Chapter 30: Warmth

Scott's POV, a Christmas Eve years ago

Damn this weather and this stupid holiday. And everyone else for having so much fun, while I'm at it.

"Don't they know how fucking freezing it is out here?" I growled to no one in particular, once again wandering the base here in Gibraltar all alone. Tugging my trench coat closer to my chest and trying to snuggle into the sweater I was wearing all the while attempting to ignore the embarrassment I felt.

I've killed hundreds of men without mercy in my time here and can shatter bone with a squeeze of my hands, yet I couldn't bear the cold wind brushing up against my skin and flowing through my dark hair. I was a pathetic jackass and this snow was making that even more abundantly clear.

Snowflakes were resting on my beard and the tips of my hair, always finding a way to trickle down to my face and make me even more cold. A harsh gust of wind blew by, causing me to shudder and clutch my coat tighter.

'Isn't it supposed to be warm here in Gibraltar? It's as if the entire world just wants to incessantly annoy me.' I thought.

It seems that Moira in all her fucking wisdom and intelligence never saw fit to help give me a way to boost my temperature, despite it feeling like it was subzero outside. Yet another reason to curse her name.

The metal that held my body together and kept me alive rendered me cold to the touch, leaving me particularly susceptible this wintry hellscape.

Olivia had all but ordered me to head down to this supposed 'holiday get-together' being held to keep team spirits high, as she said. I didn't see the purpose, we had beaten Talon in Russia a month ago, that should be reason enough to smile. Besides, I hate this time of year. All these celebrations, mindbogglingly annoying carols, frivolous decorations, and most of all this fucking snow, was enough to drive me up a wall.

Here I was anyways, focusing on the insurmountable task of putting one foot in front of the other in this frigid weather and following her every wish, like always.

'This woman plays me for a fool like no one else alive.'

I couldn't only blame Olivia though. Lena had offered me the most heart wrenching version of puppy dog eyes I'd received from her as she pleaded with me to come to this party. How the hell was I supposed to say no to her? I swear she knows what she's doing too. I fall for it all the same.

I had openly stated my disdain for the holiday and she called me Scrooge Gallagher. Unluckily for me, it stuck. Every time one of them sees me I'm forced to listen to them offer me a "BAH, HUMBUG!" in reply to my greetings. Reinhardt was especially good at it, his love of the holiday season and merry festivities making him a perfect thorn in my side.

Now that I think about it, he had joined Lena in her petition to have me show up to this party. I'd never seen him beg, though he was not quite as cute as Lena, admittedly.

A promise was a promise, and I had no intentions of breaking their poor little hearts.

'If I don't freeze to death out here first.' The thought popped into my head, and I pondered which would be a worse fate.

Convincing myself that spending time with them wouldn't be as bad as I was making it out to be, I stood outside the building everyone resided in.

Glancing up through the window, I watched the dozens of people in there for a moment. Reinhardt was in the middle of handing out an assortment of drinks on a large platter, grinning from ear to ear as he did so. Olivia slightly distanced herself like usual, her eyes watching each of them with a smirk on her lips. Jesse was holding the ladder steady for Lena as she reached to finish setting up the decorations she loved so much, both of their eyes gleaming brightly with joy. Angela was busy giggling at something Genji had said as they shared mugs of hot cocoa, her hand resting lovingly on his chest for a bit.

Staring inside from a distance, I could watch them all as they laughed and enjoyed one another's company. I couldn't stop the smile that formed in response.

But then I caught my own reflection in the window, the pathetic fool that I was. I stood alone in the wintry night air as snow covered my black coat and hair, wind brushing the tail of my coat upwards. My customary scowl soon decorated my face.

It was a perfect way to describe how I felt around all of them, even after all this time and the love I hold in my heart for them. I was just an outsider looking in, desperate for their warm, tender embrace to keep me safe from the cold. I paled in comparison to them and their heroics.

'I'm just some fool who's trying to warm himself by the fire.'

The wind was howling now, my teeth beginning to chatter as I shivered. The snow was coming down even harder. Yet still I hesitated to walk inside.

'Do I really belong with them? Do I even deserve their kindness?' Questions I felt I wouldn't like the answers to crowded my mind, causing me to feel more inadequate than I did already.

