I wish I'd never started to read Dramione. I'm usually 100% Romione but I just can't get this out of my head.
They had been back at Hogwarts for a couple of months now, and Hermione was struggling. Mentally; she was having nightmares every night, always the same thing over and over again, and if she woke up in the middle then it was there waiting for her when she dropped off again. Physically; the multiple healers Mrs Weasley had forced her to see had worked very hard to put her back together, but despite months of treatment she was still scarred, stiff, aching in many places and needing pain potions almost constantly. Emotionally; there had been rifts and relationship breakdowns in the aftermath of the war, with her parents choosing to stay in Australia despite regaining their memories and she and Ron agreeing to remain friends when their attempt at a relationship had just worsened their frequent rows.
Part of her was happy that at least she had Hogwarts, her home from home for many years. But even that was tainted for her, with memories and flashbacks hitting her at random corners, despite the extensive restoration and redecoration the halls and corridors had undergone. But she kept her head down, engaged as little as she could without being rude and did what she always did when she was struggling: she threw herself into her books.
One solice was that her status as Head Girl afforded her a private common room and bedroom, so she could study without too much interruption or people gawking at her in what they thought was a surreptitious way. The drawback to this was that she had to share her quarters with this year's Head Boy, Draco Malfoy. Her heart had initially dropped when she heard the news, but so far he had been quiet and respectful of her privacy, and they avoided each other neatly. That was, until that one particular night, when it was time for their weekly rounds.
Usually they walked the corridors in silence, only talking when it was absolutely necessary, but tonight something was different. Malfoy kept trying to engage her, coming up with more and more elaborate pieces of small talk. Hermione wasn't in the mood. She hadn't slept at all last night, her back was aching as always and Malfoy's constant barrage was starting to give her a headache. She sighed for the fourth time that hour as he searched for another topic of conversation.
'Fuck this,' he suddenly growled, grasping her arm just above her elbow and dragging her across the corridor they had been checking. He flung the door open, shoved her into the classroom on the other side, and followed her in, slamming the door behind him.
'What the hell, Malfoy?!' She could practically feel her hair crackling with the static that her anger was creating. Her frustration heightened when he meerly looked down his nose calmly at her.
'Sit down, Granger,' he said. She rolled her eyes at him, the anger rising in her. She didn't need this today. She clenched her fists and opened her mouth to snap at him, but he interrupted her.
'I said, sit.' His wand was suddenly in his hand and with a sharp flick of his wrist the chair behind her slid forward, hitting the back of her knees and causing her to topple back into it. She landed with a surprised huff, then quickly returned her furious glare to his face, taking in the self-satisfied smirk playing on his pale features. 'Keep looking at me like that, Granger, and I'll have to do something about it,' he drawled, but there was a slight huskiness to his voice that she'd never heard before. It caused her mind to stutter, and with horror she felt her body respond to it, heat pooling between her legs. It made her hate him more. But she had registered his threat, so she crossed her arms and sat back in the chair, waiting.
'Better,' he smirked. He settled back against the wall behind him, hands now deep in his pockets, and his eyes began to traverse her body slowly. The heat she'd felt before crept up her body and into her cheeks. Why was his attention affecting her in this way?
'What do you want, Malfoy?' she spat, deciding that she needed to get away from him before this ... whatever it was, got any worse.
'I'm worried about you.' He said it so simply, so nonchalantly, that she felt her mouth fall open as she gaped at him.
'You ... What?' she sputtered, once the silence around them had become deafening. Now it was his turn to roll his eyes, and he very slowly leaned toward her. She sat frozen as he reached out one long, somewhat delicate hand. His fingers slid under her chin and he pushed upwards, closing her mouth.
'Not the best look for you,' he teased, grey eyes flashing. She felt herself bristle again, but couldn't retort with his hand still cupping her jaw. She found her gaze meeting his, and he held it for a while before his eyes slid over her face, and down her body again, which was now leaning towards him in her chair. When he looked up, she saw something in his eyes that made something stir in her lower stomach. But before she could put her finger on what it was, he was pulling away again, clearing his throat and re-applying that classic, carefully crafted Malfoy composure. He continued, 'You don't look well, Granger. You're losing weight rapidly, you look exhausted all the time, and when you think no-one is looking you hold your back in a way that makes me think that you're not as fully healed as you're trying to make out. I think you're over-doing it.'
'What do you mean?' She heard the insecurity in her own voice, and mentally chastised herself. Malfoy had made it his mission for their entire school career to belittle her at every opportunity. She'd learned how to ignore his pathetic jibes and personal comments, but for some reason this felt different. There was no mocking in his tone, and his body language wasn't aggressive in any way. It was almost as if he ... suddenly she snorted. Well, if he was trying a new tactic to get under her skin, it wasn't going to work. She - they all - had been through far too much last year to allow that. 'Careful, Malfoy, you almost made it sound like you actually care about my wellbeing.'
