VI – "All wrong"

Major Misato Katsuragi returned to her apartment as soon as she was allowed to by the medical personnel. She entered the apartment with an overwhelming urge to shower at her own place instead of hospital facilities and eat something decent before going back to work – NERV never cared much about medical leave except the bare necessities, after all – but she could not help to be confused by how quiet this place now was.

She was, of course, as always, greeted by Shinji and asked in detail about her condition. Once she had reassured him that she was fine, her visible injuries notwithstanding, she was fed proper breakfast and questioned about Toji – to which she was happy to report that he was fine as well, just as the initial report indicated; "bruised no worse than after last year sports' competitions", she relayed based on his medical record, "but this time, at least nothing is broken" and "once we are sure it is safe, we will wake him up".

But any attempts to pierce the veil of silence that followed from their side, be it by riling up Asuka – who seemed to be quite under the weather – or asking Shinji – who seemed to be downright morose aside from his short moment of happiness in response to the good news – were unsuccessful. They replied with the usual "fine" and "no problems at school"; Misato had no reason to mistrust them on that – after all, their grades have improved significantly over the last few weeks – but it felt incomplete as if there was some invisible animal in the room – felt, but unseen.

'I didn't even leave them for that long!What could've happened?' she mused in exasperation, eyeing both of her charges for any clues – but to no avail. 'Teens… I get it, they don't have it easy here, but if I managed to get through my teenage years unscathed, they shouldn't have any problems, not with me to talk to! On the other hand, they had a somewhat worse start… oh well', she finally shrugged, 'they can always turn to me. I just hope this won't affect their synch rates. Or everyone will be in trouble…'

And with that conclusion, she carried on with her day. After all, there was not much else she could do about the two – and plenty of things she had to do at NERV.

...

Later that day

"Hey, Hikari, you got some time after school? I'm in a mood for some time spent with someone reasonable", Asuka asked loud enough for half the class to hear – after making sure that Shinji would be in that half.

"We should be studying for the Maths test, Asuka-san", Hikari replied in a much lower voice. It was pretty obvious that this request had made her uncomfortable – not just because behaving like regular teens felt somehow inappropriate now, in the face of one of their own being in the hospital. She was, plain and simple, worried about Suzuhara: the class was told that he had "an accident" but "suffered no serious injuries" and "was going to be fine". But since they were not letting anyone visit him yet, she still suspected the worst.

And what she saw happening in class was also not helping her mood, either. She knew she was perhaps not the best judge of emotions and – as Asuka would be quick to point out – it was none of her business, but she was empathetic enough to notice that the interactions between Asuka and her flatmate have changed drastically. Over the last few weeks, their behaviour towards each other has somewhat become more civil: while they were clearly not friends yet, they were far less hostile when interacting – and Hikari was happy to see that Asuka was finally learning to behave properly.

But now, all that was lost, and any hope for normalcy returning to the classroom was gone with it. Asuka has effectively reverted to the boisterous, aggressive, and disdainful ways she seemed to be slowly shedding over that time, her words now once more used as weapons – weapons directed at Shinji primarily and at anyone who dared bother her secondarily.

And Shinji… well, he looked even worse; in the beginning, when Asuka arrived, he seemed subdued, and Hikari did not blame him: after all, Asuka was difficult to handle even for someone as experienced as she was, and Shinji was anything but experienced, and definitely did not know how to treat a girl right. The fact that Asuka had some… unwelcome habits from her time in Germany and clearly lacked some social mores was just adding to the problem. But then, things started to mellow out – and work quite well.

Until now. Now, he looked borderline depressed, as impossible as it could have sounded when discussing a teenager in his position: he was barely responsive, limited his activity to answering teachers' questions, and his interactions with other classmates were virtually limited to Aida. 'I understand, Suzuhara is his closest friend, and it had to hit him harder that the rest of the class. But this can't be just that! Is Asuka's mean streak getting to him again? Or maybe he just did something stupid to her again? She might not care much about how to behave, but he doesn't know anything about girls… and they still live under one roof! I am far from questioning the decisions of their commanders, I am sure they have important reasons… but this is just wrong!' she kept musing as she watched Aida doing his best to cheer Shinji up – and failing.

