Kidnapped

Reliving

As Alice took Bella away home, I came to the realization that I had not, after all, killed Bella. In fact, although I had attempted to kill her, I had only done so with pure lucidity, which was worse, of course - but in one way, better: I hadn't lost control of myself.

Perhaps this whole situation was not quite as hopeless as I'd thought.

I felt a rush of relief and gratitude as I realized the crucial role my family members had played in keeping Bella Swan alive - not just today, but, potentially, for much longer.

Because I felt a sensation for the first in a long time, bubbling inside me, buoying and lifting me higher.

I felt optimistic. I felt myself begin to relax. As I did, the thoughts of my family began to rise to my awareness.

And my optimism faded away. Thoughts were centered on me - on shock and fear even from my family members.

"THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION!" An image of my face contorted with rage. Carlisle's mind.

From five different vantage points, I saw my face contorted into that of a monster; I saw myself lunging after the innocent girl. I saw the wicked gleam of lucid barbarism in my devilish face. I saw my worst moments, and I saw and felt and heard how they affected the people I loved.

Worse still, is the actions I never carried out but held in full intent. In Alice's mind were a special form of torture. Images of me murdering Carlisle, Jasper… Alice was trying not to think of it, but the images kept coming. I was face-to-face not only with the horrors I had committed but also the horrors I'd have committed, had I only the chance.

Murder Carlisle? The concept was unfathomable to me, yet, if I were to be honest, the rage of helplessness and resentment still boiled under my skin. The horrible ache of being the monster I am, making me furious with anyone involved in the role of keeping me alive.

The pain and horror of what I'd been planning to - and the realization of my true nature - enveloped me. How could I possibly feel optimism now? Perhaps the physical demon of my vampiric nature was more containable than I'd thought, but I'd discovered I, Edward Masen, the consciousness, was far more monstrous than I'd ever imagined.

How could I ever entertain the thought of sharing even the same planet as the girl?

But what can I do? The waves of shame were unending as I sat in my room, caged by the five mental documentaries of my crimes.

And, even more shameful, despite the absolute horror of my actions, much of the thought-commentary in these documentaries revolved not around my crimes but my…wellbeing.

I groaned at the agony that, on top of the pain I'd inflicted, on top of the pain I'd almost inflicted, my own pain was inflicting even greater pain in the hearts of those who loved me.

It was unbearable.

Only Alice truly knew the extent I would have gone to, today, had I succeeded in my goals. I shuddered at the horror of it, killing Carlisle, or Alice, or Jasper. My new cognizance of my own nature terrorized my mind; I was trapped in a cage of self-castigation.

But what could I do? Was there any way to atone for my actions and ill-intents? How could there be? But how could I not try to make things right? Even if it was impossible? I thought, not for the first time, of Carlisle's first days and weeks as a vampire, feeling wildly out of control, afraid of what crimes he might commit…

He couldn't empathize, I didn't think, but perhaps he could understand.

I decided my first step was to speak with Carlisle.

.

.

.

A/N: I know it was short, but that's because the next bit is going to focus on Bella :)