Chills ran up my spine as a draft brushed against wet, newly exposed skin. I couldn't remember the last time the air in my room made my hair so painfully stand on its end. Searching for solace, I took a step forward into the dark. Cold, rough hands stopped me, and nails gently traced up my bare chest and wrapped behind my neck.

"You can have it… if you want it," was all that silvery voice breathed into my ear.

I wanted to be closer to that sound, the promise of warm comfort. And finally, I felt it in my grasp. Hot breath and soft, salty lips against mine were all I felt, all I wanted to feel for as long as I could think. I wasn't sure if I'd been standing or just floating, but the fingers digging into my shoulders pushed me down onto my back, and I willingly molded to the touch. Wisps of hair brushing my skin and dark blue eyes were the last things I saw before her face returned to mine.

When the grip on my shoulders shook, I opened to brightly lit brown eyes. It was a stark contrast to where I'd left off last time my eyes had been open. Before I had a chance to rationalize the change, then came the dull pain ringing in my head, the soreness in my jaw, the stiffness in my neck—all my favorite reminders of my return to reality. I rubbed my eyes, hoping Kai's wide grin hovering above me was also a dream.

"Good morning, Dad!" he sang, indicating no such luck. His unwavering enthusiasm immediately made me flop face-first on my pillow. Today was real, and I desperately wanted to go back to sleep.

I'd grown to hate the first day of fall. It didn't matter how angry Kai had made me that past summer; I always dreaded the day he left. The reality of it never hit me until the morning of his departure—even though he'd made a point to remind me and the rest of the town every single day that week. Truthfully, I wasn't sure if anything could prepare me for saying goodbye to one of my only friends for a year.

A much-needed night of uninterrupted sleep wasn't a bad place to start, though. As weirdly sexual as it may have been.

Despite wandering back to the inn and sneaking into bed in the wee hours of the night, I felt surprisingly rested. But on second thought, it didn't seem all that surprising considering it was the first night I'd actually slept without a nightmare in weeks. If anything, it'd been the opposite of a nightmare. And based on the light that flooded through the windows, I'd slept in pretty late for me—maybe 9 or 10. I'd forgotten what it felt like to not be exhausted and how satisfying sleep actually felt.

"Alright, sorry to interrupt the beauty sleep," Kai joked in a chipper tone that only meant he'd been up for hours. "But c'mon, we got work to do."

I reluctantly threw my covers off with a huff and headed for the bathroom. "Gimme a sec."

"Oh, wait." Kai took a deep breath and closed his eyes in preparation for whatever the hell was coming next. "So… uh, how ya feeling this morning?"

The question itself was out of the ordinary for Kai, but the way he asked it made it even more unusual. Concern wasn't exactly a tone I was used to Kai using.

"Uh… fine?" I looked around as if my surroundings would give me any clue why he was acting so weird. "What do you mean?"

"Just… Pope said that I should check in with you after last night," Kai continued uncomfortably, shoving both hands in his pockets. "Especially after some of the things you were saying…."

"Oh." I didn't even want to think about the clusterfuck I'd unloaded on Popuri and Kai... but mainly Popuri. I could count the number of extended conversations she and I had on one hand; I felt awful and honestly embarrassed that one of those was me flooding her with years worth of incoherent emotional turmoil. "I'm fine. Just… tell Popuri thanks again for me."

"She's really something, isn't she?" Kai gushed, the smile returning to his face. "I wish I could just bring her with me this year, but…" he shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Anyway, you can tell her yourself. She's meeting us down at the beach later. We just gotta go grab Cliff, and we'll get to moving the shit."

"Cliff?" The name was just a reminder of everything that had happened last night. A reminder of everything that I'd fucked up.

"Yeah. He was downstairs with Ann when I came home earlier," Kai answered absentmindedly. He hopped over the pile of bags littering the ground to get to the other side of my bed and started rifling through his side-table. "Told him I'd pay him if he helped bring my bags to the beach."

I narrowed my eyes. "The fuck? You're not payin' me."

"I paid you the first year," he replied with a shrug, not bothering to look at me. "But now that we're best friends, you do it out of the kindness of your heart."

"I do?"

Kai turned back to me with a plastered smile. "Yeah. You do."

"Okay… " I shook my head and turned away. After everything Popuri and— I guess by extension—Kai had done for me last night, carrying some bags was the least I could do in return. "Whatever, lemme shower and sort my shit out, and then we can get goin'."

"Fine, I'll go grab Cliff then." He walked towards the door, stopping when it was halfway open to call back to me, "Make it snappy, though. We have an agenda to adhere to today. Two hours 'til the ferry."

"Great."

I was probably the last person Cliff wanted to see right now, but it was for Kai's sake. I knew Cliff could suck it up long enough to be around me, but I wasn't sure how I would hide how fucking ashamed I was after last night. I was painstakingly aware of how badly I needed to apologize to him, but actually approaching the conversation seemed next to impossible. I couldn't imagine a situation where Cliff would actually accept my apology, let alone forgive me. If anything, he probably hated me. I mean, I'd hate me too after all the shit I'd put him through.

As if I don't already…

When the bedroom door shut, I took off to the bathroom to get ready. After Kai's brief mention of our roommate, the only thing I could think about during my shower was him and all the other people I owed apologies to. The list seemed to go on for pages, and even then, I had no clue what the fuck I'd even say to any of them.

