I sat in the back of the van shivering as the Joker pounded against the front of the truck, signaling to his driver to speed up. It was just him and I back there. Alone. Again.
"Lucy, Lucy, Lucy" he sang, flopping down on the seat across from me, "You're verrrry popular."
"Why do you keep helping me?" I said, shivering.
He eyed me curiously, leaning in to inspect my disheveled state. Covered in debris, I looked more vulnerable than I felt.
"I can handle things on my own," I continued. "Unless I'm a part of an elaborate scheme, it wouldn't be too farfetched to think that you were a little obsessed with me."
With that, he burst out laughing, smacking his hands on his knees and jumping up and down in his seat.
"Me? I'm no schemer… I'm an artist, like you. People… inspire me, Luce. You're not so much an obsession than a muse."
He licked his lips, staring intently at me. I wasn't sure why, but his scars and face paint didn't bother me. If anything, I felt drawn to the abyss that I was staring into. I knew my cheeks were turning red as I glanced down, searching for a response.
"Well… I don't want any help. I just want out."
Suddenly, the van hit a large pothole, flinging me across the van and into his arms. In seconds his hands were around my shoulders and we were much too close to be having a casual conversation. Regardless, he continued to speak, unphased.
"Lucy, Lucy, Lucy… even if you could leave… you'd be back," he whispered.
C-could leave? I thought.
"We have business, you and I." His eyes were dark as a bottomless lagoon.
"Are you… kidnapping me?".
"Would you like that, Lucy?" he said with a growl, squeezing my shoulders tighter. I let out a small cry as he pinched my bullet wound.
He released me from his grip and I quickly sat back down across from him.
"Alright so here's the deal" he said, rolling up his sleeves and resting his forearms over his knees. "I'm dropping you back off at your humble abode. Some big things are about to happen and you're too much of a big shot to be out and about. For now, stay with your boyfriend-"
"He's not my boyfriend!" I heard myself protest. He threw his hands up in the air, grinning.
Why was I getting so defensive?
There was a short pause in our conversation as I stared at the two scars running across his face, forever marking him with a permanent smile.
"Do you wanna know how I got these scars?" he asked deviantly.
I thought about the memories revealed to me when I had touched his hand in my old apartment building.
"No... I already know."
Suddenly, the car came to an abrupt halt and the doors flew open. Before I could protest, the Joker pulled me out and onto the road. We were about 100 yards away from the gates of Wayne Manor.
"Don't forget what I told you. Be a good girl, don't go running off… or I will find you."
I couldn't get a word out as he pinched one of my cheeks and leapt back into the van. He winked as the van doors slammed shut and the driver took off like a bullet down the road.
As the van lights faded into the distance, I was left in the dark in more ways than one, with a lot of conflicting feelings and unanswered questions.
Walking back to the Manor, I cursed as I remembered the bike I had borrowed was now a burning pile of metal. I had no idea what I was going to tell John and Alfred.
Before I could even enter the side door, John opened it, pulling me inside. He was livid.
"Where have you been!?" He shook me with a force I wasn't used to.
"John, You're hurting me!" I said, stepping back as he released me.
"You weren't answering your phone and Alfred said he saw you take off with a bike. Where were you going? This late at night you could have been killed!"
"I thought you were trying to help me take care of myself. Can't I do that?"
"Yeah, I'm trying to help you. I know you can handle yourself. But running back into the Narrows alone isn't what I had in mind."
I stood in shock...
"Were you… following me?"
"...Look...I just couldn't bear it if something had happened to you."
He took my hand in his as a means of reconciliation, and a new set of memories flooded my mind…
He witnessed my meeting with the Penguin, the explosion… the Joker leading me into the van. He had followed me back on his bike, and waited until the van had dropped me off before heading quickly back to the Mansion. He knew about my connection with the Joker, and he was hiding his true feelings about it ... Rager. Anger. Jealousy. Defeat.
I let go of his hand quickly.
"Again, I'm sorry Lucy. I didn't mean to hurt you or damage our trust… I was just so worried."
I looked up at him. Things had taken a turn that I hadn't expected. I wasn't sure about the Joker or his plans for me. I was also unsure about how to handle the Penguin and his awareness of my gifts. John was going to find out one way or the other. For my own safety, I figured this was a good time to tell him what was really going on.
"John, I want to tell you something… about myself. It will explain a lot about why I've been attracting so much attention. Can we go somewhere to talk?"
After brewing some hot water and pouring tea, we sat at the dimly lit kitchen table. His jacket was wrapped tightly around me. He spoke first.
"Before you start, I want you to know, that I saw you the night of the robbery. You had been following me, so I followed you. That's how I knew where to find you tonight."
I let him put his hand on mine. I could feel he was being as honest as possibly to reconcile. The warmth I had longed so much for earlier in life, I was now afraid to accept. Why was it so hard for me to return John's feelings? He constantly craved my touch and it was difficult to focus when his emotions were mixing with mine.
I took a deep breath to ground myself before I began.
"What I'm about to tell you… will help explain why I've been running..
When I was little, I realized my mother and I shared a special gift. She would put her hand on my shoulder and I could hear her thoughts. She would speak to me without having to say anything aloud.
After a while I began to develop the power as well. We called it " the insight". When I touched someone, I could peek into that person's life - whether it be memories, thoughts, feelings… I could never control what I saw, but I always saw or felt something. It was scary to me. I barely knew myself let alone was I ready to look into other's complicated lives. Many times it was a pinch on the cheek from one of my father's men and I'd see things that a child never should.
