Crumple Horned Plot Bunnies

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Harry Potter or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.


More Way of the Wizard House Husband!


Hermione Potter arrived back at her home, tired from a long day of work at the Ministry. She took her shoes off at the entrance, and stretched her arms over her head.

"I'm home!" She called out. "Harry? James? Kreacher?"

She heard her baby giggle, and walked into the living room... Only to see it was in shambles. Spell blast damage was everywhere, the furniture was wrecked. James was in his playpen and laughing, as his father... Laid in the middle of the floor, covered in bruises. Hermione gasped and dropped her briefcase as she ran to Harry's side.

"Harry! Harry, are you all right?! What happened?!" She cried. Her husband groaned.

"Shhh... It's here, Hermione, don't move!" He muttered.

"What? What's here?" She demanded.

Bzzzzz... Bzzz...

"DIE!" Harry bellowed, firing a spell at an errant fly. The bug dodged it, and every other spell Harry fired at the insect. James laughed and clapped at the pretty lights and the explosions, while Harry held Hermione close to him.

"HARRY!" Hermione squeaked, but her husband just held her tightly.

"Accio fly!" He cried, and the fly zipped at him... But then dodged his hand, buzzing on its way. "DAMNIT!"

Kreacher nonchalantly popped into the living room, looked around, and sighed.

"Would stupid Master like Kreacher to help him now?" Kreacher asked, exasperated.

"No, stupid master does NOT need Kreacher to help him now," Harry grumbled.

"Yes, stupid Master WILL let Kreacher help or Stupid Master will not see the inside of our bedroom for a week!" Hermione growled.

Harry sighed, and bowed his head.

"... Fine. Kreacher?"

The elf house snapped his fingers, and the fly vanished. He shook his head, looking amused.

"Don't say anything," Harry grumbled.

"Not a word, Master," Kreacher sniggered, before he popped away.


Ginny Weasley, Quidditch star for the Holyhead Harpies and fiance to one Draco Malfoy, sat at an outdoor Cafe with said fiance in Diagon Alley. They were arguing, which was not unusual for the couple.

"I'm just saying, you even considering the Cannons as a team for a few games is insane," Draco said earnestly, "what's wrong with the Harpies?"

"Ugh. I keep getting put into every game even when I'm exhausted because of my fame!" Ginny groaned. "I mean, seriously? I'm being run ragged between the games, the guest appearances-If I join the Cannons I'll have more free time!"

"But the Cannons are a joke!" Draco insisted. He sighed. "But if you want a less demanding schedule, why not just join my team? The Wiltshire Whirlwinds?"

Ginny shook her head.

"Oh yeah. The team my fiance owns. That won't look like nepotism or anything."

"It would give you more excuses to attend public events I choose," Draco said carefully, "or not choose to attend. And you're already sleeping with me."

Ginny blushed.

"Do you have to be so direct about it?!"

"You complain when I conceal my intentions and you complain when I don't," Draco sighed, taking a sip of his drink, "impossible woman."

"Arrogant arse," Ginny shot back with a loving grin. A loud disturbance went off and they both looked to the source, hands on their wands.

Ginny blinked as she spied a familiar looking man-tall, black haired, green eyed, muscular, with a baby in a baby carrier cooing on his chest. A few rough thugs were confronting him, their wands out.

"Oh geez, Harry," Ginny winced.

"Can't he go five minutes without getting into trouble?" Draco sighed.

"Potter!" The lead thug growled, "you're pretty hot shit in the UK, but you're nothin' now! Just a shitty wanker who lucked out when he took down Voldemort! Now, the Thule Society is gonna take over and-!"

Harry wasn't even paying attention. He checked his watch. The lead thug gaped.

"The hell is your problem, Potter?!" The thug demanded.

"I'm late for lunch," he stated, "with my beautiful wife."

He looked at them, and Draco and Ginny both shivered. The incredible power that burned in the young man filled the Alley. The thugs hesitated, looking very uncertain. The lead tried to muster some courage.

"Yeah? The mudblood who tamed you? What are-?"

Harry's magical aura became visible, and every one of the thugs fell to their knees in terror. Harry's glare was icy as his baby son laughed happily. He walked up to the leader, and rested a hand on his shoulder. The leader looked up, shaking.

"That word is not welcome here," he stated. "You should use your mouth for something better than dirtying the air." Harry reached inside his jacket. The thug wet himself and began to beg.

"H-Hey, sir, I didn't mean it! I-I just-I didn't-Please don't-!"

Draco rose, maybe hoping to talk Harry down. Ginny held his arm and shook her head.

"I can't just let him-!"

"Look," Ginny said. Draco did.

Harry had pulled out.. A chocolate candy in wrapping? The thug looked just as confused as Harry handed it to him.

"I need a taste tester," Harry said, "you think this chocolate is any good?"

The thug stared... Then took the chocolate. He popped it in his mouth, chewed, then swallowed.

"It's... Pretty darn good, uh, sir," the thug said. Harry glared.

"You aren't just lying to make me feel good, are you?" He growled. "I need honest feedback!"

"N-no, it's really good! Honest! Very nutty!" The thug squeaked. Harry nodded, satisfied.

"Good. Try making some yourself. There are classes at Honeydukes every Thursday night. You lot be there, or else."

"YES SIR!" The thugs all cried. Harry nodded, and headed off, cuddling his son to his chest.

Draco and Ginny watched him go. Draco blinked.

"... I saw it, and I still don't believe it," Draco muttered.

"Maybe you should try the chocolate making class," Ginny teased, "to stay in his good graces?"

"Hmph," Draco grunted.

"And mine?"

"Hmmm..."

It wasn't a no.