Half of the people on my mind, probably, even more, hated me by now too. What could I possibly say to make things right? Popuri had made it sound so simple last night... but it probably just sounded easier because I'd been drinking all day. Maybe I did need to make a list…

Pounding at the door and an impatient rattle of the locked handle pulled me out of my thoughts. The idea of facing whatever fresh hell was on the other side of that door had my stomach sinking into the fucking drain. I reluctantly pulled myself out of the shower but didn't realize how shaky my hands were until I had to fight to keep a grip on my toothbrush and my nerves. There was no way I would try and shave in that state, but I also didn't care about what I looked like anymore. So after my bare minimum prep work, I was making my way out there anyway.

"Yeah, just take those two and leave that one for Gray," I heard Kai say as I opened the door.

"Okay. Anything else?" Cliff replied, two small bags in hand and one giant duffle bag sitting by his feet in the middle of the room.

"No... I don't think so," Kai said mindlessly, searching for any missing items in every corner of the room he barely slept in. "Just let me do one last sweep."

When Kai turned back to the front of the room, he noticed me and nodded towards Cliff's feet. "You're on big-ass bag duty, buddy."

The instant Cliff looked over to me, panic bubbled up to my throat. "Gray."

"Hey." At first, I was scared I wouldn't be able to get anything to come out of my mouth. Then I just hated how nervous I sounded.

Kai glanced between us curiously. "What's with you two?"

Cliff and I locked eyes for a brief moment before he turned back to Kai. "Nothing. You have everything?"

Kai blinked a few times and then crouched down to scour the area between his and my beds. I was walking over to my designated big-ass bag when something Kai called caught my attention.

"This has gotta be yours, right?" he asked, holding up a painfully familiar blue and yellow speckled rock as he crouched between our beds.

I abandoned the bag and shot over my bed to snatch the stone from him before I had a chance to think about what I was doing or the person that'd given it to me. "Uh, yeah. Must've fallen out of my pocket." I hurried over to my bedside and threw the rock in the first drawer before turning back.

"You and your fucking rocks," Kai laughed, shaking his head. He stood up from his spot and walked to the other side of his bed to give it one last look. I wasn't sure if Kai could have any more shit lying around our room, but he seemed convinced of it.

After a few excruciating minutes of watching Kai poke around, he turned back to us with hands on his hips. "Okay, boys. Let's hit the road."

When Kai and Cliff headed for the door, the reality of going downstairs sunk in. Cliff clearly wasn't thrilled to see me; I didn't even want to think about how Ann would react to my presence this morning. She said we'd talk more today, though I couldn't imagine anything other than disappointment coming from that conversation. Still, I knew I needed to make it right with her and everybody else… even if I wasn't entirely sure how to do that.

"You coming or what?" Kai asked from the doorway, holding it open for me. "I know you want me to stay, but…."

I threw the strap to Kai's ridiculously sized duffle bag across my shoulders and followed him and Cliff down the stairs. My roommates chatted about Kai's planned destinations this year as we made our way through the empty dining room, though I was only half-listening, scouring the place for Ann.

"You said Ann was down here earlier?" I asked Kai, not realizing that I'd cut him off mid-conversation with Cliff until after the fact.

Kai stopped and looked over his shoulder, "Yeah, she was down here when I first came home." He looked around as if I hadn't just done the same exact thing. "Wasn't down here when I came back, though. Did you see where she went, Cliff?"

Cliff continued walking in silence for a few moments. "She… um, I don't know where she is now."

"I mean, she'll be here. It's not like she's going anywhere. Me, on the other hand…" Kai grumbled before turning to walk away. "Worry about her when I'm gone."

I was going to worry about her whether Kai was here or not but decided to leave it until he left.

The late morning sun blinded us along the path to the beach. Even though summer was technically over, the weather hadn't caught up and probably wouldn't for another week. With sweaty hands, I lugged the duffle bag filled with who-knows-what to the sounds of Kai's travel plans. Listening to Kai brag about his adventures always made me bitter, so I paid no mind. I didn't know if I should devote my mental energy to deciphering my newest dream or figuring out how to fix my fucking life. Naturally, I went with the more pressing of the two issues: the sex dream.

It had to be Claire. It was undeniably Claire. But the question was whether or not it was a memory or just some fucked up scenario my imagination had pieced together. The minute I'd woken up, all I'd wanted to do was go back to that dream, but now it just seemed wrong. The timing couldn't be worse. I definitely wasn't supposed to be fantasizing about somebody that wanted nothing to do with me. Especially somebody that'd made it clear that she didn't want to have sex with me again. Fuck, I didn't even know if I actually wanted to sleep with her again, but evidently, my brain was working on its own accord.

"Right, Gray?" Kai turned his head as we walked down the steps from Rose Square, waiting for my reply to whatever I'd missed him saying.

"Huh?" I looked up to him standing in front of the glimmering shoreline. The sight had me wondering how something so beautiful could simultaneously seem so unappealing.

Kai let out a groan. "Of course you weren't listening." He turned back to Cliff and nudged him with his elbow as they walked through the sand. "See what I mean?"

My gut instinct was to get defensive about whatever the hell that comment was supposed to mean. But at this point, I didn't want to do or say anything that would make things between Kai and me—or really anyone in my life—more difficult. I kept my mouth shut and followed to the dock, listening to Kai as he directed us to arrange his bags in an oddly specific order.

