(Hi. Starting this chap off with a potential trigger warning (TW!). This chapter mentions miscarriages and at one point alludes to an abortion, though it's not mentioned explicitly.)
I was swallowed in white.
White walls, white floor, white curtains, everything was white. The only splash of color in the clinic had to be my grandfather and me, who sat in the white waiting room chairs. It felt like I didn't belong there. As if any moment I would wake up and this would all just be a nightmare.
But I wasn't waking up. I was spiraling, each moment sinking further into my own head. The monotonous ticking of a clock on the wall was the only thing keeping me remotely present at that moment. All I could think about was how the fuck I had managed to get myself here.
Consumed with fear after receiving the news from Claire, I broke down. Against all better judgment, I confided in my grandpa at work in the morning. I contemplated keeping it to myself for a while—just until I could come up with the perfect way to tell him. But It was hard to hide anything from my grandfather; there wasn't anything I could have told him besides the truth. After leaving Claire's, I felt so lost that I didn't care how my grandpa would react anymore; I just needed guidance.
It did come at a cost, though.
"When I said you should think about starting a family, I didn't mean the next day," my grandpa whispered to me, breaking me out of my stupor. He continued, his voice resembling a hiss as he leaned towards me in his chair. "This is extremely irresponsible, even for you, Gray. I'm beyond disappointed."
I looked over to him but said nothing. Ever since Claire told me the truth, I hadn't been able to say much anyway.
"I think I'm pregnant."
How are you supposed to react when someone tells you that out of the blue, let alone someone closer to an acquaintance than a friend?
Apparently, "Are you sure it's mine?" hadn't been the correct answer. That had only made the crying worse.
I had no idea what I was going to do; I didn't even know for a fact that she was pregnant. She could have messed up somewhere along the way. I had no idea how that shit worked. Claire had been in hysterics and didn't spend much time elaborating on the topic, but I was too dumbfounded to ask anyway.
I hadn't spoken much to Claire since last night, other than her weak request for me to accompany her to the clinic earlier in the afternoon. I had no idea what her intentions were or what she expected of us.
If she were, in fact, pregnant and intended to keep it, I would be stuck with her for at least the next eighteen years… and we'd have a whole-ass-child. An entire human. Together. I would be a father. It was surreal.
My thoughts began to drift to memories of my own estranged parents. As the initial confusion and panic subsided, numbness and resentment took their place.
"Gray," I looked up from my thoughts to see the tall, raven-haired doctor, Trent, standing before me, "I'd like you to come back with me. I want to talk to you two together."
I silently nodded and followed him behind the white curtains.
Sitting on the only examination table in the room was Claire. Her appearance hadn't improved much since last night, the only difference being that today she wore overalls instead of a heap of blankets.
Being utterly blindsided by all this was hard on both of us. Still, I imagined that the emotional toll on Claire had to be unbearable. Her face remained blank and motionless as we entered the room. She was fidgeting with the thin layer of paper underneath her, eyes unmoving from her hands.
I plopped down into one of the chairs along the wall and waited anxiously for the doctor's next words.
"So," Trent started as he diligently examined his clipboard, "good news, Claire. It seems you aren't very far along, but your hCG levels are well above the threshold to be considered pregnant."
Claire and I both knew as well as the other that this wasn't exactly good news. She didn't look away from her busy hands or even react to the words; it seemed like she wasn't even listening to Trent.
"Thank you, Doctor," Claire said softly, her usual energy missing from her voice.
Trent seemed too occupied with reading Claire's chart to notice her demeanor. "Now, since it's still quite early, there's a possibility that this hormone spike could be the result of a chemical pregnancy."
"A chemical pregnancy?" I asked hesitantly.
The doctor looked over his shoulder to me, "Yes. It's quite common, actually. The egg is fertilized but doesn't properly implant within the uterine lining. This causes the hormone response to mirror that of a successful pregnancy initially, though, it results in an early miscarriage."
I nodded my head, only somewhat understanding the doctor's words. It sounded like there was a chance that Claire wasn't actually pregnant, and while I wanted to be excited, rejoicing in something like that felt wrong. Really fucking wrong.
