Crumpled Horn Plot Bunnies

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Harry Potter or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.


Inspired by Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and naturally, Spy x Family. Let's have the Grangers be badass!


Ron gaped in some disbelief as a car pulled up to the Burrow, and Harry stared alongside him. It was an older model, a van of some kind. Out of it stepped a dashing man with curly brown hair, graying a bit at his temples, in a smart suit with gloves. He walked around to open the passenger side door, and he helped a beautiful dark haired woman with brown eyes step out. She was curvy and athletic, though aged a bit she clearly kept herself fit as her black dress showed off.

Last out of the van was Hermione, in her bridesmaid's dress, looking mortified.

"Ah, hello Harry, Ron," the man said pleasantly. He reached out to shake their hands, "Dan Granger. Pleasure to see you both again."

"And I'm Emma Granger," the woman added, shaking their hands after, "wonderful to see how well you two have grown!"

She hugged them both.

"Thank you for looking out for our Hermione!" Emma said gratefully.

"Absolutely," Dan said with a grin. "Just mind that you don't look too closely, eh?" He elbowed both Ron and Harry hard, making them nearly fall over.

"Uh, sure," Ron said with a nod. He leaned in close to Hermione, as her parents walked over to the wedding pavilion.

"Hermione? I thought you said you'd memory charmed your parents and sent them to Australia?" Ron muttered.

"You were going to do what?!" Harry gasped. Hermione winced.

"I wanted to keep them safe!" She insisted. "I-I tried to erase their memories of me over the last seventeen years, but... I kind of screwed up."

"How?" Harry asked in disbelief.

Hermione's wince became much worse.

"Er... Well... I'll tell you about it later," she muttered.

Mrs. Weasley was overjoyed to have Hermione's parents join them. She sat them in some of the best seats left, and Arthur immediately began pestering them with questions. Dan and Emma accepted it with good grace, but politely pushed Arthur back to the wedding of his eldest son. Ron, Harry and Hermione joined the wedding party, supporting Bill and Fleur. Fleur came out, and she and Bill held hands in front of the minister.

The ceremony was underway... When black figures began to swarm around the Burrow. Two broke through the defenses, assuming human forms and wielding wands. The first one opened his mouth to cast a curse-

"Av-"

BANG!"

"HURK!"

His comrade fared no better, another bullet going right between his eyes. The wedding party screamed, wands were drawn. Harry looked up and saw Dan Granger calmly firing his gun, putting another Death Eater down with two bullets.

"Damn," he muttered, "old age. Could've gotten him with one ten years ago."

"That's all right, darling," Emma said cheerfully, drawing long knives, "it happens to the best of us!"

She sprinted like an Olympic runner, and slashed her long blades across the throat of another Death Eater who had run through the breach. She threw a vial that burst into a poisonous powder that fell over the face of another, making him scream in agony. She plunged a blade in up under his ribs, and twisted it. She looked back at Hermione with a happy smile, despite the blood splatters on her face.

She grabbed the Death Eater by the hair and shoved him forward.

"Hermione, sweetie? Is this the one who hurt you so much?"

Harry and Ron gaped, as Hermione shook her head.

"N-No Mum! That's not the one!" She cried.

"Pity," Emma muttered, slashing his throat and dropping him like a sack of potatoes. Another Death Eater tried to curse her from behind, but his head exploded in a bloody mist. Emma shot a warm, loving smile to her husband, who was holding up a rifle with a scope.

"Thank you for the bag of holding, Hermione," Dan called out, "much appreciated! Yes, this works much better for lugging around and concealing weapons."

"Um, no problem?" Hermione managed. The rest of the Death Eaters retreated in terror.

The now very quiet wedding party stared in astonishment at the two Muggles, who walked up to each other and kissed passionately. Dan broke off first, and smiled at Bill and Fleur.

"Well? This is a wedding, after all," Dan said cheerfully.

"Now?!" Bill gasped.

"After all zat?!" Fleur cried.

"Come on! People have gotten married under worse conditions," Emma reasoned. She shook her head. "We got married in the middle of a firefight."

