It was getting into fall, and I'd been an official adventurer for about a month now. My temp party and I had just gotten back from doing pest control on a kobold nest near a village half a day from Axel, and we were dipping into our reward a bit to celebrate.
"Welcome back!" the party chorused as Dust sauntered over to the table like he hadn't spent the last 2 days in jail again. I was beginning to agree with the watchman I'd overheard. They might as well just arrest him on a weekly schedule since he was probably guilty of SOMETHING and save time.
Amazing fighter though, I could see why the group kept him around even with all the problems he caused by being…him.
"And don't even THINK of ordering until you pay me off!" Rin warned him as he raised a hand at a waitress to do just that.
"AND me" a different voice agreed over his pained whine, and I turned around to see…oh.
OH.
Where have YOU been all my life?
She was slender, with toned limbs and a tight waist, but still had curves in the right places from muscle and toning, like a dancer or gymnast. Her short denim shorts, sports bra, and capelet combo made that perfectly clear. A little short and small upstairs, but given the absolutely lovely face only slightly hurt by the scar on one cheek I couldn't care less. Especially not compared to a hair and eye color combo I've never seen before or since, silver like moonlight above royal purple.
Love at first sight? You'd better believe it.
I must have said something out loud, who knows what, because she turned to look at me quizzically. "Hello, have we met? I'm Chris."
Even her voice was perfect.
Shaking myself, I shook my head jerkily. "HI! I'M SUBARU A MONK LEVEL 3! DO YOU WANT A BEER OR NEROID!?" I asked with increasing excitement, by the end of the sentence standing and holding one of her hands.
There was an awkward silence.
Gods be thanked, Dust picked that moment to try and bolt away from his debt collectors, giving me a chance to see my new angel take off after him like running hawkite on its best day.
'So that's what they mean by hate to see her go but love to watch her leave…' I muttered into my beer, only to hear a loud cough hastily covering a laugh.
Looking up, I saw Taylor was at least covering his mouth as he fought back laughter. I actually liked him, now not so much maybe, even if he had not so much a stick as most of a tree lodged in him. But he didn't give me trouble about my level and always did a good job backing us all up on a quest. Keith, a jerk to rival a different Archer, wasn't even trying.
"What?"
"I hate to break this to you Subaru, but you're so far out of your depth it's hilarious." Taylor chuckled. "There's nearly as many of us here who chased Chris at some point as there are who wanted Luna. The success rate is about the same."
"Meaning zero," Rin clarified, fighting her own smile. "But don't sweat it. You're not the first to trip over his own tongue meeting her the first time either."
"I-I didn't…" I couldn't even finish that sentence. Hanging my head, I finished my beer instead. Fine, I'd make them eat those words.
Never underestimate a man in love!
—
A few days later, I had a chance to put my plan into action. I'd found out that Chris didn't come in regularly, but if I made a good enough impression that shouldn't matter, right? Timing is everything!
As I hitched my belt while I turned away from the bar counter, resettling my knife and aid pouch, I saw the lovely Chris was with another girl, and on another day I'd have been stunned. Even in armor she was a perfect 10, like a lady knight had stepped out of a fantasy novel, right down to the blonde hair and clear blue eyes that tracked me as soon as I started towards them.
The blonde nudged Chris as I came closer, but probably didn't need to bother. I'd since learned after asking around that Chris was a thief class, and taking one of those by surprise was just about impossible.
"Oh, hi." She greeted me as I walked up, the knight beside her eyeing me with a bit of uncomfortable intensity before going back to her vegetable sticks.
"And a good morning to you!" I cheered, fidgeting a little with my breakfast roll. "Planning a quest?"
"I wasn't…Subaru, right?" At my pleased smile she continued "But…Darkness you're still looking for a party. Why not take a quickie and see how things go?"
"A-alone with a man I just met?! Away from town and prying eyes…?!" she stammered, shuddering in horror as she held herself, whispering hoarsely "where ANYTHING could happen, and no one would ever know?"
