- Part 1 -


Arrhythmia


I'm sick of the things I do when I'm nervous,
Like cleaning the oven or checking my tires,
Or counting the number of tiles in the ceiling.
Head for the hills, the kitchen's on fire!
I used to rely on self-medication;
I guess I still do that from time to time.
But I'm getting better at fighting the future.
"Someday, you'll be fine.."
Yes, I'll be just fine.
- Motion City Soundtrack


"It is so nice out today!" Chloe exclaimed as she walked across the quad – directly toward Aubrey.

Aubrey groaned and tried to bury her face behind her Philosophy book. But it was too late. Chloe had already spotted her. She couldn't understand why this girl refused to let her alone. From the moment they met at Bellas auditions and Chloe realized they shared a few classes, she was insistent they be best friends. It didn't make any sense. Especially since Chloe was already friends with nearly every single person on campus. There was literally no reason for her to be accosting Aubrey with her sickeningly-happy moods and her disregard for personal space every chance she got. Couldn't she tell that Aubrey didn't want to be around her? That was actually a lie, because everybody wanted to be around Chloe Beale. Even the upper-classmen talked to her.

"I hardly ever got to study outside in grade school," Chloe kept talking. "It rained like every day in Miami right when I got off the bus." She dropped her books on the ground then sat down and placed a plastic bag she was holding on top of her books. "Plus, I always left my books in the yard to go surfing so my mom made me stay inside until my work was done because one time it rained and she had to pay like $50 for the book it ruined. What about you?"

Aubrey heaved a sigh and dropped her book on her lap. "I'm trying to study right now," she pointed out. She tried to focus on her book but ended up staring at Chloe out of the corner of her eye, refusing to look directly at her. Chloe was a mystery – always nonchalantly sharing personal details of her life and expecting Aubrey to do the same. It was irritating. Mostly because sometimes Aubrey wished she could do the same. But even that one time when Chloe coerced her into admitting her favorite color, it felt like too much. Not wanting to be caught staring, Aubrey reread a paragraph in her book.

"I have to study too." Chloe really didn't take a hint, did she? "I bought us lunch." She leaned forward and rustled through the bag.

Aubrey blinked and looked at the bag. Did Chloe think that she was too poor to buy her own food? She was very clearly not poor. "I can afford my own lunch." She pinched her features together, offended by the gesture.

"I know, but I bought you lunch anyway." Chloe pulled two sandwiches and two bottles of apple juice out of the bag – followed by a bag of chips as well. "That's what friends do."

"We're not friends." Maybe that was a little too harsh. But it was the truth. It kind of hurt to say it out loud, but Aubrey couldn't really pinpoint why. She had lived her entire life without friends. Chloe wasn't going to throw everything off and be some sort of exception. She reminded herself that she didn't even have any use for friends. They got in the way of her schoolwork.

Chloe looked momentarily taken aback by her words but quickly recovered by grinning and bumping Aubrey with her shoulder. "Study-buddies then," she corrected herself. "I could really use your help with Philosophy."

Aubrey didn't believe that for one second. She already knew that Chloe was a straight A student and that she barely even needed to study – unlike Aubrey who felt like she was studying from the moment she woke up in the morning until she went to bed (also usually in the morning). She inched away from Chloe's arm – overwhelmed by the amount of electricity one single touch seemed to send coursing through her. She stared at her in disgust – was beginning to hate her even. Chloe didn't have the right to make Aubrey feel, well, whatever it was that she made Aubrey feel. There wasn't really a word for it.

"Well, look at you two rejects."

Aubrey and Chloe both looked up at the same time to see Alice and her posse approaching them. Aubrey immediately closed her book and straightened herself up. Chloe shook her head and started to open one of her books.

"Do you really think you should be eating that before the bikini car wash?" Alice stared down at the sandwiches and wrinkled her nose. "Aubrey, your freshman fifteen is turning into a freshman five hundred." She frowned and looked at Chloe. "Chloe, you're tipping the scale. The two of you aren't going to be eating like that when I run the Bellas."

