Crumpled Horn Plot Bunnies

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Harry Potter or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.


Halloween Night, Year Four


There was a moment of silence when a fourth name came out of the Goblet. Dumbledore caught it, his eyes widened.

"HARRY POTTER!" He shouted.

"OH WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BOLLOCKS?!" Harry shouted, shoving himself away from the table.

"H-Harry!" Hermione cried in shock and dismay. Ron's jaw was on the floor. In all honesty, the times Harry had gotten truly this angry were rare. Usually his anger was cold and terrible, but now he was just furious.

"Can't I have one Halloween, just one, where shit doesn't go wrong?!" Harry ranted. Professor Snape rose and glared.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor-"

"Oh fuck you, Snivelus!" Harry shot back at the Potions Professor, whose face turned white, "come at me like a man or with a Basilisk and maybe I'll give a shit! Otherwise, sit your greasy arse down!"

Snape grit his teeth and glared.

"Perhaps this is best discussed in private, Harry?" Dumbledore suggested.

"Fucking brilliant," Harry muttered.

They entered the meeting room with the other Champions.

"Zomezing vong?" Krum wanted to know.

Fleur asked "What iz it leetle fis?"

"Did you put your name in the Goblet?" Dumbledore demanded. He actually grabbed Harry and shook him by the shoulders.

"FUCK NO!" Harry shouted. He shoved Dumbledore away. "Like hell would I want to get in some bullshit tournament where I might die! I'm in danger enough at this fucking school!"

"Well, how'd it-?"

"Well fucking golly gee," Harry said sarcastically, surprising everyone with how disrespectfully he was talking to the Headmaster, "let's see... You put an Age Line around it. Did you put any spells around it that could have prevented someone, say someone serving a certain dickless dark git from dropping my name in there?!"

"I... Well..." Dumbledore frowned. "No."

Harry threw his hands up in the air.

"Fuck's sake!" Harry said in exasperation.

"But of corse he iz lying." Madam Maxine accused.

Fleur added "Sneaky leetle boy!" with a sneer.

"Va te faire enculer!" Harry shot back in French, making both French witches blush in outrage. He looked over at Dumbledore. "Listen: There has to be a way to get me out of this shite. What do I have to do to get disqualified?"

"Ah, well, the rules are actually rather archaic in their language," Dumbledore began.

"Don't dissemble, goddamnit! I actually like it better when you're fucking ranting and angry and shit," Harry growled. "Well, hang on."

Harry immediately grabbed the surprised Fleur, and pulled her into a messy snog. Her cries of outrage were muffled by Harry's mouth, and everyone there gaped in astonishment. Harry then dropped the quarter-Veela onto the floor, as he panted for breath. Fleur herself was bright red, and also trying to get air in her lungs.

"Okay! I just sexually assaulted a fellow champion!" Harry said happily. "Can I get out now?"

"Uh," Barty Crouch was quickly flipping through the rulebook, "well, actually, that's not a disqualifying offense-"

"Fuck," Harry said. He looked at Snape, who was at the back of the room. "Murder it is then."

"HARRY!" Dumbledore shouted angrily.

"What? I'd just kill Snape," Harry said with a shrug, "nobody would miss him!"

"Fifty points from-!"

"Eat a dick, Snivellus," Harry snorted.

"Professor Snape-"

"Knock that shite off! The joke's old!" Harry shot back. "I mean, I don't want to kill one of my fellow Champions-"

"You can try," Viktor Krum stated calmly. Harry looked at him with a demented smile. Cedric cringed as Viktor held his gaze.

"It'll be fun," Harry said cheerfully. Viktor actually laughed softly.

"I like you. First English Wizard I do."

"Huh. You're cool," Harry replied.

"Harry!" Dumbledore shouted, "you cannot get out of this Tournament! Not without losing your magic, or potentially your life!"

Harry looked over at Barty Crouch. Barty shrugged helplessly.

"Sorry Potter. Unless you want to commit suicide."

"Coming to this school is suicide," Harry grumbled. He shook his head. "Fuck. Look, isn't it fucking obvious this is some kind of evil scheme? I have basic pattern recognition skills by now!"

"How you mean?" Viktor asked.

"You-You leetle, I will," Fleur had gotten herself together and begun muttering angrily in French at Harry.

"First year, I literally burned a man to death with my bare hands," Harry said, "second year, I escaped a nest of Acromantulas and killed a Basilisk. Third year, had to fight a hundred Dementors. This? This is just more of the same bullshit."

"He's keeding, right?" Madame Maxine asked. All eyes were on Dumbledore. The headmaster sighed, and nodded.

"Mister Potter is not exaggerating in the slightest," Dumbledore stated, "though I do wish he had more sense of tact."

"Blame my upbringing," Harry said with a shrug. "Anyway, are you absolutely sure I can't be disqualified?"

"Ah, no," Barty Couch stated, "the Goblet actually creates a magical contract that cannot be broken until the conclusion, and cannot be interfered with by outside forces."

"What's the definition of interference?" Harry asked. Dumbledore's eyes widened in slow dawning horror, as Barty Crouch shrugged.

"Well, I suppose any interference in the readiness of the Champions. That would then be defined by the Champions themselves, and could result in severe penalties like loss of life or... magic..." Barty looked at the evil grin on Harry's face, and went pale. "Oh my."

"Snivellus! My dear buddy!" Harry said happily... But Snape was long gone. "Oh well, he can't escape from me," Harry said. "Later Headmaster, everyone. I'm off to make you regret everything!"

Harry practically skipped out the door. Fleur glared after him, still blushing deeply.

Viktor looked over at Cedric.

"This... Normal?"

"For him, yes," Cedric muttered.


I couldn't resist. Hell, most of HP fanfiction is wish fulfillment and outrage over how shit Harry gets treated...