewhat close by each other but not so close as to break the well kept secret that they were secretly into each other. And by well kept it was really only those two thought it was still a secret they were together.

Anyways, apparently Ron has finished his most recent film including Harry and was now doing a private showing for a close select few. He has refused to let them know what it was, just that he has decided to branch into a new area to see what he could do with it.

So it became a little worrisome when the title popped up as the film rolled reading "Harry Potter and the Unsatisfiable Sex Friend." Sure enough some cheesy porn music became playing as the camera zoomed in on an undressing pair of Harry and Hermoine as they explored one of the more likeable uses of a classroom in Hogwarts.

Harry was absolutely stunned as he slowly watched the actions that had taken place just a couple of days ago being replayed for him. Hermoine on the other hand, was pratically glowing red with anger with every second the movie played.

"Can I do amateur porn or can I do amateur porn!" Ron was quite proud of his achievement and was sticking his chin up in glory, hence making it a perfect target as Hermoine's fist slammed into it.


"Ron?"

"Yes, Luna."

"I know we can use these as filler for scenes and even advertisements for our movies. But was it really necessary to send Lord Voldemort to torture muggles?"

"Luna, remember, they have taken my dream, my vision ... and written gay fanfic about it.

"Besides, the other stars aren't complaining. Right Harry?"

"Right. See, Hermione! Snape sucks as a spy and a torturer! Make them bleed for writing Harry/Voldemort!"

"The Headmaster would be most disappointed in you, Potter," sneered the Professor.

"They also wrote James/Severus," offered Luna.

"... CRUCIO!" bellowed Snape.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Oh, such passion..." murmured Ron. "I love it when the actor delivers on the first take!"


Written with considerable help from Innortal, cjonbloodletter, and Takerial, who are all incredibly awesome.