Chloe looked up at her and scoffed.

Aubrey's throat felt dry. It wasn't possible that she was gaining weight. She ate healthy and she spent an hour at the gym every day - plus, she jogged every morning as well. She looked over at Chloe, and they briefly locked eyes.

'You look fine,' Chloe mouthed to her reassuringly.

Aubrey drew in a breath and quickly looked back up at Alice. "I'll add another hour at the gym," she assured her confidently. "I won't disappoint the Bellas." She could feel Chloe's gaze practically drilling a hole right through her.

"It's going to take more than another hour at the gym for you to get rid of that stomach," Alice commented. She folded her arms and looked the two of them. "You might as well just live there."

"I like how I look, Alice," Chloe informed her.

"That's part of the problem," Alice replied. She rolled her eyes and looked at Aubrey.

Aubrey blinked and glanced over at Chloe – who was trying to read something in her book and just ignore Alice. She could have sworn that the two of them were friends. She looked back up at Alice and pressed her lips together. She wanted to stick up for Chloe, but pleasing Alice took priority. She could feel Chloe look up at her again.

"I'm going to let you in on a Bellas secret, since Chloe obviously doesn't care that she's fat." Alice stared straight at Aubrey, locking eyes with her. "You're a good singer. If you do what I tell you to lose weight, I promise you'll have a solo."

A solo. Aubrey perked up. "I'll do whatever it takes," she promised her.

"Aubrey!" Chloe reprimanded her.

"If you put it in you, just make sure it comes back out," Alice directed her vaguely. "That shouldn't be too hard for you."

Chloe stared at Alice in disgust whereas Aubrey just stared at her.

Alice directed her gaze to Chloe. "You know by now that all the Bellas do it, Chloe." She motioned for her friends. "Come on, Ladies." She shot Aubrey and Chloe one last repulsed glance before walking away. "See you at rehearsals, slutbags."

"What is wrong with her?" Chloe muttered and picked up her sandwich.

Aubrey swallowed thickly and stared at the food. It would give her more control over her weight…

xxxxx

Aubrey feels jittery as she towels up the water on the bathroom floor. She knows the uneasiness is all in her head, but she shouldn't have taken more than the correct dosage. She's lightheaded as she scrubs up all of the moisture until the floor is completely dry. Tears continue to well up in her eyes, but she refuses to let them fall. She just keeps telling herself that she isn't crazy. People take anxiety medication all the time. She wasn't imagining the photograph or the music. That's not even what her medication is for. She slaps the wet towel down on the floor then leans back on her knees and rubs the back of her hand across her eyes. She exhales slowly through her mouth and sits back against the wall, resting her arms on her bent knees.

She wants to think she's getting worked up over nothing, but someone writing 'CRAZY' in blood on her mirror is far from nothing. She tells herself there's a difference between being crazy and being upset. There is a difference. They wouldn't even write the word if they didn't know about the photograph and music. She looks up at the mirror, temporarily wondering if the word had actually even been there.

If it wasn't for the photograph disappearing, she knows she wouldn't be doubting herself.

She breathes in sharply as it hits her out of nowhere that she has some tangible proof that she isn't just losing it. She leans forward and spins her jacket around so the arms are tied behind her back and the majority of the fabric is on her lap. She digs through her pocket then flips her phone open so quickly that it makes a clicking noise. No one could have erased her calls. She touches the button for 'Received Calls' then lets out a breath she didn't realize she had been holding.

