Redpanda6290: Thank you. I appreciate it a lot.
Guest: Thank you. I'd have loved to have had someone like her as I was growing up.
FromTumblr: Thank you.
SunDanceQT: I high key think Aubrey would use sex as a type of stress relief.
96itadakimasu96: I mean, would they really be Mitchsen if they weren't going at it?
Pixie1913: Because you would never really BE safe.
OrthoGoddess07: Or if she remembers anything at all. ...I'm kidding. Or am I?
G: Don't we all?
Guest: Thank you!
Dysrhythmia
If you only knew,
I'm hanging by a thread, the web I spin for you.
If you only knew,
I'd sacrifice my beating heart before I'd lose you.
I still hold onto the letters you returned;
I swear, I've lived and learned.
It's 4:03, and I can't sleep;
Without you next to me,
I toss and turn like the sea.
If I drown tonight,
Bring me back to life;
Breathe your breath in me.
The only thing that I still believe in is you.
If you only knew.
- Shinedown
It occurs to Aubrey that lights on or lights off doesn't matter to Chloe, but she leaves them off when she enters the room anyway. The cot where Chloe's dad had previously been sleeping is still on the floor. She gives it a brief glance as she walks over to the nearest chair, and curls up with her feet on the seat. Maybe there is a way to take Chloe home with her. She can go back to work right away, hire a private nurse… People do that, right? She would need a cheaper apartment, but if Beca, Julia, and Noah all decide to stay and get jobs in Queens, it's not like it would be too much of a financial burden. There has to be something she can do to remain close to Chloe until she wakes up.
Sit up straight, Aubrey, she tells herself sarcastically in her head as she wraps her arm around her legs, and tucks the lower half of her face against her knees, Get a grip on yourself. Man the fuck up. Stop being so god damn 'soft' and 'fragile'. Neither of those words describe what it means to a strong person. They don't describe how she wants to present herself to the world. And they don't describe a person that she can stand being. They're the adjectives that describe a failure, someone who is weak. She must really fucking suck if those are the things Beca and Julia like about her – If there is nothing to like more than that.
She likes to think that she would be faring a little better if not for Chloe though – that if Chloe was conscious, she could have put the rest of this behind her already. But Chloe isn't conscious, and that's not the case. Chloe is unconscious, and nothing about Aubrey is how it should be. She's a stranger to herself. She doesn't know this Aubrey who's sitting motionless in the dark, hugging her knees to her chest. The Aubrey she knows would be pouring over case files right now, so she could focus on going back to work as soon as possible. She just can't find the willpower to do anything, other than sit in this room and wonder how all of this happened.
Never once did Jesse ever show any type of animosity toward her or Chloe. Not once did he tell them to back off – as far as she knows. But she's pretty sure if Jesse had ever been a dick to Chloe, she would have known about it. And Luke and Nikki? They didn't even know her or Chloe. So, there had to be some other motive. But what? Threats? Why didn't they go to the police, in that case? Blackmail? What convinces a person to kill? What convinces a person to massacre an entire group of innocent people? Why not just break into her apartment, and kill her and Chloe, just the two of them? What did anybody else ever do to him?
It just doesn't make any sense.
Thinking about it alone gives her a headache, but it's not exactly like she can brainstorm with Beca.
She lowers her forehead to her knees and closes her eyes.
xxxxx
Something jolts Aubrey awake. She bolts upright from her position crammed into the small chair, immediately on high alert. The room is still dark. The monitors hooked up to Chloe still beep at a steady pace. She isn't sure when she fell asleep, or how long she's been out for – but maybe she had been dreaming and can't remember, and that's why her heart is hammering away in her chest. Outside the door, she can hear the low murmur of the nurses' voices and the sound of carts being wheeled down the halls. There is nothing to indicate that anything is out of place. She takes a deep breath, and tells herself to be calm.
What if she has to spend the rest of her life like this? Constantly afraid…
Someone knocks on the door, and sends her heart right back into overdrive. That's what had woken her up. Her immediate response is to look for somewhere to hide, because who the hell knocks on a coma patient's door? Unless it's her mom… No, she would knock and then open the door regardless of whether or not she received an answer. Even in the dark, she can see that the room is too sparsely furnished to provide a place where she won't be seen. If someone is here for her, she's screwed…
But how would anyone sneak by with all the nurses and police officers loitering around? Aubrey had barely gotten one step off the elevator the first time she visited Chloe before someone told her this floor was closed to unrecognized visitors.
