V – "Do you really care?"

The late evening in the Katsuragi residence was quiet in all the wrong ways; Asuka and Shinji both were aware of the elephant in the room – but there was a certain, unspoken and tentative mutual agreement not to touch it just yet, even if it meant bearing the emotional strain of the events on their own and ignoring all the steps they made together in communication. They both knew, more subconsciously than with full awareness, that touching upon this elephant would make it go on the rampage in an instant.

And risking that before things resembled some normalcy or, at the very least, until Misato was back to serve as some kind of balancing factor, was unwise. Even by Asuka's reckless standards.

And Shinji was very skilled in pushing things into the back of his mind as long as he had something to do. It was, of course, unpleasant to the degree of being almost hurtful – but he was good at bearing that, too.

...

They were given a ride home after being released from the Entry Plugs and given the shortest debriefing in the history of their operations. The debriefing, in defiance of the regular protocol, included both of them at the same time and was conducted by visibly distressed Lieutenant Ibuki. Shinji felt that it was actually him who reassured her things would be fine, not the other way around. Even Asuka, despite being visibly tense, refrained from her usual snappy remarks; the fact that the Lieutenant did not even try to question any of her actions despite her obvious disobedience and disregard of orders spoke volumes about the situation.

'Let me guess… There's going to be hell to pay, and I'm going to pay it, through my nose and thrice over when Misato is back?' Asuka mused as she finally took her place in the back of the Section 2 limousine. 'And, considering the tab that the idiot is going to present me with sooner or later, I might just as well start stealing Misato's liquor, the taste might be foul, but at least it soothes the soul… this is going to be a fun week', she concluded bitterly as she stared out of the car's window, doing her best to avoid eye contact with the boy that sat next to her.

It just felt safer.

...

Shinji was initially confused about why they were riding in the same car – but quickly realised that it had to be because the danger was over and there was no real risk that any of them would be accidentally killed on the way. He shivered, the awareness of how dangerous his life had become once more finding a way to his consciousness – and this brought his thoughts right back to Toji. 'He got the worst of it on his first day… far worse than any of us. I might've been inside a Unit that went crazy once… well, twice if we count today… and what actually happened today?' he suddenly wondered, his train of thought suddenly derailed. 'I just remember getting really angry, and then…'

He shook his head off, ignoring the odd anger lingering somewhere inside of him. He knew that he should at least try to understand what has happened to him inside his Unit – but right now, he was simply too tired to think – and to control himself, should any of this make him react in an odd way. After all, if Asuka saw him break down right now, this would not end up well. He pushed the thoughts aside and just stared out of the car's window.

It just felt safer.

...

Section 2 delivered them to the door of the building; as usual, it happened without much of a word except a promise that once the "incident" – as NERV insistently called the destruction of Matsushiro test facility and the takeover of Unit-03 – was cleared, they would be informed. Any further question they decided to ask was answered with various versions of "please ask your commanding officer, I am just following orders here". Asuka, of course, could not stop herself from a bitter quip of "they said that at Nuremberg, too, and look where it got them", which only reminded the Section 2 operative of why the Ikari-Soryu duty was considered the more problematic one.

Afterwards, Shinji made a quick dinner and for once, Asuka did not complain about the "Japanese people misunderstanding Western things: fast-food edition"; she just ate it slowly and without much conviction.

...

"It seems we're on our own", Shinji finally broke the silence that fell after the dinner. He did it in a tone that Asuka heard as something between sad and sarcastic. "They don't seem to worry too much about us staying on our own anymore."

"Well, maybe they finally started to treat us as adults?" she replied with a shrug, her tone somewhere between resignation and bitter amusement.

"I don't feel like an adult", he replied with a worried expression. "Do you? I guess it's about making your own decisions and–"

"Stop. Don't even try to go there", she declared abruptly with a suddenly angry face – and, after standing up, paused; when she spoke again, her tone was lower and devoid of expression except for a tinge of sadness – or at least this was what Shinji heard and immediately dismissed as almost impossible. "Thanks for the supper. I'm taking the bathroom first."

