Crumpled Horned Plot Bunnies
A Harry Potter fanfic by Andrew Joshua Talon
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. Harry Potter is the property of J. K. Rowling and Warner Brothers, please support the official release.
Vernon Dursley would admit, in his heart of hearts, he was a flawed man. He had done bad things, and failed in some pretty key ways. As a husband, as a father, maybe even as an uncle.
He didn't think he deserved to be punished for it by taking a wrong turn in Scotland while trying to find the bloody school his bloody magical nephew went to.
"I still can't believe we're going after him," Vernon grumbled.
"Those freaks tried to kill him, we saw it ourselves in London," Petunia said, "I couldn't face Lily again in death if we didn't at least try to find out if he was all right."
"Maybe it's not that bad?" Dudley managed, shrugging in the back seat. "He's not some little waif, ya know. Not anymore."
"Nothing ever goes right when we get involved with those sort anyway, Pet," Vernon explained, as they pulled around a corner of the forest road. Their headlamps illuminated a dead end. Vernon grunted as they read the sign on a fence blocking the dead end: "Road Out", with only some deserted ruins beyond in the fading sunlight.
"Well, there you go Pet," Vernon stated, "just a sign and ruins-"
"It's magic, Vernon," Petunia scoffed, "it's supposed to fool us!"
They got out. Dudley walked out to the sign, and frowned as he reached out to touch it.
"It feels... Like it's not even there! This is weird..." Dudley muttered.
"Don't touch that, Dudley! You don't know what it is!" Petunia cried.
All of a sudden, a red star slammed into their Jaguar... And it exploded. Dark figures approached them carrying wands. The Dursleys screamed and huddled together, Vernon trying to shield them with his body. In another moment, a rickety old Anglia stormed in, and its doors opened. Not particularly caring about where this savior had come from, the Dursleys barreled in. Vernon got behind the wheel, and held on as the car shot off through the illusionary sign...
And straight into a war zone, where hundreds of wizards and witches were firing off spells at one another. The Anglia grunted, cranked, growled, and then took to the air!
The Dursleys, as they had been from the start, screamed in terror.
"You? You can't be alive!" Voldemort cried, gaping in disbelief at the resurrected Harry Potter.
"Yes Tom, it's me!" Harry cried.
Harry was about to launch into an incredible speech, before he ended Voldemort's reign of terror once and for all... When a familiar Ford Anglia flew through the windows of the Great Hall. Voldemort's eyes were the widest they'd ever been, just before the car slammed right into him and crushed him into a bloody smear on the stone tile floor.
The driver's side door opened... And a large, middle aged man with a huge mustache staggered out. Harry's jaw dropped almost to the floor.
"Uncle Vernon?!" He gasped.
"Boy... What... The bloody hell..." Vernon slumped against the Anglia, trying to catch his breath. Petunia and Dudley stumbled out of the car, also looking terrified, dirty, and exhausted.
"Does this thing run on?!" Vernon demanded. "It kept going for two hours! How the... What the... What are you lot of freaks all staring at?!"
"Uncle Vernon," Harry began, "you... Just killed Voldemort!"
Vernon blinked.
"Uh... It wasn't my fault!" Vernon immediately shouted. "He came right out in front of us and the car-"
"OUR SAVIOR!" The wizards and witches cried, clamoring around him. They shook his hand, they kissed his feet, they hugged and laughed. They did the same to Petunia and Dudley.
Vernon glared at Harry.
"BOY! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL-?!"
"You're a hero, Uncle Vernon! A hero to all wizards and witches everywhere!" Harry laughed.
Vernon's face purpled in his rage, as grateful wizards and witches applauded and lavished praise on him.
"What have you to say, Vernon Dursley, our hero?" A witch asked breathlessly.
"... Bugger!"