"Your hCG levels are high enough that I'm not too concerned," Trent continued, turning back to Claire. "Although I think it would be a good idea to have you return for another round of bloodwork in a few days so we can monitor your hormones for any sudden drops." The doctor looked back down to his clipboard, seemingly thinking hard about whatever information was on the page. "Even if your hCG levels continue to increase, we won't be able to say for certain or determine a due date until we can get you in for an ultrasound in a week or two. But by then, we should be able to detect a gestational sac if one is present. "
"Ah…okay," Claire started, finally looking up at me before quickly returning to her hands.
Trent paused to assess the situation. He examined Claire, then looked back to study my face. His mouth tightened into a straight line as he looked back at Claire with a stiffened posture.
"I apologize for my haste," Trent said gently, finally picking up on the tension in the room. "Claire, I never inquired how you would like to proceed. As your physician, it's not my job to sway your decision. Even if we determine that you're clinically pregnant, it is still very early; you'll have options."
Claire's wide blue eyes looked over to me, meeting my questioning gaze. The room remained silent as we maintained eye contact. She took a deep breath before leaning her head back and looking up at the ceiling in thought. I just wished that I knew what she was thinking.
"You don't have to decide today," the doctor started again, giving what I assumed was his best attempt at a comforting tone. "We can discuss your options at the next appointment when we have a better idea of your situation."
Claire looked back down to her hands, still actively fiddling with the now crumpled paper underneath her. "Okay. Thank you, Doctor," she said again, somehow more robotic than the last time.
"So then, should I expect to see you both at the next appointment?" The doctor's dark eyes drifted over to meet mine. He made it sound like the question was for Claire, but I knew he'd directed it at me. "It would be beneficial if the two of you were on the same page moving forward."
"Yeah, whatever," I replied without thinking, feeling a little embarrassed with how quickly it left my mouth. As I spoke again, I pulled down the bill of my hat. "I guess so."
"Great," Trent said before he took his eyes off me. "Well, you two, we appreciate you coming in." He directed his attention back to Claire, "You can schedule with Ellie as you check-out. Her knowledge well surpasses mine in this particular field, so she should be able to make suggestions or answer any other questions you may have."
Claire nodded and hopped off the table. She walked past me without as much as a glance and headed towards the exit. I pushed up out of my seat, but before I could follow her, the doctor grabbed my arm. His firm grip caught me off guard.
"Gray, I'd like to have a word with you," he said when Claire was out of earshot, "in private." We waited for Claire to disappear behind the curtain, and he released his hand.
"Well… get after it then," I huffed, rubbing the bill of my cap.
The look on Trent's face was completely different than it had been when Claire was in the room. His thick brows were furrowed, and his polite smile had disappeared.
"I hope you're planning to take responsibility for your actions," he said sternly, not wasting a single second getting to the point. His cloudy eyes seemed to pierce right through mine.
What the hell was that supposed to mean?
"No shit," I snapped back, growing frustrated at the insinuation riddled within his statement. "Why the hell do you think I came here with her, Trent? Of course, I'm going to take responsibility for the kid if she decides to keep it. I'm not a fucking deadbeat."
He raised an eyebrow at me."And what about Claire?" Trent asked, his eyes unmoving from their lock on mine.
"What about her?" I retorted. "She's a big girl." It wasn't conventional, but we both knew that Claire and I didn't have to be together to have a kid. I was growing annoyed by the doctor's prying questions.
"It's my job to ensure all my patients are taken care of," he said, trying to maintain a professional tone. "Regardless of what Claire decides to do, you need to be there for her. This is serious, Gray, it's the right thing to do."
I rolled my eyes and turned my head away from the doctor with a huff. "Do you think I'm stupid? I know this is serious. I don't need a lecture from you too."
Trent opened his mouth to speak but then stopped himself before crossing his arms over his clipboard. "Right. I think we're done here."
I mustered up the most polite nod I could manage in response and watched as Trent headed out of the exam room.
"I look forward to seeing you at the next appointment," he added, stopping in the middle of the doorway. The white curtain draped over one half of his body as he spoke, "You're free to go."
The tall figure disappeared behind the curtain, and I huffed a sigh of relief.
I had never particularly cared for Trent. We didn't talk much, but he was never very friendly towards me anyway. The only other time we'd interacted that long was when he treated my broken knuckle in the Spring after I'd punched my wall. Trent knew nothing about the situation yet spent the entire time reprimanding me for my recklessness anyway. Today's conversation didn't help his case at all.
