Crumple Horned Plot Bunnies

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Harry Potter or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.


The evening meal was in full blast when it happened. A figure stepped out of nothing and looked around. When I say nothing I mean nothing. Thin air. The very ether itself seemed to conjure him from whole cloth. All conversation stopped as the stranger looked around and sighed. He wore a trench coat and Stetson hat. Sunglasses hid his eyes and the outfit that they could see was a flannel shirt, blue jeans, and well-worn heavy boots He walked to the head table and spoke in a commanding voice that carried around the room.

"Access, Sigma Theta Four. Expose the Access authenticator unit. Command Prompt, Nightbreaker."His voice had a hint of an accent to it. Some would say it had a Texas twang to it. However, he ignored everyone as something happened.

A grinding noise filled the air. Before the staff table, a plinth rose from the floor. Made from the same stone as the rest of Hogwarts it opened up to reveal a handle in the middle of a bowl. The figure walked towards it rolling his sleeves up. Most of the students from not only Hogwarts but Beaubatons and Durmstrang could easily see there were no markings on his arms. The man reached forward and gripped the handle with his left hand. The plinth closed around it then he winced. It slid back open and then began sliding into the floor.

Nearby students could see dark red blood flowing from two puncture wounds. "Damn vampire. Not satisfied until you've had a quart." The man's voice had a hint of annoyance to it. The blood slowed to a trickle and then stopped completely as the two marks sealed themselves. His skin was flawless as if nothing had happened to his arm. There was a low rumble as if the castle itself was laughing. He rolled his sleeves down and then moved both hands forward. His fingers bent as if he was going to use a keyboard. "Command Access. Reveal settings and damage reports. I want a level seven diagnostic of all wards and defensive measures."

As he finished what looked like windows appeared before him. They glowed with an earthreal light. What's more, a flat panel appeared under his fingers. Said fingers flew over it lighting keys up as he looked at the windows and spoke, frowning " Half of the wards are down. Access Override. On my authority reactivate the dormant wards, gradually. Full strength to be reached in a fortnight's time. Who the hell let them slide?" He seemed to ask

Dumbledore finally spoke up. "Excuse me but whom are you, sir?"

Without looking at Dumbledore he spoke up, "Technical Support for the system known as Hogwarts. Sorry, I'm late but I was held up for a bit solving a mess with a wandering ley line nexus. Apparently, some idiots were trying to shift it away from Stonehenge...they had to be disciplined."

"Disciplined, why?" Hermione asked as the man kept working. The interfaces looked like something from Star Trek but she recognized several of the symbols as from ancient runes. He was idly flipping through them as he spoke.

"Altering the course of a Ley Line, forcefully, is BAD. Very Bad. " He replied eyes still focused on his task.

"How bad is Very Bad?" A Ravenclaw asked puzzled. Several of his classmates were curious as well.

"Atlantis was an industrial accident. It could have been prevented if the idiots hadn't tried getting a fourth line to join the other three. Needless to say, everyone knows how that turned out. The cleanup from it took a century. Stupid is as stupid does...and unfortunately, doorknobs begat doorknobs."

His eyes kept scanning the various windows as he spoke. "Authorize external scan. Full threat analysis for the local area out to established boundaries. Let's see what we have."

He stood there looking at the screens. "Merpeople, approved, giant squid, unusual but approved, Centaur herd, approved. Unicorn herd, approved. There is a class five predator infestation within ten klicks of the school. What damn fool let an Acromantula colony expand like that? We may very well need to use Gravy to kill one that size." He faced a different window and his hand shot up. He started touching runes on it as he spoke. "Authorization Four Four Eight Tree Nine. Gravity strike. Execute on my mark. Mark!"

The ceiling of the great hall reflected what was going on outside of the building. Outside the sky brightened as if the sun had arisen, early. Inside the hall, everyone heard the mournful howl of a wailing wind as it lashed against the walls of Hogwarts. In the ceiling of the great hall, a tall fiery mushroom slowly rose above the clouds as the earth around them shook The man nodded sagely. "Gravity strike confirmed. Looks like they nailed the main colony. Everything in that part of the forest should be properly neutralized. "

He sighed then turned back to the first window "Right...now for internal security." He leaned forward and started frowning again. He pushed the Stetson hat he was wearing up as he looked closer at one of the windows. Pointedly ignoring the Ravenclaws and their head of house furiously taking notes. His frown deepened.

