Guest: Ah, okay, I understand what you're saying now.
Guest: Thank you!
Malexfaith: Yeeeaaah, I am not really a happiness and rainbows and unicorns type of writer.
Guest: Thank you!
Vickstik: They're a bit pressed for time, so, like much of the rest of this story, it's going to be a topic that gets addressed slowly, as much as they'd like to deal with it all at once.
96itadakimasu96: Yeah, it was just a brief mention of it.
Pixie1913: It's hard to understand anything that Aubrey doesn't understand, which is honestly why I love writing in limited view so much. It wouldn't be the same if everyone's perspective was clear.
RJRMovie: It's a big topic to address. It's definitely going to end up being multiple conversations.
Guest: Somewhat, lol.
Guest: It's killing you? Is that a pun?
Ash: I think if my scary manager squealed in delight, I'd be even more scared.
Guest: This is one of the nicest reviews I have ever received. That's also how I write. Breakfast before work? Writing. Lunch break? Writing. And then I am all distraught and everyone is like, "What's wrong?" And I have to pull the whole, "You wouldn't understand." For serious tho. I love this review. I love writing Aubrey so much - especially in a way that's different that how everyone else writes her and TT.
Arrhythmia
Do I ever cross your mind?
'Cause you're on mine all the time.
I can't believe how unfair life is sometimes.
- Ke$ha
They drag the reclining lawn chairs by the pool together to make a circle. Aubrey all but collapses on her side and absently fiddles with plastic strips that make up the chair itself. It feels so good to not be required to move. Her head rests on half of Chloe's sweatshirt as she hugs the other half into her neck and chest for comfort. She can finally breathe a little easier – or maybe that's just the Aleve kicking in.
Beca sits on the edge of her own chair, leaning forward, her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands. "I guess I'll start?"
Chloe nods.
"I…didn't actually leave because I didn't like Aubrey," Beca admits and lifts her head, "I left, because, dude, it was awkward, and she hated me." She stares at the space in between them all. "And Jesse was a safe choice! I knew he wanted commitment. He wasn't going to get bored and just leave."
"We would have never done that," Chloe says.
Aubrey might have done that. She rubs the fabric of Chloe's sweatshirt between her fingers, just listening. Her eyelids feel heavy. Her entire body feels heavy.
"You seemed pretty bored with Aubrey," Beca says, and things get heated fast.
"I could never be bored with Aubrey. I want to spend the rest of my life with Aubrey."
"Yet, you were so willing to wreck it," Beca replies, "Aubrey hated that I was there. She hated it, and you knew, and you still kept pushing her. Dude, if anything, I'm starting to feel bad for Aubrey."
"Well, you kept coming back," Chloe throws the blame back at her.
"Yeah, because I loved you," Beca says, "But, also, I was confused. You were a senior and I was a freshman when this started. I didn't know what I was doing, and I sure as hell didn't know you were with Aubrey like that at first or I would have backed off."
"Aubrey and I were off and on when we met," Chloe is still defending herself, "I was just hooking up with Tom, and Aubrey was sleeping with half of Sigma Beta Theta."
No. Nope. Those are the men that Aubrey does not want to think about. It was a rough patch, it happened, it was over. Howie was still nice. "Not at the same time," she mumbles, her face turning bright red. It wasn't even half of them. It was just a few.
"I really want to come back to that," Beca says, pointing at Aubrey, then turns back to Chloe again, "But then you got back together, and you were still pursuing me." She cuts Chloe off when Chloe opens her mouth to speak again. "Just take the responsibility for what you started! You were already with Aubrey, you also wanted me, so you tried to avoid the problem and lessen the guilt by trying to hook us up. You wanted to have your cake and eat it too."
Aubrey tilts her head back to look at Chloe hiding behind her hands. This isn't how she expected this conversation to happen. It was supposed to be like every other conversation where they tell Aubrey that she's the problem. She doesn't know what to do in this situation. Aubrey wants to defend her, but she can't. Not while every feeling and insecurity she's stuffed down for years is making itself known to her again. She can't say anything. She just wants to know, once and for all, if she's good enough.
"We all played a part in this," Beca says, "In order to fix it, you need to finally own yours."
Chloe scrubs tears from her face with her hands.
"I am willing to move forward," Beca keeps pressing her, "I think Aubrey is willing to move forward. Just own it, and we can move on in whatever way this goes for us."
No, this isn't how this conversation was supposed to go at all. They all three look a little caught off-guard.
