(Hi hello I'm so excited to be updating! Tbh I've been so spread thin at work I can't believe I'm not fkin butter, but I finally found the time to get this bad boy rollin~
A couple of !Trigger Warnings!: another reference to drowning at the beginning of this chapter, as well as some drug use. ))
Darker and deeper. The dimming light above seemed farther away; my motions slowed and only met with more resistance. Flames filled my chest as the last glimmer at the surface was replaced with darkness.
When I woke up in a breathless cold sweat, I was alone in the middle of the night. After anxiously tossing and turning in the dark for what felt like hours, I finally drifted off.
I was grateful for what seemed like a few hours of dreamless sleep until burning eyelids pulled me out. When I finally opened my eyes to the bright light, I shot out of bed with the stark realization that I'd overslept.
Gramps wasn't going to be ecstatic to see me after yesterday anyway. But being late on top of all that? The thought alone sent me flying to the shop without much else other than the clothes on my back. There was no easing into that particular morning; I had to hit the ground running, literally.
I'd made it to work with minutes to spare, but I was too dazed to get into it with my grandpa. When Gramps didn't say much more than the plan for the day, it was a relief. Any mention of Claire or our previous conversation would just send us spiraling back into a fight.
After everything that'd been said between us the day before, I think we were both eager to do what our family did best: brush the problem under the rug.
Our only topic of conversation was horseshoes. Barley needed a few new sets, and I was to spend the rest of the day preparing them. Usually, I would have complained about acting as the rancher's makeshift farrier, but I didn't have it in me. I was relieved to be going back to basics; my brain was preoccupied with anything but work.
At first, my main focus was my new recurring nightmare. There was no rationalizing it. I knew how to swim, and I'd never drowned before. If anything, I was a decent swimmer, so I was at a loss trying to pinpoint a source. It wasn't the first time I'd experienced stress-induced night terrors, but it had been years. Those dreams made sense in the past—this most recent one, on the other hand, not at all.
I wasn't sure why I thought getting absolutely wrecked was the solution to my sleeping problem either, but I was wrong. Dead wrong. While the visions were less vivid this time around, the chilling sensations I felt only amplified. Tonight the goal was to attempt staying sober, or at least, not get fucking obliterated, in hopes that it would solve the problem.
My body was on autopilot, going through familiar motions. I heated the steel, shaped it around the anvil, and returned it to the forge to repeat the same steps. Over and over. It wasn't the most engaging work, but I'd done it so many times I didn't have to think much about it. All the other bullshit going on in my life had the center stage in my mind.
I grabbed the half curved piece of metal in front of me and returned it to the forge with a pair of tongs. Glowing red coals settled around the steel as flames spread across its surface. My eyes were locked, waiting for the dark metal to match the gleam of the embers below it.
Waiting. That seemed to be all I did sometimes. It felt like I was always waiting to figure my shit out. As if time would be the fucking solution.
I was waiting on Claire, and before that, I'd been waiting on Mary. And on top of it all, I was waiting to see if I was going to be a dad. It felt like I should be a pro by now, but that didn't make it any easier. Not in the slightest.
It was agonizing that somebody I'd just gotten to know was affecting me so severely. Especially somebody I'd convinced myself I wanted nothing to do with only weeks prior.
I couldn't put my finger on when that change had happened. One minute, I was trying to ignore any proof of Claire's existence... the next, I was longing for even a glimpse of the same smile I'd claimed to hate. It was so pathetic…
Suddenly, a push knocked me off balance, and the tongs ripped from my hand. Gramps was in front of me, pulling the incandescent half-horseshoe out of the forge and tossing it into the quenching bucket in one fluid motion.
It took me a second to register what had happened, but when I heard the metal hissing as it cooled in the bucket below, I braced for impact.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Gramps demanded as he snapped around, hurling the tongs on the anvil.
I wasn't sure what kind of answer he wanted, or if he even wanted one at all. "Working?" I tried.
He closed his eyes and slowly inhaled. "If that were the case, I wouldn't have had to intervene like that." He looked down at the fizzling horseshoe and then back at me with a sigh. "Are you trying to burn the place down?"
"No…" I rested a hand on the brim of my hat. "Sorry. Didn't mean to."
He paused as if surprised I wasn't putting up more of a fight. "Did you not hear me calling your name? Trying to get your attention? Is your head on straight today?"
"I didn't…" My gaze moved to the sunken horseshoe at the bottom of the bucket. "Guess I was a little distracted." That was an understatement.
Gramps stopped to inspect me as if that would give him the answer to whatever question he seemed to be considering. He cleared his throat before starting again, "Did you stop by Claire's yesterday?"
"No," I groaned, fighting the urge to roll my eyes too. "Wouldn't expect you to understand, but she doesn't wanna talk to me."
