Crumpled Horn Plot Bunnies

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Harry Potter or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.


This always bugged me...


Snape has been mortally wounded. Harry is holding him up in the Headmaster's office at Hogwarts. Harry looked down into his face, tears in Harry's eyes.

"Snape! Snape, don't die! I care for some reason!" He paused. "Probably those memories I just saw!"

"Please, Potter," Snape gasped, "Allow me to die staring into the eyes of the one I loved..."

Harry blinked. He blinked again.

"I-Pardon?!"

"Yes," Snape wheezed,"you see, I was in love with Lily. She was supposed to fall in love with me like a good Mudblood since we were childhood friends-I mean, I was the First! She should have fallen in love with me! That's how it works!"

Harry's jaw dropped.

"I'm sorry?!" Harry asked in disbelief.

"And James Potter stole her away from me!" Snape snarled, "with his athleticism and brilliance and damned sexiness! I told the Dark Lord to spare Lily when I told him where to find you and your father! So that she would be mine, at last!"

"...WHAT?!" Harry demanded. He felt like he was in a parallel universe where everything was upside down.

"It was a terrible mistake," Snape admitted, "I mean, he didn't save Lily as my sex slave. Or kill you. So I have devoted myself to preserving the last thing of Lily alive-You. By tormenting you for resembling your father, but keeping you alive for Lily's sake. Anyway, I think I've done my job properly and will not end up in Hell. You think you can think of me fondly after I die and name one of your children after me?"

Harry was silent for a long time. He then dropped Snape, and stood up.

"... Ya know what? Fuck you, fuck you, and most assuredly, fuck. You."

Snape gasped, from surprise and blood loss.

"Huh?!"

"Are you completely insane?!" Harry demanded, "FUCK. YOU."

"But-But I have memories-! Context-!" Snape tried, but Harry held up his hand.

"Yeah, don't care, fuck. You. Anyway, I'm going to go die now. I figured that part out, anyway. And I hope you burn in hell. FUCK. YOU."

Harry turned to head for the door. Snape groaned as he leaned back.

"Oh well... I still die as I lived: with a raging boner over Lily."

Harry spun back, his eyes wide.

"What the absolute fuck?!" Harry shouted.

"Always-! Hard! For Lily!" Snape cried.

Harry threw the pensieve at Snape, braining him and shutting him up.

"JUST DIE ALREADY!"


Because Incel!Snape is still funny. And another snippet by Typhonis:


Harry growled and then smiled he looked at the assembled people then spoke up. "Anyone have a pensive? I'll prove I didn't enter the damn tournament!"

An hour later. He watched as seven people stood up strait, Ludo Bagman and Barty Crouch senior were both staring at him. Cedric Diggory, Victor Krum and Fleur Delacour also came out. Shaken, white faced. They were staring at him openly. Madame Maxine was trying to speak but the words would not form. Igor Krakoff looked at Harry.

The next night was interesting. The Badgers were staring at Cedric. One spoke up, "What?"

"I pray to Merlin the committee does not take what Harry has faced as carte blanch to choose our tasks in the tournament."

"Why," Susan Bones asked.

"Face a hundred dementors... escape a colony of Acromantulas...kill a Basilisk in single combat...and face off against He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? I'm sorry 1000 galleons is not worth that."

The Durmstrang students were all quiet whispers. Victor was talking to them and all of them would shoot glances at Harry Potter from time to time. Not hostile glances but apprising ones. As if sizing him up. Albus stood up and spoke. "You attention please. Headmaster Krakoff has an announcement to make. Igor?"

The man stood and had a smile on his face, "I have spoken to the Governors of Durmstrang and they agree, Harry Potter would you please stand?"

Harry stood up and waited. Wondering what was going on. "Harry Potter, Gryffidor has ostracized you and called for your expulsion... "

From the Gryffidor table someone called out "Cheaters never Prosper!"

Karkoff snorted at that but carried on. "Allow me to be the first to welcome you to Durmstrang. You have proven your honor. Your deeds speak louder than any words you could speak. What we saw in that pensive proves without a shadow of a doubt you will be a fine addition to our school. Now come , Harry Potter. Come join your fellow classmates in Durmstrang. "

Harry could only stare as the Durmstrnag students broke out into cheers and made a place for him.


That was fun. Also: So many of the professors are supposed to be competent, but are the opposite. McGonnagal is one of the worst offenders, especially in Year 5 where she just advises everyone to keep their heads down. Sure she speaks up in Harry's defense but geez.

Honestly I would have written McGonnagal more like this, inspired by some bits written by Rorschach's Blot:


Professor McGonnagal is summoned to Dumbledore's office. When she arrives, she sees Snape is sitting in one of the chairs already.

McGonnagal: "Albus, you asked to see me?"

Albus: "Ah, yes Minerva. Severus has some complaints from his students about how you've been taking away points."

Minerva: Slow, deadly stare at Snape "Does he?"

Snape winces.

Albus: "As well as giving points."

Minerva: "Well! I've looked at a few recordings of Severus's conduct in his classes with my Gryffindors."

Snape: "How dare you-?!"

Minerva: DEADLY GLARE. Snape shuts up

Minerva: "And so I've decided to emulate his example. After all, he is your choice for Potions Professor, is he not? And such a critical role should be emulated."

Albus: "Well I-"

Minerva: "Thus, I docked Draco Malfoy five points for being ten seconds late, five points for breathing too loudly, and ten points for complaining about it."

Albus: "Well that's really not fair-"

Minerva: "You're right, it should have been fifty. Fifty points from Slytherin for Mister Malfoy's insubordination."

Albus: "I'm sure we can come to a reasonable compromise, Minerva."

Minerva: "Then am I to assume you're going to hold Severus to the same standard?"

Albus: "I... Given the situation with Slytherin house-"

Minerva: "Then you will do nothing. As usual."

Albus: "I-That is not what I-"

Minerva: "Then will you change the situation?"

Albus: "I... I will talk with Severus about his methods."

Minerva: "Good. Talk to him. Until such time as I see your talk has results, I will continue to apply point taking and rewarding at my discretion. As well as detention. Oh, by the way Severus. Please remind Draco Malfoy he will be cleaning out the latrine level for his next detention with me. And if he complains about it again, I will make it last until the end of the semester. Am I clear?"

Snape: "Y-You just can't-!"

Minerva: "Am. I. Clear?"

Snape: "... Crystal."

Minerva: "Well, if there is no other business, I have work to do. Good evening, gentlemen." She turns and heads out

Severus: "... Sir, you really need to stand up to her. She is your subordinate!"

Albus: wince "Easy for you to say..."


Flashback to Harry's First Year:


Minerva: "So you said that the castle defenses were impenetrable-"

Dumbledore: "Minerva, please-"

Minerva: "But somehow, someway, a troll got into the dungeons. And three first year students had to stop it. Three of mine. Are you going to tell me you planned this?"

Dumbledore: "... Absolutely!"

Minerva's aura begins to glow with magic as Albus cowers.

Minerva: "SO YOU ARE DELIBERATELY ENDANGERING OUR STUDENTS?!"

Dumbledore: "Er... Not exactly..."

Minerva: "And what about the thing that we all made defenses for? Tell me, what is it?"

Dumbledore: "I really can't tell you-"

Minerva: "Oh forget it, it's a Philosopher's Stone isn't it?"

Dumbledore: "How did you-?! Well, yes!"

Minerva: "So you are telling me that you're keeping the one thing that could let You Know Who return from being sort of dead IN A SCHOOL FULL OF HELPLESS CHILDREN?!"

Dumbledore: "I... Uh... Well they're not entirely helpless-NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!"