(GoF) CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE: One Thing That's Forever

"This is what I want. I want you to go."

She'd heard it a thousand times by then—over and over again in her head. She'd seen it a thousand more—those blue-grey eyes of his—that handsome face. And here he was, yet again—plaguing her dreams.

"You can't have wanted this," she whispered to him, shaking her head. "You can't have wanted to be dead."

Cedric reached out a hand to her face, just as tenderly and warmly as he had the last thousand times. And then his eyes changed.

They became slits. Slits, like the Dark Lord who had risen in the graveyard that night.

"You torture me even in death," he said in the raspy, snakelike hiss that Voldemort had spoken with that night. "How could you stay with him? How could you force me to watch?"

"I… I didn't," she stammered, though it wasn't entirely true. "I didn't stay with him. I haven't—I don't—"

"You sang with him. Made music with him. At my memorial."

"They asked me to! Your parents! I didn't—"

But before she could get another word out, he wrapped his hands around her neck and choked her.

"El!"

The other thousand times she had dreamt this dream—or, at least, it felt like a thousand—the sound of Fred saying her name had come from reality.

Not this time, though. This time, he was in her dream with her.

"Get away from her," Fred growled at Cedric as he shoved him away. "You're not Cedric. You're nothing but a nightmare."

And with that, Cedric dissolved into nothing but air.

They were on the roof, she realized with a pang of dread and confusion. It wasn't the roof as they knew it, though. It was surrounded by nothing but bright, purple air—thick and beautiful. Like a dream.

Her dream.

"How are you here?" she whispered to Fred.

"You wouldn't wake up. I didn't know what else to do."

"What else to do?" she repeated, gaping up at him. "You mean… you're really… Fred?"

He nodded. The pain in his warm, brown eyes was unmistakable. What he had just seen had hurt him every bit as much as it had hurt her.

"Is that what you've been dreaming about every night, El?" he asked her. "Have you been seeing him… attacking you?"

She looked away from him, but she didn't refuse to answer him. She needed the distraction; the sight of Cedric's Voldemort-like eyes lingeringn in her mind was too much. "Variations of the same. Sometimes he turns into Aleks. Sometimes he just… stays himself."

"But he says the same thing," Fred inferred. "That you're hurting him by… being with me."

She took a step back from him instinctively, though she knew it wasn't fair. "I'm not with you."

Her words clearly stung him. "News to me."

"Did you really not notice, Fred? Have I not kept my distance from you?"

"I've certainly noted the lack of snogging," he said grimly. "But you haven't stayed away from me, either."

That was true. Even after returning to Hogwarts and finishing out her last few days of classes, Ellie hadn't properly managed to stay away from Fred. It was too hard to be without him. All the pain she was feeling—both mental and physical—seemed insurmountable without the comfort of his presence.

"It isn't fair to him," she said. "To his memory."

"He never said he didn't want you to be with me, El."

"He said it a thousand times!" she heard herself shout back. "He wanted me to pick him!"

"And he accepted that you didn't, and he moved on! He died saving us, El—both of us! He made that choice for a reason!"

"Not because he wanted us to… to…"

But it was no use. By all logic and sense, Fred was right; Ellie had no real reason to believe that Cedric wouldn't want them together.

And yet…

"I let him die," she whispered. "We let him die. Isn't this the least we can do to thank him?"

"No." His voice was firm—resolute. "Living our lives to the fullest is the least we can do for him."

She tried to hold onto that as he faded away from her dream, but it wasn't easy.


"It was really him? In your dream?"

It was their last day at Hogwarts. She had convinced Harry to sneak into Hogsmeade with her to see Sirius and discuss what she was going to do that summer. She had wanted to bring Fred, but she'd barely been able to look him in the eye since he had entered her dream.

"It was him," she affirmed. She and Fred had discussed it the following morning. It scared the hell out of her, knowing that not only could they slip into each other's minds, but also each other's dreams. It was an enormous comfort, yet an enormous burden, too.

How could she possibly escape her feelings for him when she couldn't even escape him?

"You're going to tell Sirius you want to live with him," Harry surmised as they emerged from Honeydukes in the invisibility cloak and headed toward the cave where they had last met Sirius.

She nodded. She had made up her mind the morning after Fred entered her dream, though she hadn't quite figured out how to tell either Sirius or Fred. Would Sirius even want her with him?

They shrugged off the cloak once they were out of eyeshot of the town, and met up with the great, black dog a few minutes later. They had warned him via letter of their desire to meet, and he had, of course, eagerly accepted. He hadn't seen Ellie since the brief interlude at St. Mungo's, where he hadn't been able to say a word to her.

"Tell me you're alright," Sirius said to Ellie as soon as they reached the cave and he had changed back to his human form. "Tell me there wasn't lasting damage."

How could she possibly tell him that? She wasn't sure what hurt the most—her body, her spirit, or her heart. None of them felt like they would ever be whole again.

"I'm… managing," she said quietly.