"And you've tried?" I didn't understand how that old man was so damn persistent.
I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath. "No, but just…" Rehashing my last conversation with Claire was a dangerous game, so I tried to summarize without much thought. "She wanted to be left alone. So until she lets me talk to her, you won't be gettin' that reconciliation you want so damn bad."
Gramps let out a groan as his hands moved to his temples. I wasn't too sure which emotion would come next, but I wasn't exactly thrilled to continue the current conversation.
"So… can I get back to work?" I said after a year of silence. "Or you got any other hard-hitting questions?"
I expected Gramps to scold me for my remark, but instead, he just shook his head. "I can't have you working distractedly, Gray. It's a liability." His voice was eerily calm.
"I'm not—"
"We can't afford any more damage to the forge, boy, you know that," Gramps bellowed over me before I could even finish the thought. There was the tone I was so familiar with. "If I wouldn't have pulled you out of that little daydream of yours, who knows how long you would've been standing there."
I couldn't think of anything to say back to that, at least not before he started walking away.
My grandpa marched to his desk, snatching a painfully familiar golden hammer from its storage. "Here's what you're going to do." He thrust the tool into my chest, almost knocking the air out of me. "You're to deliver this hammer to Claire—"
"Gramps, she won't—"
"I wasn't finished," he commanded, eyes unwavering from mine. "You're to deliver the hammer to Claire, and then take the rest of the day to do whatever the hell you need to do to come back with focus and a new attitude tomorrow."
I gave into the clenching of my jaw, holding back any remnants of a comeback to my grandfather's lapse in sanity.
"Fine," was all I could utter before storming out of the shop.
My grandpa's latest attempt at interfering with my relationships was driving me up the fucking wall. It's like the man hadn't learned his lesson. But at the same time, I couldn't ignore the butterflies and twisting trepidation that seemed to coexist in my stomach when I thought about seeing Claire.
With the hammer wrapped in my clammy hand, I took the short walk to Freedom fucking Fields. For some reason, that name seemed to irritate me even more than usual.
I tried to remember the advice Ann had given me the day before. But truthfully, I was already going against one of the most essential instructions, not showing up on her property unexpectedly. Still, I was just doing as I was told.
The best course of action was just to deliver the hammer and then go on my way. I felt like it was the best compromise; I could get Gramps off my back and hopefully show Claire that I was capable of giving her space… even if I didn't want to.
I stood hesitantly at the entrance to Claire's farm, scanning the dense plots of green and contrasting sections of old, wilting vines for any sign of the farmer.
It wasn't hard to notice the blonde ponytail bobbing between green stalks at the end of the field. Convincing myself to approach her was the hard part. Seeing Claire, even from that far away, sent all the air rushing from my lungs.
I knew it was too late to turn back, though I was seriously debating the possibility. But as long as I had the hammer in my possession, I knew I couldn't. Gramps would have my ass on a platter if I still had it when I showed up at work.
My feet took slow, deliberate steps in Claire's direction. I tried to predict how she would react to my presence or what she would say, but I was at a loss. I never knew what she was going to do, but my inability to say the right thing probably didn't help.
By the time I reached Claire, she had her back to me, crouched in front of a plot of corn. The steady snapping of husks off the stalk hinted that she was oblivious to my presence, and honestly, I wasn't all that surprised. Karen was right; Claire did seem to live in her own world sometimes.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and took a careful step onto the field.
"Claire?" I hated the way her name sounded coming out of my mouth... like I was a scared little kid again.
No response. Claire didn't react or stop harvesting. There were no obvious signs that she was ignoring me, but I didn't know what else to do.
When I called her name again more assuredly with no reaction, I looked down to the hammer in my hand. Without another thought, I shifted my grip to palm the golden mallet and lightly poked her shoulder with the end of the handle.
Claire absentmindedly turned to swat at her shoulder. After noticing the wooden handle, her eyes traveled up its length to meet mine, and she froze. My body unconsciously did the same as I waited for any ounce of a response from her.
After what felt like hours of staring into wide eyes, Claire's mouth fell open, searching for sounds that never came. Instead, she quickly turned back to the husk of corn in her other hand and tore it off the stalk. As Claire stood up and turned around, the innocent corn was hucked into the basket by her feet.
"What're you doing here?" she demanded, dusting off the legs of her overalls before glaring up at me. Claire's eyes were narrowed and sharp to match her tone, but her mouth seemed to wrestle between a thin line and a frown.
"I know you said you wanted me to leave you—"
"Then why are you here?" Based on the tightness that spread from her shoulders to her fists, I knew I needed to get to the point before I made matters worse.
I held up the hammer. "Just came to drop this off, Gramps's orders." She didn't immediately respond like I thought she would, so my voice nervously filled the space between us. "Can't go back to the smithy with it, so just take it, and I'll leave."