The second the bag left my hands, the sinking returned to my chest. I remembered being in the same place last year and the year before that, dreading the second Kai stepped onto that boat. Because when he left, it was back to being alone in that room for the rest of the year. At least, before Cliff came, and now he wanted to leave too…

Because of me.

"Alright, well, if we're done here, I have a few other things I need to take care of today," Cliff said, moving back to Kai.

"Yep, all squared away." Kai grinned as he trifled through his pocket for his wallet. He wasted no time pulling out what looked like way more gold than carrying a few bags to the beach warranted and shoved it into Cliff's hand before he could protest. "Thanks again for your help."

Cliff opened his mouth, but before he could get anything out, Kai pulled him in by the hand he'd just slipped money into and wrapped his other arm around Cliff's shoulders. I wasn't sure if I'd heard correctly, but I could have sworn that Kai whispered, "I'm counting on you, bud."

"I'll do what I can," Cliff replied softly as he returned the pat on the back and pulled away. He nervously dumped the money in his pocket and turned to leave, inadvertently making eye contact with me again before snapping his head back to Kai. "I hope you have a safe trip."

"Thanks, man. I'll see ya next year!" Kai beamed, waving after our roommate.

Cliff didn't respond as he headed down the dock, this time making a point not to look at me. And who could blame him? I barely wanted to look at myself lately.

The wooden planks creaked under Cliff as he passed me, each step only flooring my pulse. I had to say something. I didn't know what, but something. Fucking anything.

But for some reason, "Hey," seemed to be the only fucking thing I was ever capable of saying to him.

Surprisingly enough, Cliff stopped and looked over his shoulder. "Yeah?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat to make room for the words that didn't want to come. Apologizing right then and there didn't seem right… but fuck, I needed to do something. One of my only friends was leaving; I couldn't risk losing another if I could help it.

"Later," I choked out, realizing it didn't make any fucking sense on its own. "Can we...uh, talk? If you're around."

His stoic expression stared back at me for a few excruciatingly long moments before turning around. "Yeah. I'll see you tonight."

Somehow that response was able to make me feel hopeful and terrified at the same time.

I turned back to Kai, who just raised an eyebrow at me. He waited until Cliff was walking through the sand to ask, "So... are you planning on telling me what's up with the weird energy between you two or what?"

"We got into it last night," I admitted, looking down at the water. "It was my fault… so I've been needin' to apologize."

He nodded understandingly as he hummed, "Mmm, I get it. One of your people you were freaking out about last night." Kai continued through my silence, knowing that was enough of an answer from me, "On the bright side, you haven't brought up Claire once today!"

I'd only been awake for an hour. And just because I hadn't brought up Claire out loud didn't mean I hadn't been trying to fight thinking about her the entire time.

I rolled my eyes at such a stupid comment. "Whatever."

"Even if she's pregnant," Kai sighed, "you have to promise me you're not gonna let her drag you back down when I leave."

"She's not draggin' me anywhere,'' I groaned. "We… just need to figure our shit out." Kai didn't even try to hide his distaste for my response with the world's most dramatic eye roll. "What?"

"I can't believe you're still this bent out of shape over her." He shook his head and looked away to the beach. "Well, actually, I guess I know why… but you don't want to listen to that."

Was he actually trying to start shit with me right before he left? You could say what you wanted about Kai, but the guy did have some fucking nerve. "I don't? Try me."

"You wanna know the truth?" Kai took a step forward with that menacing fucking smirk, and I knew he was about to say some bullshit before it even left his mouth. "I don't even think you like her that much. I think you just want to get laid again."

"I… what the fuck?" I had to rub my eyes before looking at Kai again. There was no denying that I'd been thinking about it, but the situation was way too complicated to even consider that as an option, let alone a goal. Plus, there'd been times I'd genuinely enjoyed being in Claire's company. And other times where her company made me want to combust into flames. "You have no idea what you're talkin' about."

Kai dramatically huffed as he looked to the horizon. "I know that's not what you think you're doing. You may say that you don't remember anything, but... it seems like there's a little… muscle memory, if you know what I mean," he suggested, nodding his head at me. "And I mean, Claire seems to be taking full advantage of that…."

I couldn't fight the way my lip turned up. "What's your issue with Claire all of a sudden?" At least my problems with her were warranted. Kai went from trying to fuck her to shit-talking her overnight with little to no explanation.

"Besides the fact that she thinks she can walk all over you because she's hot and pregnant?"

"There's more than that?" I deadpanned.

"I don't know if you want the answer to that, buddy," Kai scoffed as he crossed his arms.

His attitude was well beyond the point of getting on my nerves. "No. I do."

"Fine. But don't get mad at me if you don't like the answer." He shoved his hands in his pockets and kicked at a raised board on the dock. "Claire's fine and all. I see why people like her. But… I don't know. Sometimes she's a little too similar to me for my own liking."

"What the fuck?" I took a step back at the statement, and honestly, almost fucking laughed. "You two aren't alike at all."

"Yeah, we're definitely different, but… she's a fucking flirt, dude. Trust me, takes one to know one." I didn't have to take his word for it; I was well aware of that quality in Claire. It'd never bothered me much before, and if anything, I'd enjoyed it. But now that Kai was mentioning it, I couldn't get the implications out of my head. "And she just preys on you sometimes. It drives me nuts."

"Preys?" I asked incredulously, huffing the comment away. "She's not a spider…."

