Crumpled Horn Plot Bunnies

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Harry Potter or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.


Year 1...

"Heheheh," chuckled Filch, as Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley stood before the Forbidden Forest for a detention. Hagrid was alongside, looking grim.

The old Squib kept chuckling.

"This is more like it! Not chains and whips, but still a proper detention!"

"Uh, Hagrid?" Harry asked, "I'm pretty sure the Forbidden Forest is Forbidden. Because we'll die. So why are we doing detention in there?"

"Er... Well," Hagrid began, "cuz... Eadmaster Dumbledore says so?"

"This is ridiculous! I'm not going in there!" Draco whimpered.

"You know, I'm with Malfoy, this is ridiculous," Hermione said. She looked over at Draco. "Draco, your father's on the Board of Governors. Can't you talk to him about this kind of punishment?"

"Come on Malfoy!" Ron encouraged. "You don't wanna die, right? Neither do we!"

"Seriously Draco, this is the one time when saying 'Wait until my father hears about this,'" Harry said, in imitation of the blonde boy's often repeated statement, "would be useful."

Draco blinked.

"It would? Huh... It would!"

"C'mon, we gotta do this detention-" Hagrid said, but Harry shook his head.

"Sorry Hagrid. You're my friend and all, and I really appreciate it, but we're not doing this," he said. "I mean, would you give this kind of detention to a bunch of eleven year olds?"

"Eleven year olds helping you for what you did?" Hermione murmured. Hagrid winced, and nodded.

"Righ' then. Ah'll jest have yeh all scrub some cauldrons, all right? All right."

"Sounds good," Harry sighed in relief.

"Can I still tell my father about this?" Draco whined.

"Only if you put in that Hagrid realized this was a bad idea," Hermione said.

"And he could use a raise," Harry pointed out.

"OI! I WANT SOME BLOOD, DAMNIT!" Filch snarled.

"And Filch fired," Ron added.

"Done!" Draco said.


Early installment weirdness. So much.

In regards to last chapter: Yes Snape probably didn't know the prophecy meant the Potters, but my main point is that Snape asking for Lily to be spared as his sex slave is REALLY not tragic or romantic, but fucked up and creepy.