After staring at the tool for a brief moment, she took a step forward and grabbed the handle. My hand lingered on the mallet a second longer than it probably should have. I couldn't help basking in the fleeting eye contact she allowed me before I released my fingers one by one.
I forced myself to turn around before I could make any more of a fool of myself. As much as I selfishly wanted to find a way to stay, I knew I needed to leave.
"Guess I'll see ya." My feet seemed to have a mind of their own as they headed for the south exit of her farm.
It was no surprise when I didn't get any sort of response in parting. I focused on the sound of the grass crunching under me instead.
"Um… wait."
Those two words, as softly as they were spoken, were enough to send my heart into a fucking frenzy.
I slowly turned around, noticing Claire had taken a few steps after me. "Yeah?"
She caught me off guard by taking another step closer, her face relaxing slightly. "I... went back to the clinic yesterday," Claire said quietly, her eyes only briefly leaving their fixation on her hammer to meet mine. "Y'know, for more blood work."
"Everything okay?" I cursed myself internally for speaking without thinking, but relief rushed over me when it didn't seem to upset her.
"I…uh, I guess it depends on your definition of okay," she paused and pressed her lips together, moving her gaze to the mangled grass below her busy foot. "But... my hormones or whatever have more than doubled since last time..." It's like her eyes were intent on avoiding mine as she twirled the hammer in her hands. "So…we still won't know for sure until the appointment, but Ellie said that's usually a pretty clear sign..."
It wasn't the first time I'd been confused by Claire's behavior, but I was shocked she was talking to me at all… let alone as calmly as she was.
Why would she break down and tell me about a trip to the doctor? If she wanted to tell me shit about the pregnancy, that meant that I had a chance… right? There's no way she'd confide that to somebody she wasn't going to let be involved, or so I told myself.
I just wanted to know where her head was at.
"And you're still… uh..." I couldn't think of how to phrase it. Asking: 'You still wanna do this shit with me?' wasn't exactly the nicest way of putting it. "You still… uh, stickin' to that… original plan?"
I wasn't sure if that was the worst possible thing I could have said, but it sure as hell wasn't the right thing to say. The way her face slowly cringed was enough of a clue for me.
"You should go." The words seemed to barely make it out of her clenched jaw. The anguish on her face was the last thing I saw before she turned away.
"Wait, fuck." I squeezed my temples, realizing how she took my question. "Claire, that's not what I meant."
"Then what did you mean?" Claire shouted back as she snapped around, her voice verging on a shriek. I couldn't help but notice the white knuckles wrapped around the hammer's handle.
"I just wanna know what you're thinking!" I didn't even recognize I'd taken a step forward until I'd gotten the words off my chest. When I brought my gaze to hers, I was only met with daggers. "Being in the dark like this… it's drivin' me fuckin' crazy."
"I drive you crazy?" Something between a scoff and a laugh escaped her lips. "You have no idea." She rolled her eyes to the side before threatening to turn around. "You've made it perfectly clear you'd be better off without me, so why don't you just—"
"That's fuckin' bullshit." I didn't mean to cut her off, but the way she lied like that made my skin crawl.
Silence. I didn't know if that was a good or bad thing. But… she hadn't turned around and seemed to be waiting for me to say something, giving me the smallest glimmer of hope.
"That's just… that's not true." My stupid mouth was letting the words fall out before I even had a chance to think. "I miss being around you. I feel like… you bring out the best in me."
It was the truth, as stupid as it felt to hear myself say. In the short time that I'd spent getting to know Claire, the impact she had on me was tenfold. I'd rarely felt as confident or understood as I had been around her, and I didn't want to lose the hope of feeling that way again.
Claire approached my spot, in the most surprising turn of events, coming closer than I'd anticipated. Much closer.
"Oh yeah?" Claire held the hammer behind her back as she looked up at me with an unexpected coyness in her voice, "Is that how you really feel?"
Finding something to say was the last thing on my mind, so I swallowed and forced a nod. The distance between us was almost non-existent. All I could think about was the fact that Claire was one small step away from pressing herself against me.
Then I heard that bitter laugh, and I knew it was about to come tumbling down.
"It's just… that's funny." She took a step back, and her fake smile faded into a scowl. "That's not what your girlfriend seemed to think."
Fuck. I should have known it wouldn't be that easy.
"She's not my girlfriend... she's never been my girlfriend," I groaned, struggling to press down the same anger I felt that night. "And I don't give a fuck what she thinks! I care what you think."
Claire spun around before I could see how she'd reacted. "I… I just wish I could believe you." She stomped towards her farmhouse, not stopping to call over her shoulder with a shaky voice, "When I come back out, I want you gone."