"Deep scan, level three.," He taped something that seemed to be in his left ear and spoke normally," Albion, I'm seeing Class three fragments in the school. Deep scan school and verify. Then deep scan local area for others or potential links. We may have a problem...Because when I find a problem I like to solve it then and there rather than wait for it to sort itself out. You can either obey my orders or I will replace you with someone that will. I do not give a shake of my own tail that your uncle is on the council. You will obey."

The Slytherin table broke out into muted talking as did several of the other tables. One brave student spoke up. "Is it Sirius Black?"

The man shook his head no. "Nope this is..."He carefully looked at a screen. His mirrored sunglasses had fallen revealing his eyes. They were a strange golden color with vertically slit pupils, "Soul Jars? Some idiot created Soul Jars? Hogwarts, This is Nightbreaker. Lock Down immediately. One Soul Jar is nearby. A second non secured soul fragment is extremely close. Activate the Containment Wards, war strength. Authorization eight -two-four-two-six-two."

He tapped the earpiece again, " Fugitive Retrieval we have a Sigma Thirty happening. Send a recovery team. They have work to do."

He tapped it and rubbed his eyes. "They are not paying m enough for this shit."

Dumbledore sighed heavily, his head was in his hands. Minerva cocked an eye at this and spoke up. "Albus, do you know this man?"

Dumbledore sighed : "Yes I do. He is from Technical support. The last time he visited was in 1943. Poor headmaster Diggle spent weeks fixing the ulcer that caused. "

The man looked at the screens but spoke up, "Don't blame me. If you would only follow the safety procedures none of this would be necessary. I would come in, look around, defrag the Sorting Hat and be on my way."

Dumbledore froze at that," Wait, defrag the Sorting hat? "

The man nodded "Yes, defrag the Sorting hat. I didn't get a chance to defrag it properly last time. This means the OS is buggy as hell and the interface is out of whack. Depending on how badly it could have been putting students in the wrong house for years and no one would know."

"Jojo!" He called out aloud. With a pop, a house-elf appeared. The small creature was wearing a pillowcase with the Hogwarts crest on it. It turned to look at the towering human.

"What can Jojo be doing for master?"

Hermione was about to yell at the man when he spoke. "Gather together a work party of bored elves. The crater in the Forbidden Forest will need to be cleaned up, filled in and new trees planted. All in all, it should keep you busy for a month at least. Go to it"

The elf stared at the man. Wordlessly he snapped his fingers. Later a small shrine would be found for the giver of work. Up at the table, Dumbledore had his head in both hands. A bottle of fire whiskey beside himself. He looked at the bottle, then at a glass. He shrugged his shoulders and drank straight from the bottle without caring who was watching.

The next day

Albus looked the worst for wear. Especially since Minerva would not let him have a hangover potion. The man from the night before stood there and read from parchment.

"Anti-rape ward, repaired. Anti-bullying ward repaired. Anti cheating ward repaired. Hogwart's primary and secondary defensive wards were repaired. Hogwarts maintenance wards repaired. Sorting Hat defragged and brought back to factory spec. That was a nasty virus someone loaded into it. Thus the extra fee to repair it. Multiple soul fragments were collected from England. Multiple artifacts were cleansed. One idiot teenager cleaned of a loose soul bit. Teenaged drama tax. Ministry idiot tax. Spiteful Goblin tax. Annoying Greasy git tax. All together the Ministry of Magic owes IT the following amount."

The man handed Albus the parchment. He read it over, his eyes went wide. Then he passed out in a faint. The technician looked at the assembled people. "Contacting IT more often than once every Fifty years will save you funds in the long run. You have the contact information for Customer Service. I suggest you use it. It is at the bottom of the bill for your own records. Good day, and keep safe."

He turned and like before vanished into thin air as if he never was there.


Don't mess with Magical IT. Written by Typhonis.