Crumple Horned Plot Bunnies
By Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Harry Potter or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.
Honestly, Harry becoming an Auror is one of the least realistic aspects of the Epilogue. Instead of leaving it off because it didn't fit how the story had evolved over the years, or changing it, Rowling still stuck it on as her preferred ending. After everything Harry's gone through, he wouldn't end up an Auror Captain. At least not right away.
So again inspired by manga and anime... He becomes a House Husband instead.
In the future...
Hermione Potter has to go down to Gringrotts from the Ministry of Magic. She maintains her composure through long hours of practice as she walks through the front doors and up to a waiting Goblin.
"This way, ma'am," the goblin stated.
They went down to a holding cell area, where multiple goblin guards were standing around a door to a cell block, along with a dragon and two tamed manticores.
"Is... All this really necessary?" Hermione asked.
"You broke in here last time, you tell me," the goblin grunted. "Let her through!"
The goblin guards stepped aside. The door to the cell block slowly lifted. Hermione and her goblin guide walked in, going down the empty cells... To the last one.
Harry was sitting in one of the cells, their son, James Sirius, playing with some toys out of his diaper bag. Harry was wearing sunglasses, and had a five o'clock shadow-As he usually did. His hair was rakishly messy, and his physique was well crafted muscle outlined by a simple white undershirt shirt, an red open button up shirt, and tight blue jeans.
It made him look utterly shaggable (as usual) but Hermione had more important things to worry about.
"Harry," Hermione said, "what did you do?"
Harry shrugged.
"All I asked was..."
And here Harry stood up, his incredible power making the cell go dark, as his eyes glowed with the full power of the Deathly Hallows and his own incredible magic.
"Can I make a withdrawal? I gotta get some groceries for dinner tonight," he rumbled, like the thunder of an oncoming storm.
His baby son clapped happily at the light show. His wife just sighed, and held a hand to her forehead.
"Every time..."
Ron Weasley, now a partner in Weasley's Wizard Wheezes (and married to Luna Weasley nee Lovegood) sighed as he got another annoying call from his former Auror captain:
"I'm just saying," the man said over the enchanted Floo Phone, "it's an utter waste of his talents, being a house husband of all things!"
"Take it up with him mate, not me," Ron sighed.
"But-But a house husband, Weasley!" The older man sputtered, "the conquerer of Voldemort!"
"If you knew Harry like I did, you would understand," Ron sighed.
"Oh yeah? How's that?" The Auror Captain demanded.
Ron's thoughts went to a conversation he'd had with Harry only a few years ago...
The war had ended. Harry and Hermione had gotten together, admitting to falling in love while Ron was gone. That had hurt, but Ron realized it was his own damn fault.
He found it in himself to be happy for his best friends, and visited their house at Number 12 Grimmauld frequently. But the real kicker was when Ron said he wanted to join the Aurors, and Harry wouldn't go with him.
"But Harry!" Ron protested. "You'd get paid to do what you've always done!"
"Yeah, but I hated all that crap," Harry said, working at the stove. "I wanna do things I actually enjoy!"
"Like Quidditch?" Ron asked. Harry smiled and shook his head.
"I could go pro... But it would be all about my fame, regardless of my ability. No, I want to build a home. Have kids." He paused as he stirred some vegetables in a cast iron skillet.
"Cook."
Ron groaned.
"You wanna be, what, a house husband?!" Ron asked.
Harry grinned and nodded.
"Yeah. Why not? Your mum did it."
"You want to be like my mum?!" Ron demanded. "Have you gone mental?!"
"She DID kill Bellatrix, you know," Harry pointed out, adding some spices to the food, "and was an Olympic medalist in dueling."
"Even so, mate, it just sounds..." Ron tried to think of something that wouldn't accidentally insult women, or Hermione, or Harry. As he struggled with this herculean task, Harry smiled as something beeped.
"Oh! The snacks are ready," he said. He got some golden fried things out of the oven. They smelled mouth watering.
"What are those?" Ron asked, curious and hungry.
"Ebi. Japanese style fried shrimp," Harry replied. "Hermione likes to try new things so I went with Japanese food." He held out a plate of the shrimp. "Want to try?"
Ron hesitated a little... But it did smell damn good. He grabbed one, and popped it into his mouth. He bit down.
His eyes widened, and then rolled back into his head. His foot kicked like a happy dog in a dream. He swallowed, and licked his lips, savoring every bit.
"Good?" Harry asked. Ron grabbed the rest off the plate, hungrily devouring the shrimp. He licked his fingers clean, then grabbed the plate to lick anything left.
He had tears in his eyes as he finished the ebi. Hermione walked in, blinking. Ron looked over at her, and took a deep breath.
"Hermione? Marry this man," he stated.
Hermione and Harry both blushed.
"Wha? What do you-?"
"IF YOU WON'T I WILL!"
Doesn't have to be with Hermione, of course, that's just my preference. Your own take on the idea could be just as fun.