Watching her walk away was torture, and I couldn't do it anymore. My boots were moving in the opposite direction before I even knew where I was headed. I wasn't sure if I'd made the situation any better or only worse; I just needed to be anywhere but there.
It was too early to convince anyone to sell me alcohol, but I knew I needed something to distract myself from how pitiful I felt. So I kept walking.
By the time my feet finally stopped, I was standing at the end of Gotz's property. I didn't have the slightest idea as to what I was going to do, but as my eyes followed the path up to the base of Mother's Hill, soon my steps did the same.
I figured it would be the best place to go. It used to be my one place I could think in peace, but I didn't want to think about anything anymore: I just wanted to get away.
As I made it past the clearing by the lake, thickets of trees and shrubs seemed to be the only inhabitants other than songbirds chirping in the background. The scene felt so calm and serene. It was almost the exact opposite of how I was feeling.
When I approached the hill's trailhead, I noticed a familiar brown ponytail tucked between a couple of trees beside the lake. I almost didn't see him until he repositioned his seat, rustling the branches of a nearby bush.
I wasn't sure where I'd expected to see Cliff, but the base of Mother's Hill was not it. While part of me ached to be left alone, I couldn't help my curiosity. Cliff had been especially distant lately, but I wasn't sure if it was the result of me being a shitty roommate or something else. It was a good enough distraction for me.
After making my way through the tall wild grasses, I ended up behind my roommate's perch by the lakeshore. He was hunched over what appeared to be a fishing rod, zoned into the line wrapped between his fingers.
"Yo."
Cliff jumped as his head shot back, his free hand flying to his chest. He took a deep breath before finally meeting my gaze, "Phew. Just you." His hand moved back to the fishing line. "You about scared me half to death."
"Shit. Sorry." I took a seat next to Cliff, my eyes drawn to the knots that busied his hands. "What're you doin' out here anyway?"
He didn't look away from his hands to answer, "I could ask you the same thing."
"Fair," I sighed. I didn't have it in me to lie; there was nothing left to lose telling Cliff the truth. "Gramps sent me to deliver some tools and then told me to take the rest of the day off."
"Oh?" Cliff offered as he rummaged through the box on the other side of him. "That's… good?"
"No. Not good," I shook my head at myself, eventually letting out a heavy exhale. "Says I'm distracted and need to fix my attitude before I come back tomorrow."
"I see." His attention was still on the fishing line in his hands, now adorned with a baited hook and weights.
"So what're you doin' out here?" I asked again after a few moments of silence, eager to move the spotlight away from me.
Cliff didn't seem as keen. He cast his line and then glanced between me and the floating bobber. "Um. Do you really have to ask?"
"Guess not," I replied with a huff.
I had no idea Cliff was much of a fisherman. He'd never mentioned it before, but when I thought about it, Cliff never really said anything about what he did or his life pre-Mineral Town.
Cliff was silent, so I let it be for a minute. I couldn't help my curiosity, though. It seemed like the only safe thought I'd had that morning.
"So you gonna tell me why you've been actin' so weird lately?"
"Weird?" Cliff shot me the side-eye. "I don't know what's weird about trying to make sure I have a means for living…" He shook his head and looked forward. "You're the one that's been weird."
I wasn't sure what to say. Weird didn't even begin to describe how I'd been feeling lately.
This must have been apparent in my face because Cliff's worried eyes met mine for the first time in our conversation. "Gray… is everything okay?"
"I don't know," the words barely audible as they left my mouth. I despised how that question seemed to push up all the feelings I was trying to suppress.
"You… don't know?" His shoulders turned towards me as he rested the rod between his legs. "What… what's going on?"
I took another deep breath in an attempt to calm my racing heart. "Swear you won't say shit to anybody."
Cliff narrowed his eyes at me. "Okay…?"
"Swear."
"I... swear? But… um, I don't know who you think I would tell…"
There was no turning back; I had to get it off my chest. "It's… uh, it's Claire," I said slowly, my face unconsciously wincing. "She might be pregnant."
"She…" I'd never seen Cliff's eyes so large. "And it's…?"
He didn't even have to finish the question. "Yeah."
He took a few minutes to process, and I understood the feeling. Even saying it out loud was enough to return the gnawing dread to my chest.
"Might be?" I heard Cliff's confused voice ask.
"Yeah, guess we'll find out at the end of this week." That sentence made the situation frighteningly real. It also made me realize that there was a chance I wasn't even welcome at said appointment.
Cliff was quiet for a second, his gaze fixed on the lake. "Who else knows?"
"Besides you, me, and Claire? Uh…" I tried to recall everyone Claire and I had gone over. "Gramps, Trent and Ellie… oh, and Ann."
Cliff blinked a few times as if working through a particular thought. "The night of the fireworks," was all he said.