"And are you even sure the kid is yours?" Kai asked without missing a beat. The minute it left his mouth, I couldn't believe he'd actually asked the question.

I had to take a deep breath to suppress all urges to kick him into the water. "Yeah, asshole. That was the first thing I asked."

"And you believe her?" he returned with disbelief. "You're not going to get a paternity test or—"

"Stop." That worry had kept me up more nights than I wanted to count. I'd already chosen to trust Claire; I didn't need anyone else giving me any reason to entertain such a rancid idea. "Don't talk about shit you have no fuckin' business talkin' about."

He stared at me for a few seconds before shaking his head with a wry smile. "Sorry. Right. Guess I shouldn't talk about your baby mama like that."

And somehow, Kai always knew exactly what to say to get under my skin and stay there. "I'm startin' to regret tellin' you the truth," I grumbled, moving my fingers to my temples.

"So can I call you Daddy now?" Kai snickered. "Or is that reserved for Claire only?"

I closed my eyes and exhaled in an attempt to relieve the pressure building in my chest. "Now I'm really startin' to regret it."

"C'mon, Gray," Kai said brightly, placing his hands on either of my shoulders. "You waited until the last fucking minute to drop this bomb on me. I need to get as many jokes out as I can before I leave."

I met his smile with a glare. "Do that, and I'll drop your ass into the ocean."

Kai sighed and looked over my shoulder silently for a few moments. "Alright, looks like you're off the hook." He dropped his hands and patted my arm. "I love and appreciate ya, buddy, but I'm gonna need you to scram so I can properly say goodbye to my woman before we're apart."

I glanced back to the beach's entrance to see Popuri gliding down the stairs. My first instinct was to envy her and Kai, but I couldn't help thinking about the fact that he was leaving her alone for the rest of the year too.

"Yeah," I scoffed. "Like you won't have someone else waitin' for you when you get off the boat."

I expected Kai to have some sort of witty response back. But instead, he looked past me to Popuri as she approached the dock, and I could have sworn the guy was blushing. I didn't even know he was capable of producing flush in his cheeks. "Uh, yeah… no. Things are a little bit different this year."

That was the last thing I'd expected Kai to say. "Oh?"

"Yeah," Kai answered with a chuckle as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Decided to switch things up a little, so uh, we're doing the whole 'exclusive' thing now."

"Oh. Nice. Congrats." I didn't even know Kai had 'exclusive' in his vocabulary; I couldn't help but tease him. "Sure you'll manage till next summer all by yourself?"

"Actually, it's only going to be till spring." Kai must have seen the confusion on my face because he answered my question before I could even get the words out, "After you left last night, Pope and I were talking and… I decided I'm moving some shit around so I can come back, hopefully in early spring."

I inspected him, waiting for some sort of indication that it was all a joke. "You're serious?"

"Well, did you really think I was going to miss seeing you become a dad?" Kai laughed, slapping me on the arm. "Plus, I'll be around to help. I'm great with kids!"

Somehow I doubted that, but I couldn't help but chuckle at his excitement. "Thanks, but you know there's a chance that I won't, right?" It seemed like a longshot now… but there was still a chance.

He shrugged. "And if you don't, I get to see you and Pope a little earlier than usual. We can celebrate your freedom!"

"Sounds like a plan." When Popuri's steps reverberated on the dock, I looked over my shoulder and then back at Kai. "Well, I'll get outta your hair then."

Kai wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me into his chest before I could resist, not that I had it in me to anyway. I huffed and returned the hug, but I didn't want to admit how nice it felt to be held. I couldn't even remember the last time somebody had actually hugged me.

"I'll miss you, buddy," Kai said as he pulled away with a grin.

"Yeah. I'm gonna miss you too," I replied despite the urge to keep the words in my head. "Don't do anything too stupid."

"I'll try," he said with a wink before Popuri passed me and just about tackled him into the water.

"Alright, I'm gonna head out, give you two love birds some space." I turned to leave but caught myself and nervously returned to the couple. "But uh, before I do. I'm… tryin' to say what's on my mind more." My gaze moved to Popuri, who smiled back at me. "So, um, Popuri… thanks again for last night."

"Of course! I'm always happy to help," she replied, snuggled tightly under Kai's arm. It didn't feel like I deserved the help, but I was sure neither of them wanted to hear me lament about my unworthiness for the second day in a row.

"Oh shit, one last thing." Kai reached into his pocket to recover his famed colorful tin container and shoved it in my hand. "For you."

I opened the tin, filled with a small fraction of the poorly rolled joints I'd seen a week ago, a key, and a slip of paper with a crudely written sequence of numbers. "The fuck is all this?"

"Key is to the shack so you guys can have the speaker for Karen's birthday. There's no point in bringing it all the way to Karen's if she has her shit at Claire's," Kai answered, waving his finger towards the general directions of the supermarket and Freedom fucking Fields. "The phone number is the inn I'll be staying at in Lulukoko since I know you'll be itching to talk to me here soon," he added with a wink. "Oh, and the joints are just for you. You seem like you'll need them more than me."

"Right." I couldn't fight the smile anymore as I stuck the container in my pocket. "Thanks, Kai. I'll see ya soon."

"Back at ya, buddy," Kai called after me as I left the dock.

I fought the urge to turn and look back at him one more time, but the loneliness had already started creeping in—I didn't need to remind myself of his absence anymore. My feet unconsciously slowed when I passed the burnt-out fire pit from last night, and all my regrets from the day before flashed in my mind like the world's saddest blooper reel. The ashes littered around the circle were just a glaring reminder that I needed to do something before I lost everyone and was actually alone.

