Crumpled Horn Plot Bunnies

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Harry Potter or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.


Ya know, all these Snape/Harry fics seem to miss something key... There is one person who actually acted like he was in love with Snape, and who was actually gay. And has extremely bad taste in men in general:

Albus Dumbledore.

Snape learns that Dumbledore has a thing for bad boys courtesy of his sources. And (perhaps courtesy of some pranks via Harry, Harry's friends, the staff, or all of them) thinks Albus is in love with him. His reaction?

In all likelihood be very VERY cautious and ensure he's never alone with Dumbledore. Possibly to the point where he insists on Minerva accompanying him for any 'private' meeting with Albus.


Minerva: "Severus, I do not have to hold your hand. Indeed, holding your hand feels like it was a mistake."

Snape: very quietly intense "My life and my virtue are entirely dependent on your remaining during any attempt by Albus to have a private meeting with me. I have... concerns."

Minerva: "Severus, surely you don't believe the Headmaster has any feelings for you beyond contempt and pity? That's how the rest of us feel about you, after all."

Snape: "He did the horizontal tango with Gellart Grindelwald, so excuse me if I have concerns!"

Minerva: "Oh, Severus… you're nothing like Gellart."

Snape: "Why thank you Minerva."

Minerva: "He actually got shit done."

Snape: "Well-"

Minerva: "He knew how to bathe."

Snape: "Okay, yes-"

Minerva: "He had charisma and charm."

Snape: "Fine well-"

Minerva: "His life didn't center around bullying school children."

Snape: "Minerva, please-!"

Minerva: "And he wasn't a virgin."

Snape: "... How do you know that?"

Minerva: "Well I know that now."


And now to make things much worse. Because in reality, Dumbledore being gay and having a thing for bad boys, and Snape getting away with everything at Hogwarts would lead to an inescapable conclusion...


Potter lingered after class, and Snape scowled at him.

"What is it, Potter?"

The boy collected himself, took a deep breath and looked at Snape directly.

"I wanted to say," he said, "I'm sorry."

Snape was not anticipating that.

"For your abysmal performance in class today? Yes, you should be-"

"I'm sorry for what happened with my father and my mother," he said.

Snape fell silent, and paled. The boy stared back, and began to walk up to the Potions Master.

"What do you-?"

"I know how you felt about both of them," Harry said quietly. "And I understand that some hurts are just... Too deep to heal."

Snape was speechless. How had the boy figured it out?! Who had-?!"

"After all, it must be torture to look at me, every day," Harry went on, "and see the son of the woman... You hated."

Snape blinked.

"... What-?"

"After all," Harry went on, "my mother stole my father away from you, didn't she? The man you loved more than anything else in the world?"

"Wha-You-How in the-?!"

Harry shook his head with a smile.

"I want to tell you that I accept you. You don't have to lash out. I don't feel the same way but I will never-"

"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CLASSROOM, POTTER!"


The next person to accost Snape was, of course, Granger. The little Mudblood handed over some pamphlets from the Muggle World: "How to Accept and Love Yourself".

"It's all right Professor!" Granger said with a broad smile, "my parents brought me up to be very understanding and tolerant! If you need someone to talk to-"

"You are the last person I will ever contact, Granger! Fifty points from Gryffindor!" Snape spat, as he stalked into the Great Hall. His eyes widened in disbelief.

All of Gryffindor and Slytherin, along with a smirking Minerva, stood there with a banner in bright rainbow colors that read "WE LOVE YOU, SEVERUS SNAPE."

"We're sorry if our prejudiced views blinded us to your pain, Professor!" Fred Weasley quipped.

"We'll make sure that you're loved and accepted everywhere, Professor!" George Weasley added with a grin.

"I'm sorry Godfather, I didn't know you were hurting so much inside!" Draco said, looking earnest.

Et tu, Draco? Snape thought.

Snape immediately turned and fled. Nope. Nope. He was not dealing with this, he was not-

"Professor Snape!"

Snape ground his teeth and looked at the Main Doors. Molly Weasley approached, her youngest son with her. She smiled warmly.

"I just wanted to bring my youngest to apologize to you," she said, "after all, we should be accepting of all kinds of people in the world... Shouldn't we, Ronald?!"

"Y-Yes Mum!" Ronald Weasley said. He turned to Snape and bowed. "I'm very sorry if I offended you, sir." He made a face. "But honestly, I think you could do better than the Headmaster."

"RONALD BILLIUS WEASLEY!" Molly bellowed, making both her son and Snape cringe, "YOU WILL NOT JUDGE WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

"What?! What do you think is going on between me and the Headmaster, you ignorant brood mare?!" Snape roared.

Molly Weasley smiled and took his hand, patting it comfortingly.

"Now now, there's no need for that, Professor Snape! I know I seem a bit old fashioned but I'm not one to stand by when someone's in pain-"

Snape had never been happier to feel the Dark Lord's call from his Dark Mark in his life.


Snape approached the Dark Lord reverently, kneeling before his throne and kissing the hem of his robe.

"Rise, Severus," Voldemort spoke. Snape did so, as the rest of the Inner Circle gathered around. Bellatrix was glaring hot death at Snape, and for once, the Potions Master couldn't understand why. Certainly, she was insane, but she seemed almost... Jealous?

"Severus," Voldemort said, "of all my servants, you have been the most Slytherin. The most true, the most cunning. Your tolerance and dedication are beyond reproach."

Snape bowed, wondering what game Voldemort was playing at. Was this a prelude to executing him? Lulling him into a false sense of security?

"Yes, even I can admit to an error in doubting you, Severus," Voldemort continued, "for I now know the depths you will sink to... All for me."

Snape had an ominous feeling about this.

"My Lord? Forgive me. I do not understand."

"For who among you," Voldemort said, sneering at his other followers, "would ingratiate himself so thoroughly with Albus Dumbledore, my most hated enemy, by giving into whatever depraved whim that Muggle loving fool had? Snape has Dumbledore enthralled. My son, you have given me the key to victory. Night after night, enduring that debauched old man's feelings! Making him love you! Suffering his attentions!"

Snape didn't have to look: He could feel Lucius AND Pettigrew smirking at him.

"Truly," Voldemort said with a nod, "you are my most devoted servant. Well done, Severus."

"You flatter me, My Lord," Snape managed to say, tears pouring from his eyes.

Why me?


An omake by Darkol.


Albus: Now Severus, why did you wish to have this private conversation with me?

Clearing his throat, Snape spoke.

Snape: Albus, you and I are working together to stop Voldemort, but I must make it clear that I am not attracted to you in any way, share or form.

Albus: W-What in Merlin's name are you talking about?

Snape: I know that you are attracted to me like you were attracted to Grindelwald...

Albus: No, I am not!

Snape:...but I am in love with Lily and I do not find you appealing in any way.

Albus: Severus, wait...

Snape: I know that you're love life has been terrible. The man you loved betrayed you and left you. Now you're an old and withered man, no longer able to attract anyone. And I am a young and brilliant man, so it makes sense that you would want me. But it cannot happen.

With that, Snape walked put if the room, leaving behind an incredibly confused, and slightly insulted, Albus Dumbledore.


Now go forth and write this concept so that we may laugh more.