"Hey, Hikari, you there?" Asuka's voice sounded just next to her again.

"Um… yes?" Hikari snapped back. "I told you, we should be studying for the test", she replied quickly.

"And I told you this test is both dumb and easy, haven't you been listening?" Asuka asked in an annoyed tone, her face almost a pout. "I'll explain everything to you, no worries!"

Hikari let out a heavy sigh; she saw being friends with Asuka as part of her duties, and she had to admit that it was not so bad most of the time. The girl was smart, outgoing, and trustworthy – and she surely brought some liveliness into Hikari's life; even if she had a little less time to spend together recently, it was still fine. But sometimes, just sometimes – Asuka happened to act like this… and unwittingly reminded Hikari that this friendship came in with a price tag attached, a part of that price being Asuka not understanding the concepts of compromise and other people have their needs too.

"All right", she finally agreed, reluctance obvious in her voice. "But I have to be home by seven. There's a lot to–"

"Sure thing", Asuka's expression turned into a happy grin. "Thanks, and don't worry!"

Hikari kept her comment about Asuka's approach to things to herself – and took a quick look at Shinji. 'I hope this is not some weird way of making him miserable…'

...

"Shinji", Kensuke finally spoke after a few minutes of walking in silence. "What really happened?"

"What?" Shinji shook his head. "What do you mean?"

"What happened to Toji? That's just too many coincidences! First, he's in thought all the time – him, in thought, imagine that! – then he vanishes, and then he's had an accident right when another Evangelion arrived and the great battle happened!" he listed. "He was piloting it, wasn't he?"

Shinji took a deep breath, calming the anger that started to rise in his chest; he knew that this was supposed to be a secret – but so was his status as a pilot, so was – in theory – his whole involvement in the NERV business, and, really, so was the entire purpose of NERV. 'If NERV is so bad at keeping its secrets, why should I care? What they're going to do, shoot me?' he growled internally before speaking up with a nod. "Yes. He's a pilot now. And… and it didn't go too well."

"But they said he was fine!" Kensuke's tone was clearly fearful.

"He is", Shinji confirmed, averting his gaze. "He got lucky."

"Did he defeat the Angel?" Kensuke's tone was now relieved, and his curiosity now peaked. It was the first time Shinji was actually willing to share that much information, and he was not going to waste that opportunity.

Shinji stopped for a moment, unsure how to answer. He did not want to lie – but telling Kensuke the truth would make him only hate Shinji – and he was the only person that was still talking to him. Well, perhaps except for Misato and Kaji, but those were adults and could hardly be counted as friends. And Toji… Toji had every reason to hate him right now; Shinji fully expected to be beaten up again once Toji was on his feet. "The Angel was defeated", he finally replied. "And he had his hand in it", he added, trying his best to stay technically correct – and his stomach suddenly twisted as he remembered who taught him that approach. He heard that Kensuke was saying something, perhaps even asking questions – but he did not listen.

The image of the girl he had lost was just too present in his mind.

...

Hikari was following a confusingly cheerful Asuka; she was, after all, always willing to accommodate and assist, even if her own mind was full of personal problems – and full it was indeed. 'They're not letting anyone see him. They told me "they'll consider making an exception once he's able to take visitors"… I just want to watch over him! Is it so hard to–'

"Hikari, come here!" Asuka motioned towards a dress in yet another shop's display. "Check this out!"

She let out a sigh and obliged her once more. She knew that in the end, Asuka was not a bad person – just a very insensitive one and that this was a flaw that was very difficult to grow out of; she has been giving her the benefit of a doubt for a while, and she knew that it would have to continue like this for a while longer – especially that Asuka had moments when she was, actually, a pretty good friend.

