Agentcanaryscotx: Well, they need someone to describe what happened.
96itadakimasu96: I mean, when something tragic happens, it's not like there's many other options aside from keep going through it.
SunDanceQT: If she's going to have a cat, it's going to have only the best cat things.
Pixie1913: Well, Aubrey made three lists - and only put the people she saw dead/die on the dead one.
Surreal: Thank you so much! Hope all is well for you too.
Guest: I can confirm that, yes, Conrad will continue to live fabulously.
Dysrhythmia
I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone;
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone.
I've got something to say, but now I've got nowhere to turn;
It feels like I've been buried underneath the weight of the world.
- 3 Doors Down
They didn't let up at the station after Aubrey refused to give a statement regarding the deaths of their friends. No, they laid on the guilt, and they laid it on hard – and Aubrey understands, really, she does. Because if it were Chloe, she would want to know what happened; she would need to know what happened. But then she feels Cynthia-Rose lying still beneath her, her warm blood flowing freely between Aubrey's fingers, and she hears Jesse's voice insinuating something is wrong with her for frantically trying to wash it away. And she clams up.
The hundreds of questions they asked after wanting her to recount every death she was aware of went right through her. She left not being able to remember a single one – even though she's sure she managed to somehow answer a few. The car ride was a blur, the walk to Chloe's room, sitting down next to her, taking her hand.
Even now, she feels so far away from it all.
The only proof she's even alive is the sick feeling in her stomach and the dull ache behind her eyes – and she would do anything to make both of those things go away. She would do anything to make all of this stop – to just wake up from this nightmare and go back to her normal every day life. This cannot be real. Why can't she just wake up? Why can't Chloe just wake up?
She should talk to her. Let her know that she's here. Say something. Anything.
But Aubrey doesn't have much to say at the moment. No, that's not true. Aubrey has a lot to say – it would just take so much effort to say it. So she sits, silent, and she stares at the adjacent wall, clutching Chloe's hand like it's the only thing keeping her from falling to her death.
Because it is.
xxxxx
"Aubrey, the doctor wants to talk to us."
Aubrey clings to her tighter as Julia and some man wearing a lab coat walk inside. Beca hovers near the doorway, looking at her feet. He introduces himself, but Aubrey doesn't care about his name. She doesn't care about anything except for the most vital piece of information – when is Chloe going to wake up? He rattles on about credentials and experience, and when Aubrey rolls her eyes, Julia sits down beside her and places a hand on her shoulder. It doesn't do anything to put out the fire rising up inside of her. "Can you just tell us what we want to know?"
"There is still swelling-"
No. That isn't what Aubrey wants to know.
"-localized to part of the frontal lobe and temporal lobe. It's possible-"
She hears him in sections, her mind blocking out the rest.
"- probable chance of permanent damage."
He's wrong. He's wrong.
"-waking up is ultimately just a waiting game. It's difficult to know how long or if that will happen. The chances of her waking up are, however, appearing unlikely with the-"
"You're wrong." Aubrey stands up, drawing herself to full height. Chloe is going to wake up. It's not a matter of if. It's a matter of when.
Julia leans forward with her elbows on her knees and rubs her face. "Is there anything that can be done? We will find a way to pay for whatever we can do."
"It's really just a matter of waiting now," the doctor replies, "I know it's difficult to think about, but if there appears to be no improvement in the next few months or if things take a turn for the worse, it may become necessary to talk about your long term options. I'm so sorry."
Aubrey isn't sure if she wants to punch him in the face or puke all over his shoes. Sniffling from both sides of her temporarily draws her attention. Julia keeps her face buried deep in her hands and Beca turns so she can no longer be seen in the doorway. "You can wake her up," she decides, "You're not doing your job."
"Aubrey…"
No. No. No.
"I can bring in a second opinion," he offers.
"I don't want a second opinion. Fix her."
"I'm afraid-"
"Just fucking wake her up."
Julia is up within seconds, pulling her back by the arm before she can act on any thoughts to physically harm the man. "Aubrey, he's trying to-"
Aubrey jerks away. "How do we know that these people aren't working with him? Hm?" Just the thought of Jesse's name tastes bad in her mouth. "How do we know he's not doing something to make them keep her unconscious?" The look she receives in return isn't one of belief; it's one of sadness. Commiseration. Pity. It has her backing up immediately toward the door.
"Listen to me," Julia says – and where Aubrey expects an explanation for why that can't possibly be true, those words are instead followed up by, "Please don't run out that door."
Aubrey stops in the doorframe. Long term options. What does that mean? Aubrey knows what it means. It means they either choose to keep her like this or…
"Um," Julia turns back to the doctor, one hand extended to the side in Aubrey's direction like some sort of magic force field is going to prevent her from moving any farther, while her other hand wipes at her face. "I don't know what to say right now…"
"Take your time," he tells her, "If there's any questions you have, I'll be here the rest of the day."
"Thank you." Julia tries to smile at him. It lasts half a second before the corners of her lips are curving back downward into a frown.
"Whatever you need, just give the hospital a call." He turns sideways to slide past Aubrey, offering little more than a slight nod in her direction on his way out the door.