"Um…yes. Yes, that's exactly what I'm suggesting." Chris agreed patiently, trying to draw the poor blushing girl out of her shell. So cute. She had this great cool, confident lady knight vibe going on the outside, but this soft inner center was just amazing gap moe. Which is of course the best moe.
"If you're worried about being alone with me, I understand," I said gently, "I can see if one of the other adventurers are interested in…"
"NO!" she shouted, bolting halfway to her feet. Chest heaving, she flinched at the stares from the handful of other diners and slowly sat back down. Clearing her throat, she continued "No, I appreciate your kindness, but it is a crusader's sworn duty to offer up their lives, bodies, and sacred honor if needed. I must learn to believe in the base…better nature of all people to stand as a proper example."
"That's…an odd way to put it, but Taylor says the same thing sometimes." I agreed slowly. "If you're sure you don't mind going with me, we can go pick something together and head out." Turning to Chris I asked hopefully "Are you sure you don't want to come along?" Not that I minded the present company, but if you asked me to choose…
"No, no" she waved a hand in denial. "I just had a good score the other day so I'm thinking I'm due for a day off. Maybe a few games of poker if I'm feeling ambitious and can scare up some suc…players later. You two go have fun."
"If you're sure…" I finally agreed, trying not to sound as disappointed as I was, and then got a jerk that nearly took my arm out of the socket as Darkness grabbed my hand and yanked me over to the quest board. I'm pretty well built, especially for a basement dweller, so how much beef was this girl packing under that plate?!
Up close and standing, she was quite a bit taller than I expected. A lot of her height was in her legs apparently, since she was just about eye to eye with me at around 170cm. Speaking of that plate armor, it looked awfully expensive for a newbie adventurer too...
"Do you have a lot of experience? As an adventurer I mean?" I asked as I stepped up the pace, so she'd quit yanking my arm. "I'm only level 5 myself."
"No, I have only been one for a short time. My level is only 6, but I'm very confident in my defenses!" she finished with a little flush of embarrassment. Seriously, so cute. Chris was still the one for me, but this was a hell of a consolation prize!
"Well with you along I'll bet the toads won't know what hit them!" I agreed wholeheartedly.
A couple of hours later we were out on the fields north of Axel. We'd just spotted a toad in the open, and my newly acquired Warn skill didn't show us being spotted by anything larger than a field mouse. "Ok, you said you had the Decoy skill, right? There doesn't seem to be anything else watching us, so how about we…" My attempt at planning was cut short by a loud 'clunk' from beside me. Turning, I saw Darkness loosening her other gauntlet, letting it fall to the ground with another whump.
"Ah…" I began intelligently. "What are you doing?"
"Taking my armor off." She continued, reaching around to start unbuckling her cuirass. "Toads won't eat anything with too much metal."
"Right, I know. That's why I was glad to have you along…" I replied weakly. She'd gotten about halfway out of her gear, and I was a bit lightheaded for several reasons, not least that all that armor had been doing her incredible bodyline NO favors. She'd been the image of a lady of war fantasy heroine before, but this was looking more and more like an H-doujin.
"OH!" Darkness exclaimed "I'm so sorry! I-I've disgraced myself with m-my selfishness." She spread her arms wide, "Y-y-you can take it off of me, help…help yourself!" she stammered, blushing from ears to collarbone, heated gaze flicking down at the ground between us and up at my face.
I'm a talkative guy, you all know that perfectly well. I might not have the right words for the situation, but I always have something. But for the first time in my life, at that moment words failed me.
I was almost grateful that the toad chose that moment to interrupt.
Darkness squawked in surprise as a pink blur latched onto the unbuckled armor, yanking it right off of her and taking a rip of the black bodysuit underneath with it. With a curse that I hoped sounded more manly than a 6 year old, I drew my knife and sprinted to its right, hoping to flank it and then jump onto its back.
