Crumple Horned Plot Bunnies

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Harry Potter or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.


Dumbledore's shit out of luck when one of his DADA professors is removed early. Fudge wants to try out a Prison Work Release Program from Azkaban... And Dumbledore needs a DADA teacher. And as it turns out, there are several inmates in Azkaban who got "Os" or "O+s" in DADA...

Most of whom were Death Eaters, of course.


Bellatrix Lestrange, in somewhat decent robes and a large, silver, rune covered collar, is taking roll call in the DADA class. Her eyebrow twitches as she reads the names off.

Bellatrix Lestrange: "... Potter, Harry."

Potter: "Present! And totally killed your master!"

Bellatrix: "You little-!" Is shocked to within an inch of her life "AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!"

Neville: "Huh..."

Harry: "Not even sure why she skipped you."

Bellatrix: "You're the Longbottom brat?! I'll have you know I-GRAARRRAAAAARAAAAHHHHH!"

Harry: "Oh. Now I'm sure."

Neville: "You know? It's not me torturing her, but it's still close to my fantasy. If only Snape was screaming alongside her."

Bellatrix rises, smoking a bit from her hair.

Bellatrix: "Wait a minute-Snape is a teacher here?! Dumbledore let SNAPE near children?!"

Harry: "He's let you near children, hasn't he?"

Bellatrix: "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, he's mad. Utterly mad!"

Ron: "That's what I said."

Later...

Harry: "You wished to see me, Professor?"

Bellatrix's office is the same as the other DADA professors, but everything is like a child's playroom. With toys, and dolls, and a tea party set Bellatrix was sitting at.

Bellatrix: "Come in, Potter."

Harry: looks around as he sits at the table "... This is disturbing."

Bellatrix: brightly "Isn't it? I love it myself. I got so few privileges despite my station, but at least I got this."

Harry: "Well, not like you don't deserve it, given you're a murderous psychopath."

Bellatrix: "Fuck you Potter-ARRRGH! You're a Halfblood-GGAAAHHHH! stubborn little pissant-EEYYYAHHH-my Lord will return and murder you-HIYYYAAAHHHGGG!"

Harry: "So! What can I do for you, Professor?"

Bellatrix: twitch "I wanted... To say... Your grades... Are exceptional, for a halfblood whelp-GAARRRGGH!"

Harry: "Really?" sips some tea

Bellatrix: "Yes, your skills as a leader make you a dangerous threat to my Lord. Clearly you will be a formidable foe upon his return. I will ensure your death reflects this-GGGAAHHHHH!"

Harry: "Can you be more specific, Professor?"

Bellatrix: "Ahem. Your mastery over the Patronus charm is exceptional. Your progress on Silent Casting is easily O material. Your use of transfiguration in battle is quite impressive. All of which I will pass on to my Master when he returns so he knows how to murder yo-ARRRRGGGGHHH!"

Harry: "Really? That's great! I have been working hard on Charms and Transfiguration too."

Bellatrix: "Yes, the work you've put in reflects this. You clearly know how to handle your wand-ARRRGGH! I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!"

Harry: sips tea "Anything else, Professor?"

Bellatrix: "Haa... Haa... You know, if you weren't some halfblood whelp-HRRK-I might find you admirable."

Harry: "Well, your Master's a halfblood too. You worship the ground he walked on despite him being the son of a Muggle and an inbred Squib, so I figure you must at least like me."

Bellatrix: "YOU BASTARD WHELP-GRAAAAAHHHHH!"

Harry: "Haa, I could do this all day."