"You're an incompetent asshole," Aubrey states while he's still in hearing range. Turn around. She watches him turn a corner and walk out of sight. You're supposed to tell us she's going to be okay.
"Do you know how to get people to do what you want them to do, Aubrey?" Julia asks once he's gone completely. Her voice is beginning to sound hoarse and drained of energy, making her words even more difficult to listen to. "It's not by intimidation. People who feel as though they're appreciated and considered helpful are more likely to be helpful."
No. Sometimes people just need a little bit of pressure put on them to bring out their full potential.
"The only thing the people you yell at or make demands of are going to give you is their resentment."
Aubrey digs her fingertips into her cast until they hurt then lifts her hand to chew the skin beside her thumbnail until she's bleeding. This isn't happening. It's not happening. Chloe is going to be fine. She was knocked unconscious, but she's going to wake up, and -
"Do you hear what I'm saying, Aubrey?"
Shut up.
"If you talk to people like that, then-"
"Well, maybe I don't know how to speak to people any other way!" How about that? Did she ever think of that? That maybe this is just how Aubrey is? That whatever idea she has of Aubrey in her head is false?
"I don't think that's true."
This time, when Aubrey's entire body begins to burn, it's out of fury and frustration. She looks up at the ceiling and shakes her head.
"Why do you believe that's true?"
Right now is the worst possible time for memories of interacting with The Bellas to start parading themselves through her mind. She had been a Military Sergeant. She had demanded what her father spent her entire life telling her was respect, when really it was obedience out of fear of speaking up. Maybe if she was a respectable person, they wouldn't even be in this situation. She wouldn't be attacking Chloe's doctor because Chloe and Beca would have listened to her and no one would be hurt or dead.
"Why do you think you don't know how to talk to people any other way? Tell me."
"Did you ever think that maybe I've never seen anything else?" Aubrey snaps. She can't look at her. She locates a shadow on the wall made by one of the chairs and applies all her focus in that direction.
"I have thought that, actually," Julia replies, "And now I'm showing you something else. I'm telling you it's not appropriate to talk to people that way even if you're upset – especially if you're upset."
Aubrey angles her body away, but only enough that she can still see her out of the corner of her eye if she wants to look in that direction – which she doesn't. If her father had ever gone with the standing in the corner method for punishment, she imagines this is what it would have felt like.
"Do you remember the other day we talked and I told you that you have a penchant for holding onto things that aren't working for you anymore?" Julia asks, "I think this is one of those things, and I think you should apologize for getting his face like that and swearing at him when he is trying to bring Chloe back to us."
Aubrey's eyes grow wide and her jaw falls slack.
"He is helping us with the most important person in our lives. He is not a punching bag for your grief."
Aubrey stares at her, and it sinks in that even in the midst of all of this, she's serious. She wants Aubrey to apologize. "He just told us…" She can't even say it. "This is what you're worried about right now?"
"People who feel good about themselves do good work, Aubrey. That's a fact. And we need him to do good work."
That's not true. Aubrey knows that that's not true – because if it was true, that would imply Aubrey does not do good work, and that would be too much to accept right now on top of everything else falling down around her. She avoids the fall and jumps right into the middle of her safety net – which doesn't actually feel very safe anymore. "Well, my father always said-"
"Everything that man has ever said to you has hurt you," Julia cuts her off, "So think about if you really want to stand by whatever you're about to say before you say it."
Aubrey stops, because as much as she wants to deny it, everything he has ever said to her has hurt her – and continues to hurt her.
"Do you want to know something my father said?"
Not really. No.
"When I was in 5th grade, I caught mono, and I missed two entire months of school. So, I was really behind when I started feeling better. I had all this work to do and I barely understood any of it, because I wasn't there to learn it. It's very difficult to do something that nobody was around to teach you. I was really overwhelmed when I went back to school, because I felt like I had to learn everything I had missed at once – and I was really used to being smart, so whenever I got something wrong, it was a really big blow to my confidence.
"So my father decided to take it upon himself to help me catch up. The first night he sat down to help me, I already had it set in my mind that it was a completely useless endeavor. It wasn't going to happen. I was destined to a life of only having a 4th grade education. I didn't even look at the work. I just kept saying I can't do it. I can't do it and I'm quitting school. And he finally snatched my pencil out of my hand and said, 'Fine. Then quit.' He told me I had every right to feel as bad as I felt, but I should know that I was doing it to myself.
"My mother had spidey-senses or something that could detect whenever I was upset, and she got onto my dad about how he was supposed to be helping me. And my father said, 'I'm trying to do it one step at a time, but I can't teach her if she's not willing to learn.' He was right. I kept looking at the big picture, and it prevented me from seeing that someone was trying to help me with all the little details that would get me to where I needed to be. So I took my pencil back and I put in effort on my part – and I cried the entire time, because it was hard and I didn't even know if my dad knew what he was doing or not. I realized he did when everything started becoming easier for me. Now, it's years later and I don't care about that stupid work anymore – but I would if I hadn't done it.
"So, what do you want, Aubrey? Do you want to keep living in a world where his negative voice is always following you around, or do you want to finally move forward and try something different? If it's the latter, then you have to be willing to learn, even if it sucks.
"And I think the first step is finding an appropriate way to express that you're upset – and acknowledging that what just happened isn't it."