My partner had other ideas. While the toad was spitting out the armor it had grabbed with disgust, she drew the sword from its sheath, rose to her feet with a defiant shout, and then tripped over the sword belt left lying on the ground during her striptease.
The toad took advantage and leaped forward, nearly landing on her with a booming crash, before scooping her up and swallowing Darkness headfirst.
I'm ashamed to say that at that moment I absolutely panicked, flashbacks of the poor bastards we found the other day jumped right up out of memory and practically chained me to the spot. It couldn't have been long, but it felt like all the world's eternitys as it slowly hopped around to come after me next, and I could feel myself hyperventilating as I knew I should be DOING something but couldn't break the grip holding me. The ground jumping under my feet as it heaved itself into the air startled me just enough to start thinking a little again, and my old friend Auto Dodge did the rest getting me out of becoming a pancake.
It also must have jostled Darkness inside, because once it landed the toad let out an ear piercing sound, like a barge horn blaring from underwater, before hacking and coughing in great gasps, ignoring me completely.
This time I was able to move, but as I got ready to jump onto its back and finish the job, it spasmed again, pinkish foam coming from its mouth in dribbles before it crashed to its side and lay still.
Not wasting a moment, I stabbed my knife in about where I remembered the stomach being and started frantically sawing away, knowing I'd need to get through about a meter of blubber and flesh in the next couple of minutes or history would be repeating itself.
—
"I'm told toad slime has paralyzing properties in large doses, so if I'm unable to move and another one arrives feel free to run and save yourself! Leave me to my fate!" my walking trauma dispenser 'helpfully suggested'.
"No, no it doesn't." I sighed, brushing sweat and mucus coated hair from my face as I walked a few steps ahead of her. Enough adrenaline and panic might've made my Bowie knife a pretty good tool for emergency toad dissection, but the drained, exhausted feelings it left behind had far overpowered the relief from getting her out before she suffocated. Though given Darkness didn't have a mark on her despite half her clothes having dissolved from soaking in all that stomach acid, I did have to wonder if I'd wasted my time. No, no. She clearly needed to breathe, she had gaps when she had to inhale before continuing her 'sales pitch'. At least she had her armor back on, I'd been afraid I'd have to wrestle her into it and honestly doubted I'd win that one.
Either way, I could already tell I wasn't going to enjoy the dreams I had for at least the next few nights, even with them starring Darkness in all her glory. "Nonsense! I'm very sure that if you were to suddenly carry me off it would keep me from resisting at all!" she insisted loudly "In fact I feel it working, my steps are getting heavier, and heavier…" she slowed down to match, and I involuntarily clenched my eyes shut in violation of every adventurer's rule of survival in hostile territory.
"Please…for the love of all that's holy," I moaned "Stop talking."
I ignored the happy sigh from behind me as best I could.
We arrived in town, still looking like we'd been dragged behind a truck and then thrown in a tub of snot. Needless to say the gate guards took one look at us and retreated to the guardhouse until we went by. I tried not to take the stares and crossing to the far side of the street by fellow townsfolk personally. What Darkness felt I refused to think about.
The guild hall was about half full, it was still early for most adventurers to be back yet around mid afternoon. That made it easy to spot my target as soon as I was in the doors, not even needing to ask a waitress. Not that one was about to get anywhere near us.
"Ah." Chris said eloquently, probably smelling us coming as she looked up from her game of Five Card Stud. "Oh my. That bad?" she asked timidly.
Looking down at her still seated, I took a moment to admire the way the sun through the window glistened on her silvery hair, and shimmered on her wide clear purple eyes.
Then, I pulled Darkness forward by the hand from where she was standing next to me fidgeting at all the attention, planted one sticky hand on her back, and pushed her bodily towards her disgustingly clean friend, Chris' squawk of horrified indignation as she danced away a balm to my soul as I answered,
"I demand a refund."
