Crumple Horned Plot Bunnies

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Harry Potter or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.


A few more snippets of ideas put together into one chapter. Enjoy!


When it comes to genderbending fics, the point is to try to "resolve the UST" between Harry and Draco or whatever by making Draco into... DRAQUEESHA!

Instead this seems like the most perfect comedy premise ever...


Draqueesha: "How do I girl?"

None of the Slytherin girls want to get involved in this hot mess.

Draqueesha: "How am girl work?"

Ravenclaw girls opt out.

Draqueesha: "Girl."

Hufflepuff girls firmly, but politely ask her to leave.

Draqueesha: "And so I'm here, asking for your help-"

Hermione: "Well, if no one else is, I guess I have no choice."

Draqueesha: "-Lavender Brown."

Lavender: *gasp* "Really?!"

Hermione: "Wait what?!"

Draqueesha: "Hermione, I may have been a girl for less than a week, but if you teach me, it will be the one eyed girl leading the blind. I appreciate it, but when I find someone, I'll ask if you can take lessons too."

Hermione punches Draqueesha in the face.

Ron laughs.

Draqueesha: "See. This is what I'm talking about. Girls slap. Also ow. Bitch."


And hey, after how badly Lavender was treated by Rowling, why not give her some fun adventures?

Speaking of characters who got shafted, one fun thing for Ron that I haven't seen is him to be a bit of a Troll. Exploiting his friends' lack of knowledge about the magical world for a few pranks. Such as...


Hence why I try to write him as someone other than Rowling's punching bag. I'm still not shipping him with Hermione but I'm not gonna just bash him.

Ron: "Oh crap Hermione! Harry just saved you! Again! You're magically bound now!"

Hermione: "Wait what?"

Ron: "You're basically married."

Hermione and Harry: "WAIT WHAT?!"

Ron: "It's in the Potter Grimoire right here. My mum got it out of your vault for you, Harry. See? You're listed as Hermione Potter!"

Hermione: "I-I can't be-!"

McGonnagal: *walks in* "I can't believe you two didn't tell me! And honestly Miss Granger-I thought you would be sensible enough to use protection!"

Hermione: "That's not-I didn't-!"

Harry: "Who so we talk to to sort this out?!"

McGonnagal: "Try Mister Snuffles. I'm sure he'll have some idea..."

Harry and Hermione race up to Harry's dorm. "McGonnagal" turns back into Tonks and grins at Ron.

Tonks: "Okay. You were right. This is fun."

Ron: "Right?"


There are a few "Harry Has Amnesia" fics. What are some fun twists that can be done with that classic trope?

Well, ideally, it can act like real trauma-related amnesia...

Harry wakes up, rubbing his temples. He looks around the Hospital Wing.

Harry: "Ugh... What the hell happened? Where's my broom? Hello? Madam Pomfrey?"

Pomfrey: "Oh! Hello Mister Potter! How are you feeling?"

Harry: "Confused? I mean, last thing I remember is grabbing the Snitch and then-"

Pomfrey: "Wait! You remember what happened two days ago?"

Harry: "Two days?! I've been out for two days?!"

Pomfrey: "Yes, Mister Potter. The first day you woke up, you couldn't remember... Well, anything. At all. Your episodic memory was completely gone, due to that Bludger you took to the face being overloaded with magic."

Harry: "Oh geez... I couldn't remember anything?!"

Pomfrey: "Not a thing! Not your name, not your life. Your friends were very concerned, even though I told them it was likely temporary. Good to know it was, eh?"

Harry: "True... Did I do anything embarrassing while I didn't remember anything?"

Pomfrey is about to speak... When Ron Weasley walks in, looking apologetic.

Ron: "Hey Mate. I'm glad you're feeling better. You were right! I should have thought of how to get rich on my merits! So I talked to the goblins through Bill, sold off the basilisk to be harvested, and split up the proceeds! You got 50%, because ya killed the thing, but I took 20%-Still more than enough to make my dreams come true!" He sniffled and hugged him. "Even without your memory, you're a better friend than me! Thank you!"

Harry: "Errr..."

