Crumpled Horn Plot Bunnies

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Harry Potter or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.


Basically, taking Fanon!Sirius up to Eleven... Quite literally.


Sirius popped up at the front door of Number 4 Privet Drive with a happy smile. He knocked the door and waited for his godson to appear. Which he did, looking gobsmacked.

"Sirius?! You can't be here, you'll be arrested-"

Sirius waved his hand and smiled with a wink.

"Oh don't worry Harry! I'm not Sirius Black! I'm Stubby Boardman!"

Harry gave his godfather an incredulous expression.

"'Stubby Boardman'-?"

Sirius handed Harry a CD album. Harry studied the picture on the front: There was his godfather, all right, with several other musicians sitting around a screaming goblin wielding a guitar. On the top was the title: HOBGOBLINS: CLAWED OUT OF HELL.

"My band after Hogwarts, the Hobgoblins," Sirius explained, "it's going strong in the Muggle World! Financially I mean, Nebs died of a drug overdoses and AIDS. Our albums have sold like hotcakes though thanks to us being like the prototype for the grunge movement! So I got the band back together and am living large! So here, I am-" He presented a driver's license, "Stubby Boardman! Lead singer of the Reunited Hobgoblins! Going on tour this Summer!"

"Er, well, I mean, that's great," Harry said, "but do you think anyone will really be fooled by this? I mean, all you did was get a shave and a haircut-"

"Boy, what are you-" Harry heard his aunt gasp, and drop something behind him. He turned, and watched her gape at his godfather. She slowly walked up to the door, her hands shaking. "Stubby?! Is that really you?!"

"You two know each other?" Harry asked incredulously.

Petunia was bright red, as Sirius laughed like a dog.

"Er, no! No! Not at all-!" Petunia tried.

"Of course not," Sirius said, leering, "and certainly not in the back of a tour bus." He winked. "Several times-"

"Stubby!" Petunia hissed, cheeks still red, as Harry tried to contain a wave of nausea.

"Sorry, sorry," Sirius laughed, "just nice that you're happy. Anyway! I'm taking the boy! Don't wait up!"

"But, those... freakish people," Petunia whispered, but Sirius held up a hand.

"Don't worry, babe," he said confidently, "I'll take care of them."

Petunia nodded, and sighed wistfully. An action that made Harry gag.

"Oh, Stubby... If you'd only asked, I'd have been yours!"

"I know babe. I know," Sirius sniffed significantly, and looked up at the sky,"but the Stubby's gotta be free."

Petunia sniffled.

"Oh Stubby," she blinked. "Wait, why do you need the boy-?"

Sirius grinned and shrugged.

"I'm gonna teach him an honest trade! How to be a roadie! Keep him out of your way, and all," he said, winking at Harry. A wink Harry was able to return without Petunia seeing. Petunia, for her part, sniffled and beamed warmly at Sirius.

"Oh Stubby... You wonderful man," she whimpered.

"It's the least I should do for my very special girl," Sirius said, reaching out to tickle Petunia under her chin. The woman's eyes rolled into the back of her head, and she fainted dead away into a heap with a happy sigh. Harry stared in disbelief, as Sirius stepped over the unconscious woman. He clapped his hands together with a happy grin, before he handed his godson a crowbar.

"Right, grab your stuff! I'll grab the silver, money and the booze!"

Normally Harry would have moral objections to this, however...

"Expensive stuff is in the lower drawers," Harry said, as he took the crowbar to wrench open the boot cupboard. Sirius busily began scooping up the silverware, and grabbing any good booze he could. He gave his godson a thumbs up.

"Gotcha!"

Harry winced. He knew he shouldn't ask, but his damn curiosity got the better of him. He'd blamed Hermione for this, later.

"Er... So you and my aunt...?" Harry tried, hoping Sirius would be subtle.

"Shagged rotten?"

Well that would teach Harry to get his hopes up.

"Oh hell yes," Sirius continued with a happy grin, "she was a feisty minx, woo! Vernon doesn't deserve her. She could do this thing with a pina colada and her hips that was-"

"I don't need to know that! ANY of that!" Harry quickly interjected, as they headed out the door of Number Four Privet Drive. Sirius shrugged.

"Oh, fair enough. How about when I made it with Professor McGonnagal-?"

"NO!"

Sirius shook his head.

"Fine, ya pansy... Just so you know though? You're gonna have to get over your squeamishness..." He held out his wand, and a black tour bus playing loud music appeared, "because this is gonna be one hell of a summer, Harry!"


Harry Potter and the Summer On Tour!

References to This is Spinal Tapvery much encouraged!