She slowly stands up, despite the protests made by her aching body and her fear. If someone wants her dead, no one is stopping them from opening the door and killing her. Her fingernails dig into her palm as she clenches her fist during the short walk across the room. It's probably just her mom wondering why the hell she isn't in bed, and she just wants to give Aubrey the opportunity to answer the door before she barges in. Everything is fine.
She stops just in front of the door. Someone is breathing loud, noisy breaths, and it takes her a moment to realize that it's her breathing like she smokes five packs of cigarettes per day. She unclenches her fist, and slowly reaches for the knob, only opening the door and few centimeters.
"So, you are here," Beca says, "I was starting to think the nurses lied."
"What are you doing here?" Aubrey asks.
"What am I doing here?" Beca is annoyed. She's staring at Aubrey, clearly unhappy with her.
Aubrey just nods.
"I was looking for you," Beca answers, "I woke up, and you weren't there. You can't just go sneaking around in the middle of the night."
"Did you wake my mom?"
"No. If I did, she would be here. Dude, come back to bed. You can see Chloe later, during the day."
"Do you know how far the hospital is probably going to be from where we are in Queens?" Aubrey asks.
"No, and neither do you, apparently."
"What if she dies?" Aubrey whispers, "What if she dies, and I'm not there? What if she dies, and no one is there?"
Beca doesn't answer that; she just stands there, arms hanging limply by her sides. How can she just stand there, not saying anything?
"Tell me she isn't going to die," Aubrey demands.
"Aubrey, she's not going to die," Beca answers, without missing a beat, "Come back to bed."
"I'd rather stay here. I need to be with her." Aubrey swipes her hand across her red-rimmed eyes. Too little sleep? Too much? All she knows is that she feels it. "You're welcome to stay."
"I don't want-"
"I don't care," Aubrey replies, not giving her a chance to finish, "She would want you in this room. You know she would."
"And we can go through the motions of her being pissed at me for not being in there when she wakes up."
If. If she wakes up. No, she is going to wake up. Aubrey is going to go home to Queens and do medical research, so much research, and find some way to wake her up. She gives Beca a watery smile, then closes the door in her face.
xxxxx
There is another knock. The moment Aubrey sits back down on the chair, Beca is knocking again. "The door opens from the outside too!" She buries her face in her hand, then peaks up in Chloe's direction. "You left me stuck with her. I hope you're enjoying it somewhere inside of your head right now."
Beca taps her fist on the door once more.
Aubrey groans and stands up, then storms back to the door. "What, Beca?" she asks, reopening the door, "What?"
"Come back to bed," Beca persists.
"I said no." Aubrey goes to shut the door again, becoming even more rattled as Beca lodges her foot into the doorway. "What is your problem?"
"My problem?"
Aubrey's question should be self-explanatory. She has her foot in the doorway, when all Aubrey wants is to just go sit down with Chloe. "Beca," she says her name slowly, followed by a very purposeful breath. She's not going to lose her cool. "I-"
"My problem is I don't want to sleep alone," Beca talks over here, "There. Jesus."
Oh. Well…that's a problem that Aubrey can actually understand and empathize with. Fuck.
"It's different at night than it is during the day," Beca rambles on, "And during the day, I actually know where you are. I don't just wake up in the dark, and you're not fucking there, Aubrey. Why the hell didn't you wake me up and tell me you were leaving?"
"You told me not to wake you up!"
"That was different. That was different, because you were just going to get breakfast. It wasn't the middle of the night. I thought you were dead for a second." Beca lifts both of her hand to her forehead. "What the fuck…"
The irritation slowly starts leaking out of her. She hadn't even thought to wake Beca up, even though had she woken up to Beca not being there, she would have been terrified then livid too. "I'm sorry." Aubrey wraps her arm around herself, hugging her mid-section. "All I could think about was being with Chloe."
"How am I supposed to be mad at you for that?" It sounds like a complaint, and Aubrey is thinking the exact same thing about her. "Look, I'm sorry, it just freaked me out that you weren't there. Just don't do that."
Aubrey slumps against the doorway (posture seems trifling now), and glances in the room toward Chloe's bed. She's not going back to her own room... She can't. Not even if it means she has to stand in the doorway, in between the two of them, all night long – and that might be exactly what she has to do. She rests her head against the frame, and looks down at the floor, contemplating sinking down. The only thing stopping her is that it's the floor; people's dirty shoes touch those tiles.
"How do you just sit in there?" Beca asks.
