Crumpled Horned Plot Bunnies

A Harry Potter fanfic by Andrew Joshua Talon

DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. Harry Potter is the property of J. K. Rowling and Warner Brothers, please support the official release.


A chapter written by guest writer Thamerlin:

After reading Daphne as Komi, I wanted to see Daphne as a different communication-deficient heroine. So I wrote it.

Daphne the Rock


Five tickets. Five tickets! Mom, Dad, Astoria, Mollipru… and still one left. How was she ever going to sell a ticket when she couldn't even look a person in the eye?

Mom and Dad had bought two tickets, but then… Astoria couldn't go! She was at Hogwarts! She wasn't able to go to Hogsmead weekends yet! Mom said she couldn't go to a duelling competition yet! Two tickets left!

And then Astoria reminded her that Mollipru was a dog, and wouldn't be able to go either! Three tickets! That was an insurmountable obstacle!

"What? You couldn't even sell three tickets?" Susan mocked. "Hannah and I both sold ours the first day, and Tracy's sold three dozen! We don't need a weight like you slowing us down."

"Yeah, get out of here, loser," Hannah joined in. "We've already found a much better anchor for the team. She's outgoing, too!"

"See Garter?" said Tracy. "This is our new friend. She's much better than you!"

The blonde with star-shaped sunglasses threw up a peace sign, and magic blazed around her like fireworks. "So long, loser!"

That's how it would happen, Daphne knew it. She stared down at her feet, and then stepped out of the donut-shaped rut she'd worn in the lawn. Oh, dear. She'd better get out of here before Hagrid showed up. Maybe she could sell a ticket to the Giant Squid? Did squids have money? It had to have… like, treasure chests down in the Black Lake, right? Or… there were merpeople down there, weren't there? They'd probably stolen all the Giant Squid's money, just to be sure that it couldn't buy tickets from socially stunted girls like her.

Daphne picked up a rock from between the roots of a tree on the shore, and chucked it into the lake. Stupid thieving merpeople.

"Bad day?" said a voice from the tree.

Daphne spun, only now seeing a boy slumped against the lake-side of the tree, peering out at the lake through drawn-up knees, his hands clasped in his lap. That was… was that Potter? He looked terrible. His eyes had dark shadows under them, and his robes were almost as dishevelled as his hair.

…was Harry Potter an alcoholic?

"Yeah, I understand bad days," Potter said. "I've got this blistering headache, and the pink toad isn't helping. I was hoping some fresh air off the lake would help."

Pink toad? Was that some sort of hangover cure?

"Hey, is that a wand holster?" Potter asked, pointing.

Daphne froze. Oh, no, her robe sleeve had ridden up, revealing the duelling holster on her wrist. "Wh-what? Oh, this, this is just some old thing. I thought I'd try wearing it, but it's totally not me, I think I'll sell it, or maybe just throw it away," - oh Merlin, she was babbling - "in fact I should probably go do that now, nice to meet you, goodbye!" She spun and fled two steps before slipping on the muddy bank and fell flat on her face, the flyers for the duelling contest flying out of her robes to flutter in the air.


"So you're in a duelling team, and you're having your first contest in Hogsmead next weekend?" Potter asked, reading the flyers she'd made to try to sell her tickets.

Daphne nodded miserably, refusing to look up at the Gryffindor golden boy.

"You think you're good enough to be a duellist?" he scoffed. "I fought a basilisk when I was twelve, and a dragon when I was fourteen. What makes you think you have any right to call yourself a duellist?" He grabbed her wrist and yanked her wand from the holster. "Learn your place!" he said, snapping her wand in half.

"That's so cool!" Potter said.

Daphne blinked, uncurling from around her wand.

"So what are the flyers for? I mean, I'm definitely happy to learn about this - I didn't even know there was a duelling circuit in Hogsmead. I'd love to check it out!"

Harry Potter wanted to check out the duelling circuit? Harry Potter wanted to check out her duelling contest? Daphne flopped over on her back, all strength leaving her body.

"Oi, I just scourgified your robes, don't immediately get them dirty again!"

"I have to sell three tickets," Daphne mumbled.

"What's that?"

"I have to sell three tickets to pay for the entry fee for our team," She explained. "And I'm too scared to ask anyone."

"Huh, is that normal for duelling contests?"

Daphne nodded. "It helps pay for the venue."

Potter shrugged. "That makes sense, I guess."

Daphne lay bonelessly on her back, staring at the blue, cloudless sky. Maybe if she just lay here long enough, dirt and snow and grass would cover her, and then she'd just be a lump of earth on the Hogwarts lawn. That seemed like it might be pleasant.

"I think I've got an idea," said Potter. Then he drew his wand, and cast. "Expecto Patronum!"

Daphne's eyes bulged as a ghostly stag took shape, towering over her. It was huge!

"Hey, Hermione, could you meet me in the Quad?" Potter asked the stag. "Thanks!" And then the stag shot away towards the castle, and Potter was leaning over her, holding out an arm. "Come on!"

Daphne grabbed his hand out of reflex, and was still somewhat dazed as he hauled her across the lawn toward the castle. What was even going on?

She was still confused when they entered the Quad, just in time to see a brown-haired witch with hair like a stormcloud rush out to meet them.

"Really, Harry, Prongs is far too big for the Library! Madam Pince was furious! What were you thinking?"

Potter laughed. "Sorry, Hermione, I got a little excited. This is… what was your name again?"

Daphne shrunk. "I'm Garter - I mean, I'm a grass - I'm green… mrphl."