"I told you that shield was bad news," he shouted, slamming his fist into the wall of the cave in a way that reminded her all too much of Fred. "A week, Ellie—a week you were unconscious? Don't you understand how bad it could have been? Don't you understand how bad it will be if it ever happens again?"

"She saved Fred," Harry said quietly. "She would have died, too, without it."

"She never would have been there in the first place without it!"

"No," agreed Harry. "But I would have. And so would Cedric."

Sirius sighed, running a hand through his hair. It had gotten long that year. She owed him a haircut. "I'm sorry that either of you were in that graveyard that night. To see him come back… to see your parents again, Harry…"

Harry had filled Ellie in, during one of his St. Mungo's visits, about the strange experience he'd had when his wand connected with Voldemort. He'd seen all the victims of Voldemort's murders, including his parents, who had helped him escape.

"Dad," Ellie said, clearing her throat. "I want to go with you again this summer."

No one looked surprised by this. Sirius looked unmistakably touched, though not exactly pleased. "I had a feeling you were going to say that."

"You said you were going to make your way back to your parents' place eventually, didn't you?" she asked him. "Is now the time? Is it safe?"

"I have been planning to return," he admitted. "But it's not in any condition for visitors at this point, Ellie. It needs some serious work."

"I don't care about its condition. I was on the run with you for months, Dad."

"It's not… a happy place, Ellie. There's darkness there. It wouldn't be good for you in your current… state of mind. The Burrow would be much better."

"I can't go to the Burrow. I can't…"

The words hurt too much to utter aloud. I can't be with Fred.

It was the worst sentence she had ever thought.

"Where is he?" Sirius asked her gently. "Fred. Why isn't he here with you?"

This is what I want. I want you to go.

"I… can't… be with him right now," she stammered, taking a step back and refusing to look her father in the eye.

Sirius remained silent for several seconds. She had a feeling he and Harry were exchanging looks, though she didn't have the heart to look.

"I'm sure he'd be willing to go elsewhere," Sirius finally said. "If you asked him to. That way, you could still stay at the Burrow."

"No," she said immediately. "No way. He didn't do anything wrong. He doesn't deserve to be displaced."

"But, if he didn't do anything wrong—"

"Dad," she interrupted, finally looking into his eyes again. "Please."

She had known, on some level, that it wouldn't take too much convincing. It was the same reason he had agreed to let her come with him the previous summer. Sirius wanted what was best for her, but he also wanted her—his daughter—whom he had seen far too little of for the past fifteen years.

"Okay," he finally said. "If that's really what you want."


When they returned, they found Fred waiting for them by the witch's statue that led to the secret pathway to Honeyduke's. He looked worried, but more than that, he looked hurt.

"Harry," he said before they had even taken the cloak off. "Could you give us a minute?"

Harry glanced at Ellie, seeming to sense that she might not be ready for this. She gave him a weak smile and an even weaker nod before he removed the cloak from the both of them, gave her a tight hug, and walked away from them.

"You're going to stay with him this summer." It wasn't a question. "With Sirius."

Her eyes instinctively glanced around them to scan for prying ears, but she didn't see anyone. She nodded gravely. "Yeah."

He cursed at that, though quietly enough that she couldn't quite make out the word he chose. "That's a mistake, El."

"Maybe. But it's one I have to make."

He cursed again—louder this time. "If it's about me, I'll leave. I'll go and stay with Bill, or Charlie, or—"

"I don't want that."

"Then what do you want?" His voice was louder now—angrier.

"I want him to come back!" she shouted back at him. "I want to go back and do it differently! We let him die, Fred! We chose to let him die!"

"We didn't know that he would die. We had hope—"

"We left him in a graveyard full of Death Eaters and Lord Voldemort! How could he possibly have survived?"

"Fine." His jaw was tight, and his expression pained. "You're right. But it's what he wanted. And he didn't want this. He didn't want you to… to…"

But he couldn't finish his sentence.

She hated this. The pain he was in seemed to spark an even deeper, more terrible pain than that she felt from the overuse of her shield. Fred was a part of her now, and hurting him hurt her tenfold.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. She ached to reach out—to touch him—but she couldn't do it. "I don't want to hurt you, Fred. I still…"

The love you that went unsaid seemed to speak the loudest.

"Tell me it isn't forever," he whispered back. "Tell me you just need time. That when you get back—when you've had your space—we can figure this out."

She wasn't sure it could be forever. She felt like if it was, she wouldn't survive it.

She just knew that it had to be now.

"I only know one thing that's forever," she finally said. "And it's how I feel about you."

All the anger and pain in his eyes faded at that, and the way he looked at her could only be described as the deepest, truest, and rawest of love.

"Then I'll see you at the end of the summer," he said. "Be safe, El."

And with that, he walked away from her.


And that's the heart-wrenching end of book four, ladies and gents! I know it's miserable, but surely Ellie will find a way through the pain by the end of the summer, right? She and Fred are soul mates, after all! Stay tuned for book five, and don't forget to review and follow!