"Yeah…" I didn't even want to think about how Ann had looked at me on the beach… or how I'd found Claire that night. "Claire found out before Ann came to get her."
He nodded as I talked, putting the pieces together in his head. "And… you two are…?"
"We… uh, talked about doing the shit together…" I rested my hands on the top of my hat. "But I kinda fucked things up with her, so… currently, not talking."
Cliff stared but didn't say anything, so I anxiously replaced the silence. "That night you walked upstairs… I was on a date with Claire and… left her for Mary."
"I see." He turned his attention back to the water. "Guess both of your behavior makes sense now."
I felt my brows furrow. "The fuck's that supposed to mean?"
"Well, um, I'm borrowing this from Claire," Cliff started, motioning toward the fishing rod. "I came by to ask if she had any work, but... when she didn't, she offered me the rod to use." I wasn't sure where the story was going until he added to the thought. "But, um… she just seemed… unusually down."
That didn't make me feel any better. "Didn't realize you two were so close."
"I… um, wouldn't say we're close…" Cliff trailed off, avoiding my gaze. "I only see her when she comes by the church or when she hangs out with Ann… but she's always kind to me."
"Makes sense." Something about that caused my stomach to knot.
"But um, she was asking about you."
That statement pulled me out of my own jealous thoughts. "Well?"
"She asked if I knew what happened, and when I didn't, she asked how you were doing."
"When was this?"
"Um… yesterday? Early afternoon?" Cliff stopped to investigate me before turning back to the water. He seemed to pick up on what I was thinking before I even asked it. "I said you seemed okay… but I guess I should've factored in the whole drinking yourself senseless part."
I couldn't believe he was still upset about that. "I already said I was sorry for waking you up," I snapped. "Kai's gone in a few days, so it's not like I'm gonna be up all night anymore. Won't happen again."
"Gray… it's not…" Cliff shook his head, eyes still avoiding mine. "I don't care that you woke me up. That's not what I'm talking about."
"Then what are you talking about?"
He paused for a moment, his mouth periodically opening and closing as if trying to settle on the right words. "It… It's not fun," he finally choked out, "it's not fun for the people that care about you, watching you do that to yourself."
"Do what to myself? Getting fucked up?" I couldn't help but scoff. "Other than waking you up that one time, I don't see how my drinking affects you or anyone else."
"That's… that's the problem," Cliff sighed. His voice lowered as he continued, "Just… forget I even said anything."
"Fine by me." I stood up from my spot. "I'll leave you to it then."
Cliff didn't say anything as I walked away, but I didn't want to hear it even if he did.
I was fucking done. The sun wasn't even to its highest point in the sky, and I'd gone through enough shit to feel confident enough to call it a day. Suddenly, my bed sounded much more appealing than the great outdoors. Seclusion, silence, but most importantly, nobody fucking nagging me were the only things I wanted.
With the sole goal of disappearing in mind, I headed for the inn. While everybody was out and about during the day, it seemed like the perfect place to hide. I kept my head down as I walked the dirt path and eventually the cobblestone steps home.
I'd never been so relieved to see the inn's dining room empty. I didn't wait to see if Doug or Ann were around; my feet were heading up the stairs, intent on making it to my bed as soon as possible.
As I walked down the hallway, all the emotions from the day seemed to hit me at once. The escape of my bed only sounded more appealing. I was almost home free when I heard my name called from behind.
Of course, because why would it have ever been that easy for me?
I saw Ann standing in the doorway of a vacant room from over my shoulder, curiosity painting her face. When I turned to continue to my room, I heard hurried footsteps after me. My hand got to the doorknob before she caught up with me, but it was surprisingly locked.
With a sigh, I spun on my heels to face Ann. "Yeah?"
"Did you forget your key or something?" she asked, looking between me and the door.
I rolled my eyes. "No. I have it… just… I think Kai's in there."
"Oh?" Ann tilted her head in confusion until I shot her a look. "OH. Ew."
"Yeah."
She paused for a moment as she rocked on her toes. "So, not tryin' to be rude or anything, but what are you doin' back here so early?"
"Gramps sent me home." I didn't really want to open that can of worms again.
"Huh? That's weird." Her brows furrowed with a frown. As somebody that knew Gramps pretty well, Ann must have been confused by his actions too. "Why would he do that?"
"'Cuz apparently, I can't do my fuckin' job," I retorted, louder than I'd anticipated. Saying the words just loosened my hold on the anger I'd been struggling to contain. "Got any other fuckin' questions? I've been lectured more times than I can count today, so if that's what you're lookin' to do, just get it over with, shit."
Ann took a step back, looking back at me with a glare. "Goddess, what's up with you? All I did was ask a question."
I hung my head in response. Ann was one of the few who'd stuck with me through all my bullshit, and I was taking my frustrations out on her again. I just felt guilty.
