Crumpled Horn Plot Bunnies
By Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Harry Potter or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.
Seamus could use some more love. So here it is!
Seamus was Irish, and proud of it. And so when his fellow Gryffindors were acting a bit too English, he felt it was up to him to correct things.
So he sat next to Harry in the Common Room, scooted his chair right up alongside him, looked the Chosen One right in the eye, and said this:
"Mate, are you a poofter or what?"
Harry's jaw dropped.
"Am I a-Wha?!"
"I'm just saying, mate," Seamus said, "that you've got an ideal girlfriend that you've been ignoring since she got hot and I'm concerned."
"Wha-What ideal girlfriend?" Harry demanded in a quiet hiss, "what? Are you talking about Ginny?"
Seamus laughed.
"Ginny? Yeah, right. Sure. No, mate, I'm talking about Hermione," he said. "Come on mate. You have to have figured out she's mad about you?"
"She likes Ron, not me," Harry said, and he looked a bit depressed despite himself. Seamus smirked.
Bingo.
"But if you made a move, you could lure her away," Seamus said, "get her where she belongs-Alongside you."
"She doesn't belong with me!" Harry protested. Seamus leaned back, and snorted.
"All right then mate. How about I go ask her out?"
"I... That's fine," Harry grumbled. Seamus smirked.
"I'll snog her, you know. I'll snog the daylights out of her," Seamus intimated. Harry's fingers began to dig into the arms of his chair.
"Good for you."
"I'll show her what a real man can do," Seamus continued.
"How are you a real man?!" Harry demanded. "I've fought a basilisk, Dementors, a dragon-!"
"A real man can figure out there's the potential for real love right in front of him," Seamus shot back. "And figuring out the best way to get that done!"
"Oh yeah? And how is that?" Harry asked angrily.
"Listen," Seamus said, "you go up to Hermione, yeah? You look her in the eyes. You kiss her. If she freaks out, then I'll buy you a new broom. If she kisses back, then you owe me firewhiskey."
"How am I supposed to-?"
"You're the juvenile delinquent, you'll figure it out," Seamus said encouragingly. "Come on, here she is. Go!"
"Why should I-?"
"Unless you're a pussy."
Harry narrowed his eyes. He got up, and headed over to Hermione. She looked up at him curiously. He took a deep breath, and put his hands on her shoulders. He then pulled her into a kiss, and her eyes went wide.
The Common Room fell into silence. The kiss went on for a bit longer, before Harry pulled back. Hermione, bright red, turned and fled up to the girls' dorms in a flurry of bushy hair. Harry watched her go in disbelief, as Seamus walked up alongside him.
"Wha... But..." Harry tried. Seamus grinned. Harry glared.
"She freaked out!" He protested.
"Did she kiss you back?" Seamus asked.
Harry was silent, then, reluctantly:
"... Yes."
"HA! I win!"
"Bite me."
Ending by ModeGone...
Harry pauses a moment before grinning back at Seamus. "I'll get you your firewhiskey when you get me my broom. Fair's fair, right?"
"...what?"
"We both won the bet. So we both get the prize."
Seamus bursts into laughter. The balls on the guy! But he did set the stakes. "Alright, alright. Yeah, we both were right. But don't go expecting a new Firebolt."
Harry shakes his head as he turns away. "I'm not, after all you never said what kind of broom."
Seamus blinks. Wait, he didn't say what kind of firewhiskey either. Shit.
And by cliffc999...
"So, about that Firewhisky, I take Manticore single malt."
"Okay. And about that broom, I want a Firebolt."
"I don't owe you a broom!"
"Terms of the bet were, if she kisses me back I owe you firewhisky, and if she freaks out you owe me a new broom. And she did both of those, so we both have to pay. It's not my fault that you made a bet at such lopsided odds against you that I'm out a few sickles and you're on the hook for hundreds of Galleons."
"I don't even have that kind of money!"
"Then I'll settle for the best broom you can afford, but you will get me a new broom."
"When the hell did you become so damn ruthless?"
"Two minutes ago, when this cheeky Irish bastard called me a pussy and pushed me to man up. Well enjoy your victory, Seamus, because here's your prize!"
"This. This is why we hate the English."
Goddamned English, indeed. I can say that: I'm Scottish! And German!