I knew exactly who I needed to go see.

When I ended up back at the inn, I was surprised to see Doug at the counter prepping—something I usually saw Ann doing. A wide grin spread across his face as I walked through the empty dining room to lean on the counter, and he promptly stopped to greet me.

"Gray! Good to see ya," Doug said warmly. "How are you on this fine day?" Doug was always cheery, but I couldn't help wondering if his mood had to do with a certain someone leaving his inn for the rest of the year.

"Not too bad," I answered with a shrug. "Just dropped Kai off at the beach."

"Ah, yeah, was that today?" he asked as if the men in town hadn't been counting down the days.

"Yeah," I replied, biting back a chuckle as I nodded. "Is Ann around?"

Doug's smile slowly faded, and creases lined his forehead. "She's actually in her room right now. Said she wasn't feeling well this morning, wanted to sleep it off before dinner shift."

"Oh." That didn't sound like Ann at all. Especially since she'd apparently been out and about already. I knew she wasn't hunkered down in her room, hungover after one fucking cup of wine. So was it because of me?

"But I made some stew for her," Doug added as he looked back to the kitchen doors. "I was about to go drop it off, but maybe you want to? It'd be a big help to me. Lots to do out here."

That sounded like an in to me if there ever was one. Maybe Ann didn't want to see me, but I was sure as hell going to try. "Uh, yeah. I can do that."

Doug led me back through the kitchen doors, a place I'd only been a handful of times. The air was rich with different savory and sweet aromas, but the smells of soy, fish, and fresh vegetables were thick like a haze. He walked around the prep area in the middle of the industrial kitchen and removed the lid to a large pot bubbling on the stove. After a few stirs to the steaming liquid, Doug turned back to me and nodded his head at a rack of dishes against the wall.

"Mind grabbing me a soup bowl?" I grabbed the first bowl I could find, which only prompted Doug to call back, "No, that's a salad bowl. A soup bowl, son." All the bowls sitting on that rack looked identical to me, but I grabbed the only other bowl I could and returned without correction from Doug.

After scooping a healthy helping into the bowl and prepping it with a side of crackers, Doug presented the final product to me, proud as always. He motioned towards the door in the corner of the kitchen and gave my back a gentle pat.

"Thanks, Gray. I really appreciate it," he said as he headed back out to the dining room.

I underestimated how hard it would be to carry a full bowl with the world's shakiest, clammiest hands. I didn't even realize how much harder it would be to knock on Ann's door, let alone muster up the courage to do so. Terrified of spilling all over me, I kicked the door as lightly as I could, trying to emulate a knock.

"I'll be out in a little, Dad," Ann's muffled voice called from the other side of the door.

"It's, uh, not Doug," I replied, leaning closer.

Silence was the only response she gave me. A silence lasting so painfully long that I could hear my heartbeat pounding in my head.

She had to know it was me. So did she just want me to leave? Was I supposed to come in? I already felt anxious about trying to make things right with her, but trying to do that with somebody that wanted nothing to do with me was even more daunting.

The door swung open to reveal Ann with damp, unbraided hair draped across her shoulders, clad in a blue t-shirt and sweat-shorts. She didn't look sick, just tired and… down. It was enough to make me wonder why she was actually hiding out in her room.

"What are you doing here?" she asked plainly.

I racked my brain trying to think of what to say, panicked, and held up the bowl. "Soup—I mean stew." When she tilted her head in confusion, I tried again, "From Doug. Said you weren't feelin' well."

She wrestled between a smile and a frown as she looked me up and down. "You look… so ridiculous right now." She eventually sighed and stepped out of the doorway. "Fine. Come in."

Ann's room wasn't somewhere I visited often. I think she spent more time in the dining room than anywhere else, or at least, that's where I saw her most often. But it looked the same as I remembered it, fresh, spotless, organized—everything my space never was. I gently set the bowl down on the table off to the side, being extra careful not to fuck up literally the cleanest room I'd ever been in.

As Ann took a seat at the table, I let out a heavy exhale and slowly pulled out the chair next to her. "I also… thought we could talk."

She didn't even look at me to answer curtly, "Gray, I don't want to help you with Claire anymore." And fuck, I didn't blame her.

"That's not what I wanna talk about. Well kinda. But not like that. One of many things." I shook my head in an attempt to rattle off something that actually made sense, finally forcing out, "I want to apologize."

"Oh." Her head tilted towards me, and she cocked an eyebrow. "Um. You do?"

Popuri's advice flashed like a neon sign in my head. I couldn't hold everything in anymore, not if I wanted to get better. "I feel so… guilty about yesterday. The entire time I was drinkin', I felt guilty, like I was lettin' you down."

"I mean… it was a bit of a let down when you said you'd cool it and then decided to gun it instead," Ann said, grabbing the spoon and aimlessly meandering it through the stew. Something had to be wrong; Ann never played with her food.

I swallowed and looked to the floor as I pushed out the words, "And I'm just... I'm sorry that I keep doin' that. I'm sorry for talkin' to you like that and gettin' mad and shit about Claire. I never meant to wrap you up in our bullshit. I was so... fuckin' stupid, and I feel awful. All I wanna do is make it up to you."

