Crumple Horned Plot Bunnies

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Harry Potter or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.


A bit more of the Grangers being awesome. In no particular order. And if you feel inspired, please, take any of these story concepts and make them your own!


Diagon Alley, Year 2...

Harry ran out of Burke's strange shop into Knockturn Alley. He looked around, trying to find some way out. A hag leered over at him from a corner. A few vampires smoking in the nearby alley under shade glared at him. An old wizard in dirty robes walked up to him.

"Now there lad, now there, help an old man out, will ya?" He asked in a scratchy voice. He extended his hand to Harry. Harry hesitated, but took it. He helped the old man (who was quite pushy) towards the north. Soon the ramshackle and dirty buildings gave way to cleaner streets and friendlier people. The old man nodded, patting Harry on the shoulder.

"Thank you lad, thank you, takes more out of me each time," he wheezed.

"Er, no problem sir," Harry admitted.

"Got a copper on ya, lad?" The old man asked. Harry rummaged in his pockets for some money. He looked up with a Knut... Only to see the old man was gone. In his place stood a tall, handsome man with curly brown hair (that had a touch of gray) in a nice bottle-green suit. He put on a bowler hat, as he held a pile of rags and... A rubbery face mask?

"Terribly sorry about that, lad," he said with a smile. He tucked the disguise away into a coat pocket. "I'm Dan Granger, by the way."

He held out a driver's license, which indeed said he was Dan Granger. Harry's eyes widened.

"Related to Hermione?" Harry asked. Dan chuckled and nodded.

"Yes, I'm fortunate to be her father," he said. Harry blinked rapidly.

"But-But you're a Muggle!" He cried. "What were you doing in here in disguise?!"

"Oh, dental work," Dan said cheerfully, ushering the boy along, "nothing you need concern yourself with. You'll get to meet my Emma soon enough-Hermione's mother and my wonderful wife! Hermione's told me all about you!"

"But-But dental work-"

"I get called out of the office a great deal," Dan said, shaking his head, "and no wonder! Have you seen the teeth around here? Appalling!"

Twenty minutes ago...

"I swear!" The wizard cried, as best he could through a mouth of broken teeth, as Dan held him up against the dirty alley wall, "Malfoy comes in every so often t' sell at that shop! E'd know more than me! I swear! I SWEAR!"

Mister Granger hummed thoughtfully.

"Fair enough," he stated, "but next time you lie to my face, think up something more plausible, won't you? Bad form, that."


As for her Mother...


"I'm amazed Granger doesn't oink!" Draco taunted her, as he stood nearby one of the fountains that dotted Hogwarts Castle, "dirty little Mudblood!"

Hermione was fighting back tears. Ron and Harry were at Quidditch practice-She was all alone, and cornered.

"Just let me get to class, Malfoy!" She growled, "I don't have time for your racist nonsense about my parents!"

"It's not nonsense if it's true," Draco sneered, "your parents are barely better than apes! Can't even put in the effort to protect you! Can't even-!"

Draco fell into the nearby fountain. Hermione gaped in amazement as her mother stood where he'd been. She was in the midst of the other second year Slytherin students, who were all gasping at the woman's sudden appearance. She was in a fetching yellow jumper, over black pants and stylish leather boots. Her long black hair was loose and flowing in the wind.

Emma Granger beamed cheerfully, and then hugged Hermione tightly.

"Dear! It's so nice to see you!" She cried.

"M-Mum?!" Hermione gasped. "How did you get here-?"

"I walked," she deadpanned. "Not too differently from you, I might add. Anyway, I was in the neighborhood and I just wanted to check up on you, my darling daughter!"

"Hack! H-Hey! You pushed me!" Draco coughed as he got to his feet. Mrs. Granger turned to him and smiled, her eyes narrowed. Draco gaped and quivered in fear at the deadly rage that seemed to be burning in the woman's eyes.

"Oh? I did?" Emma asked softly, "I'm so terribly sorry. Aren't I clumsy? Why, I just can't keep track of anything. Sometimes I break bones and crush organs, completely by accident. I'm very sorry, Mister Draco Malfoy."