I eagerly pushed my way out of the examination room and was silently greeted by my grandfather.
We waited for Claire to finish her conversation with Ellie, who seemed to be writing a list for the farmer. The two went back and forth about Ellie's recommendations, and I turned away from the nurse. I really didn't want to look Ellie in the eye. Looking at her only made me think of Mary, and I hadn't even begun to unpack the potential effects on that situation.
If Claire really was pregnant, what the fuck would I tell Mary? I'd told her we would talk soon, but I couldn't imagine how she would react if my pending fatherhood was the subject of discussion. And could I even trust Ellie to keep this from one of her closest friends until then? I had no idea.
Part of me selfishly hoped that this all was a fluke, as wrong as it felt. It would be so much easier that way…
I felt my grandpa's hand on my shoulder, bringing me back to my senses, and I followed him and Claire out of the clinic. As we were hit with the scalding summer heat outside, Claire turned to my grandfather and me.
"So… if you two are free today, would you like to come over for tea?" Claire asked, looking back and forth between Gramps and me. She appeared to have a newfound confidence in her voice. "I finally feel like I'm processing all this, and I was hoping we could talk some things out."
I glanced over to my grandpa, but he didn't even look my way before replying. "Yes, dear, that would be a wonderful idea," he said politely, before adding more force behind his voice. "Right, son?"
I took a deep breath and nodded as I pulled down the brim of my hat. I didn't have a say in the matter anyway, so I wasn't sure why he was even asking me. At this point, it just felt like I was watching my own life play out before my eyes.
We followed Claire on the short walk to her farm in complete silence. Only the sounds of boots on the cobblestone steps hung in the air around us. I was thankful to my body for going into autopilot as my mind explored the intricacies of arguably, one of my most fucked situations yet.
If Claire was pregnant and decided to keep the kid, what would we tell people? When would we tell people? What would we do once the kid was born? My head throbbed, overloaded with questions that had no clear answer.
I was snapped out of my trance when I lightly bumped into my grandpa, who was standing at the entrance of Claire's farm. He had his hands on his hips as he scanned the property.
It had been a while since I had seen Claire's farm in broad daylight. The sun was beginning its descent from its highest point in the sky, illuminating vast rows of tomatoes, corn, and pineapples that appeared days away from ripening. Further out past the crops, I spied a copper-colored foal prancing around a small flock of chickens foraging in their enclosure.
At first, I was impressed by everything the farmer had managed to accomplish since taking over the land, but then I was reminded of our situation. Handling a large harvest in a week or so wouldn't be an issue for Claire now, but if she was pregnant, what would she do next season? Sometimes I would go days without seeing Claire around town. I didn't think much of it previously, but I realized that most of that time was probably spent running her farm.
What is her plan?
Grandpa and I followed Claire into the quaint farmhouse, kicking off our shoes by the front door. Claire motioned for us to take a seat in the dining room as she hurried off to the kitchen. I looked around the main room as I made my way to the table. She had cleaned up after I left last night; all the blankets she had mummified herself with had been neatly folded up and set on the arm of her sofa.
I grabbed a seat at the table facing the kitchen and watched Claire hastily rummage through her fridge. As my grandfather took a seat next to me, he realized the farmer was occupied and used it as another opportunity to ridicule me.
"Well, are you glad you took my advice after all? Unlike you, she actually has manners," he said with a small smirk and a chuckle, obviously pleased with himself. "If anything, you should be thanking me—"
"Shut up." I looked up to make sure Claire wasn't listening, but she had her back to us as she reached into a cupboard. "This isn't a fucking joke, Gramps. I brought you with me because I trust you, not because I wanted your shit."
"Then you shouldn't have been so careless as to get this nice girl pregnant," he snapped, his voice now at a low but forceful whisper as Claire approached from the kitchen.
I chose to stay silent, knowing there wasn't anything I could really say without starting a scene in Claire's dining room. The tension between my grandpa and I was broken when Claire arrived at the table with three glasses and a pitcher filled with a golden liquid. She distributed the glasses around the table and turned to fill my grandpa's cup first.