"Two rival mobsters, no respect for tradition," Dan huffed. Emma grinned.

"Did make the reception very short though," Emma teased.

"Hm, fair enough," Dan chuckled, nuzzling his wife, "I was looking forward to the honeymoon very much."

"That makes two of us," Emma practically purred.

Harry and Ron slowly turned to stare at Hermione. She winced.

"It... It turns out my dad was a... Operator for MI6 and my mother had a... Colorful career where she'd uh... Kill people who needed killing. They apparently repressed those memories and uh... I brought them back when I tried to memory charm them?"

"So," Harry began, "your mum was an assassin, and your dad was a spy-"

"And they're both coming with us on our little expedition," Hermione groaned.

Both teenaged boys gaped in disbelief.

"WHAT?!"


Which leads to a much shorter Year 7... But filled with a lot more car chases and gunplay. Feel free to expand on this!

Another thing related to the Grangers in Book 7...


Hermione snuck into her parent's room at the beginning of Year 7, wand at the ready... And the lights turned on. Her parents were glaring in disappointment at her.

Mr. Granger: "Hermione Jean Granger! Were you planning on modifying our memories?!"

Hermione: "What?! No! No! Noooo...!"

Her parents keep glaring.

Hermione: "... Okay maybe a little."

Mrs. Granger: sighs "Would it be possible for you to just talk to us, Hermione? Have you drifted so far from us that you just see us as... As inferiors?"

Hermione: "WHAT?! Of course not! I-I love you! That's why I want to protect you!"

Mr. Granger: "How are you going to protect us? Make us forget who we are and send us off to another country?"

Hermione: "Errrr..."

Mrs. Granger: "Ugh... Ethical concerns aside, Hermione... It's not a good plan."

Hermione: "It is too!"

Mr. Granger: "Did you forge all the identification we'd need to pass in our new identities, hm?"

Hermione: "... Oh... Um..."

Mrs. Granger: "Did you have a plan for what might happen if these Death Eaters decided to just flout international law and go after us anyway?"

Hermione: "Well, uh..."

Mr. Granger: sighs, shakes his head "The worst part is? I know why you're thinking like this. You're thinking... Like a wizard."

Hermione: looks like she's been slapped... Then she breaks down crying

Hermione: "Oh God... It's true! I've become as stupid and arrogant as they are! NO!"

The Grangers hug their sobbing daughter.

Mr. Granger: "There there, Hermione... You realized it, at least? That means there's hope for you."

Mrs. Granger: "So, how about we sit down and talk this out, huh? You want us to be safely away? All right. We can leave and vacation in Australia for a year or two."

Mr. Granger: "I know a friend from the old days in the British Army. He can help us keep it quiet. With a little magical help from you, we can even get some cover for our identities."

Hermione: "I'm so sorry! I'm so, so sorry!" sobs

Mrs. Granger: "We still love you, dear. At least you didn't go through with it."

Hermione: miserably "Only because you caught me..."

Mr. Granger: sigh "We're still angry about that. But we can talk that through later. Now, what are your plans for dealing with this Dark Lord of yours?"

Hermione: "Well... Harry, Ron and I are going to hide out in a tent and try to figure out where his soul containers are based on the vague ramblings of Headmaster Dumbledore."

Mrs. Granger: "... The same Dumbledore who didn't tell us that you had been petrified by a giant snake?"

Hermione: "Well-"

Mr. Granger: "The same Dumbledore who put your best friend in an abusive household for ten years?"

Hermione: "That is-"

Mrs. Granger: "The same Dumbledore who let a bunch of children do all the heavy lifting over the past six years when it came to threats to the magical world-?"

Hermione: "All right, all right!" sigh "We need a new plan."

Mr. Granger: "Then get your friends over here so we can work it out. You're going to need every advantage you can get."

Hermione: "Yes Dad..."

Mrs. Granger: "And then maybe we can size up if either of them is good boyfriend material?"

Hermione: "MUM!"


That always bugged me. Hermione just memory charming her parents and sending them off? Geez.