Hikari even tried to raise the subject of Suzuhara – and Asuka was supportive, actively reassuring her that he was in a NERV hospital, under literally the best possible care that was possible in the world, and she had nothing to worry about. "Listen, I shouldn't be telling you this… but those things they put us into, the Entry Plugs, those things are practically indestructible. And believe me, the idiot took the possible best care of the go– of Suzuhara during that latest m– sortie", she added with a suddenly changed, difficult-to-decipher look on her face. "And once he's back on his feet, you'll get your hands on him in no time!"

It was not the kind of support Hikari wished for, but she had to admit it did raise her spirits a bit. She was also not sure whether Asuka was aware of how many NERV secrets she just slipped in those few sentences – but, luckily for the redhead, Hikari could keep a secret. Especially for a friend. And so, thankful for this odd but still helpful moment, she smiled and kept maintaining her I am fine face – until the time came, and she politely but insistently said that she needed to go and followed on that despite Asuka's protests.

What she failed to see was Asuka's real state of mind.

'Shit. Even the whole afternoon didn't help', the redhead growled internally soon after she parted ways with Hikari and was left alone – or, more precisely, alone with her thoughts. 'What good are people, if they can't help me fix that stupid mood?!'

"Hey, what's a cutie like you doing alone? Someone stood you up?" interrupted her thoughts – and soon enough, she took full advantage of having a viable and legitimate target for her anger. She quietly admitted to herself that delivering a full dressing-down to a relatively innocent boy who just wanted to chat her up was a bit too much – but she quickly reasoned it away as "he talked to me, this means he is now a combatant, not an unarmed civilian" and smiled triumphantly as they boy retreated – no, almost ran away – after the series of comments and remarks about his laughable appearance, questionable attitude, and mediocre chances to pick anyone with working eyes and half a brain up.

Of course, that triumph lasted just for a moment and brought little relief.

The image of the boy she had lost was just too present in her mind.

...

It was already getting dark when Asuka returned to the apartment. She was immediately greeted by the familiar smell of Shinji's cooking – and while it would usually make her stomach rumble, right now, it made her stomach twist.

"Good evening, Asuka", Shinji greeted her carefully. "Dinner will be ready in about fifteen minutes."

"Geez, maybe you'll stick some suffix to my name, too", she scoffed as she made her way to her room. "Is'hello' too informal for you now?"

He gave her a look that could be seen as either tired or annoyed. "At least I say something when I enter."

"Oh, forgive me for not being a prim and proper lady", she retorted with a twitch on her face. "Good evening, Ikari-sama", she said in a sickeningly sweet tone and curtsied clumsily. "Will you grace me with your attention?"

Shinji let out a heavy sigh, shook his head, and turned back to the stove without a further word. Asuka, suddenly unpleasantly aware that this did not go exactly her way and her ears were suddenly burning, retreated to her room. 'I am going to murder him if this goes on' was a fleeting thought that appeared in her mind.

She dismissed it as quickly as it appeared, though.

After all, it would be dumb to kill the single person in this household that could actually cook.

...

Asuka was saved from the risk of engaging in yet another exchange with Shinji by Misato's timely arrival – and a sudden cloud of seriousness and worry that arrival let into the apartment, only reinforced by her words that came just after the greeting. "Guys, I've got bad news", she announced with a tired voice before she even sat at the table. "Doctor Akagi… well, she's not going to be working for a while."

"What happened?" Shinji asked immediately. "Is she all right?"

"She's… not", Misato admitted after a moment of hesitation. "Not really. They let her return to work sooner than they let me, on her insistence, I believe… and this has proven to be too much for her", she explained, proud of herself on how true that statement was despite omitting several crucial details. "She is under good care now, and Sciences is now run by Lieutenant Ibuki, so you'll be seeing her a bit more often."

"You didn't tell us what happened", Asuka pointed out. "'Proven too much', what, she had a heart attack at the ripe age of… what, thirty-five?"