Snape walked in next. He dismissed Ron with a wave of his hand, and sat down next to Harry.

Snape: "Madam Pomfrey-"

Pomfrey: "I know, I know, privacy."

Pomfrey gave Harry a wink and escorted the still weeping Ron away. Harry blinked at Snape, who was looking strangely... Apologetic? What?

Snape: "Harry... I truly wish I could have been the proper friend I should have been to your mother. And to you. Thank you for listening to me, yesterday." He sighed. "I realize what I was doing and how horrible I was to you. Please, forgive me, and I will earn your trust. As your mother would have wanted."

Harry: "Um..." Nods "Certainly, Professor? Sorry, I'm still... A little all over the place."

Snape: "Understandable. I can't change too much, mind you, given I must keep up appearances for the Dark Lord but... Thank you for your forgiveness. That means more to me than you can imagine."

He then gives Harry literally the most uncomfortable hug in history, and stalks off with his robes waving behind him. Harry shook his head in disbelief.

Harry: "How could things possibly get any weirder?"

Hermione, Daphne Greengrass, Susan Bones, Ginny Weasley, Katie Bell, and Luna Lovegood walk into the room. Hermione flushed, but nodded firmly.

Hermione: "Hello Harry. After a great deal of discussion, we've decided that we're all willing to share you as our boyfriend."

Harry: "..."

Luna: "I drew up a schedule! I made it in crayon!"


And a bit more for the Magical Alliance. You see, people will start to work together to protect themselves. Vampires, Muggleborn, Werewolves, and other "undesirables". So guess what happens when Death Eaters try to attack these homes?


Lucius, Crabbe and Goyle break into a Muggleborn woman's house for a bit of rape and murder. They smash through a television that a gentleman with smoky glasses and long black hair was watching.

The gentleman sucked in a deep breath through his nose, and then spoke in a monotone.

"...That was a 70-inch... plasma screen TV." He took another deep breath, then smiled cheerfully at the intruders.

"...So, how can I help you?"

"You must be the great Alucard," Lucius said sarcastically.

"Suup."

"I've heard quite a lot about you," Lucius sneered.

Alucard grinned pleasantly.

"Oh really?"

"An Infamous vampire lord, the scourge of Moldovia, the Oncoming Bloodstorm," Lucius recited, as though being respectful.

"Oh, you dirty bitch, work the shaft!" Alucard gasped.

Crabbe and Goyle continued to resemble confused trolls. Lucius' eyebrow twitched.

"Ex...cuse you?"

"Oh I'm sorry, I, heh, I like to dirty talk when someone's sucking my dick!" Alucard snickered.

"Perhaps I should just skip to my point," Lucius sighed, "My name is Lucius Malfoy-"

"And I'm Carmen Sandiego. Guess where I am!" Alucard chirped. Lucius scowled

"You dunce! We're here to kill you and your bitch wife! I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here!"

Alucard nodded, faux sadly.

"Oh, so am I. And I'm failing. And I'm sorry for that. It's just that I'm so agitated, because this blonde little shit strolled into my house, destroyed my 70-inch plasma TV, threatened my family, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father!"

Lucius pulled his wand on Alucard. The vampire had a truly huge handgun leveled at them with a sharp toothed grin.

"Be a sport and grab Daddy another beer, would you?"


A good twist on Sirius making Harry his heir would be...


Harry: "You did it so that I would have to sit in Wizenmagot meetings and do paperwork and be bored to death!"

Sirius: "You really should have looked over the paperwork before you signed it, Harry." Grins

Harry: "Damnit Padfoot!"

Sirius: "HA! Gotcha

Harry really hated his godfather for doing this to him.

Though when he got to the Wizengamot chambers, he noticed something strange.

It was full of people.

This would not be such a strange thing, seeing as it was usually full of people, but the strange thing about today was that it was full of his classmates instead of older members.

He saw Neville, Draco, Susan Bones, Daphne Greengrass and a bunch of others he both recognized immediately and some he vaguely remembered seeing at the school.

It then dawned on him.

Harry: "Your parents or guardians gave you their seats here so that they can fuck off and do whatever they like, right?"

Everyone: "Yes!"


Get to writing!