"Gray?" Her voice softened, and the rest of her face followed suit. "Are you okay?"
"I'm sorry," was all I could force out.
"Ooooh, yikes," Ann grimaced. "So that's a no." She looked towards my door and then back at me with a sigh. "Claire?"
"I…" I looked back at her after a deep breath. "Ann, I fucked up."
"What's new?" she replied, shaking her head. "What'd you do this time?"
"I went over there earlier."
"What? Why?" Ann exclaimed, throwing up her hands. "That was the first thing I told you not to do!"
"Couldn't help it… Gramps made me deliver her hammer." I shoved my hands in my pockets. "He's been trying to get me over there to apologize since yesterday."
"Great," she groaned. "I can't believe Saibara's interfering like that."
"I can," I muttered with an eye roll. "Doesn't make it any less fucked, though."
"Well, okay, you showed up at Claire's..." Ann seemed to brace herself before asking, "What happened? Did you apologize?"
Fuck. I hadn't even thought of apologizing. "Uh. No."
Ann inhaled sharply, her eyes fluttering closed. "What am I gonna do with you…"
"It was fine at first!" I defended myself. "Wasn't like she was happy to see me or anything, but when I was about to leave, she started tellin' me about pregnancy shit."
She froze. "Oh? But? There has to be a 'but.'"
"The 'but' is that I'm a piece of shit that can never say the right thing."
"Gray…" Ann started, on the verge of a scold, "what did you say?"
"I... fuck." I didn't even want to repeat it. How did I ever think that it would be an appropriate way to phrase my concerns? "I… I asked her if she was still stickin' to her original plan."
Ann's mouth fell open, eyes blinking in disbelief. "No, you didn't."
"I didn't mean it like that! I just… I wanted to know if she still wanted to do the shit with me … not if she still wanted to keep it or anything."
"Then why didn't you just say that?" Ann questioned, the exasperation clear in her voice.
"I don't fuckin' know! Being around her sometimes… I just say and do stupid shit." I brought my hand to the bill of my cap and let out a defeated sigh. "Ann… I don't know what to do anymore."
Ann was silent for a few moments. I wasn't sure if she would know what to do, but I was fucking desperate.
"I don't know how helpful this is," Ann started carefully, "but… when I went over yesterday morning, she wouldn't even talk about you."
"That's not helpful at all."
"I wasn't done, smart one," Ann bantered back. "I just think… the fact that she's even talking to you and even bringing up… the whole situation is a good sign."
"Yeah, maybe," I replied, not very convinced. "But I already fucked it up." Like always.
"Well, that is true. But, uh…" Ann faltered before looking away.
"But what?"
It took Ann a second to muster up the words. "Gray, I don't think Claire is completely innocent in all this either." She paused and met my curious gaze. "Don't get me wrong, you're still very much at fault and need to apologize, but… she does too. And I think she just needs a little time to realize that."
I wasn't sure what I'd expected Ann to say, but that was not it. "You think so?"
"Yeah. I mean… what you did was messed up. And today definitely didn't help. I want to be very clear about all that." Ann shot me a stern look before easing the expression with a sigh. "But I don't understand what Claire expects from you now. Like, she rushed into this whole thing expecting it to be fine, and now she's taking it out on you." Ann moved her gaze to the window. "And honestly, me too. I had to convince Karen to check on her today because I just... couldn't do the anger again. Now that I know all this happened today, I'm glad I did."
The fact that Ann was suffering because of my stupid mistakes made me feel even worse. "I… I'm sorry, Ann. You don't deserve that… from Claire or me." I looked down at my boots and reached for my hat. "You're… always such a good friend, and all I do is make your life harder."
"Hey… don't say that." She took a step forward with a reassuring smile, placing a light hand on my arm. "You definitely don't make my life any easier, but... I know you and Claire both need tough love." Her hand gave a gentle squeeze before returning to her side. "We're family, Gray. We have to look out for each other."
It felt like I didn't deserve Ann's kindness. Having family that cared and wanted to help was scary; it only set me up to let them down.
"You're right," I admitted with a heavy exhale. "Thanks."
"Just... be patient. I think that's all you can do for now," Ann offered with a weak shrug. "But don't forget what I said! You need to apologize and tell her the truth." She wagged her finger at me like I was a fucking kid. "Oh! And like I said before, tone it down on the drinking and focus on being nice!"
"Fine." I was so tired of listening to other people talk about my drinking habits.
"Seriously, Gray!" She flicked the bill of my hat with a giggle. "You know what they say, kill 'em with kindness!" Ann was the only person I knew that actually said that.
The door to my room creaked open, and instantly, Ann and I snapped our heads towards the sound. Kai shimmied out of the cracked doorway, his face lighting up when he saw me. At least somebody was excited to see me.