"Thirty", Misato corrected automatically with an insistence that made Asuka smirk. "We don't know yet", she continued, this time being quite truthful. "She was unconscious and received medical attention immediately, but the Commander demanded that the reports be delivered to him directly… which, of course, is his right, since he is her direct superior."

"Well, no stupid tests for a while, I guess", Asuka shrugged with disdain, eliciting a stern look from Misato – and to everyone's surprise, from Shinji as well.

"They're not stupid, Asuka", he objected. "They're tedious, sure, but aren't they needed to keep the Evangelions running right?"

"And since when are you defending her torture methods?" Asuka scoffed. "Oh, wait, I know! You must be a masochist, how else could you enjoy going through them?" she smirked.

"Well, yes, I must be, since I still live under this roof, even though you are still here", he replied with an amount of venom in his voice that made Misato's eyes go wide. "Here you are, Misato-san", he added immediately in his usual soft voice as he put the bowl before the woman stunned by the sudden contrast in his tone. "Do you want a beer with that?"

"I-I'll get one myself, thank you, Shin-chan", Misato replied, shaking her head in confusion.

"Not just a masochist, but also an idiot", Asuka remarked. "If I bother you so much, why don't you move out? I'm sure your daddy would find you a nice, cosy place at the Headquarters."

"I was here first, you know", he countered with a hint of annoyance. "First of us two, that is. If anyone was to move out, that would be–"

"Would you two please stop it?" Misato erupted as she slammed the unopened can on the table – and immediately sighed, returned it to the fridge, and got herself a new one. "It was a bad day, my friend is in the hospital, and you're not making it any better!"

"Well, at least you know what is going on with your friend", Asuka countered. "We just have to trust that our friend is 'fine', and nobody's allowed to visit, not me, not the idiot, not the Class Rep."

Shinji gave her a strange and confused look but said nothing; he just quietly put the bowl of food in front of her and went to fill his own.

"No, Asuka", Misato spoke in a surprisingly low voice. "I don't know. They won't let me visit her, either. I told you, the Commander effectively isolated the doctor. And they will let you see Suzuhara the moment he wakes up and the doctors will be able to tell there is no brain damage or contamination. It might very well be tomorrow because this is when they'll try to pull him out of the medication-induced coma."

"And you were going to tell us that… when?" she asked, her tone somewhat more subdued.

"Right after the news about Doctor Akagi. I thought those more important, you know?" Misato's tone turned almost scolding.

"All right, all right", Asuka rolled her eyes. "Just don't keep us waiting. Hikari's already going nuts."

"Hikari?" Shinji furrowed his brow.

"You're just like Suzuhara, you know?" Asuka shot back. "Blind and dumb. No wonder you two get along so well."

Shinji gave her a heavy look and instead of replying, dug into his food.

Misato let out a quiet sigh and downed half a can in a few gulps. It seemed that the atmosphere at home was not going to be helpful. 'Ritsuko… you always had a shitty sense of timing, that was clear since that time you walked on me and Kaji in the middle of… well. But this, this was bad even by your standards', she mused with a mix of annoyance and dark humour, the variety that seemed to be overtaking her sense of humour recently and quickly heading towards the gallows variety. 'And I'd love to know what the fuck is going with those two… before I have to lock them up in a cell together to force them to make up!'

...

A few days later at NERV HQ

Shinji was breathing regularly – or, more precisely, forcing himself to breathe regularly; the odd feeling of LCL was not making it easy. He was told that the liquid was supposed to be non-invasive, almost imperceptible – but he was still unpleasantly aware that it was not air that was going to his lungs. 'At least I am no longer retching when I get it out…' he mused, thankful for this small blessing.

Of course, it was not the LCL's presence that was the real problem here: it was being alone with his thoughts that were a serious obstacle to his attempts to do at least decent on the synch test. Regretfully, as much as he wished to do that, he could not just turn them off. Focusing on his breathing definitely helped, but it was only a half-measure; thinking of school was a temporary relief… except for the fact that it brought his thoughts, without fail, back on track that was going towards either Asuka or Toji. As a result, 'I am hopeless' was the only conclusion he could reach, no matter how many times he tried to prove himself otherwise.