"It's barley tea," Claire spoke up randomly with a small smile as she finished pouring the tea in the first glass. "It's my first time making it on my own, but... I don't think I can drink it anymore, so I hope you two can enjoy it."
"It's refreshing in this heat," Gramps said after a sip and satisfied sigh. "Thank you for having us over, Claire." He smiled as he watched Claire fill my glass and then placed the pitcher in the middle of the table.
"Oh, it's my pleasure!" she replied sweetly, walking back to the kitchen with her empty glass in hand. "I haven't had many people over since moving here, so it's nice to have company."
Moments later, Claire returned with water in her glass and sat in the seat directly across from me.
"Well, we both appreciate your hospitality," my grandpa added, quickly shooting me a look from the side.
I rolled my eyes at his comment and hesitantly looked across the table at Claire.
Intense sapphire eyes stared back, scanning me underneath a pair of furrowed brows. Claire rested her thumb on her lips and leaned her head into her hand, continuing to observe me. I couldn't tell if she was mad at me, checking me out, or some combination of the two. Either way, I wasn't sure how to respond, so I just took a drink instead.
The only sounds in the dining room were the small sips and clinks of glasses as they were nervously placed back on the wooden table. It appeared as if nobody knew where to go from here.
Gramps raised his arms above his head and stretched them out as a distraction while he kicked my foot and nodded in Claire's direction. Admittedly, I was also growing annoyed at the awkward silence, so begrudgingly, I followed his command and cut to the chase.
"So… you wanted to talk?" I asked carefully, averting my eyes from Claire.
My words seemed to catch her by surprise. Claire quickly shook her head and repeatedly blinked before looking back at the two of us with a sheepish grin. A light pink flush tinted her cheeks, and for a split second, I realized that I had never seen Claire blush before, as minuscule as it may have been.
"Oh! Aha, sorry about that," she said with a nervous laugh, gripping the collar of her shirt. "Yeah, I guess that is why you're here."
I nodded with a forced smile for my grandpa's sake as I waited for Claire to continue.
"Well?" I prodded, trying to hide my impatience. My grandfather shot me a disapproving look, but I pretended not to notice.
Claire traced her thumb across the fabric of her shirt and took a deep breath before looking up at me. "I just want you to know…" she started, her voice gaining volume as she spoke, "if I am pregnant, I'm planning on keeping it."
All the air in my lungs instantly left. I'd made my own assumptions about what Claire would do, but hearing it out loud was enough to leave my heartbeat anxiously echoing throughout my entire body. What was I supposed to say to that?
"And… I just need to know, honestly, before we move forward," Claire continued, her tone direct and confident as she spoke this time. "Are you going to be involved or not? You need to decide now, and it's either yes or no. I don't really want to stay here and raise a child by myself."
I sat up in my seat, my body tensing at her question. Had I done something to make her think that I would leave her on her own?
"Why would you even ask that?" I demanded, my eyes narrowing in frustration.
Claire's expression didn't change; her eyes remained focused on me, lips pressed tightly together. "Well, what's it going to be?" she replied forcefully.
My eyes instinctively rolled as she dismissed my question. She was the second person today to question my character, and it left me wondering how people in town saw me. Was there something about me that radiated good-for-nothing energy?
"Of course I am!" I yelled across the table, trying to hide the hurt in my voice. "The fuck, Claire? What kind of person do you take me for?"
I expected her to react negatively to the edge in my reply, but she remained unfazed. Her serious expression faded into a sad smile as she looked down at the glass of water in front of her.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you," Claire replied calmly, tracing one of her hands around the side of her neck. She let out a humorless chuckle before finishing her thought, "I just had to ask because, honestly, I don't know what kind of person you are."
"So you two barely know each other, and you're planning to raise a child together?" Gramps interrupted. I had almost forgotten that he was sitting next to me.
"Butt out, Gramps," I snapped. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to bring him along after all.
"In my day, this was almost completely unheard of!" My grandfather bellowed, all but slamming his half-empty glass on the table.
Here we go again…
I took a sip of my tea as he continued his speech. "In a town like this, if news gets around about you two, it undoubtedly will cause an uproar." A heavy sigh escaped his lips as Gramps shook his head. "When I was your age, if a situation like yours' arose, the two'd get married to prevent all that. I reckon that's what you two 'oughta do."