"Well, look who it is!" he laughed, taking a step forward to slap me on the arm. He moved his gaze to Ann, giving her a subtle nod. "'Sup Ann, looking great, as always."
Ann let out half a chuckle. "Hi Kai."
"Ugh, it doesn't even sound like you're going to miss me at all," Kai groaned with feigned dramatics, placing his hands on Ann's shoulders and gently shaking.
Kai began his yearly speech about how sad everyone was going to be when he was gone, and I took the opportunity to attempt an escape to my bed. Before I could get my hand to the knob, Kai sprinted in front of me and pushed me away from the door.
"Hey, hey, hey!" Kai said quickly, putting his hands on my chest as he settled between me and the door. "Let's give that another second there, partner." He lowered his voice as he leaned in, "Pope's still in there… and I think she needs a sec after—"
"I'm outta here," Ann scoffed before I could react with my own disgust. "You boys have fun."
Kai watched her disappear into the stairwell before promptly turning back to me. "Plus, honestly, we should probably let the room air out before you go back in there."
"Stop." I almost gagged. "You're fucking gross, dude." I wasn't even sure why Kai said half the shit he did.
"Since when are you the only one allowed to fuck in the room?" Kai sassed back, making me wish I wouldn't have said anything at all.
I couldn't think of a good comeback. "Shouldn't you be at work?"
"Shouldn't you?"
"Surprise day off," I lied. "Was gonna go take a nap, but… guess not anymore."
"Well, that's perfect!" It was the opposite of perfect. "You can come help me and Popuri do inventory for Beach Day 2." He shrugged nonchalantly. "The room should probably be aired out by the time we're done."
I didn't have it in me to fight with him about whatever shit he was blabbing about. It was just easier to give in.
"Beach Day 2?" I asked, not particularly interested in the answer.
"Is that not a good name?"
"The fuck are you goin' on about?"
"What are you going on about?" Kai cocked an eyebrow at me, seemingly offended that I had no idea what he was talking about. "Last day of the season? The Snack Shack's last call?" He stopped and placed a hand on my shoulder as he spoke with double the enthusiasm, "Oooh, actually, we should call it that, don't cha think? I told Popuri we should go with Kaipalooza again, but she said that makes it sound like the whole thing is about me."
How could I forget Kaipalooza? Kai had only started calling it that last year, but we'd been using his last day of the season as an excuse to get wasted since he first opened the Snack Shack. It was always framed as a ploy to sell off the last of the shack's stock, but it was ultimately just Kai's yearly send-off party. I guess I was able to forget about it since I was usually shitfaced the whole time.
"Well… it is all about you, isn't it?" I asked with a slight smirk.
"Ha, yeah," Kai laughed to himself before meeting me with raised brows. "So that means you'll help? I'm not above bribing you with booze."
That was painfully obvious. "Yeah, think I'm good for tonight." When I was met with a confused stare, I continued, "Just wanna give my liver a break before… Kaipa... Whatever you're callin' your dumb shit this year."
"Oh, okay," Kai responded mischievously. "I might have something else to entice you then."
That was enough to pique my interest. "Do you now?"
"Yeah, I... may or may not have a spliff or two on me," Kai said slyly, raising his eyebrows at me. "I was about to go smoke one anyway if you wanna come."
"Oh." Nicotine and weed sounded like a good enough distraction to me. At least it wasn't liquor. "Yeah, okay."
"Ugh, you're always down. I'm gonna miss having you around, Gray," Kai sighed as he put his arm around my shoulders, ushering me down the stairs and outside.
I didn't really want to admit it, but I was going to miss having him around too.
Kai walked me to the back of the inn, finding a spot on an empty wooden crate by the back door. I followed his lead, setting shop on the one directly beside him. He reached into his pocket, pulling out a brightly decorated tin stuffed with white rolls and a purple lighter.
With one of the spliffs between his fingers, he brought it up to his lips and lit the end.
"That sure looks like more than one or two," I said with a chuckle.
He took a few short puffs before passing it my way. "I said I may or may not have one or two."
I accepted the spliff with a snort. As I inhaled, I was rewarded with a warm headrush and… I licked my lips... dry fucking weed and tobacco.
"I see you still don't roll with filters," I said as I let out the smoke and passed it back to Kai.
An amused smile spread across his face. "Sorry, city boy, not all of us are accustomed to the finer things in life."
I was silent as Kai took a few rips, already starting to feel a slight relief and buzzing throughout my head.
"So… you doing any better?" Kai asked as he passed back the stick.
I brought it up to my lips and took a long drag. "I am now."
"Good shit, that's what I like to hear," Kai chuckled, taking the paper from my hand. He looked off into the distance as he took a long drag. "Just trying my best to make sure you continue in that direction, even after I'm gone."