Chloe scoffs and stares into the distance, blinking away angry tears.
"This cannot all be on me and Aubrey," Beca says, "Some of this is on you, and you know it."
Chloe scratches the plastic arms of the chair with her fingernails – a sound that Aubrey always hates that she makes, but can never say anything about without making a situation worse. It's especially grating to her right now, and there is a palpable relief when she finally stops and stands up.
Aubrey thinks she's going to address them both, or possibly even walk away, but she doesn't. Instead, Chloe turns her back to Beca and kneels down beside Aubrey's chair. She wrings her hands together as she looks Aubrey in the eye.
Aubrey stares at her, still unsure of what's happening right now. She feels disconnected from this entire conversation – the conversation that she wanted to have. She shouldn't have ever laid down.
"I…" Chloe has to stop. She closes her eyes and presses on them with the heels of her hands for a second before looking back at Aubrey and trying again. "I'm sorry, Aubrey." She wipes her face, her features crumbling. "I'm so sorry. I love you. I am so sorry."
It takes a moment to process. It isn't until Chloe folds her arms on the chair and presses her face into them that Aubrey realizes that this isn't an apology to them both. This isn't some melodramatic speech. This is her apology. Chloe is apologizing to her for Beca. And it's sincere. She doesn't know what to say. She's forgiven her. She's forgiven her a hundred-thousand times. But she never expected the apology itself. Because somehow it has always been her that caused this. If she had never puked on stage. If she had never been a bitch to Beca. If she had been more willing to give up her need to be in control. If she had been willing to share their relationship. If she had loved Chloe better…
Chloe must mistake her silence for something else, because she nods into her arms and mumbles something, then starts to slide her away.
Aubrey quickly catches her by the elbow and pulls her back. She just doesn't have words.
Chloe cries into the chair. Heart-shattering sobs that shake her whole body and shake Aubrey right to the core. They all have so many unprocessed feelings that Aubrey realizes it's going to take more than one talk to get through them all. She just isn't sure they have the time for that.
"You just got yourself in too deep," Beca says and stands up, "You couldn't get back out." She sits on the ground next to her and rubs her back.
Chloe nods in agreement.
Aubrey never really saw it that way before. It never seemed like a struggle for Chloe to love them both. Chloe's struggle always seemed to be her unwillingness to share. She moves her hand from Chloe's elbow to her hair, running her fingers through it, trying to calm her down. It's futile. Chloe is a mess of emotion and fear – just like she and Beca are. "Chloe, we can work through it," she tries to convince her, "We can find a solution that will make us all happy." She doesn't know what that solution might be, but there has to be one. She's just too tired to think of it right now.
Chloe nods again.
Aubrey can't keep listening to her cry like this. "Beca and I decided we're both open to friendship, and maybe what might come from that."
Beca wraps Chloe in an one armed hug. "Hey." She gives her a small shake. "If it makes you feel any better, I wanted Aubrey to slam me up against the wall since the moment I met her."
Aubrey isn't sure how that might make Chloe happy. "I can do it right now, if you want."
Beca's eyebrows shoot up.
Chloe laughs and sobs at the same time. "She means sexually, Aubrey."
Oh. Oh. "Beca!" Aubrey backhands her on the side of the head. "What the hell?" Damn it, it is like a catchphrase. "That's disgusting. Also, you said that I was a 5."
"Are you blushing?" Beca asks incredulously.
So she was lying. Aubrey hits her again.
"Who is this Aubrey that slept with half of Sigma Beta Theta and would throw me up against a wall right now?"
Chloe grabs Aubrey's hand before she can hit her again.
"It was not half of Sigma Beta Theta!" Aubrey's face is burning. "There are a lot of members of Sigma Beta Theta. It was just…like one third of the current members at Barden that year – plus Howie." She can't see the face Beca makes, because she buries her face against Chloe's shoulder to hide it.
"Don't make fun of her," Chloe mumbles, "They wouldn't talk to her anymore after the Fall Mixer."
Beca bursts into laughter and hits her hand against the lawn chair. "One third plus Howie?! You can never make fun of me for Luke again!"
"I don't want to be friends with either of you right now," Aubrey informs them, "I'm telling your mom, Chloe."
Chloe furiously shakes her head.
Beca lifts her head and wipes under her eyes. She exhales a deep breath to calm herself down. "So, can we be okay with each other until we get out of here?" she asks, "And when we go home, we can actually talk out how to fix this?"