Pulling my artificial hand away from the door, I turned and began to walk away from the building.

I had no business deluding myself into believing I was worth anyone's time. I should just stay back and be content with looking on from afar. I haven't found a dream of my own just yet.

My feet guided me to a familiar path without having told myself to, leading me up multiple flights of stairs and outside once more in the freezing dry air, feeling even more cold now with the added height.

Snow was blanketing the buildings below, but I could still watch them from above through the windows, a small smile tugging at the corner of my lips.

I was gratified enough just watching from the sidelines and knowing they were safe and happy.

This was where I always went to think, or 'brood and act mysterious' as Angela and Olivia describe it. I could still hear my conversation with Lena up here, as if the words I uttered still reverberated off the clouds of the night sky. The moon still peeked out like it did that night, bathing the entire view in a heavenly glow.

This place would never cease to amaze me. Nor would the people who took me in and saved my life. It was all like something out of a fairy tale. Like this place and Overwatch itself were too beautiful and grandiose to be tainted with the ugliness of the real world.

And I didn't deserve any of it.

My eyes stopped when I glanced down at my feet, a bright red box with a green ribbon displayed neatly right next to my usual seat on the edge. A tag attached to the box fluttered in the breeze gently and it read: "To Scott 'Scrooge' Gallagher." I instantly know who put it up here.

Brushing the snowflakes that fell onto the box off it, I sat down and tugged softly at the ribbon on it and opened it up. In it rested a letter addressed to me that asked me to read it after I've unwrapped my gifts.

Huffing slightly, I reached in it and pulled out a blue woolen scarf that was softer than I knew clothing could be, along with a handmade set of gloves that were knit together dotingly. Smiling, I was surprised to see that they fit my large artificial hands perfectly, a warm fuzziness soon overwhelming my senses as I slipped into them.

The gloves made my hands almost feel human. My titanium limbs could pick up the warmth trapped inside and radiate it through my arms. I didn't hesitate to drape the scarf over my neck and indulge in its comfort.

For a second, I found some emotion I buried deep down within me threaten to bubble over and spill out. Had Lena gone to the trouble just to make these for me? She listened to my ramblings and constant complaints about the cold and decided to take the time out of her day to craft these. I couldn't tell if I felt so warm from the gifts or from the kindness she'd shown me.

Picking up the letter I set aside, I began to read it.

"Dear Scott, you big stick in the mud,

I had a feeling you'd wind up perching on the rooftops and sticking to yourself. You are a creature of habit, that much is clear. I always know where to find you. I wanted you to have these and I hope they can offer you some comfort in the cold. Even now, after all this time, you still try to be so cool and distant, but you know I won't let you be. I'll keep pestering you as much as I have to until I can make you smile as often as you make me. Besides, it's hard to act all brooding and tough when your nose is runny from the cold. Wear these gifts to keep cozy and don't hesitate to ask for some blankets, I've got plenty to spare.

Please, know that we're all here for you. We're teammates, but more than that, we're friends, luv. You don't have to go it alone anymore. You don't have to throw yourself into losing battles anymore.

Stay up there as long as you want, but you don't need to be up all by your lonesome. I'm only one call away, you big oaf.

Merry Christmas, luv."

I felt tears welling up in my eyes, but I wiped them away with a gloved hand and sighed heavily. She was right.

When the time comes for me to go, I'll do it to find something for myself, alone. But that shouldn't mean I have to spend my life alone.

It'll make leaving much harder than it has to be, but so be it. For now, I'll just take things a day at a time. I'll swallow my unfounded distaste for the holiday season, and try to do so for the distaste I harbor for myself as well.

As I made my way back to the building below, I could hear carols playing softly inside as they laughed. It wasn't nearly as cold as it was before, tracing my deep prints in the snow back to the door. I didn't hesitate anymore.

When I flung the door open, I was greeted with cheers and brighter smiles than I felt I deserved. I endured that feeling, focusing on their warmth instead.

"There's the life of the party himself!" Genji saluted with a mug of hot cocoa. The others raised their glasses in adoration as well.

