Crumple Horned Plot Bunnies

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Harry Potter or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.


The Cursed Child is awful, no doubt about that. But here's a better take on the elements within it: Harry and Hermione find out about Delphini, and after taking down Voldemort and Bellatrix, they are left with this baby. Harry would feel kind of responsible for Delphini. Deserved or not, he made her an orphan. But he would have to hide her parentage. And there's only one girl he's spent a long enough time alone with that year who could be the mother...


Harry: "Hermione... I know it's huge. But there's no one else I can trust. I'll do anything."

Hermione: "Harry... I will. But who is going to believe this is our daughter?"

Ginny walks up. As does Ron.

Ginny: "Harry? Hermione? Why do you have a baby?"

Harry: "Uhhh... She's an orphan. Whom Hermione and I found. And we're adopting her."

Ginny's eyes wideed... wider... Then she smirks. Ron's eyes also widen, and he looks crestfallen but accepting.

Ginny: "Ohhhh. I get it. You two 'found her'. Right. Sure. Ah well. You'd better take care of him, Hermione."

Ron: *eyes widen* "... Well. I guess that's on me."

Hermione: *frustrated* "No, she's really not our baby!"

Ron: "I get it guys. I did run out on you, and... I'll be a great uncle for her, I-I swear!"

Hermione: "SHE'S NOT OUR BABY!"

Ginny: "We're not jealous, Hermione! And congratulations! She's adorable!"

Ron: "Yeah. Enjoy dirty nappies and nagging, Harry! You two married?"

Harry: "Er, no-"

Ron: "Don't worry! We'll tell everyone so she won't be a bastard!"

Hermione: "RON! SHE'S NOT OUR BABY!"

Ron: "Pfft. Who's is she then, You-Know-Who and Bellatrix's? Come on Ginny!"

They run off.

Hermione: "We literally told them the truth!"

Harry: "Yup. When has that ever worked out for us before?"

Hermione: "... Wizards are fucking stupid."

Harry: "Language!"