When they go home. As quickly as the positive feelings of them teasing each other came, they were gone again, and Aubrey feels sick despite the Emetrol.
Chloe nods and lifts her head to wipe her face.
"Aubrey…" Beca says slowly, "I'm sorry."
It's a lot to take in. Aubrey knows she should apologize too, for a lot of things, but she only nods. She just wants to close her eyes for a minute. She'll take just one minute.
"Are you good?" Beca asks seriously, "Because you don't look good."
How can any of them be good? "Mhm." Aubrey tries to sit up, but Chloe presses down on her shoulder and keeps her down.
"Let's just…chill out here for a little while," Chloe suggests, "Get away from all those jerks."
First they were all their friends, and now they're all jerks? Aubrey knows she's trying to preserve Aubrey's dignity with a different excuse not to move.
"Yeah," Beca agrees, "Yeah, I could use that." She turns and leans back against Aubrey's chair.
Chloe moves Aubrey's hair away from her face, then sits there and plays with it as she stares at the ground.
Aubrey watches her. She's still wiping away tears with the back of her other hand. And Aubrey just wants to take her home. They can lay on the couch. Watch all their favorite shows and movies. Forget all this ever happened. She didn't even like TV until Chloe came along. Now she's upsetting herself about how she'll probably never get to finish any of her favorite shows. Her father always said it was a waste of time. But all those moments eating popcorn, wrapped up in a blanket together, arguing over which character was better never felt like time wasted. She closes her eyes and tries to imagine it. But she's never been good at that. Her head just has too many words. But she tries. Desperately. Because she needs to be somewhere that isn't here.
xxxxx
"Aubrey, hey." Chloe jostles her a bit. "It's starting to rain. Let's go inside. You can't sleep here."
Aubrey didn't realize she was sleeping. Not that people realize when they're asleep. Maybe she isn't sure she even was asleep. But, god, what she does know is that she doesn't want to move. She cannot move. She whines against it – a humiliating, pitiful sound that she can't hold back.
"I know, Sweetie, but you have to sit up." Chloe grabs the sweatshirt from her, and Aubrey tightens her grip, thinking she's trying to take it. Instead, she uses it to help pull Aubrey upright.
Upright is no good. She isn't quite sure where they even are. She's just sick all at once. "Chloe." She clutches the balled up sweatshirt against her stomach and tries to lean forward as she dry retches.
"Aubrey, turn." Chloe grabs her and ignores her attempt to protest against moving, and Aubrey doesn't understand what she's trying to do until Chloe has her turned sideways and leaning over the back of the chair instead of forward over her lap. "You're okay."
Aubrey lowers one of her hands down to the chair and regains her bearings enough to support herself upright. She curls her fingers around the edge of the chair and tries to breathe through it. It doesn't work. She dry heaves again.
"Chloe, she is not okay," Beca points out in a low whisper.
Panic swells in Aubrey's chest and the pain comes back.
"Aubrey, you are okay," Chloe assures her, "You're just tired. I have you. You're fine." She rubs her hand up and down the length of Aubrey's back. "Just breathe. You're fine." She's still sniffling, but she's so calm that Aubrey almost believes her.
She's fine. She's fine. Chloe is telling her she's fine. So she's fine. She's fine. She's fine. Maybe she's having a heart attack. No one will even have to kill her. She knows where she is now. She doesn't want to die. She doesn't know what happens after death. Nobody knows. Her stomach heaves up water, and Chloe gets her hair out of her face. Death doesn't even seem like it can be real, and yet anxiety over it leaves her coughing and sputtering until her stomach finally realizes there isn't any water left in it. She tries to lay back down, but two pairs of hands grab her immediately and pull her upright again and turn her around.
They're supposed to be going inside. She can feel the rain now. It's cold. She is cold. She tucks her face into the sweatshirt, and suddenly both of Chloe's arms around her, but nothing makes her warm. Her head lulls against Chloe's shoulder.
"We can lay down inside, okay?" Chloe tries to convince her, "But we have to get up first."
Aubrey shakes her head. It isn't that she just doesn't want to. She knows they have to get up. She really does.
"Hey." Beca kneels down in front of her and pulls on the sweatshirt.
Aubrey pulls it back and tries to push her away with her leg, but Beca doesn't budge.
"Nobody is trying to take that from you," Beca assures, "Just move it away from your face."
It still smells like Chloe, and, honestly, friends or not, Aubrey doesn't want Beca to see her face right now. She shakes her head again in refusal.