"Sure", he replied automatically and let out a sigh the moment she was behind the closed door, his head suddenly full of bitter thoughts about the best relationship of his life – and growing resignation. The thought 'I guess it was fun while it lasted' appeared first, somewhat countered by a steadfast refusal to believe that this could be the end. The following 'But what else could it be? I love her, but I don't know if I can forgive her…' was once more countered by 'if she still loves me, we can still make it work' – to which his mind replied with a simple 'if', rendering any further pondering pointless.

Shinji shook his increasingly spinning head, trying to focus on something else. There were enough chores around to distract him.

At least for now.

...

As much as Asuka would refuse to admit it, she sometimes enjoyed a moment or two alone. Being in the centre of attention was, of course, pleasant – especially if she could, at the same time, relish in her power over people – but quite often it was also tiring, not to mention annoying.

On the other hand, when she was surrounded by people – or at least in presence of some people, even as colourless as Shinji was – she was safe from her own thoughts.

And right now, being alone with her thoughts suddenly became unpleasant and filled with images of the battle – and her failure.

'I can't justify what I did' was her first thought; this confused her. 'Of course I can! I was doing what I was supposed to do! It was just the circumstances that made it impossible!' cameright after. 'No, this is all wrong. I was supposed to kill an Angel, and I hesitated. I wanted to save the gorilla. I put his life first…' she realised with certain dismay. 'So, I messed up – but I did it for him" followed, bringing her mixed feelings: on one hand, she has indeed failed in combat, and this was a bitter pill to swallow; on the other, she did what she could for Shinji. 'I went against my entire training, and he better appreciate it!' she concluded.

She was aware that this was not the best conclusion she could have drawn under the circumstances – but it would have to be enough.

At least for now.

...

"I heard the phone", Asuka stated the moment she emerged from the bathroom, wrapped in towels. "Was that Misato?"

"Kaji-san", Shinji corrected with a shake of his head. "They ran her through all the scans, and she is fine", he reported with relief clear in his voice, "but they're keeping her for observation at the hospital for tonight, and… I guess he's staying with her. He told us to be 'good kids', and… well. She'll be here tomorrow", he finished with a dim smile on his face.

"Oh. Right", she replied after a momentary pause, looking away. "Okay. Goodnight, then."

"Goodnight", he replied in a subdued voice, his smile gone.

...

Asuka Langley-Soryu was feeling restless. She could not point a finger at the reason, nor could she justify it. But the increasingly annoying feeling was evident in her every move, in her every gesture, in her every thought. She tried to read – but could not focus. She tried to analyse her emotions, a semi-spiritual trick she was taught once by one of the people who trained her – but failed to even name the feeling. She tried to brush her still-wet hair way too soon, in the vain hope that it would distract her, but it betrayed her by tangling from her impatient moves. She tried to blame someone, and while her initial reflex was to blame Shinji, she had to admit – even if only to herself – that she could not do that in clear conscience. She tried to relax, her back on her bed, her eyes on the ugly ceiling – but all it accomplished was a series of frustration-filled punches to her pillow. She tried to dress for the night, but as she was putting her sleeping shirt on, she realised that she put it on backwards, tore it off, and threw it against the wall. And that only made her annoyed since it went down without making any real sound.

"Aaach, Scheiß drauf!" she finally exclaimed and stomped towards the door. She knew that she was taking a risk of making Shinji angry and having her head end up like one of Unit-03 did, a part of her mind decided that this was preferable to just lying on the bed and staring out of the window while devising creative ways of murdering him. And while she would never admit it, even to herself, she knew well that this was not something she could resolve on her own; consciously, she simply framed it as 'if I don't do something, I'll go crazy, and yelling it out at him is doing something'.

Only when her hand was ready to slide the door aside, she realised that perhaps putting at least a t-shirt and some shorts on would be a reasonable thing to do; after all, she wanted to confront the idiot, not murder him with a heart attack.