Lena met my eyes as her own lit up in recognition of her handiwork resting on my neck and hands, beaming up at me vividly enough to light up the room.

She crashed into me with a swift flash of blue and hugged me tightly. I returned the same, resting my hands on her back. Taking in the sights, sounds, and smells of the room, I figured maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all.

"Merry Christmas to you too, luv." I muttered softly.


I could still remember it like it was yesterday, the smile that was on my lips that day replaced with a scowl and melancholic gaze at the night sky. I was once more getting lost in nostalgia and a longing for bygone days. And once more, I was out on my lonesome, staring down at the world below from a rooftop.

It was freezing here tonight as well, barring the beautiful landscape and soft snow blanketing the inviting architecture of the Gibraltar base. That was replaced with the dazzling advertisements and flashing lights of the city at night, cars hovering by the busy streets. The city never seemed to sleep, much like me.

The only thing I could do to keep warm was sip on the coffee I had snuck out to buy from the coffee shop a few blocks away. Thankfully, no one recognized me. I chalked it up to my new attire and propensity for sticking to dark, abandoned alleyways.

I tried and failed miserably to not think about Jesse as I enjoyed the hot beverage, always reminded of our talks over morning coffee. I missed him.

No. I missed all of them. Every single one of them.

Such a fool I was to try and distance myself from them. I never even realized what I had until it was taken from me. What I wouldn't give to celebrate a Christmas together again.

For the night, I was left mostly alone with my thoughts. Not even their voices offered chiding remarks like most nights. Hanzo didn't bother stopping me from heading out after I accidentally woke him up, instead offering a glare that peered through my brittle defenses. I didn't like how good he was getting at that.

Pressing the button on my wrist, I made the mistake of thinking I could look at their faces without that familiar pang in my chest, as though someone had just stabbed me and twisted the knife deeper inside.

Efi had made this gift for me, which proved to be yet another way she reminded me of Lena. Far more thoughtful than I had any right to enjoy the company of. It also proved to show what a technological wiz she really was. I had yet to see it in action, but recently I've been noticing her tinkering with some objects at her desk, in her element no doubt. Most likely another marvel she made on her own.

My tired, sunken eye stared at the holograph with a longing I doubt I could even begin to describe to another. Seeing their smiles was paradoxically too painful to look at, yet too inviting to look away from.

Even now, I could feel their warmth. But it wasn't enough to keep me from shivering. Not anymore.

Looking at Lena in particular, I forced myself to press the button again to deactivate the hologram. I couldn't bear meeting her gaze. Not after I abandoned her. Widowmaker was right. I didn't even know if Lena was okay, let alone have any right to pretend I had any form of moral high ground.

I was just as bad as those I fought. Leaving her behind to pursue my own selfish revenge, lusting to spill more blood in retaliation.

Too afraid to face my shame, my guilt, and the friend I failed.

Hearing her screams of anguish echoing in my mind, I shut my remaining eye and shook my head to try and drown it all out. It was the last thing that was burned into my left eye before Olivia severed it in two.

'What am I even doing here? Waiting for her to come find me?' I asked myself, thoughts drifting to Olivia. After all this time, I haven't even caught a whiff of her. And when I did find her, was I supposed to take on an entire Talon army, and those she's fooled into adoring her? And what then? What did that change?

'No matter what happens, I still lose. She took everything from me.'

I was truly pathetic. It's been nearly 3 years since I lost them, yet only now am I taking the time to grieve.

I had never even visited their graves. Never brought flowers. Never even spoke of them again until Efi and Hanzo came along. All that remained of them was their voices in my head and haunting images of them coming to torment me in the night.

I had forgotten who they truly were.

A now all too familiar burning sensation in my eye brought me back to the cold night I found myself in. I forced a tear back down before the guilt could choke me, listening to light footsteps come from below. Looking down beside my feet as they rested off the edge of the roof, Efi was peeking out at me, a small frown adorning her innocent face. She covered up in a jacket, dragging a blanket behind her and draping it over her shoulders like a cloak. She was as cold as I was.

I raised an eyebrow as she reached up towards me. "Give me a hand?" She asked.

Lifting her with ease up from the balcony, I set her down gently beside me on the edge, careful not to drop her. Taking a sip of my coffee, I tried to enjoy it before it got lukewarm.

