A/N: Several of you asked in the comments if the story was over, and if you were hoping it was, then I'm so sorry to
disappoint you haha.
BTW, if you read the prior version of this story, there are some small tweaks.
Kidnapped
Dissociating
When I got home, I felt like a ghost. I knew I should make an effort to assuage Charlie's concerns, but I couldn't seem to touch reality. I walked past him to my room, feeling guilty for my negligence. Everything felt strange, as if the world had tilted three degrees on its axis - but I was the only one who could see it. I tried to connect with the world, but I couldn't seem to get my eyes to adjust. I shut the bathroom door and slid to the floor. I couldn't possibly shut my eyes. The world trembled and blurred in and out of focus.
A strange rumbling added to the earthquake in my mind. I thought I might be shaking, trembling. It occurred to me I was going into shock, but I couldn't process the concept. I don't know how long I sat there on my bathroom floor, but my legs were numb from the chill of the tile, bottom sore from the awkward angle.
The rumbling got louder, and I realized the rumbling was the shower that I'd started and forgotten.
I stood and began to undress.
As I did so, I caught a movement in the corner of my eye -
I screamed at my reflection, stumbling back only to trip on the lip of the shower. My head hit the tile with a painful crack. Pain shot through my skull as the steaming stream of water choked me.
"Ngh," I grumbled, my vision gone black with pain - not that I would be able to see much with the water pounding my face.
For a moment I just submitted to it, gave in to the assault of feelings - hot water in my face, throbbing pain on my skull, ice cold tile pressed against my side - until I gained the motivation to pull myself back up again.
I stood shakily but my commitment to take a real shower dwindled. My eyes squeezed shut, I haphazardly rubbed soap over my body and slammed the faucet. I couldn't tell if it was my body or the water that felt like it was boiling but my tolerance was shot. Keeping my eyes tightly shut, I waved my arms wildly till they found my towel. I continued the hygiene routine in this way, groping in the darkness of my self-imposed blindness, the concept of sight too overwhelming for my fragile state.
Soon enough I was bundled in layers and layers of clothes, curled beneath every spare quilt in the house on a bed crowded with tearstained pillows.
1:07.
1:08.
1:09.
1:10.
1:11.
1:12.
I groaned.
The minutes on my clock could not go any slower.
I felt hot and cold and sticky and my numbness was fading. I felt a building pressure, a building momentum that felt impossible to escape. My skin was crawling and I wanted to do something…drastic.
I rolled from the mattress until my knees hit the wooden floor with a solid thunk. The pain was a sharp jolt that eradicated the last of my numb reprieve.
I swore.
The fervent, overwhelming panic was threatening everything in me and I craved rationality. My eyes sprinted across the room and landed on the dinosaur of a computer in the corner of the room.
Against all reason, and trying my best not to visibly cringe, I turned on the modem and began searching for "vampires that don't eat humans."
Can vampires eat human food? - Ask Jeeves
Jeeves says they can. Fun fact, but not relevant.
Vampires Are No Myth in Mexico - Los Angeles Times
An article about blood-eating bats.
Vampires: Can They Smell You Coming? - Blogspot
"Vampires are characterized as having an acute sense of smell…" Not what I was looking for, but I'll bite. "Often they can smell humans from several yards away; they can smell fear like a dog or wild animal, or they can track a person through a crowd by their perfume, deodorant or the lack of it." I shuddered and quickly closed the page - I did not need the reminder.
I tried something new. "Vampire goes crazy."
I got a lot of articles about Nicholas Cage and not much else.
Exasperated, I rapid closed the web articles as well as the thirty virus notifications. With gusto, I angstily unplugged the entire computer, hoping to expel my restlessness with the motion.
No dice.
I need fresh air, I thought.
Turns out the outdoors weren't much better - I lasted about fifteen minutes in the forest before I remembered that I didn't actually like trees or green. I laughed at myself and started to head back, questions whirring in my head, a sense of helplessness stirring my stomach uneasily.
Out here in the forest, all the memories I was trying to suppress kept rising into me like the tide. I fought the images back and ached desperately for a distraction.
I heard rustling in the foliage and jumped, heart leaping irregular in my chest. My hands shook and my tongue felt dry. "It's okay," I whispered to myself as I passed more leaves rustling in the wind.
"You're doing a good job, Bella," I murmured, wrapping my arms around my chest.
I finally made it home. I slipped out of my clothes and climbed in bed. I wrapped my quilts tightly around my body, but I kept shivering. I couldn't seem to get warm.
A/N: I want to take a moment to talk about a couple topics:
First, I did my best to represent the sensation of dissociating. I struggle with anxiety and depression, but I can't speak for others. If you found this interpretation o inaccurate, please know that wasn't my intention.
Second, I am sure you are all aware of the issue of the ways that Twilight and Meyer portray people of color and the Quileute tribe specifically. I deliberated back an about whether or not to include Jacob. Finally, I decided not to include him / the shapeshifter canon because I believe other cultures' history and genuine beliefs are respected and not used in fiction as plot devices. That said, I just want you to know I love Jacob and have much respect for the Quileute triibe. If you have any tho to talk about it, please feel free to mention it in a review or DM me. In other notes, please consider donating to the Higher Grounds project as a way to give back to tribe and community.
~potential spoiler warning~
Third, this is not totally a spoiler but kind of is so read at your own discretion.
A big part of why I wrote this story is because I felt that Bella was really shielded (lol get it...but actually) from what it really meant to be a vampire. While plot-wis that's lame - but also I think that also is a huge missed opportunity in their relationship. Midnight Sun was just so in contrast with Bella's perception of things, and books never really gave Bella a chance to really understand what she was getting herself into.
I guess I was totally in agreement with Edward - she didn't get it, lol.
So this idea was really compelling for me because Bella not only has to confront the darkest sides of this nature, but she even has to confront it from the very begin
There's a lot more for them to work through here, and there's a lot at stake, and it really revisits the question: how do we forgive and heal when we're hurt by thos How do we learn to trust ourselves again? etc.
Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.
~end spoiler potential~