'Unknown Caller'
'Unknown Caller'
'Chloe'
'Chloe'
'Brian Holloway (Intern)'
'Chloe'

She stares at the 'Unknown Caller's as she places her phone down on the floor. She sniffles and wipes at her nose with her wrist. Is she supposed to feel better knowing that someone is doing this to her and it's not just in her head? She bites her thumbnail for a moment then sniffles again and rests her arms back on her legs. She doesn't feel better. She wants to pretend that she doesn't care about whoever hates her enough to do this – but, in the end, she does. She does because she wants to know what she did wrong. She doesn't even consider the mirror might have been directed at Chloe; she knows right away that it wasn't. Sometimes she doesn't understand how Chloe doesn't even have to try and everyone loves her, but Aubrey gives all of her effort and ends up with the word 'CRAZY' written on her bathroom mirror. Maybe she should try to call the person back and see who answers?

She rubs at her cheeks with her palm and tries to even out her breaths to calm her stomach. The ice cream from the previous night rises up in the back of her throat and she clamps a hand over her mouth as she chokes it back down. She swallows as hard as she can and presses her hand harder against her mouth and nose. Her throat and nostrils burn. She gags against her hand and dry heaves.

She wonders if maybe it's best just to let it happen – to just get rid of the extra medication, to achieve some sort of release, to momentarily feel better afterward until the realization of being a stress-vomiter again sinks in. But it's not really stress-vomiting if she's doing it because she took too many pills. One extra pill isn't dangerous, Aubrey. Her hands are shaking and she considers it might even just be the familiarity drawing her back in. She doesn't know how to handle this situation, but vomiting (clinging to something she knows) almost feels like it would be stress-relief. She maneuvers herself up onto her knees again then rests her elbows on the sides of the toilet bowl and places her head in her hands. If she can just feel calmer for a second, maybe she'll be able to think.

Her stomach has started to settle even though her nerves should get it all worked up again. She draws in a breath then exhales while whispering the word 'okay' to herself. She lowers one of her hands away from her head and considers just making it happen.

xxxxx

Someone jiggled the handle on Aubrey's locked dorm room door then knocked. Aubrey ran a hand through her hair and looked up from her laptop – where she'd been writing a paper on Socialism for the past two hours. Shit. She must have been late for the floor meeting. Her heart skipped a beat. She was never late for anything. She looked back down and quickly moved her mouse so the 'start' bar on her computer screen appeared. There was still an hour and three minutes until she had to leave if she wanted to be fifteen minutes early. Her brows furrowed and she looked up at the door again. She mentally thanked the nuisance on the other side for nearly giving her a heart attack then shook her head and resumed typing.

There was another impatient knock.

"I'm coming," Aubrey snapped and hit 'save' then pressed down the top of her laptop. 'This had better be important,' she thought. She pushed her chair away from her desk then stood and pushed the chair back in before making her way across her room and to the door. She turned the lock then pressed down on the handle and pulled the door open. She straightened herself up and tried to look as pleasant and presentable as possible. Her expression changed immediately and she gaped in irritation when she saw it was none other than Chloe standing in the hall. But, if she put thought into it, it's not as though she would have expected it to be anyone else. Even her roommate rarely showed up at the room.

But for serious though. It was bad enough Chloe was constantly finding her on the quad. Now she was showing up at her dorm too?

Chloe squeezed between Aubrey and the wall and let herself into Aubrey's dorm room without waiting for an invitation – which Aubrey didn't actually plan to extend anyway. "You didn't do it, did you?" she asked in a thick voice.

Aubrey let out an annoyed breath and turned to face Chloe, her hand still lingering on the door handle. "Do what?" she asked. Ugh. Why was she talking to her? Engaging her would just cause her to stay and continue to talk – which was exactly what Aubrey didn't want. This was why people shouldn't feed stray cats. "You need to leave." She motioned toward the hall.

"What Alice said," Chloe elaborated. She pressed her lips together to form a straight line. Was she going to start crying? She really needed to go.

"For serious," Aubrey said and pointed to the hall. "Get out."

"Promise me you're not going to do it, Aubrey," Chloe begged. She looked so distressed by the idea that Aubrey might actually be considering Alice's suggestion that it stung Aubrey a little. Was stung the right word? It wasn't a good feeling. "Promise."