Granger looked wearily between them. "Harry, this is Daphne. She's in my Arithmancy class. Daphne, I apologise on Harry's behalf. What has he dragged you into?"

Daphne shrugged.

"Oh, that's what is so exciting! Hermione, Daphne's on a duelling team! They're going to be having a contest this next Hogsmead weekend, and she's trying to sell tickets to go see the match!"

"Huh," Granger said shortly, examining Daphne more closely.

Daphne gave her the brightest smile she could, which may have been able to compete with a 40 Watt bulb if the battery was running out.

"That's quite impressive," Granger continued, and Daphne sighed in relief. "What did you need me for?"

"I need you to be a referee for an exhibition duel!"

"What?"

Daphne thought her life might be flashing before her eyes. Yes, there was the day Astoria was born. That was the day she saw that newspaper article about Dumbledore and Potter, comparing how they both rose to power from obscurity. There was the day Susan shanghaied her into the duelling team. Good bye cruel world, she knew you hardly…

"Do you know the shield spell?" Granger asked.

Daphne blinked, and cast the protego without really thinking about it.

Potter whistled. "Silently, and that was bloody smooth wandwork! Nicely done!"

Daphne blushed.

"Alright," Granger said, "since this is just for show, we'll go to shield break. If I say stop, stop, got it?" She glared at them.

Daphne nodded furiously.

"Yeah, you got it, Hermione." Then Potter raised his wand and let off a cannon blast. "Hey, everyone, this is Daphne. She's selling tickets to a duelling competition next Hogsmead weekend in support of Duelling Team 'Spirit' - wow, cool team name, Daphne!"

Daphne wondered how Potter would react when he discovered the team name was "Team Spirit" not just "Spirit." Hannah liked the joke way too much.

"We're going to do a little exhibition match here, to give you a bit of a taste of what you might see then! Daphne and I will each cast a shield, and then we'll cast until one shield breaks! So if you could clear the walks there and there, so we don't accidentally overshoot and hit someone? Thanks!"

Oh, Merlin, she was going to be duelling Harry Potter? In front of the whole school? She was going to die!

Granger tugged on her sleeve. "Hey, calm down. See Harry? He's having fun. More fun than I think he's had this whole last month. This is just for fun. Show off, have a good time. Strut your stuff. There's no pressure here. Even the audience is rooting for you." Then she moved off to the side to take the referee position. "Duellists, are you ready?"

Harry gave her a beaming grin. She returned a shaky smile.

"Shields up!" Granger called. Both duellists' shields sprang into being.

"Give him hell, Greengrass!" came a shout from the audience.

Daphne blinked. Was that Ernie Macmillan? Why was he cheering for her? She was duelling Harry Potter!

"Yeah, you can take him!" cheered… Ginny Weasley?

"Duellists begin!" Granger called, but Daphne was so baffled that she almost took Potter's stunning strike to the face. Only her incessant training prevented an instant loss as reflex took over and a levitated leaf caught the spell, dispersing it harmlessly before it hit her shield.

Two steps left, wrist flick and pull, then duck right and back with a vertical slash, a modified Prewitt Fade, and she had brought their momentum back into equilibrium. She started running drills, the back and forth of spellfire almost as steady as a metronome. Her eyes fixed on her opponent… no, there was no pressure there. Potter, Harry, was clearly under no pressure either. This wasn't a competition, this was an exhibition - more a dance than a fight. His face was lit up in a giant grin, lit weirdly by the coloured flashes of spellfire.

She gave him a tentative smile… and then picked up the pace. His eyes widened, but his grin grew even fiercer, and he moved even faster.

In seconds, they were both casting at actual duelling speed, no longer any time to plan or scheme, only act, react, and reflex. The crowd may have been cheering, booing, or silent, but in the flow state, Daphne couldn't tell. There was nothing but the magic, the rhythm, and Harry…

And then it was over. Her shield shattered, and Granger's wand flashed like lightning, briefly blinding everyone. "Match complete!" Granger's voice shouted. "Duellists hold fire!"

Daphne blinked spots out of her eyes, until she could finally see again. Across the courtyard, Harry grinned like a madman. His shield was gone. Had it been gone before the match was called? Daphne couldn't remember. Surely not? He was Harry Potter.

Granger beckoned them to the middle, and had them shake hands, which Harry did with obvious enthusiasm.

Granger cast sonorus, then spoke. "By the mutual breaking of shields, I declare this exhibition match a draw. Congratulations to our duelists!"

Daphne was startled as a much bigger crowd than she remembered cheered wildly. Oh Merlin, that was a lot of people.

And then Susan Bones charged out of the crowd, Hannah and Tracy on her heels. "Bloody hell, Garter, what a show!" Susan wrapped her in a hug. "What was that all about?"

"I had to sell tickets," Daphne mumbled.

"Oh, that's right," Harry said, and cast his own sonorus. "Hey, everyone, if you liked the show, there's going to be a real match in Hogsmead next weekend! You can get tickets from Daph-"

He was cut off as Tracy clapped a hand over his mouth. "You can get tickets from anyone from Team Spirit! I think Daphne might be a little tuckered out after that, but we're all here to support our teammate!" she shouted. And the crowd surged forward.

Susan and Hannah shuffled Daphne off into a corner to hyperventilate quietly, where she was shortly joined by Granger and Harry.

"Sorry, Daphne, I didn't mean to crowd you like that," Harry said contritely. "Goodness knows how often I wish no one knew my name."

"Can we still buy tickets from you?" asked Granger - Hermione. She grinned at Daphne. "I think you said you still had to sell three tickets, right?"