"I can see why you can't sleep now." Efi muttered, glancing at my coffee. I smirked, looking at her as she bundled up her blanket and leaned on me slightly.

"Don't worry about me, you should be sleeping. Spent a long time working on that, uh, whatever the hell you're working on..."

She snorted, tapping my knee with a hand. "Nah, I'm all good. Besides, almost finished with it. Show you it once I'm done, promise."

"I wait with bated breath." I teased, sipping my coffee again. For a few moments we both took in the sights of the city, sitting in silence together.

'Now she's really reminding me of Lena,' I thought to myself as I looked at her, reminded far too much of the night we spent up on that roof, seeming like a lifetime ago. 'Would she even recognize me?'

"Nightmares?" Efi asked, catching me off guard. "Oh, no, couldn't sleep, actually." I mumbled, holding onto my coffee with both hands to cherish the warmth. I missed Lena's gloves.

"I get the feeling. City has a way of just, keeping you up, I guess." Efi replied, tugging at the small braids in her short hair.

"Just getting used to it, I suppose." I said, tucking my hair behind my ears. "Doesn't explain why you're up here, though." She remarked.

Looking down at my feet as they dangled off the edge of the roof, I felt transported back to the countless nights I spent alone, looking over everyone in Gibraltar.

"Habit. Helps me clear my head. I haven't had the opportunity to do so in a while." I replied, still keeping some of the personal reasons to myself.

Efi gazed up at me, analyzing my scarred face thoroughly before speaking. "Thinking about them?"

I avoided her eyes, irritated with how well she could read me. I was like an open book to her. Deciding it would be no use trying to lie, I let my guard down a little. "I always am." I stated clearly, turning to make eye contact again.

"Anyone in particular? I kinda liked hearing the stories you tell." She admitted, earning a small smile from me.

"Maybe some day, I'll tell you the full story. When I'm in a good mood." I offered, thinking the idea wouldn't be so bad, as long as I could avoid a few areas. 'How was I supposed to explain what happened between Olivia and I? Or what she did to everyone? What she did to me? Maybe it's best she doesn't know.'

"Oh, so never." She joked, making me scoff. "Har-dee-har, very funny."

Efi giggled to herself, smiling warmly. "Ah, I thought it was."

"To answer your question, I was thinking about Lena. Lena Oxton." I grimaced as I said her name aloud, a pain coming to the forefront of my mind like reopening an old wound. She shook her head softly. "I still can't believe you got to know all of them. They were legends."

Smiling, I nodded in response to her amazement. "Tell me about it. She's um," I stopped, fiddling with the lid on my cup of coffee as I thought about her.

Efi waited patiently, something she's been doing a lot of recently. She must know that it can be hard to talk about.

"She's still alive. I haven't seen her in years." I admitted, a look of bewilderment spreading on Efi's face. "Wait, really? Like, she's okay?"

"For better or worse." I grumbled, trying not to think about her condition after what happened.

"Why's it been so long then? Haven't kept in touch?" Efi prodded me further, forcing me to own up to my mistakes.

"I left. After what happened, after I... I lost... everyone else... I just," I struggled to keep it together and explain what happened efficiently so she could understand. 'Why am I even telling her this? I'm just making an even bigger fool of myself.'

"You couldn't stand to look at her. You didn't want to stay to be reminded of it." Efi finished for me, almost perfectly describing my flawed reasoning behind my sudden departure.

Swallowing, I nodded silently, looking down in shame. Efi placed her soft, warm hand in my own, gripping my metallic fingers sweetly. It forced me to meet her sympathetic smile. It hid a familiar grief.

"I know the feeling. Didn't take me long to pack up and head out on my own after Orisa, well, you know." She stumbled. I gripped her hand tenderly in return as a sign of solidarity.

"I failed her. I failed all of them. I thought killing anyone who had anything to do with what happened would make the guilt go away. I thought if I could find her, if I could just take her down with me, I wouldn't be a failure. I wouldn't have to live with who I was. It's been years, I've slaughtered hundreds, even killed some who I know had a hand in it. But I don't sleep any more soundly than I did before. I still hear their voices."

