Crumple Horned Plot Bunnies
By Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Harry Potter or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.
Dumbledore's shit out of luck when one of his DADA professors is removed early. Fudge wants to try out a Prison Work Release Program from Azkaban... And Dumbledore needs a DADA teacher. And as it turns out, there are several inmates in Azkaban who got "Os" or "O+s" in DADA...
Most of whom were Death Eaters, of course.
Bellatrix Lestrange, in somewhat decent robes and a large, silver, rune covered collar, is taking roll call in the DADA class. Her eyebrow twitches as she reads the names off.
Bellatrix Lestrange: "... Potter, Harry."
Potter: "Present! And totally killed your master!"
Bellatrix: "You little-!" Is shocked to within an inch of her life "AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!"
Neville: "Huh..."
Harry: "Not even sure why she skipped you."
Bellatrix: "You're the Longbottom brat?! I'll have you know I-GRAARRRAAAAARAAAAHHHHH!"
Harry: "Oh. Now I'm sure."
Neville: "You know? It's not me torturing her, but it's still close to my fantasy. If only Snape was screaming alongside her."
Bellatrix rises, smoking a bit from her hair.
Bellatrix: "Wait a minute-Snape is a teacher here?! Dumbledore let SNAPE near children?!"
Harry: "He's let you near children, hasn't he?"
Bellatrix: "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, he's mad. Utterly mad!"
Ron: "That's what I said."
Later...
Harry: "You wished to see me, Professor?"
Bellatrix's office is the same as the other DADA professors, but everything is like a child's playroom. With toys, and dolls, and a tea party set Bellatrix was sitting at.
Bellatrix: "Come in, Potter."
Harry: looks around as he sits at the table "... This is disturbing."
Bellatrix: brightly "Isn't it? I love it myself. I got so few privileges despite my station, but at least I got this."
Harry: "Well, not like you don't deserve it, given you're a murderous psychopath."
Bellatrix: "Fuck you Potter-ARRRGH! You're a Halfblood-GGAAAHHHH! stubborn little pissant-EEYYYAHHH-my Lord will return and murder you-HIYYYAAAHHHGGG!"
Harry: "So! What can I do for you, Professor?"
Bellatrix: twitch "I wanted... To say... Your grades... Are exceptional, for a halfblood whelp-GAARRRGGH!"
Harry: "Really?" sips some tea
Bellatrix: "Yes, your skills as a leader make you a dangerous threat to my Lord. Clearly you will be a formidable foe upon his return. I will ensure your death reflects this-GGGAAHHHHH!"
Harry: "Can you be more specific, Professor?"
Bellatrix: "Ahem. Your mastery over the Patronus charm is exceptional. Your progress on Silent Casting is easily O material. Your use of transfiguration in battle is quite impressive. All of which I will pass on to my Master when he returns so he knows how to murder yo-ARRRRGGGGHHH!"
Harry: "Really? That's great! I have been working hard on Charms and Transfiguration too."
Bellatrix: "Yes, the work you've put in reflects this. You clearly know how to handle your wand-ARRRGGH! I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!"
Harry: sips tea "Anything else, Professor?"
Bellatrix: "Haa... Haa... You know, if you weren't some halfblood whelp-HRRK-I might find you admirable."
Harry: "Well, your Master's a halfblood too. You worship the ground he walked on despite him being the son of a Muggle and an inbred Squib, so I figure you must at least like me."
Bellatrix: "YOU BASTARD WHELP-GRAAAAAHHHHH!"
Harry: "Haa, I could do this all day."