The liquid I had attempted to swallow sprayed out of my mouth as I reacted to my grandfather's words. "Wh-what?" I forced out between breaths.
Claire's wide eyes indicated she was just as shocked as I was, but my grandpa stayed perfectly content with his words. He crossed his arms as his eyes darted between Claire and me.
"You heard what I said," he stated as a matter of fact before downing the rest of his drink. "Gray, it's the same thing I told your parents when—"
"And look how well that worked out for them," I spat.
My comment seemed to catch him off-guard. He cleared his throat before turning to speak to me in a lower tone, "That was different, and you know that."
He could make all the excuses he wanted; I didn't want to talk about it anymore.
I placed my elbows on the table in front of me and rested my head in my hands, using my thumbs to press into my temples. What am I getting myself into? Before I could think of an appropriate reply to my grandfather's insanity, Claire spoke up.
"Ah, Saibara, sir, with all due respect," Claire started uneasily, "I... We appreciate your help, but... we still don't know if I am for sure. So I think it's a little early to be discussing that, y'know?" She gazed over at me, tilting her head.
It appeared as if she was concerned, but I didn't know how to respond. Part of me was just impressed that she managed to deal with my grandfather's bullshit so well. The other half of me was still perplexed, and honestly, infuriated with the woman sitting in front of me.
"We'll save this discussion for later then," my grandfather spouted, noting the silent exchange between Claire and me. "Take some time to consider it, though. If you two could understand the outrage there would be if everyone found out that two kids were having a child together out of wedlock, you'd side with me."
His closing statement left a lasting impression. Everyone in town seemed reasonably easy-going at the surface level, but I knew from being around Mary and her family that situations like ours would be subjected to intense scrutiny and gossip.
Claire would be in an incredibly challenging position having to bear the physical changes that would accompany our predicament, on top of the challenges of being new in town. I sympathized with her, and I didn't want people to treat either of us differently because of one drunken mistake. But marriage to a girl I barely knew? Fuck. That. Shit.
"Will do. Thank you, Saibara," Claire said as nicely as she could force out, a fake smile plastered across her face. "We both appreciate your insight."
Being a professional at appeasing my grandfather by now, I could tell that Claire was just trying to make a good impression, despite her true feelings towards his suggestion. Claire's tight grip around her glass was enough of a hint for me, though. I had to hand it to her. Claire was smarter than I thought: she knew that kissing my grandpa's ass was the best way to gain his support, and she was actually pretty good at it.
"Well, anyway, Claire, you have my thanks for welcoming us into your home tonight," Gramps said as he slowly pushed up from his chair. "If you will excuse me, I'll be at the inn for supper."
I started to get up too, growing annoyed and ready to get drunk, but then he spoke again. "Gray, you 'oughta stay here."
"Huh?" I asked, slouching back into my chair.
"You heard me, boy," he scolded, his tone reminiscent of his lectures earlier in the day. "Take this opportunity to get to know the girl since, from what I've seen today, you two barely know a damn thing 'bout the other!" His hand casually motioned towards Claire. "And I'm sure Claire wouldn't mind the company."
We both looked over to the blonde, who was obviously not paying attention to the conversation. She sat contently in her chair, sipping her water and kicking her legs. A few seconds later, her head finally snapped up and the words registered in her head.
"O-oh!" Claire stammered, frantically setting her glass down. "Yes, of course, Gray. You're welcome to stay if you'd like." Her lips curved into a polite smile as that rare pink tint returned to her face.
For a brief moment, I considered how cute she looked with color in her cheeks, but snapped myself back to reality. It didn't matter how cute she was. I didn't want to be left alone with Claire making awkward idle chit-chat. I didn't want to be alone with her at all.
"Perfect," Gramps said with a satisfied smile. "I'll see you tomorrow, son." He silently hobbled to the main room and slipped the geta back on his feet before disappearing behind Claire's front door.
As the door slammed behind him, I turned around to Claire, who had been watching my grandpa exit as intently as I had been. I had to tear myself away from the blonde. Looking at her just made me furious, and I didn't have my grandpa's presence to help suppress those feelings anymore.
I looked down at my glass of tea, wishing that the golden liquid inside was a much stronger variety of barley beverage. Needless to say, I wasn't exactly thrilled to be left alone with Claire again.