She looked up from the bowl with a frown. "I appreciate the apology, but I wasn't saying any of that to make you feel bad. I just care about you, Gray. And it hurts seeing you not care about yourself."

It was hard to care about yourself when you'd spent so much time believing nobody gave a fuck about you. And even then, the only people that ever seemed to care about me always left. Ann had never given me a reason to think she would…

But why would anybody purposely choose to care about someone like me? Why would anyone stay if they had the choice to leave?

"I know." I closed my eyes and pressed against my temples, trying to silence the doubts. It felt like I was battling against my own instinct to keep the words in my head. "I know that now, and… I just don't know what to do. People carin' is... scary. I'm terrified for the moment when I'm gonna fuck up big, and… you'll kick me to the curb."

The spoon Ann held clattered to the table as she leaned toward me with wide eyes. "You know that Dad and I would never do that to you, right?"

Most of me wanted to be convinced, but I couldn't help the nagging voice in the back of my head saying otherwise.

Mom said she'd always be there too. Until she wasn't.

Ann's hand lightly gripped my arm when I didn't respond. "We both care about you more than you know. But… we can't be the only ones, Gray. You have to care about yourself too! Drowning yourself in alcohol can't be the only way you deal with your problems anymore."

"I know." I closed my eyes and reached up for my hat. "It's hard…but I'm trying. I want to try."

"You might be somebody's dad," she said firmly. "And I can't stop thinking about it. Is that the kind of dad you want to be?" That question was a heavy dose of reality if there ever was one. "And even if you're not, is that the kind of person you want to be?"

I knew I didn't want to be that kind of person, that kind of parent, but it took a second to get the words out. "No… I don't wanna be like that at all." If anything, I'd promised to be nothing like that... and currently, was failing miserably. "I just… I don't know how to stop."

"Well, we need to figure something out. Because if you don't get a handle on it now… what's it going to be like when things get harder?" She was painfully right; caring for another person's life when I could barely take care of myself sounded much harder.

"I know. I need to stop… It's just hard," I admitted, resting my elbows on the table and placing my head in my hands. "Sometimes drinkin' is too easy."

"Then we make it harder!" she cried as she slapped her hand on the table. "Like, we need to figure this out. I'm… I think maybe I don't serve you alcohol anymore? Or you get one beer per day max? I don't know, I just, I'm not gonna enable you anymore. I've done it for too long."

One part of me hated the idea of cutting myself off. The other knew it needed to be done. "Yeah… I… I guess that would be a good place to start."

Ann turned back to her food, staring intensely into the bowl. "Which means we'll have to tell Dad too… I mean, we don't have to say anything about the whole pregnancy thing, but… you know, if Claire is, eventually…."

"Yeah. I know." Ann was right. But for some reason, Doug knowing the truth about my habits and the pregnancy terrified me. I couldn't explain it. I just didn't want him to be another person that I was disappointing. But I knew not saying anything would just disappoint him more in the long run.

"I think it'll be easier with Kai gone too." There was a lot of truth in that statement, but it hurt to hear.

"Me too." I appreciated Ann trying to help me despite yesterday. It felt like we were fine… but I still felt awful about everything I'd put her through. Once again, it felt like I didn't deserve her help. "Ann… really, I'm sorry for makin' you worry about me."

"You're not making me do anything," she sighed. "I'd be worried about you anyway, just like I worry about everyone else. I can't help it sometimes." Ann had said similar things to me before, but she didn't sound too happy about it this time around.

I hated seeing her so low, but I wasn't too sure how to bring it up. "I, uh… wasn't gonna say somethin' but… you don't look all that sick. You okay?"

Ann seemed to think about it for a few moments, then just shook her head as she took a bite and swallowed. "I'm fine. Just tired."

I'd seen Ann with boundless energy at five in the morning; there was no way she was actually tired. I also couldn't help but notice how sluggishly she ate. Usually, Ann would have demolished that entire bowl already, and she hadn't even made a dent in it. Something was up, whether she wanted to admit it or not.

"You listen to my bullshit all the time," I tried again. "The least I can do is listen too?"

"There's nothing to talk about," she muttered before slurping another spoonful.

Clearly, unwillingness to talk about personal problems ran in the family. Ann's reluctance frustrated me more than it probably should have. Was that what people felt like talking to me?

I rolled my eyes. "Sure seems like there is."

No reply, just the slurping of stew.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked after a minute passed with no response other than the sounds of Ann eating.

She set the bowl down with a groan. "No. I'm just… stressed and exhausted. Between worrying about you and Claire, Karen, and now Cliff, I just needed the morning to… clear my head? I don't know. I wanted to be alone for a little."

"Again… I'm really sorry for gettin' you wrapped up with Claire and me," I replied, running a hand through the hair underneath my hat. "I can't imagine it's been uh, easy on your friendship."

"It's…. honestly, it sucks." She dropped the spoon in the bowl and leaned back in her chair. "I really like Claire! She's fun and actually likes to do things that aren't drinking and gossiping. And I was excited to make a new friend!" She shook her head and continued, "But this whole thing is bringing out a… not very nice side of her."

Of course, Ann would put it as politely as possible. I could think of a million other worse adjectives I would have used to describe Claire's behavior lately.

"That… does sound like it sucks," I sighed. "If the situation was reversed, I'd be pissed too. I'm sorry."

"How empathetic of you," Ann surprisingly chuckled. "But you don't have to keep saying sorry. I get it. And it's not all your fault. Claire apologized for it too… it just doesn't change that it sucks."