We both sat there in silence, the cold breeze brushing past both of us. I felt too ashamed to look at Efi, having admitted how pathetic I was. But I could feel her eyes on me, burning into my soul.

"I abandoned her to chase after my own selfish revenge. I was too weak to look her in the eyes."

"I can't say I did any different." Efi spoke up after what felt like eternity. Shaking my head, I frowned. "You're wrong. You're back where it happened, living with the reminders, pushing through it day by day. You don't let it define you."

She laughed sardonically. "Don't pretend like I've got all the answers, Scottie. I'm a mess. Yeah, I'm trying. But it's not like you're not here supporting me. Hell, even Hanzo is helpful, sometimes."

I chuckled softly at that, sighing and releasing a breath I didn't know I'd been holding in.

"We should go see her, if you'd like." Efi offered. I shook my head as soon as I processed the idea. "No, we'd need a boat to get back to Gibraltar. Besides, I have no way of knowing she stayed there. Probably left like I did." I turned away from her.

"Scott, stop making up excuses and tell me the real reason."

'Since when could Efi just see through my bullshit?' I asked myself, pondering if she always could.

"She wouldn't want to see me either, I bet. I ain't exactly going to bring up fond memories. I failed her." I replied, stopping myself from trying to reason away what I really felt.

"From all those stories you tell me, and from what I can gather about what happened, I know for a fact you'd never hurt one of them on purpose. You can't keep punishing yourself for these mistakes. You're not being fair to yourself." Efi stated calmly, forcing me to give her words some thought.

"How would I face her again? I haven't avenged anyone, taken Olivia down, anything."

"Is that a responsibility she placed on you? Or one you placed on yourself?" Efi asked. The silence I offered in response was deafening.

As I thought on her words carefully, I realized I had never asked myself that question and truly deliberated my choices. Would this really be what they wanted from me? Revenge? More blood on my hands?

"Just think on it, okay? Maybe it'd be better for us to head home, let you get some actual sleep for once." She finished, placing a hand on my shoulder thoughtfully.

Smirking at her, I met her eyes. "You just wanna snoop around on the supposed 'hallowed ground' of your childhood heroes." I joked, earning a bright grin from her as she stood up.

"There's that, too." She laughed. Efi hopped down onto the balcony and stopped at the window, looking back at me. "Let me know when you feel like telling me that full story, Scott. Here any time you need."

I smiled softly, closing my remaining eye. "Will do, boss."

She slipped back inside, leaving me with my thoughts once more, now even more rattled than before.

'How am I supposed to just come back empty-handed? After all this time? What would I even tell them? How could I even begin to apologize?' The thoughts began to race around my mind and bounce in my skull. I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration.

'And their voices, what about them? What do I tell myself to sleep at night knowing I'll still hear their voices? And what of Olivia? She can't keep getting away with her deception, with what she did to them. I owe my life to the fallen. How can I just brush their deaths aside so easily?'

Forcing myself to try and stop thinking, I threw my empty cup off the roof in anger and confusion. What was the right choice?

"You don't have to go it alone anymore. You don't have to throw yourself into losing battles anymore." What Lena had written on that letter so long ago found its way into my mind. Once more, she was right.

Looking up at the night sky with a shiver, I hoped that somehow I could hug her again and feel her warmth. Someday.

"Lena, wait for me."

Yup, I have once more made a fool of myself. I'm putting off the Olivia and Scott showdown for a later chapter in favor of some character development and an excuse to have a slightly holiday-themed chapter. Maybe one day Scott can just get the hug that he's desperately needed for years.

Thank you all for the support you guys have been showing this story as it goes on. Seeing it grow means the world to me, I can attest to that. You guys are the best. Please, don't hesitate to drop a review and let me know what you're thinking so far. I've got a ways to go, but I can feel some big changes on the horizon. New scenery, new conflicts, same ol' Scottie. Currently pondering an upgrade for him again, a light nod to Metal Gear Rising for those who might catch it next chapter.

I wanted to get one more chapter out before the year ends, so perfect timing for the holiday special. I hope you all have a happy holidays and spend them with family and friends.

I'll see you all next year, so here's to 2023!