Aubrey blinked. To be honest, she would rather put in three extra hours at the gym than follow Alice's weight-loss regimen. She vomited enough as it was already. "If I promise, will you leave?" she asked with a tight smile.

Chloe nodded several times without even giving it a second thought.

"Fine." Aubrey let go of the door handle and held up her right hand. "I promise." She dropped her hand. "Now you hold up your end of the deal."

"That doesn't count, Aubrey," Chloe retorted.

What did Chloe want her to do? Give a speech? "Yes, it does," Aubrey argued.

"No, it doesn't. You didn't do it right." Chloe lifted her left hand and held out her pinky. "Pinky promise."

Aubrey stared at her hand and narrowed her eyes, trying to understand what Chloe was asking her to do. What the hell was a pinky promise? "I don't know what that is," she admitted with enough aggravation that hopefully Chloe wouldn't bother to tell her. "You have to hold up your end of the bargain."

Chloe's jaw dropped. Literally dropped. She leaned forward and grabbed Aubrey by the hand, yanking her away from the door. "You do it like this," she said and quickly interlocked their pinkies before Aubrey even had a chance to comprehend what was happening. "It's, like, more serious than placing your right hand on the Bible."

Aubrey highly doubted that was true. "What the hell?" She tugged her hand away from Chloe's and quickly rubbed the area that she had touched. She swallowed thickly and took a step back, put off by the momentary feeling that she might actually like when Chloe touched her. It made her feel warm, and she wanted to feel more of that. What was she supposed to do with that feeling?

Chloe placed her hands on Aubrey's arms. Aubrey didn't move. Couldn't move. "Now you've promised correctly." She squeezed her arms and smiled at her. "And I'll keep my end of the promise too." Her hands dropped and she absently swatted at Aubrey's thigh. "But I'll see you at the floor meeting, Study-buddy." She took a step back toward the door. "I'll save you a seat beside me."

Aubrey watched her leave in stunned silence.

And Aubrey kept her end of the promise.

xxxxx

Aubrey can't do it. It doesn't matter the reason; she can't bring herself to vomit on purpose. She took an oath. – She thinks about senior year, tries to convince herself that she already broke her promise, but that had been a fluke. She had been bound to vomit like that whether it be on the floor or in the bathroom. She reaches up and grabs the corner of the sink then uses it to pull herself to her feet. Her hands are still shaking and she realizes that she's just going to have to internally deal with the build-up of stress. Maybe if she ignores it, it will go away. Can ignoring a problem still be considered facing it? It's what her father always wanted her to do – just remember anxiety was all in her head and 'get the hell over it'.

She turns on the sink water (the cold faucet this time) and cups her hands under the stream. She watches the water fill them until it starts overflowing over her fingers then she dips her head and rinses the tears off her face. She doesn't want Chloe to see she's been crying. She turns off the water and dries her face on a towel. There is a twinge of nervousness as she looks into the mirror to make sure she's presentable. She tells herself to get over it and relaxes a little when she sees her own face as opposed to blood. She wipes off a few droplets of water that the towel missed near her chin then fixes her jacket and picks up her phone. She turns and unlocks the door.

Chloe looks up from where she's sitting on the floor, propped up against the wall, when the door opens. She's dressed now – wearing a t-shirt, shorts, and an expression that Aubrey can only describe as 'pissed off'. She doesn't need to make words. She just lifts her hand and the gesture automatically screams, 'what the hell was that about?'

Aubrey ignores the anger. Chloe bounces back from being angry quickly, so she doesn't feel the need to address it. She breathes for a moment and straightens her posture then musters up the calmest, most carefree voice she can find (hoping to appear like she's completely over the entire morning already). "We're going to miss breakfast."

Chloe huffs as she drops her hand to the floor and gapes at her.

Aubrey presses her lips together and gives brief nod to prove that she's for serious then turns down the hall to go change her clothes.

Chloe will get over it.