"Is that the only thing that sucks for you right now?" I asked, which apparently was not the best way to show that I was trying to be supportive. I wanted to show her I could listen too, but the attempt didn't land.

Ann narrowed her eyes in confusion. "What… what are you asking me right now?"

"You just—I, fuck." I had to cut to the chase; I couldn't look at the blank, unfamiliar expression she was sporting anymore. "You look sad. And if you're not mad at me anymore… that means there's something else, right?"

"Why does there have to be something else?" she sassed back. "I just… don't feel good. That's it."

"You don't sound all that convincing," I pointed out, tilting my head down at her. "Or all that tired."

Ann's only immediate reply was the clinking of her spoon against the bowl. I almost interrupted the excruciating sound, but she finally cleared her throat and spoke up.

"It's stupid," was all she gave me to go off of.

"Okay?"

She shook her head and forced a laugh. "On second thought, you know what, forget—"

"Ann. Just tell me."

After a few moments of pressing her lips tightly together, she relaxed the expression with a long sigh. "This morning… Cliff told me that he just wants to be friends. That he doesn't… like me like that and didn't want to lead me on any more than he already had."

Shit. So was that my fault too?

"And I totally get it! I mean, he's still trying to figure stuff out here, trying to figure stuff out with himself." Her voice was higher, even less convincing than it had been earlier as she rambled. "I mean, it makes sense that he's not trying to get into a relationship right now. And he's living here, which just makes things weird, and I totally understand that too! It's… it just…."

"It hurts. I'm sure," I finished the thought for her.

"I… I'm fine. Like I said. I get it." She returned to the stew, taking the least Ann-sized spoonful I'd ever seen. "I think it was… silly to think that things would work out between us anyway. I mean, we're good friends, he lives here, I work here… I can see how it's weird for him."

"I feel like… it's okay to be sad things didn't work out." I tried to think back to what Ann had told me about Claire the night before. "How you feel matters, right? Or some shit like that."

Ann leaned her head back to let out a laugh, and I wasn't going to even try fighting a smile.

"You really just know how to take my words and…. elevate them, don't you?" she joked, giving my arm a playful punch.

"I do what I can," I answered with a shrug.

Ann's smile slowly settled back into her original expression. "But… how Cliff feels matters too. And I respect that. And… I want to be his friend still, obviously." She let out a heavy exhale. "I just need some time to get over the whole thing, I think."

"I think I know the feeling."

"Well… you and Claire, you're thing is a little bit different."

"Yeah…" Part of me had Mary in mind as well, but I didn't want to make it about me any more than I already had.

"Thanks for listening," Ann said with a smile. She scooted her chair closer and leaned her head against my arm. "I like when you're nice. And when you bring food."

"Yeah." I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and gave a quick squeeze. "I'm tryin'. But that was Doug's idea. I just took advantage of the opportunity."

"Mmm. Right. Speaking of taking advantage of opportunities…" Ann sat up and shot me a surprisingly mischievous grin. "You said all you wanted to do was make it up to me, right?"

I was starting to second guess that offer.

"Uh… yeah…" I mumbled. "Within reason."

And that's how I got stuck doing the dishes for the inn on my day off. It wasn't like I was a stranger to the dish pit; I'd gotten my fair share of dishwashing experience during one of my short-lived restaurant gigs growing up. I definitely didn't miss the work, but it made Ann and Doug happy, and that made me feel the slightest bit better about everything going on. It was a surprisingly nice distraction.

After scarfing down my early dinner, I got to work. I'd been lost in suds for hours, jamming out to Doug's old classic rock CDs before I noticed the deep pruning carved into my fingers. But the end was in sight, so I pushed through the uncomfortable sensation on my skin. With the last soiled dishes placed away in the buzzing dishwasher, I let out a sigh and wiped my hands across the apron Ann had insisted I wear to work.

With the job done, I was eager to get it off and… not enjoy a drink. I just had to ignore every impulse in my brain saying otherwise. Ann had suggested a one-drink limit, but that seemed like a slippery slope. I didn't even want to risk it. Because deep down, I did want to risk it.

Despite wanting to stay downstairs and give in, I knew I needed to leave. Every movement felt like I was fighting against myself, and I wasn't sure how much longer I could do it. I didn't want to bother Ann or Doug during the end of the dinner rush, so I decided to deal with it alone. After clearing up all the excess water from the station, I was headed upstairs to figure out something more productive to occupy my thoughts.

I opened up the flat's door to Cliff sitting on the corner of his bed. His head shot up as the door creaked open, and every single ounce of oxygen in my lungs abandoned ship as we locked eyes. I wasn't sure why I was surprised Cliff would be there; he fucking lived with me, not to mention that I'd asked him to be around so we could talk. I'd just been so wrapped up in my alcohol commiseration that the whole thing slipped my mind.

But it was real now.

"Hey," he greeted me with little emotion in his voice.

"Um. Hi."

I wasn't sure where to go. Sit on my bed? Sit on his? Sit on a chair? Fuck, I was at a loss. Panic overtook my brain, and I went into auto-pilot as I stepped into the room.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" was not what I expected Cliff to say.

"O-oh. Uh. Sure?" My mind was racing, envisioning what a walk entailed. Still, I was partially thankful for an opportunity to get out of the inn.

