Crumple-Horned Plot Bunnies
By Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: Harry Potter isn't mine. It's owned by JK Rowling and Time Warner. Not me. Please don't sue.
"I think you heard me the first time, sir. I'm leaving Hogwarts."
Dumbledore frowned, leaning back behind his desk. "Any particular reason why?"
"Several, actually. They're all on the scroll."
Dumbledore opened the scroll, twinkling eyes behind crescent-moon shaped spectacles widening and widening with every line. He finally looked up, his cheeks slightly pink.
"You... I mean... These are the reasons you are leaving Hogwarts?"
Luna Lovegoode nodded, dreamy blue eyes frighteningly serious.
"Yes. These are all grave, very grave failings in your school, Headmaster. I did consider a lawsuit, but my daddy decided against it. We've got our attorneys tied up battling for moogle thumper rights and trying to subpoena Minister Fudge for his heliopath army." Luna sighed. "My daddy only wants the best for me, but I cannot sacrifice his dream for mine!"
Starry eyed (which was saying something considering who she was talking to), Luna looked up at the ceiling, a fist clenched and raised to complete the drama of the moment.
"No... I shall have to keep at it, never giving into defeat! One day, I will seduce Harry Potter, and be the first wife in his harem!"
"... Ah... I see..." Dumbledore coughed. He smiled gently. "If I may ask though, Miss Lovegoode... How will you 'seduce' young Harry if you are going to a different school?"
Luna waved that off, dramatic pose forgotten.
"Oh, that. He's transferring with me."
"What?" Dumbledore asked, eyes wide again. Luna reached across the desk and pushed her scroll off a stack of parchments.
"His reasons for transferring are not my own, but I felt it best to get mine out of the way first. His are less important in the grand scheme of things: Lackluster teaching, constant endangerment, allegations of sexual harassment," Luna went on seriously, shaking her head. "Really, he has such odd ideas about priorities. Oh well, no matter. This will make my job easier, as the other girls I wanted for his harem are transferring too."
Dumbledore's mouth had been hanging open from the moment Luna began her explanation. He looked through the parchments, eyes no longer twinkling at just how many students were leaving with Harry.
"Well, if there is nothing further, I'll be going now. Oh! Might want to keep your mouth closed, Humdring Gabblers might fly in," Luna warned. With that she turned and headed out, whistling a tune from an old Muggle TV show. Dumbledore just blinked, before closing his mouth.
"Harry Potter? Please report to the headmaster's office," he croaked through an intercom spell. A pause.
"Sorry Headmaster, Harry is no longer here," a tinny voice reported back. Dumbledore groaned, and held a hand to his forehead.
"Just where did I go wrong?"
- - -
"So, all done then?" Harry asked, smiling broadly at Luna. The blonde smiled back and nodded.
"Yes. Easy enough really."
"Good work Luna. Thanks for buying time for us," Hermione added gratefully. Dressed in a black one-piece bathing suit and white button-up shirt, she relaxed on her beachtowel in the shade, reopening her book to find where she left off. Across the sands, Ron, his brothers and several former Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw boys flew on brooms, throwing a volleyball around and laughing merrily. Neville was swimming happily in the surf, a number of other former Hogwarts students cheering and swimming merrily. Harry looked over the members of the DA with an honest grin, and leaned back on his own beach towel.
"This, ladies, is a good day," Harry laughed.
"It's about to get even better," Luna said happily. Harry looked up at the smiling blonde curiously.
"Oh? How?"
In one smooth motion, Luna stripped off her robes, unveiling a very tight and thin blue bikini, on a fit, curvy if pale body. Harry gaped, face turning bright red. Luna stretched and smiled at him in a way that instantly tightened his pants.
"Because now, we don't have to put up with any more robes. I've heard that several American schools have nudist options," Luna replied dreamily. Harry gawked in disbelief... Before his brain processed what she'd said last and made him blush even harder.
"Right! Don't worry Harry, nudist beaches are a lot of fun, and we'll be with you every step of the way if you're uncomfortable," Hermione piped in with a wink. Harry coughed and stood up, shuffling away.
"Excuse me... I need, um... A shower. Yeah," he mumbled. Luna and Hermione watched him go, before exchanging grins.
"How long until he snaps, do you think?" Hermione asked the younger girl eagerly. Luna sat down on the beach towel, stretching cat like before she answered.
"Four days, maximum. Daphne and Tracy are already covering the shower, and Hanna and Susan should be out and about soon."
"All according to plan then," Hermione smiled. Luna smiled and nodded back.
"Yes, yes... Muahahahaha! Muahahahahaha!"
Hermione blinked, and awkwardly joined in the blonde girl's evil laughter as the gulls cried overhead and the waves crashed against the shore.
Just a bit of random silliness.