"This is not a choice, Aubrey," Beca informs her, "Move it from your face and look at me."
"Come on." Chloe places her hand on Aubrey's wrist and slowly pushes her arms down.
This is it. This is the worst day of Aubrey's life. She would relive PukeGate a hundred thousand times to never have to be in this day. She tries to cover her face with her hand instead, but Chloe grabs it before she can.
"We need you to open your eyes," Chloe says softly.
Aubrey does what she's told to do and looks anywhere but directly in front of her. It doesn't matter, because Beca just moves to the side and forces her to make eye contact.
"You don't get to crack," Beca says. She doesn't sound as firm anymore. She sounds scared. "Do it when you get home. This isn't the time. None of us are getting home if you crack, so get up."
Aubrey needs a moment just to mentally convince her body to move.
Beca snatches the sweatshirt when Aubrey isn't expecting it and wrings it around her hands so it can't be pulled back. "Seriously, Aubrey, stand up."
"Beca, give her a second," Chloe commands, "She doesn't feel well."
Beca ignores her and stands up. "Dude, get up, or I'm going to help you."
Aubrey presses her hand against her chest and scoots closer to the edge of her chair. That's as far as she gets. She looks up at Beca again. She understands that they need to go inside, but she doesn't want Beca's help. It's just that getting there herself isn't going the way she needs it to. She hesitates before looking in Chloe's direction without actually looking at her. "Chloe." She has to say it. "Help."
Chloe is on it. She helps get her in her feet, and steadies her until the world stops spinning so fast.
"I know you're done," Beca says, "I can see it. Trust me, I can see it. But suck it up." She hands the sweatshirt back. "Don't stop pretending you're better than the rest of us now."
Aubrey nods.
"Now go inside."
Aubrey wipes away a few raindrops from her face. Her hands are trembling, and she quickly uses the sweatshirt to hide them.
"Go," Beca urges her – radiating anxiety rather than frustration.
"I am," Aubrey snaps. She's trying. She can hear her father's voice in her head telling her that trying isn't good enough. She forces herself to move, with Chloe's hands still on her arm and back. If you're not here to win, get the hell out of Kuwait. If you're not here to win, get the hell out of Kuwait. If you're not here to win, get the hell out of Kuwait. She lifts a hand to her forehead and tries to will herself to stop thinking it over and over. If you're not here to win, get the hell out of Kuwait.
Chloe won't let her stop when they get around the building and to the stairs. She keeps gently nudging her forward and up each one of them. They must go on for a mile, and each one tires her out more than the last.
If you're not here to win, get the hell out of Kuwait.
They finally stop once they get inside, and Beca gets her another cup of water. "Drink it slow."
Aubrey doesn't want to drink it at all, but it's better than trying to throw up nothing. She takes it from her and swallows a few sips.
Chloe leads her through the lobby. They're all looking at her. Aubrey does her best to look straight ahead and keep moving to somewhere unoccupied.
"Our fearless leader is down," Bumper points out, "I vote myself as runner up."
"Bumper…" Fat Amy shakes her head at him.
"She can't even lead an A Capella group," Bumper says.
Beca grabs the rifle from their things and holds it upside down. "I won't shoot you," she says, "But this will hit you a lot harder than my fist."
"Bumpiñata," Lilly murmurs.
Chloe slides down against the wall until she's sitting crisscross then pats her lap. "Lay back down. You can use me as a pillow."
Aubrey remains standing now. If she lays down, she might not get back up when she needs to. What if she falls asleep and something happens? What if they leave her here? What if they don't? If you're not here to win, get the hell out of Kuwait. She shakes her head. The world tips over and she sways with it.
"Aubrey, Sweetheart, sit down." Chloe gets up on her knees. "Right now."
"No one is giving you options right now," Beca says, coming up behind her, "Stop acting like a child, and sit down." She places a hand between Aubrey's shoulder blades and rubs it up and down her back. "Come on." She's gentler this time. "Please."
Aubrey isn't sure she can even find her way to the ground. She doesn't realize she drops the water until it's no longer in her hand. She isn't holding Chloe's sweatshirt anymore either. She's dizzy, and she's certain she's going to be sick again. She reaches for the wall, but she can't find it.
"Oh my god." Chloe scrambles back to her feet.
Beca grabs her under the arms to slow her down as her knees buckle, and the last thing she feels is Chloe catching her as she falls.