"Rei, you're done", Major Katsuragi's voice sounded in the comms. "You can go. Asuka, Shinji, we're going to run another round of tests."

...

Initially, Asuka was simply annoyed by yet another test; she was, after all, counting that the temporary unavailability of Doctor Akagi would at least put a pause on that part of their life as pilots, a part she did not really care for. Soon after, her mood went to increasingly vexed by being kept inside the simulation bodies for longer than usual without as much as a word of explanation. And now, the Major's words have upgraded that state to angry. "Seriously?! It's been four hours already! Why don't you let us at least play some music here?" she burst out.

"It would affect the results, and you know that all too well, Asuka", Major Katsuragi's voice came in, echoing oddly. "Your rates dropped, and we need to find out why. So, you two stay put and do your part."

Asuka growled quietly in response – and louder when Rei Ayanami, the perfect and impeccable Wondergirl, departed with a quiet, emotionless "goodbye". As her anger was still rising, she turned her attention to the only viable target.

"Hey, idiot, I bet you're happy", she started. "Tell me, how do you like to be kept here for twice as long? I know, I know", she continued as he did not react, "you're a good boy who likes to follow–"

"Asuka, stop it!" Misato demanded. "Be quiet and focus, both of you! I mean: Asuka, be quiet, and both of you focus! Lieutenant, start the test sequence… now."

...

Shinji knew the drill well: calm your mind, focus on something, and let the thoughts flow freely – or, at best, not at all. The problem was that at the moment, those requirements were somewhat contradictory – so he had to choose the best options. Taking another deep breath, he focused on the display in front of him, one that replaced Rei's image. It was showing some flowing data, likely a diagnostic feed; the content did not matter to him, but the regularity of flow did. It was a simple trick, almost stupid in its simplicity – but it worked: he was slowly regaining the steadiness of his thought, as confirmed by a few words of approval from the monitoring station –and even Asuka's visage in the window next to the feed was not taking his mind off it.

Suddenly, his concentration shattered into pieces: he felt like someone embraced him and refused to let go even if his body was telling him it was impossible; his head started spinning, and when he refocused, it was not on the feed, but on Asuka's face. 'I miss her touch' was the thought that hit him, along with a flood of emotions, both warm and sad.

"Shinji, your harmonics are all over the spectrum, what is happening?" Major Katsuragi's loud voice sounded in his comms. "Please focus, you're disrupting the test!"

"I'm trying, Misato-san", he managed to say as he shook his head. "I… I think I'm just tired, it's hard to keep the mind on one track for so long."

"We can try the word association tests, ma'am", Lieutenant Ibuki suggested.

"All right", the Major agreed. "Shinji, please reply to every word without–"

"Misato-san, I know how this is done", Shinji interrupted, his tone borderline annoyed. "It's not my first time. Please start", he requested tiredly.

"All right", Lieutenant Ibuki confirmed. "Let's start. Child?"

"Mother."

"Green?"

"Grass."

"Red?"

'Longing' was the word that flared up in Shinji's mind – but he managed not to say it; instead, he made a second-long pause, insignificant to anyone but a very perceptive therapist – and none was to be found here. "Blood."

"Blue?"

"Hair."

"Geometry?"

"Hard."

As the Lieutenant kept going, he kept responding, his focus now fully on the exercise; he did not even notice when the odd sensation of touch vanished, replaced by the emptiness he was so used to.

...

