Crumple Horned Plot Bunnies

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Harry Potter or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.


This is a common trope but it's all in how it's used... And I'm using it in a slightly different way.


Draco Malfoy had decided that his feud with Potter had to escalate. Just getting him into trouble wasn't good enough, no. He had to humiliate him. So, in a rare moment of insight and self reflection, he realized that the Weasley way of doing things was best.

Not the youngest Weasley, of course. But the twins.

So Draco plotted, and waited for his chance to strike. His plan was devilishly clever, if he said so himself (and he did). He waited, Disillusioned, for Potter to walk into the Great Hall for breakfast. He was invisible-No one would see him save perhaps Dumbledore, and so Draco hid behind a stone pillar he had enchanted to block magic one way. He waited, waited, waited until Potter was right in the middle of the Hall and headed to his table...

He cast silently, the spell he had been working on all summer long!

In an instant, Potter was completely naked. He looked aghast and shocked. Students screamed and gasped. Draco waited for laughter to ensue... And there were a few awkward laughs, mostly from the boys. But there were also plenty of gapes and whispers, and Draco... Saw why, as Potter turned around, looking a bit frantic.

Potter was rather skinny, yes, but all lean muscle. Draco could see his pectorals and abdominal muscles, clearly defined like in an anatomy text book. His bell end... Blimey... Not that Draco was gay, but blimey! What, was Potter run through an obstacle course every year with his Muggle family?!

This pissed Draco off something fierce, but he was assured that soon the laughter and hooting and jeering would make Potter break down into tears... Probably. Just as soon as the girls reacted to his tiny... Tiny...

It wasn't tiny. And judging from the reactions of the witches, they saw it wasn't tiny, too.

"Harry!" Granger cried, immediately rushing to Potter's side. She pulled off her robes, and threw them around Potter's shoulders to cover him up... While also pressing herself up against him. Her face was bright red. "Are you all right?"

"I'm all right, just drafty," Potter grumbled. Lovegood was on his other side, resting a hand on his lower back.

"It's all right, Harry. We'll get you somewhere warm."

Wait, Greengrass was now up and up against his front?

"I should check you to make sure they didn't throw in any nastier time delayed hexes," she said, her face collected but the pink on her cheeks quite telling, "I am working on becoming a healer, after all."

"Don't worry," the two Patils said, rising and taking hold of Potter's right and left arms, "we can help him with that, too."

"Harry, if you need any help, I'll do whatever you'd like to me-I mean, for you," Susan Bones expressed, resting a hand on his shoulder.

"M-Me too!" Weasley (Ginny) said quickly, her face as red as her hair.

What the bloody hell?! He was supposed to be humiliated, not... Not... Fawned over!

"Er, I'm really all right," Harry said.

"He does look all right, right mate?" Ron asked. Hermione shook her head, pressing herself even harder against Potter and taking one of his arms to put around her waist-Much to the visible envy of every other girl.

"Ron, who knows who did this? It might just be a prelude to something worse!" Hermione insisted. "Especially given You-Know-Who is about!"

"Well, I suppose so," Ron allowed. "Better do as they say, Harry!"

This was intolerable. Weasley wasn't acting like a prig?! Potter practically had a harem! Draco deserved a harem!

Draco stepped out from the pillar, intent on shouting at Potter and mocking him-When a Body-Bind hit him right in the chest and sent him packing.

Dazed, Draco was able to see Potter and his girls looked at him, then at whoever fired the Curse-Professor Septima?!

"Let's all get to the Hospital Wing!" She said primly. "Mister Malfoy has a lot to answer for, but the priority is Mister Potter's safety!"

"I'll watch him, mate!" Ron volunteered, his wand out and on Draco.

"Thanks Ron," Harry said. With a sigh and smile to all the women, "all right, let's get me checked out if you're all that concerned."

"Woohoo," Daphne Greengrass whispered, as Harry and the horde of witches headed off. Ron stood over Draco's inert body, smirking.

"Didn't turn out how you wanted, did it?" Weasley asked.

Draco glared death up at him. Ron shrugged.

"Why am I not jealous? Cause I'm no slouch down there, but a harem would be a serious nightmare," Ron shuddered, "ugh, no thanks! Let Harry deal with that."


Another common but fun trope? Harry having no idea what sex is, thanks to the Dursleys.

So Sirius is on the case!


Sirius: "Tonks, Hermione? Here's some firewhiskey and contraceptive potions. Please teach Harry about sex."

Tonks: cheerfully "Right-O!"

Hermione: "W-W-What?! Teach him about sex?!" bright red "Just-How do you-What do you-?!"

Sirius: "Well, it's a Pureblood family tradition to ask a trusted friend of the family to introduce younger members of the family to carnal matters. Harry trusts you, I trust you, so go for it!"

Hermione: "B-But it's so improper-I don't-I mean-!"

Tonks: "It's one of those Wizarding World traditions you just gotta accept, Hermione! Besides, you wouldn't want some random bint taking advantage of Harry, would you?"

Hermione: "I-N-No! No, of course not-!"

Tonks: "Then let's get to work!" She drags the blushing Hermione and the confused Harry off

Remus: "Sirius... As I recall, that 'tradition' was the excuse you used when your mum caught you plowing Amelia Bones."

Sirius: "Yup! And my father backed me up! So it's totally a tradition!" grins

Remus: sighs "They're going to bloody kill you."

Sirius: "Only if a certain werewolf can't keep his mouth shut."

Remus: grumbles

Sirius: "I'll set you up with Narcissa after we get her husband imprisoned?"

Remus: "... Deal."

Sirius: "Besides... Do you honestly believe that Tonks doesn't already know I'm pranking? She grew up in the Wizarding World, after all."

Remus: "Then why is she-?"

Sirius: "One, she thinks Harry is cute. Two, the reason she hates her first name so much is truth in advertising; that girl's lost more pants than a clothing warehouse being looted by rioters. Honestly, it's living proof of how much a eunuch you are that you haven't gotten any action yet, Nymphadora's personal record for least elapsed time from first date to intercourse was 'Didn't even get off the porch when the bloke arrived to take her to the restaurant.'"

Remus: "... not touching that with a ten foot pole, any more than I'm touching your cousin. But what about Hermione?"

Sirius: "Hermione is far, far too gullible. I mean, just look at what the Weasley twins got her to believe about house elves."