Crumpled Horn Plot Bunnies
By Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Harry Potter or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.
This is an old, but great idea. And I wrote up some stuff for it with the help of my friends.
Salazar Slytherin was many things — sorcerer, necromancer, founder, alchemist…
Pity no-one realized that he authored the most comprehensive manuals on sexual and tantric magic in the known world. There's a reason why Lady Slytherin always had a goofy look on her face every day.
A millennium later, while under Umbridge's tyranny, Harry retreats to the Chamber of Secrets and, while exploring, finds Slytherin's library — and the books.
He brings them with him without knowing what they are and studies them.
Then he realizes what the books actually are...
"You have what?"
"I didn't realize what they were, Hermione!" Harry defended himself. "I thought they'd have something I could use agianst Voldemort!"
"Those are original books authored by a founder of Hogwarts, Harry! I don't care if it's his bad teenage poetry, let me see that!"
Harry gulped as Hermione grabbed the book from his hands.
"Wha- oh my. Is that, that can't be normal," Hermione said.
"Check the previous page," Harry said quietly.
Hermione flicked a page back, and looked confused. Then her eyebrows raised and she turned the book sideways. "Oh! I guess that would make it work. Wait, is this entire thing-"
"Yes."
"Oh."
There was a silence as Hermione scanned through several chapters quickly, before pausing. "That looks fun."
Harry blinked, and looked over her shoulder. "It does, doesn't it?"
Hermione blinked, and seemed to realize Harry was still there, and had heard her. She turned as red as a Weasley's hair.
"You, uh... want to go somewhere and find out?" Harry asked.
Hermione snapped the book shut. "Lets."
Pansy stared at Harry in disbelief. The last person she ever expected to show up and ask her for help was standing in front of her in the Library.
"You need what?"
Harry sighed.
"Did Salazar Slytherin write in a code? I've been reading a few of his journals and they are not making much sense."
Pansy's voice went monotone. "You have who's journals?"
Harry looked at her, as the rest of the Slytherin girls at the table stared at him intently.
"I have Salazar Slytherin's journals. I found them in his... Secret room in the Chamber of Secrets...and I found out why he called it the Chamber of Secrets... "
"You have found not only the journals of Salazar Slytherin but his Chamber of Secrets?" Daphne Greengass gasped.
"Yes?" Harry shrugged, " I found the Chamber in second year. Went looking through it for a way to survive the tournament. "
Pansy sighed, "Now you are making shit up."
"So where is the entrance then?" Millicent Bulstrode challenged.
"Myrtles bathroom. You need to be a Parselmouth to open it up," Harry said.
A smirk graced Pansy's face as she started using a Sunday School teacher tone of voice to condescend.
"And of course you know a Parselmouth."
"No," Harry smirked back, "I am a Parselmouth."
Pansy, Daphne, Millicent, and Tracey looked around the room: Mouths agape at what they were seeing.
Harry just sighed as he looked around. "I know...I know...it's..."
"This...this is incredible!" Daphne gasped.
"Would you look at that mirror?" Tracey enthused, "Is it enchanted and why is it on the ceiling?"
"OK the ball is odd but this carpet," Millicent sighed as she sat on the carpet, "Oh my this carpet is heavenly."
"A round bed?" Pansy hummed, "of course a founder's bed would be odd but still."
"Where are the places for candles or torches? How did he light this place up?" Daphne mused.
"Maybe that is what the ball is for?" Millicent suggested, "hit it with a Lumos spell."
Harry stared in horror.
"No, wait-!"
The spell hit and...music began to play as the bed started to slowly rotate. Harry dug in his memory for a name to the artist: Barry White, maybe?
Nearby an alcove opened up revealing a stripper pole, a bar, and a cabinet filled with... Many, many potions, and anatomically correct items.
All four girls stared at this, and then over at Harry.
"What? How is this my fault?"
"If only he was a Slytherin," Tracey sighed.
"Actually, the Hat said I'd do well in there, but after meeting Draco? I asked it to put me in Gryffindor," Harry quickly explained.
Millicent blinked, and then smiled seductively. While the girl was quite big, she wasn't unattractive. Rather Amazonian, actually.
Pansy had grown into her features since first year, and now was quite elegant and pretty-Like a pin up from the 1940s with her paige boy haircut.
Daphne of course was a blonde knock out, and Tracey was a pretty dark haired girl next door now that she wasn't sneering.
"So thanks to that little twat, the ideal Slytherin isn't in our house?" Millicent asked.
"Fucking Malfoy," Pansy growled. "Oh well... We can sort that out easily enough."
"Oh yes, I think so," Daphne smirked.
"Uh, how?" Harry asked. Millicent got up, and took Harry's hand. She pulled him over to the now rotating bed, and pushed him down onto it. The other Slytherin girls converged around him, smiling predatorily.
"Well, we might have a few ideas~," Daphne said, licking her lips seductively.
Harry's eyes widened. Only one thought was on his mind.
... Thank you Salazar Slytherin.
Just a bit of fun. Hope you enjoyed.