It's an honest question, and Aubrey doesn't really have an answer. "I just know she wouldn't want to be alone either." She looks back up, just in time to see Beca look away from the dark room behind her. "We can keep the lights off. You can barely see her. All you see is the outline of the bed."
"But I'll know she's there."
There is nothing Aubrey can do to fix that. She turns so it's her back against the doorframe, and slouches forward, arm still wrapped around herself.
"Do you remember what happened the last time you didn't sleep?" Beca asks, "You passed out."
"I slept all day." Aubrey leans backward instead, arching her back away from the frame.
"But you still look tired."
"Well, you try being in a constant state of feeling like you're going to puke," Aubrey replies. It's exhausting. Everything is exhausting.
"I don't even like momentary states of feeling like that, so…"
Neither does Aubrey.
"You seemed okay after that time in the auditorium, so I just assumed it was like a cat having a hairball, and-"
"Stop talking."
"Got it."
Aubrey had been okay after that terrible practice – after she went home to change, and Chloe helped her put herself back together again.
"So, we're just gonna stand here all night?" Beca asks, "Just like this?"
Aubrey sure hopes not, because the floor is looking more and more inviting, but that depends on Beca. She's not going back to her own room, and that's the end of it.
"Well, I'm gonna sit…" Beca says, and slowly lowers herself down against the doorframe. "You could go get us chairs."
Yeah. She could.
xxxxx
Aubrey shoved the large plastic trash bag containing her comforter into the garbage shoot on her floor; and as much as she loved Barden, sometimes she really fucking hated it. She hated that there were people everywhere, that there was no fucking privacy. She hated the shared bathrooms and the shared laundry appliances, and how much less humiliating it was to stuff her blanket in the trash than risk being seen washing vomit out of it. It was the only blanket she fucking had.
It felt like a walk of shame back to her room – humiliating, even though it was roughly four in the morning, and no one was roaming the halls. And, yet, it was still less embarrassing than puking in the communal restrooms.
She had done so well thus far. Aside from when Alice caught her puking on the lawn after the Bellas' hazing ritual, which she, fortunately, assumed was only because Aubrey was wasted, her secret was safe. But for how long? How long until something happened and Chloe found out? They were dating. They were living in the same dorm. Had Aubrey not stepped out for air, leaving Chloe to fall asleep with her earphones in, she probably would have ended up throwing up in her bed while sharing it with Chloe – and then she would have thrown herself down the garbage shoot.
She sat down on the edge of her bed, and, in the dim light coming from Chloe's laptop, quadruple checked her pillow for vomit before picking it up and hugging it to her chest. None of this would have happened had her parents not shown up out of the blue to berate her for her Comparative Lit grade right in front of Chloe. They had flow all the way to Atlanta to reprimand her for having a 100% in that class, because it didn't go above and beyond. She had tried to explain that she had asked for extra credit – to which Dr. Mitchell had responded, "Don't you have enough homework? Go have some fun on the quad. Enjoy yourself." To make matters worse, Aubrey was enjoying his class. She didn't even need it for her degree. His Advanced Comparative Literature – Music and Phonology class was something she was taking simply because she liked it. That was obviously a mistake – enjoying herself.
Chloe was out like a light, and Aubrey realized that she was just watching her sleep. These days, they usually both slept in Aubrey's bed. It was…odd being in her bed alone – and it was cold, especially without a blanket. She clenched her jaw, and dug her fingers into her pillow case. It's not like she was sick. It's not like if she woke Chloe up to ask her for her extra blanket that would be passing on some bug; she would just risk vomiting on it, right? Still, she couldn't sleep like this.
She tried to go back to sleep though. She curled up on her side, pillow still hugged tight against her chest, and closed her eyes. The dream that had woken her up and caused her to be sick so suddenly kept cropping back up in her mind. Her father had been giving her a mouthful in front of Chloe, when he started pulling his belt off as he told her to take off her pants, and, the rest, well... She didn't have to go back to sleep with Chloe's blanket; she could stay awake, and still be warm. Yeah, she would do that.
Aubrey sat up and placed her pillow back where it belonged, then wrapped her arms around herself without the barrier in between. Get up, Aubrey. It would have been easier to wake her up had Aubrey's father not made Aubrey feel completely incompetent in front of her. It was a wonder Chloe hadn't already broken up with her and put in a form for a new room assignment. Maybe she had. She approached Chloe's bed, forced to unwrap one of her arms from around herself to shake her awake, since her music was in her ears.