I couldn't help but laugh at how serious he looked, though it really wasn't that funny. "Are you now?"
"Well, yeah," Kai said before passing the spliff my way. "I want to make sure you have something to do when I'm not here." His subtle wink in my direction didn't go unnoticed as I took another hit. "I invited your girls from the valley to Kaipalooza."
"My girls from the... valley?" I repeated slowly, holding the smoking paper in front of my mouth. "I... don't even know what that means."
Kai snatched it out of my hands and brought it to his lips. "Yeah, cuz you're high," he joked before inhaling. "Muffy and Jill? You don't remember them?"
"Oh. Yeah." I thought back to Kai's party… It felt like many years and bad decisions ago. "I remember. Barely."
"Yeah, I know, buddy," Kai laughed, elbowing me in the rib before handing me what remained of the spliff. "I just figured since you and Claire fizzled out, you might want something else, or I guess I should say," he paused for dramatic effect, "someone else to keep you busy."
I rolled my eyes as I inhaled the smoke. That was the last thing I needed, anybody else getting in the way of making things right with Claire.
"What?" Kai moaned, throwing up his hands. "I'm just trying to look out for you."
And oh how I wish he wouldn't sometimes.
I let out a sigh and handed the roach back to Kai. "Did you invite Claire?"
"Yeah, no shit." He gave the spliff's remains one last drag before putting it out on the crate below him.
"What do you mean no shit?"
"You think I'm going to miss seeing that one last time? Yeah, right," he scoffed, shaking his head. "Just because you're all bent out of shape about her doesn't mean I can't enjoy myself."
"You're such a fuckin' piece sometimes, know that?" Part of me wanted to tell him the truth about everything… but it didn't feel right. Not yet, at least. I couldn't risk Kai having that information during a party.
"Calm down, don't get your coveralls in a twist," Kai teased, pinching the fabric on my shoulders as he stood from his spot. "She didn't seem too interested in coming, unfortunately."
"Oh." I couldn't convince my legs to cooperate just yet. "She didn't?"
Kai narrowed his eyes at me. "I mean no, but…" he trailed off, examining me for a few moments until his jaw fell, releasing a single airy laugh. A smirk quickly took its place. "Oh no, I've seen that look before. Somebody's smitten."
I hated how he said that word. "We're not doing this right now."
"Well, that kinda changes my whole plan," Kai complained, ignoring my protest, "but I guess I'll just have to work harder to make it happen."
All I could do was shake my head. The guy was talking complete nonsense.
"Alright, come on, lover boy, let's go find Pope and get to work." He kicked at my boot as he stood in front of me. "That should get your mind off things."
I had to catch myself as I stood up, adjusting to my heavy limbs and the cloud forming in my brain.
"Plus," Kai started as he walked towards the front of the inn, shaking the colorful tin before shoving it back in his pocket, "there's more in it for you if you fix your face."
I took a few steps after him, trying to hide how shaky they felt. "Whatever."
Did I want to help? Not really. But I figured I'd ride out the high until I could find something better to distract me.
((Oof. Sorry if you thought you were getting a Graire reconciliation but unfortunately it wasn't in the cards for those two. At least not yet. I had a lot of fun writing Cliff's lightbulb moment... even if the conversation ended a little sour towards the end (In my head I kind of imagine those lightbulb moments from Ouran Host Club if anyone's seen that lol). Cliff do be spitting straight facts though. Ann's not the only one dishing out tough love today. She really is the true mvp of this story though
Tbh I'm going to miss writing Kai, so like next chapter is basically my last hurrah to have a little fun with the guy hehe. Plus him and Karen together? Ugh. I'm excited for myself lol. I'm already anticipating the next one to be a long one, possibly even a two-parter? We shall see hehe.
If anyone is wondering about the ~casual drug use~ usually a spliff is like half weed/tobacco but like I know sometimes it's also just only weed. And a filter is just like, the little piece of paper you roll up and put in said joint/spliff/etc. to use as like.. a mouth piece to prevent yourself from inhaling the contents. Idk if anyone was actually wondering any of this but I figured I'd explain just in case lol. Idk I just kind of imagine Gray being a little bit of a snob about that kind of stuff given his past ;)
One of the major song influences for this chap was Dramamine by Modest Mouse. Dramamine is a motion sickness medication, but when taken in large amounts it creates this like, tired, dizzy, brain fog effect-which I thought very much fit how Gray was feeling. Plus the melancholic guitar riff paired with edgier vocals, it very much has the vibe I was trying to achieve.
Anywho a big thanks to my fantastic beta-reader rageaphobia, you are the bee's knees! Also thanks to any fellow humans reading, I hope you enjoy the fun to come :-) ))