...

Shinji Ikari, unaware of the coming storm, was busying himself with doing some overdue chores – things that could have waited for a better time, things that were mundane and simple enough to keep his mind occupied and free from thoughts. He was halfway through reordering the spice box and taking notes of those that could use restocking when the door of Asuka's room opened with a force that made him happy that they did not have any immediate neighbours.

He turned towards her to kindly suggest that, despite complaints being unlikely, doing this in the late evening was not the best idea – and found himself speechless as he beheld the fury that Asuka embodied. "Listen, idiot", she started before he could even try to speak. "Spill it. I get it, you've got a problem with me. I can well guess what it is, I'm not dumb. But either you say it now, or–" she paused, unsure which of the dozen threats that she wanted to make was the right one. "Or I'm beating the ever-living shit out of you, no matter that you're my boyfriend, fellow pilot, or roommate – I don't care."

Shinji Ikari, taken aback by the suddenness of the assault, just stared at her for a few moments, mainly because his own feelings in reaction to those words confused him. Asuka's words angered him, obviously; he might have been used to her outbursts, but it did not mean it was any easier to bear them and the fact that he rarely reacted did not mean he did not feel the anger.

But that alone would not be anything strange; he would feel attacked, angry, hurt – and he would grit his teeth and let it slide. But there was something else: the lingering anger that made him beat up the Angel, hitherto kept under wraps and reasoned away as being caused by Gendo's decisions, sensed a fellow feeling – and was rising.

His breath started to speed up, his vision began turning white, and the inside of his head was starting to hum. The words started to bubble up, seemingly entirely on their own; he knew that a wrong word could cost him a lot – but at this moment, this did not seem that important anymore. "Pity Toji's just a fellow pilot, right? Perhaps if he lived with us, you'd have more issues with endangering him", he spat out.

Asuka stopped in her tracks, her eyes wide. She expected him to mention Toji, yes – but because of the way Shinji put it and the tone he said in, those words felt like a slap in her face. "This is what you think of me? That I didn't care for him?! That I thought him a stranger? That I didn't care whether he lived or died?!" she exclaimed as she shook her head. "You're really an idiot… no, you're a prince in the kingdom of idiots!"

"Do you really care?" he asked insistently as he put the small jar on the table with a little too much force, a part of his mind unwilling to abandon the task he interrupted and hoping he would remember where to resume – that was, of course, assuming that he would survive the upcoming events. "Didn't you just fight him? One wrong blow and – and you would've killed–"

"I didn't kill him, you told me yourself he's–" she interjected.

"He was lucky!" Shinji shot back. "You could've killed him! It was heartless of you! You told me it was him inside, you knew that first, but you didn't care!"

Asuka just stared at him in disbelief for a moment, her eyes growing even larger by the second, her hands balling into fists. "What the hell are you thinking?" she growled in a low tone. "What do you mean by 'didn't care'?"

"You fought as if–"

She shook her head again. "I tried. I held back. I messed this all up exactly because I was fighting to disable the bastard, not to hurt him!" she almost yelled, gesturing as if she tried to indicate the battlefield. "And that's my reward? You, telling me I should've – what?! – lie down and let it walk over me?"

"It did", Shinji blurted out – and immediately regretted it, regardless of his anger; this was a low blow, by any standards – and by his own, this was almost unthinkable.

Asuka's eyes grew even wider in surprise – and then narrowed in anger; any feelings of guilt and any will to reconcile were evaporating quickly; she seemed to have missed his expression of regret. "You're a fucking ingrate", she hissed in a way that would make him stake a step back if he was not already against the kitchen tabletop. While he heard Asuka curse before, it was rarely so explicit that she had to revert to English for some words to do it right. "I was trying to save you, idiot! And him, too!"