Chloe rolled over and opened her eyes, groggy and confused. It took her a moment to reach up and pull her earphones out. "Hey," she mumbled, "What time did you get back?"
Aubrey watched her feel around on her bed until she found her iPod and tossed it unceremoniously toward the bottom of the bed. "I was wondering if I" - could sleep with you - "could use your extra blanket," she jumped right to the point.
Chloe sat up all the way, then looked at Aubrey's bed once she finished rubbing her eyes. "What happened to yours?"
Of course, Chloe would notice and ask. Forget it. She never should have woken her. Aubrey wrapped her arm around herself again.
"Are you oka-"
"I threw it in the trash," Aubrey blurted out. It sounded strange and ridiculous without an explanation, and the look on Chloe's face was that of pure bewilderment. "I threw up on it." There. Now Chloe probably wasn't going to give her a blanket, because who would give their blanket to someone that might ruin it?
"You threw up on your blanket?"
Yes, Chloe, it's as disgusting as it sounds.
Chloe maneuvered herself up onto her knees, and Aubrey's initial reaction was to clench her jaw and shut her eyes as Chloe's hand raised toward her face. She made contact gently, pressing the back of her fingers against Aubrey's cheek, then her palm against her forehead. "You're not warm. Do you think you ate something bad?"
Aubrey drew in a shaky breath that didn't really help her case here. Despite being fairly certain that Chloe's method of checking her temperature was not one of accuracy, no one…had ever done that before. She dug her fingernails into her shirt. It was…nevermind. It wasn't accurate; it was stupid. She pushed her hand away. "I just want to go back to sleep, Chloe."
"Okay, but I'm not giving you a blanket, Bree. Here."
Of course, she wouldn't. That was fine. Whatever. That was okay. Chloe wasn't required to share her things with Aubrey. Though she had never actually turned Aubrey down for anything before... But it was okay. Just...her feet didn't want to budge from next to Chloe's bed.
"Aubrey, here."
Aubrey opened her eyes. "What?"
Chloe motioned to the empty space next to her where the blankets had been pulled back.
Aubrey slowly sat down on the edge of the bed, and looked up as Chloe stood.
"Do you feel like you're going to be sick again?"
Aubrey shook her head. She was closer to crying than she was to puking now. She had expected a blanket and a 'sleep well', if that.
"Okay, well…just in case." Chloe placed her paper can next to the edge of the bed, then grabbed a bottle of water to put on the nightstand. "Do you need anything else?"
To go back to her own bed. "No." She followed Chloe with her eyes until she came back to bed, crawling under the blankets next to her like Aubrey wasn't completely disgusting. She was pretty sure she smelled like vomit, although she was always pretty sure she smelled like vomit.
"It's probably just a bug or something you ate." Chloe adjusted the blankets over both of them. "You're having a shitty day, aren't you?"
Yes, but not quite in the way Chloe thought. Aubrey semi-reluctantly surrendered herself to sleeping in Chloe's bed once Chloe was lying down, and turned to lie on her side, facing away from her. She closed her eyes – her body unsure whether to tense or relax when Chloe's arm wrapped around her. As tired as she was, sleep seemed far away. It wasn't fair to not tell Chloe the truth – to let her think Aubrey was sick and cater to her. "It happens sometimes," she whispered.
"Everyone gets sick sometimes." Chloe stroked her hand. "It's alright. You've taken care of me before. Remember when I had a fever and smashed my nose on my desk trying to find my iPod, and my mom demanded to talk to you? I think that was way more embarrassing than this. But even if that hadn't happened, it'd still be okay."
"I meant, sometimes, I…" Aubrey had never really had to explain it before. "Sometimes, it happens when…" When what? "It just happens."
"Sometimes you just randomly puke? Why haven't I ever witnessed that?"
Chloe didn't believe her, and, honestly, the idea of puking at random was, for once, something that sounded worse than vomiting under stress. "Not randomly, just…when I'm feeling verklempt."
"Am I supposed to know what that word means?"
No. That's why Aubrey chose that word.
Chloe sighed and stopped rubbing Aubrey's hand, nearly rolling on top of her as she reached to grab her phone from the nightstand. "So, when you're really upset," she said after a few minutes. She put her phone back, then spooned around her again, and slid her hand under Aubrey's shirt to rub her stomach. "I'm sorry about your dad. You're the opposite of everything he said earlier. You're so smart, you know words like 'verklempt'." She paused. "The things he said were awful. I don't think you should go home anymore."
"I can't just not ever go home."
