Crumple Horned Plot Bunnies

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Harry Potter or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.


Plenty of anime has been inspired by Harry Potter, and done a lot of interesting things with it. So why not feed some of that back into Harry Potter in a fairly plausible way?

From Akashic Records of Bastard Magic Instructor...


Harry needed help to survive against Voldemort. Frankly, they all did. But when it came to depth and experience with magic, even Hermione admitted they were outmatched. Nor even including Voldemort, their foes had so many magical options for battle, it wasn't fair.

That said, they did have one advantage they didn't: The Chamber of Secrets, and Salazar Slytherin's library.

Though it didn't seem like one at the moment.

"Great," Ron groused, looking over another of the books in Salazar Slytherin's library, "another collection of letters to his wife. We'll beat You Know Who with love poetry."

"You never know, we might," Hermione suggested. "Put it in the case!"

Ron did so, sliding the book into the charmed bookcase for "potentially useful" books they found. Another was for damaged books to be restored. Ron handled them all very carefully, as did Harry.

Neither boy wanted to lose their fingers, thank you very much.

"Hmm," Harry murmured, examining a tome. "This one is... Way beyond me. Lots of numbers." He immediately handed it over to Hermione, who began to read through the contents.

"Let's see... Ward diagram, think it's standard security," she murmured, "another ward, this one to keep rats out..."

"Good against Wormtail?" Ron offered.

"Didn't work before," Harry grumbled. Hermione paused her reading, studying a diagram intently. Harry and Ron raised their eyebrows.

"Something interesting? Please, tell me it's something interesting," Ron begged.

"Well, I'm not sure," Hermione hummed, "this one requires the array to be on some parchment-Small enough to carry. But all it does is absorb magic, and send a general Finite form of spell in all directions for fifty feet."

"That's weird," Harry frowned. "So you put it down, it activates, and... What? It cancels all magical spells around it?"

"Ooh, could it undo wards or defenses?" Ron asked.

Hermione shook her head.

"No, the dispersion of the magic isn't focuses enough for that," she said, "it would only prevent new spells from being cast in the area."

"Anyone's spells?" Harry asked, his eyes lighting up. Hermione nodded.

"Yeah! But that wouldn't do much good-Everyone in the area would be unable to cast any spells until the array burnt out! Your side, their side-Everyone! Slytherin's notes say he tried for a decade to make it recognize friend from foe but-"

"How long?" Ron asked, grinning as he realized his best friend's idea. Hermione hummed.

"Maybe five... Ten minutes at best? But what could you-?"

"Third year. Draco. The punch," Harry reminded Hermione. She blinked... Then put it together.

And then began to cackle evilly.

"Bwahahahaha!"

"She scares me when she gets like this," Ron muttered to Harry.

"I kind of like it," Harry admitted softly.

"Mental. Both of you..."


It had taken a lot of trial and error to get this far. Salazar Slytherin had been brilliant, but even he couldn't have figured out the mathematics needed to complete his ward eight hundred years early.

That Tom Riddle had apparently not done so gave the Trio hope they could pull this off.

Still, there was practice and simulation... And then there was the real thing. They needed a live fire test.

And as Madame Umbridge was in the school, they got their chance. Courtesy of her Inquistorial Squad.

"All right Potter!" Draco crowed, he, Crabbe, Goyle and Pansy Parkinson all holding Harry up with their wands, "you're late to class."

"Really?" Harry asked, deadpan, "could have sworn there were still ten minutes to go."

"You're gonna be late to class, Potter," Draco smirked. Harry took a deep breath. He had one of the ward cards in his pocket. They'd taken to carrying then around at all times, just in case...

He wasn't going to get a better shot at this.

"Make me, you poof," Harry shot back, as he tapped the ward card with his wand twice underneath his robes. That channeled just enough magic to the card to activate it.

Draco flushed in anger.

"What did you just call me, Potter?!"

"Well given you're so much like your father, I figure you'll just naturally want to be on your knees for a halfblood man," Harry snarked. Draco seethed and waved his wand.

"Inverte stature!" He shouted. His wand sparked... And sputtered. Draco and his goons gaped in shock.

"Trouble, Malfoy?" Harry asked dryly.

"Locomotor Wibbly!" Draco shouted. Again, nothing but weak sparks issued from his wand tip.

"Furnunculus! Calvorio! Flipendo!" Draco shouted, now sounding desperate.

Harry smirked unpleasantly. A rush of confidence hit him.

It worked. It bloody worked!

Having to be Dudley's work out partner over the summer, plus all his chores, had been exhausting. Even if it had gotten him more food from the Dursleys. But now that he had a few inches on Draco, and a lot more muscle? It was worth it.

He casually walked right up to Draco, who seemed thin and weak. He pressed his hand onto Draco's chest, and shoved him aside with ease. Crabbe and Goyle, equally intimidated, parted from him with a look. Pansy gaped at him in shock.

"I'm off to class. You lot have fun," Harry stated.

"Wha-What did you do, Potter?!" Draco demanded.

Harry shrugged.

"Me? You're the one who couldn't perform," Harry said. He nodded to Pansy.

"Pansy. Looking good."

She blushed, and Draco screeched, as Harry headed off to class. Only when he was safely away did he grin.

It worked. It bloody worked!

He couldn't wait to tell the others.


Later, after Voldemort has attacked Hogwarts and Harry has activated the Ward...

Harry: "Hey Hagrid? Remember Tom Riddle? The guy who got you expelled and ruined your life?"

Hagrid: growls "Of course, Harry..."

Harry: points at Voldemort "That's him. And I've disabled his magic."

Voldemort: "FOOL! Do you really think you could possibly-!" He tries to cast... And casts again... And again... "... Oh."

Hagrid: grins, and charges Voldemort "THIS IS FER ARAGOG, YA BASTARD!"

Voldemort: "MUMMY!"

As Hagrid beats the shit out of Voldemort, Harry keeps activating wards and Hermione and Ron frantically keep drawing more.

Harry: "Geez, who knew Tom could use up so many of these! He's a monster!"

Ron: "Well yeah Harry, we knew that."

Hermione: "Everyone did!"

Harry: "Not what I-Well it kind of-JUST KEEP DRAWING ME WARDS DAMNIT!"


Because Hagrid should get more spotlight.