"I didn't need saving! Maybe–"

"Bullshit", she sneered. "I heard you talking. You didn't even try to resist! You just refused to fight! It was a small miracle you're still alive! This is not the regular enemy you can negotiate with!" she rattled out far too quickly for Shinji to interject. "What good would refusing do?! You'd be dead! I'd be alone! And Toji would be dead, too, because they'd just nuke the Angel! Just as they did your first and that damned splitting one!"

Shinji did not reply; he seemed dumbfounded but the whole tirade.

"It wouldn't kill you to use your brain, once in a while" she picked up again, her voice now lower but her gaze still full of anger. "We're soldiers, we make the hard choices. Good that I was there to do it for you, right?"

Shinji's jaw clenched; his thoughts were now stampeding, bereft of any control. He knew it would be better if he stood down, turned away, perhaps even try to run; after all, Asuka, as the recent events have proven once more, was not prone to surrender or even take a step back. But Asuka's current attitude was not helping, he was angry – and he did not have any time left to think. "You failed", he blurted out.

Asuka's jaw dropped, her stare turning into one of disbelief.

"You know what?" she started in a suddenly low voice, cold as the ball her insides tangled into. "Fuck you. I tried to save you. I tried to save you, and to satisfy your absurd demands, both. Fuck that. It's your fault I failed; I should've ripped that thing apart, danger to Toji or not", she said as she was doing her best not to show how hurt she felt right now; still, her eyes were saying that well enough; she only hoped she would not start crying here and now. "You're on your own now, Shinji-dear. I'll have your back, don't you ever doubt that, but I'm not taking your advice or suggestions. Goodnight… and I hope you're happy now", she said in almost a flat tone as she headed towards the door and started to pull her shoes on.

"Wh-where are you going?" he asked in a confused voice.

"Do you really care? Don't try to follow me, and don't you dare send any of those goons after me", she replied in a tone that would accept no objection – and a moment later, she was gone.

Shinji was left standing there, unsure of what to think or what to do.

After a few long moments of staring into nothingness, he turned back to the kitchen tabletop and mechanically picked up the spice jar left there.

A vacant mind was better than a troubled one, after all.

...

Asuka, despite her emotional state, retained enough instincts and reason to stay away from the streets at night. She headed towards the rooftop instead, remembering from her initial look around the building that it was barely locked; back in that time, she thought scouting in such detail was paranoid – and now she was glad she did it.

The cool air of the evening, the hard cold ground she was sitting on, and the rough wall behind her back calmed her down a bit, but it would take much more for her to get rid of all of the anger, pain, and disappointment she accumulated in those few short minutes. 'Why. Why did you have to be such an idiot?! Why can't you see the things for what they are?' was the major thought in her head.

Other thoughts tried to reach her conscious mind: a suggestion that she was not blameless; a thought that he might be worrying about her right now; a whisper that he might be right on some points.

She pushed them all away. Right now, she felt hurt. Hurt by his words, hurt by his attitude, hurt by him. She admitted to herself that it was her who started the confrontation – but it was not her who threw the first punch.

And now she was here, alone. She refused to call it a defeat, but this was, by any measure, not a victory.

Tears formed in her eyes; she did not want to cry at all, and least of all, because of him – but this was not something she could stop, being just as exhausted emotionally as she was physically. And so, she had to let them flow.

Only when there were no tears left in her, she whispered hoarsely: "God above… if this is some test, then I'm warning you, I'm not going to take it lying down on a pile of crap, arguing with you. I hate this, and if this is your doing, I'm going to hate you, and believe me, neither of us wants that. So… if you did this, you better fix it, or it'll get ugly and you won't get another nice didactic Bible book out of it. And if it's not your doing… well, never mind then. I'll handle it. Somehow, I guess", she sighed. "Amen."

This has brought her some semblance of stability – but it was far from enough.

She returned home late into the night; aside from needing to pull herself together, a part of her did not want to confront Shinji on the way back. Fortunately for her, she did not have to – once she managed to get home, the apartment was dark.

And once more, she refused to admit that she was quite relieved seeing that Shinji's shoes were still there.