As years went by and I went off to private school, I learned to hide my gift like my mother did. It wasn't good to stand out in the presence of the mob. Anything could be exploited. I avoided human touch like the plague, which kept me from having any true intimate connections or close friendships.
Being a recluse, I felt like a reject at my private school. None of the children dared bully me because of my father's position as mob boss, but they never went out of their way to make friends with me either. Most of the time I was alone with my thoughts. I used my art to ward off the loneliness.
In time, my mother would avoid touching me to shield me from her pain... the relationship between her and my father was worsening each passing year. They fought often and many times it was about me and my future in the family business. I knew he hit her, I had seen so many bruises.
One evening when I was home for winter break, she came into my room. It had been snowing lightly since morning, now transitioning to freezing rain as the sun dropped below the horizon. I was lying in bed looking out the window, watching the droplets fall slowly down the glass. She sat silently down on my bed, stroking my hair delicately so that she avoided touching my skin.
"I'm meeting your father at a dinner party tonight."
Hesitantly, I touched her hand. I felt such a mixture of love and sorrow that tears immediately ran down my cheeks. She was in fact going to a dinner, but she would not be coming back. And she would not make it to her destination. At least that was the plan.
"Don't let him do this mom, we can run away. You don't have to let them… " I was already choking on my words.
"I've become a threat to them… your father knows about my insight… I never told him about yours. You must promise me you will keep it a secret. If they find out, they will use you… torture you… and…" She began to cry.
I wanted to scream and protest, but I clutched my covers as a gust of rain pelted sleet onto the windows.
I sat up and hugged her, clutching onto her tightly so that I would remember everything about this moment. She kissed my forehead and stroked my hair.
"Let's run away mom. Please, don't leave me here all alone…"
My words broke her heart, I could feel it.
"Lucy... before I go I want to give you something." Releasing me, she unclasped a necklace around her neck. I had never seen it before. "My mother gave this to me, and I want to give it to you. It's a tiger's eye stone. It will help to protect you as you grow into the beautiful young woman I know you will be."
"Mom please don't leave me... you're all I have..."
"And you're all I have... one day you will understand that sometimes you have to sacrifice your own needs for the ones you love. I've lived my life and I want you to live yours."
She stood as I cried uncontrollably. She held my hand and it was hard for me to let go... knowing after this moment our earthly bond would be broken. I would have lost the only friend I ever truly had. She taught me how to love- and now she was teaching me how to let go.
The next morning I learned the news. On her way to the party, she lost control of the car, veering off a cliff and into the ocean below. She was killed on impact.
When my father told me the news, I had to pretend to be comforted by him. I hid unimaginable rage as my father put his arm around my shoulder. I fantasized about all the ways I would kill him.
Everyday my anger grew. Revenge drove me. I wanted my father to suffer as much as my mother had, as much as I was suffering. I wanted to destroy everything he had worked for.
So I went along with the plans he had for my role as future heir of the family business. I trained, I took on jobs, I declined the opportunity to go to college. I was making my way towards the top.
But then Crane and his fear gas came along and ruined everything. It robbed my father of his sanity and landed him in Arkham Asylum before I had the chance to finish what I started.
That's when I finally lost my patience. I did things I shouldn't have. I blew my cover and used my gifts to gain information on my father's whereabouts. I wanted him dead, I didn't care if I lived or died as long as I could take him with me.
Eventually the new mob boss, Marconi, caught on. So I ran.
They knew and I knew that my gift could help get them top secret clearances, dirt on Gotham officials, politicians and catch potential whistleblowers. I could put them back on the map.
Even though the GPD put Marconi behind bars, the Penguin is merely picking up where Marconi left off. So here I am. "
John sat silently for a while. It was a lot to take in. Then he finally broke the silence.
"So, what do you want to do about it then?"
I was stunned. "What do you mean?"
"Are you gonna take them down or what?"
"John… It's not that easy."
"No, it isn't easy. It never will be. But you have a choice. You have the insight. Are you going to use it for good? For bad? Or are you going to throw it away? I want you to think hard about all the rage you have. I know firsthand that you'll have it for the rest of your life. No matter how hard you try to snuff it out, it will always be there, lurking behind you like a shadow. But you can face it, you can channel it. Like your mother said... someday you have to sacrifice your needs for the ones who need them more. There are going to be more victims of the mob, more victims of senseless violence. As much as the police try to protect this city, you have an edge they don't have. You could help me, Lucy. You could help this city in the process, too."
"I don't want to be used in any way for anything" I said bluntly. "I didn't ask for any of this. I don't want this type of life."
"I'm not forcing you to do anything. If you want to leave tomorrow, I'm not going to keep you here. Just think about what I'm saying. The opportunity is here for you. But no matter what you decide, I'll support you... Just think about it."
John squeezed my hand that he has been holding this entire time before releasing it.
"We should both get to bed..." he finished.
"I agree."
He stood up and kissed me once on the forehead.
"Are you going to be ok tonight?"
I nodded.
"Thank you for telling me… I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I'm going to do everything I can to help you, Lucy. Remember that."
I nodded and we both stood up. As we went our separate ways to bed, I stifled the urge to cry out. I realized I wasn't ready to face all these feelings again. I needed more time.