Asuka, previously just angry and not above expressing it, was now positively fuming with anger. Not only was she left without any attention, but she was also told to be quiet and to wait her turn. Any of those would mess up her day – but delivered all together and put atop of her already-angry disposition were enough to put her in a mood that could easily be described as murderous. Of course, she knew better than to interrupt someone's else exercise – if she did, they would start anew, and they would be here even longer – but this did not mean that she was going to be nice. She listened in to his association test, giving replies in her own mind and smiling when she managed a joke. 'Well, the "Third – turd" joke never gets old', she smirked for a short moment before a feeling of loss she did not want to associate with him made her angry again, angry enough to contemplate hitting him–

She had no time to dwell on that feeling, though – a sudden presence registered in her mind without any warning, just as if something else entered the test body and made itself at home. 'Was zur Hölle?!' came to her mind as indistinct whispers followed.

That was just too much weird for her at once, and so she reacted in the only way she knew – by grabbing all her anger and focusing it against the intrusion, picturing a conflagration that mercilessly incinerated everything in its path. This was how she always fought the "wrong" sensation that sometimes happened when she entered Unit-02, and this was how she resisted the pressure her Unit exerted on her. 'Fahr zur Hölle, Arschloch! Brenn! Brenn! Brenn!'

A searing sensation pierced her mind – and the presence seemed to have lessened significantly. It was then she realised that she was not exactly quiet on the outside. "What the–"

"Asuka, your readings just went crazy, what is going on?" Major Katsuragi's voice sounded, her tone worried.

"Nothing", she replied in a barking tone, angry at herself for losing control like that. "Nothing you should be worried about, Misato", she corrected herself, her voice still angry; this was as far as she could cover the lingering fury. "It's just… hard to focus here", she added, contempt obvious in her tone. 'And as long as you keep putting us in those shit quality bodies that keep frying my brain and making me hear voices, this will keep happening! I wonder what that was… Are people just thinking too loudly around here? Or just some ghost that wandered in?'

"We'll get to you the moment we're done with Shinji", the Major's promise interrupted Asuka's musings just when she was about to chastise herself for superstitious thinking, unbecoming a rational, scientific mind. "Just… be patient for a moment, okay?"

"Yeah, sure", Asuka's reply was laden with disdain; she almost punched the console, disabling the connection on her side. "Of course they took care of him first. Of course. Well, he can kiss my ass…! if he ever deserves that privilege", she scoffed to herself and took a deep breath, her anger quieter now – but threatening to erupt again, as Shinji's face was still in the field of vision. 'Idiot!' was the most coherent statement she could formulate about him as she sulked in silence, once more alone with her thoughts.

Lost in her thoughts, she failed to notice when the presence she singed vanished entirely.

...

About an hour and a half later

"Shinji, Asuka, report to my office once you're ready" sounded in the locker room, making Asuka turn her head as she was buttoning her uniform up.

"Seriously?" she grumbled. "This day is getting better and better…" she shook her head.

A few minutes and an elevator ride later, thanking any higher powers that watched over her that she did not have to share the cabin with Shinji, she rang at the door with the "Director of Tactical Operations" label.

"Come in" came in Katsuragi's voice and Asuka entered, her mood immediately worsened by the fact that he was already there. "Good. Now that I have you both here… let's go."

"Where to?" Asuka raised an eyebrow. "Have the gallows been set up already?"

The Major gave her a tired look in response. "NERV doesn't hang people. Haven't you read the Ops Manual? If an execution is called for, we're doing it military style: a bullet to the head", she replied without as much as a hint of whether she was joking or not. "We need to talk, and for that, we need a more suitable place, my office is too small. Follow me, and enjoy the tour", she added with just a hint of annoyance in her tone.

Asuka gave Shinji a confused glance behind Katsuragi's back – but he shrugged it off with an equally confused expression mixed with annoyance as he turned to follow the Major. 'Useful as always', Asuka grumbled to herself, rolled her eyes, and followed her as well. 'What is this about? "We need to talk" never bodes well. At least it's not "you're going back to Germany right now"… at least I hope it's not', she mused with a suddenly heavy heart. 'I'd hate to be taken away from–'

She terminated the thought with extreme prejudice the moment she realised whom she was thinking about.

'Get a grip, Soryu!'