Crumple Horned Plot Bunnies
By Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Harry Potter or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.
Set in Year 7 so Harry's definitely of age, not that it really matters here but I thought I'd make that clear.
Harry had gone to face Voldemort alone, and predictably, he'd gotten Avada Kedavra'd. And now he was standing in an ethereal tube station with Dumbledore.
Harry: "Eh?! Professor-!"
Dumbledore: "It's all right Harry. In answer to your questions, yes, I am dead. And you are... Not quite dead. But at last, my evil plan is complete!"
Harry: "Evil plan?!"
Dumbledore: "Well, you've been wondering what your life will be like post-Voldemort, aren't you? In truth, you would be miserable! Aimless! Utterly destroyed as a human being! I've beaten and molded you into a good little martyr, and now you have sacrificed yourself. Voldemort is now mortal. And as such, now comes the final act! Your body has no soul right now. A soul can return, and that will be my soul!"
Harry: "WHAT?!"
Dumbledore: "It's perfect! I will take over where I stopped, as the new savior of the Wizarding World! And with the loving Weasley family! I will marry Miss Weasley and everything will be happy, ever after! She even looks like a boy, so it won't be too hard of a transition to make-!"
There is the sound of a subway train arriving.
Harry: "Yeah, that's great, but your evil plan failed to account for one little detail."
Dumbledore: "Hm? That's impossible! I calculated everything! Perfectly! PERFECTLY!"
Harry pointed at the nearby train trolley that had just arrived, Sirius, Lily, James, and many, MANY other dearly departed people of Harry's piled out, looking angry.
Dumbledore: "Wha-But the Death Stone isn't real! It's a fraud!"
Harry: happily "Apparently, you were wrong about that since I was calling for help through the Ring the whole time."
Dumbledore: "You were?!"
Harry: "I was."
Lily: "Go on back to your body, Harry dear. We don't expect to see you here for a very long time, understand?"
Harry: "Yes Mum."
James: "Be happy, Harry. Live your life as you choose, not as anyone else chooses."
Harry: "Yes Dad."
Sirius: "And shag a lot of witches, will ya? Ask an older one to show you the ropes: I suggest Madame Rosmerta. Or Fleur's mum, you have a life debt you can work there. Or Narcissa-Her husband hasn't touched her in decades after she went through courtesan training. She's gonna be pent up."
Harry: "All right Sirius! Bye everyone! See you when I die! Except you, Professor. Enjoy your stay in Hell!"
Dumbledore: gulps at all the angry souls now surrounding him "I don't think I will!"
Harry: "GOOD!"
A twist on the Evil!Dumbledore trope. Hope you enjoy it.