"Why not?" Chloe asked, "Come home with me again. Come home with me every break. My dad would never talk to you like that."
"I'm sure your parents would love that," Aubrey answered sarcastically, "You bringing me there every single break."
"Are you kidding? They'd be ecstatic. Dad would have someone who likes fishing and tinkering in the garage. I could call my mom right now, and I know she'd be happy about it."
"Please, don't call your mom."
"Why not?" Chloe grabbed for her phone again, fighting against Aubrey's hands flailing to keep her from reaching it. "I'm gonna tell her your sick. She's gonna call you all her pet names, and fuss over you, and send you a care package via overnight shipping."
"Fine. I'll go home with you." Aubrey rolled over to face her so she was better able to keep her hands trapped. After every insult her father had thrown at her, it didn't take a lot of convincing. She wanted to please him, but she also wanted to be far away until that moment came. "Just don't call your mom. Except right before the next break to tell her I'm coming too, because she should know that before I show up at her door."
"I really don't think she would care if-"
"Chloe."
"Okay, okay." Chloe wrapped her body around Aubrey's. "You know you don't need permission to sleep with me in my bed, right? Even if you don't feel well. Especially if you don't feel well. You don't have to come over here asking for just a blanket."
Aubrey didn't respond; she didn't know how to respond.
"You can always just come to bed, even if you don't want to say anything. But I'm glad you woke me up. You can always wake me up if you need something, Aubrey – even if it's the middle of the night or at the ungodly time you wake up at in the morning. You can always wake me up."
xxxxx
"Oh my goodness." Julia's voice breaks through hours' worth of the low drone of hospital sounds that Aubrey had almost completely blocked out, "How long have you two been awake?" She doesn't sound happy, but she doesn't sound mad. 'Displeased' might be a good description, along with the typical 'concerned'. "Girls."
Neither of them answer. Aubrey doesn't know what time she got here, nor does she know what time it is now. She wishes she did, for her own peace of mind, but then she would know how close she is to saying goodbye to always being just a floor away from Chloe – so, would it really give her peace? Julia's presence is enough to tell her that the time she's dreading is either very soon or now, and panic begins to make itself known through the all-consuming numbness that Aubrey has been frozen in place with half the night.
"Have you been here all night?" Julia steps in front of Aubrey, blocking her view of Chloe – frowning hard as Aubrey refuses to look directly at her, shifting her gaze downward instead. "We need to get ready to go to the airport soon."
That gets Aubrey's attention. They haven't even started preparing Chloe to be moved yet. She looks up, shaking her head. "We have to see Chloe off. You said she was leaving before us."
"She is," Julia says, "But we still have to go to the airport and get through security…"
Aubrey keeps shaking her head. No, that's not right. It's not right to leave first. It's not right to leave Chloe in this hospital.
Beca slowly pushes herself to her feet, cringing as she does so.
"Come on," Julia urges her, and reaches for her hand, "We have time to go inside and be with her before we leave."
Everything is happening too fast. Aubrey pulls her hand back so quickly, her elbow slams into the wall, hitting it right where her ulnar nerve (funny bone) is located. That's just what she needs - another injured arm. Tears start welling up from the pain, and it's difficult to make them stop in the moment. She's saying another goodbye to Chloe, and the sudden onset of new pain seems to welcome back old pain into her body.
"You are very tired," Julia comments, as Aubrey slowly starts to crumble. She pulls her away from the wall, and gets an arm around her so she can't escape being nudged across the room. "We'll see Chloe later."
Aubrey digs her heels into the floor – but Julia is strong, and hospital floors are slippery. Before she knows it, she's beside Chloe's bed, and she feels like she can't breathe. She can't say anything, not with two people standing there. If Chloe picked now to wake up, and Aubrey had to stay another lifetime in this hospital, that would be okay. She would forgo going home if Chloe chose to woke up now. What if she wakes up alone on the helicopter? What if something goes wrong, and she dies? She watches, lungs constricting, stomach clenching, as Julia kisses Chloe's forehead. If Aubrey bends over, she's going to be sick – so she squeezes Chloe's arm instead, holding on a little too tightly and a little too long, giving her that chance to choose to wake up now. She's always doing things last minute that make Aubrey late…
"Do you want to come in, Beca?" Julia asks.
Beca is looking inside now – not at Chloe though, just at the floor. She shakes her head.
"Okay. That's alright. You don't have to." Julia gives Aubrey a light squeeze. "Take a few minutes, then let's go get ready. We want to be at the airport a little bit early."