The thunderous expression that crossed his face caused her to reel back in shock. She had thought her comment would hit a nerve, but she hadn't expected it to have this level of effect.
'You really don't think I've changed at all, do you?' he spat. He stood up and walked towards her until he towered over where she sat, clenched fists shaking at his sides. She forced herself not to cower under his temper. She'd faced worse than him. She tilted her chin towards him defiantly.
'Can you blame me?' Her voice was soft now, lacking all confrontation. 'I know you're trying to make amends. I've seen it. But after the years of bullying, and our more recent history ... Can you really blame me for being a little suspicious of your motives?' She watched as he almost deflated in front of her. His shoulders sagged, hands slackening and brow relaxing. He suddenly looked very tired.
'No,' he breathed, and even his voice sounded as though all of the air had left him. 'No, I suppose I can't.' He lowered himself into a crouch in front of her, his long legs bent at the knees, almost straddling hers. He placed one hand on his thigh and raised the other to rub at his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. Due to how close he was to her, she had a good view of his white-blond hair. She suddenly noticed that he'd stopped slicking it back, and that soft strands were falling forward, into his face. Her hand twitched with the sudden impulse to push those hairs back, but she fought against it. He sighed, and raised his eyes to look at her again.
'I'm sorry,' he murmered, and held her gaze. 'I know that's just words, and I have done significantly more damage than I could ever erase with just that, but I am hoping it's a start. I'm really trying ...' he gulped, and she was surprised to see his eyes getting wet. Surely not. Malfoy, crying?! He pressed on, his voice thick with emotion. 'I'm trying to make amends, and I know I will never earn complete forgiveness for everything I've done, but I can at least make steps to right some of my past wrongs. And the only person I haven't been able to help yet, is you.'
'M-me?'
'You,' he confirmed, his voice and gaze steady again. 'You helped me, Granger, more than you will ever know. I know what you did for me. I know about the letter.' She gasped and felt her face flush again. How had he found out about that? As if reading her thoughts, he smiled at her. Not a smirk, but probably the first true smile she'd ever received from him. It made her feel fuzzy.
'Oh, th-that. It was nothing, I -'
'Don't,' he snapped, and she jumped at the harshness of his tone. He leaned forward, frowning again. 'It was not nothing, Granger. You saved me from a lifetime of imprisonment, when I deserve nothing more than to rot forever for the things I've done. Do not try and brush this under the carpet. That may have worked for the rest of the wizarding world, with the way you quietly bowed out of all the press surrounding Potter, but I will not allow it.' She studied his face, set determinedly, prepared to fight against any argument or dismissal that she might come up with. She sighed, too exhausted to fight him on this, and simply nodded. His features softened again, that strange look in his eyes once more.
'That still doesn't tell me what you want, Malfoy,' she muttered, shifting in her chair in discomfort. Subconsciously, her hand had travelled to her side and was massaging the stiff spot where her internal scarring from falling down the stairs during the battle was still healing. She was over-due a pain potion, and the ache that was usually subdued between doses was clawing at her. She just wanted to go to bed.
'Well, let's start with that.' His words brought her back to the present, and she noticed him watching her actions. She lowered her hand quickly.
'What about it?' she bit out, then felt bad when he flinched slightly. The pain was making her irritable.
Malfoy held up both of his hands in front of himself, almost as though he was surrendering to her. She didn't comment, so he leaned forward gradually, watching her warily all the time, like one would when approaching a snarling dog. He reached forward with one hand and, when she didn't react, placed on hand against her ribs. She winced slightly with pain, then gasped when she felt a warmth spreading from his palm. She looked down to see a glow of purple light emitting from his fingers and sinking into her side. The light began to dim, and with it went to pain. She gawped at Malfoy as he retracted his hand, watching her cautiously.
'How did you ...' Her voice trailed off, and he chuckled.
'I know you can do wandless magic too,' he said with a shrug. 'I spent a lot of my time on house arrest reading, learning healing spells of all kinds. I could teach you.'
'Oh ... OK. Thank you,' she said slowly, still slightly unnerved. He flashed a small, relieved smile at her, and she stubbornly ignored the way it made her heartbeat increase.
'I also want to help you look after yourself a bit better,' he said, seemingly more confident following her acceptance of his actions. 'I know Potter and Weasley used to try and get you to take care of yourself when you went into academic overdrive. How did they used to do that?'
'Oh ... um ...' Hermione tried to push away how strange it felt to be having this conversation with this boy. It seemed like he had been paying an awful lot of attention to her since their return to Hogwarts, and she was unnerved that she hadn't noticed this at all. And despite everything, she really had seen evidence of him trying to show that he had changed: helping out with the younger students; volunteering his free time to maintain and re-build bits of the castle that were still ruined; she'd even heard from Harry that he had been meeting with the Ministry's Auror department, offering what details he could about the other side of the war in an attempt to help them bring in the last of the Death Eaters. And if the Ministry could trust him ...