"Mum," Hermione groaned, and then softly she whispered, "I can fight my own battles."

"Hmm? What battles? I'm sure this young man was just about to apologize to you for his rude and uncouth behavior," Emma went on, still smiling in that terrifying way. Draco almost made for his wand, but Mrs. Granger's eyes widened just a bit-Enough to tell him she knew he would try for it.

And that she was eager to see him try.

"I uh... I'm sorry... For my behavior," Draco mumbled. Emma nodded, her smile now significantly less terrifying.

"Wonderful!" She cried, clapping her hands. She rummaged around in her hand bag and produced a tin of biscuits. "Look! Sugar free chocolate biscuits, your favorite!"

She handed out a few more tins, even one to Draco.

"Enough for you and your friends," she cooed. Draco edged away, but Mrs Granger's smile again became terrifying. Shakily, he took the tin and nodded.

"Th-Thank you... Mrs. Granger," he squeaked.

"You're very welcome," Emma said happily. "Now Hermione: Show me to the Library! I can't wait to see it with you!"

"Sure Mum," Hermione said, walking with her mother out of the courtyard. Draco stared after her in disbelief. He was about to vanish the biscuit tin, or toss it into a bin... When she paused, and looked over her shoulder at him.

Draco immediately opened the tin, and began shoving biscuits into his mouth. Mrs. Granger smiled, nodded, and resumed walking with her daughter.

Draco felt like crying as he chewed.

The worst part?

The biscuits were actually good...


Naturally, the Grangers just keep dropping in at Hogwarts. At random times. In the most random places.


Dumbledore entered his office... Only to stop short as he sees the Grangers there. Mrs. Granger is calmly petting Fawkes while Dan reads a book from Dumbledore's shelf non-chalantly.

Dan: looks up "Oh! Headmaster! What a pleasure to see you!" smiles

Emma: "Indeed! You're looking well!"

Dumbledore: "How did you get past the Anti-Muggle Charms?"

Dan: "Hmmm? Whatever do you mean?"

Emma: Smile... That becomes terrifying "You aren't implying that you would deliberately keep parents from being able to visit their children... Are you, Headmaster?"

Dumbledore: "Er, no, of course not-"

Emma: Smile becomes less scary "Good! I'm so happy to hear that, Headmaster!"

Dan: "Yes, it's very encouraging to know you aren't the type of wizard to look down on Muggle parents. Very enlightened, sir."

Dumbledore: "But, for my own peace of mind, please tell me: How did you get past the charms outside the grounds-?"

Dan: "Headmaster. We take our daughter's safety VERY seriously."

Dumbledore: "That wasn't an answer."

Dan: "Hmm? No, it wasn't."

Both Grangers just smile at him.

Dumbledore: somewhat impressed "So that's what it's like..."


Naturally, if Draco ever gets enough of a clue on what the Grangers apparently REALLY do, his imagination might conjure up what might be in those chocolate biscuits

Draco" "Quick! Quick! Mu...I mean, MISS GRANGER! Please, can I have the antidote?!"

Hermione: "Whatever are you gibbering about, Malfoy?"

Draco: "The slow-acting poison in the biscuits! I need the antidote! Please! I'll be good! Really good! Just don't let me die!"

Hermione: "What. The. Heck...?"

Emma: "Oh come now Draco, dear! I wouldn't poison you!"

Draco: "You wouldn't?"

Emma: "Of course not! It would be far too obvious. Better to make it look like an accident... If I was going to kill you."

Draco: "O-Oh."

Emma: "And further, were I to kill you, you would never see it coming. You would never know what hit you, as you suddenly just woke up in the afterlife."

Her smile remains jovial and pleasant the entire time.

Draco: *gulps*

Emma: "Here, have another biscuit Draco."

Hermione: *unphased by how deadly her mother seems-this is normal for her* "They are very good!"

Draco: "S-Sure! Yes! Thank you!"


Because Muggles can be awesome too, damnit!