'Well, they would make sure I was eating regularly during the exams,' she began, casting her mind back to another lifetime. 'And if I was worried about a particular assignment, they would make me go outside or to Hogsmead and distract me. And if I refused to leave the library, they would sit with me and do something else, so that I wouldn't be alone ... ' Her voice faultered and she swallowed, hard. Tears entered her eyes as the pieces fell into place. That was what was wrong this year, she finally realised. She felt completely and utterly alone. Sure, she knew that Ginny and Neville and Luna and a few of the other students from their year were here with her, but it didn't feel the same. They all seemed quite comfortable around each other, and she just felt like she was always on the fringes of every conversation. She always felt that they looked at her with pity, and she couldn't stand it.
'Noted.' His voice was quiet, but it still startled her. She'd almost forgotten he was there. She avoided his gaze, not wanting to see pity from him either. 'I'll do my best to help, where I can. Thank you, Granger.'
She nodded, and stood quickly, sweeping towards the door, hoping to get back to her bedroom before she disintegrated.
'Hermione.' She stopped abruptly. He had never used her first name. She turned to stare at him, wide-eyed. He seemed almost as surprised as her, but he shook it off quicker than her and cleared his throat. 'What about the nightmares?'
She felt as though she had been punched in the gut. All the air whistled out of her in a sharp exhale. How did he know? What was he ... She suddenly seemed to see him clearer than ever before. She recognised the dark purple rings under his eyes that she saw in her own mirror every morning. His shoulders were rounded, and his whole body sagged slightly, like it was an effort to keep himself upright. She recognised that as well.
'You, too?' she croaked. He nodded silently, holding her gaze. She bit back to urge to ask him what his nightmares were about, terrified that if he shared them with her then she'd have to reciprocate. She wasn't ready for that. She didn't know if she would ever be. And most importantly, it seemed inconceivable that she would ever be able to share them with Malfoy. He seemed to be waiting for an answer, so she sighed, 'I don't know. They're... bad. I don't know what to do about them.'
'Yeah,' he murmered. 'Me neither. But maybe if we look through some medical texts together, we might find an answer?' There was such hope in his voice that she smiled gently at him.
'That sounds like a good idea,' she agreed, and something in the way relief washed over his face made her say jokingly, 'You know I love an extra-curricular project.'
'Brightest witch of our age,' he grinned at her. There was absolutely no malice in the way he said it, and her heart skipped a beat. She blushed and ducked her head, then turned away and opened the classroom door. They stepped out into the hallway together, and stood awkwardly, the tentative alliance hanging heavily between them.
'So, when shall we start research?' he said, trying too hard to sound casual. She looked up at him and noted the slight flush that had crept into his pale cheeks.
'How about tomorrow night, after dinner?' She suggested. 'I'll get some books from the library and bring them back to our common room?' She chewed her lip, wondering if this was too soon, if she sounded too eager. His eyes flicked to her lips and lingered there, before he tore his gaze away, the pink on his face deepening. Again, she tried her best to ignore the strange pull she felt behind her navel.
'That would be great,' he grunted. The blush started to fade as he looked into her eyes again and flashed her a grateful smile. 'I could use a bloody good night's sleep.' She laughed at this, and he looked pleased by her reaction.
'I'm definitely with you on that one,' she smiled. 'OK, well, we'd better finish our rounds.' She turned away to continue down the corridor.
'Granger.' Strong, slender fingers wrapped around her wrist. She froze and looked back at him to see his face working furiously, like he had something he wanted to say but was physically incapable of getting it out. Finally, looking defeated, he let go of her wrist. 'Just ... thank you. For giving me a chance.'
'Everyone deserves a second chance, Malfoy,' she said kindly, before turning away to finish their task. As they walked she now engaged him in the light conversation he'd been offering earlier, and the awkwardness between them eased somewhat. Her mind and body buzzed from there interaction, but she pushed it all away, trying to focus on the task at hand. They finally finished their rounds at their shared accomodation, and she smiled at him when he held the portrait open for her to pass through, before bidding him goodnight as she headed for her bed.
She spent some time getting ready, trying to avoid the inevitable. She burshed and plaited her hair, cleaned her face and her teeth, qnd swallowing a pain relieving draught before pulling on an oversized sleep shirt and shorts and climbing reluctantly into bed. She tried to relax, ignoring the anxiety about the night to come by trying to think about other things. Her mind kept wandering to the promise of tomorrow evening, and a strange anticipation filled her as she wondered what was in store. Finally, exhausted, fitfull sleep claimed her.