Cliff pushed up from his spot, and I followed him outside in silence. I had a million things to say, even more to ask, but had no clue how to even start. He seemed to have more direction than me, so I followed his lead.

Balmy evening air refreshed my senses as we made it outside, but my palms were still sweating like we were in the peak of the summer heat. It wasn't until we'd taken a few steps on the streetlamp-lit cobblestones that Cliff interrupted the chirping crickets to speak up.

"Carter… sometimes will suggest going on walks when we need to clear our heads," Cliff said as he slowed to match my steps.

So was that what we were doing?

I shoved my hands into my pockets. "Guess that sounds… useful right about now."

"I figured," he replied without looking from the path.

Cliff continued east towards the beach, and I followed, hoping that he'd say something else I could go off of. When he remained tight-lipped, I took a deep breath to muster up the closest thing to courage.

"Cliff, listen," I finally forced out, stopping before the entrance to the square. "I asked to talk because I wanna apologize to you for yesterday… and for before that too. Really for everything. I've been… a real asshole to you lately."

He stopped beside me and nodded his head as I continued, "Especially the last few times… You were right, everything you said about me drinkin'. I just… I dunno, didn't want to admit it?" I still didn't want to admit it because that meant admitting I was like Jet… but it also seemed like the only way to fix it. "I'm sorry for gettin' so aggressive with you. I'm gonna make sure that never happens again."

My skin felt like it was vibrating with how fast my heart was beating, waiting for Cliff to say something. I expected anger and disappointment, a lecture, or a fight, but was surprised when his response was calm and direct.

"I know that probably wasn't easy for you, and I appreciate you trying to make things right," he said before walking into the square.

"That's it?" I asked incredulously, following after him. "You're gonna forgive me just like that? You're not gonna tell me off?"

He didn't respond until he'd taken a seat on the bench next to the bulletin board. "Gray, as mad as you've made me, I… don't gain anything from taking all that anger out on you." Cliff took a deep breath and looked up from his hands to reply, "Forgiving you is harder, but I"—he really didn't look happy about it but finished the thought anyway—"I know it's the right thing to do."

I stared back at him for a few moments at a loss of what to say. If Cliff had just yelled at me or punched me in the face, I would have known how to respond. Now that he was forgiving me and trying to talk about it… I didn't know the protocol. Sitting on that bench next to him felt like stepping into the unknown, but it also seemed like the only rational option.

"When I was reflecting on everything that happened," Cliff started again, rubbing his hands together in his lap, "I realized that I could have approached the situation with more… care. I didn't mean to get so cryptic. It's just… some of the things you've been doing lately remind me of my mom before she passed, and… I don't want the same thing to happen to you if I can help it."

Cliff's comment from the night before had been playing in the back of my brain non-stop since he'd said it. "Do you really think I've been tryin' to kill myself?"

"Not on purpose or anything, but…" he exhaled and shot me a solemn look, "then Kai told me what you said last night. About wanting to give up."

The skin on my neck started to sting. "I… I was drunk when I said that. And I didn't mean it… like that."

"Well, it worries people when you say things like that, whether you're drunk or not," he insisted, as serious as ever.

I tugged at the brim of my hat. "I didn't even realize… I'm sorry."

"There's no way you would have known." He shook his head and sighed. "I just don't get it."

"Get what?"

"Why do you even feel the need to drink like that in the first place?"

"It's easier than dealin' with shit most of the time,'' I admitted with a shrug. "I dunno." It felt like the world's most lackluster explanation, but it was the truth.

"But… you know what it's like to grow up with… someone like that." Which was information I didn't know Cliff had acquired. "Why would you ever do that to someone else if you can help it?"

"I don't want to do that to someone else," I answered, looking away to the dark square. "Just don't really know any other way to deal."

Cliff looked up to the star-splattered sky thoughtfully before speaking. "So we need to find other ways for you to deal."

"We?" I leaned forward in my seat to get a better look at his face. "Why the fuck would you wanna help me? After all the shit I've done to you?"

"Because… I know what it's like to need help," he answered carefully after a few moments. "And… living with you, the way you've been lately, it's been hard on me and the progress I've made. So... helping you is helping me."

"Fuck. I'm sorry, Cliff. Didn't realize just how inconsiderate I've been… shit," I cursed myself, bringing my hands up to my face. "I get why you wanna leave. I wouldn't wanna live with me either."

"Gray… it's not… I..." Cliff stammered before finally finding the right words. "It's not you. Living with you isn't always easy, especially when you drink like you have been." He raised his brow at me and didn't continue until I was nodding in agreement. "But I don't want to leave. And it's not because of you."

I knew he thought that explanation was helpful, but somehow I was even more confused. "Okay… well, why did you make it sound like you were leavin' soon?"

"Because I have to."

That answer was even more confusing. "You have to? The fuck is that supposed to mean? There's somewhere else you gotta go?"

"No, it's just…" he faltered, shaking his head. "I can't afford to stay. I've tried to make it work, but the weather's about to start cooling for the year, and I still don't have any leads on sustainable work."

"And you've asked everyone?"

"Yes, I've asked around everywhere Gray, what do you think I've been doing?" his exasperated voice snapped back. "It's just… not going to happen. I'm already paid out through the fall, but after that…."

"After that?" I asked, even though I knew the answer.

Cliff turned away towards the blackened beach. "I don't have enough to stay, barely have enough to leave."

There had to be something I could do, something he hadn't thought of that would fix everything. "Have you said anything to anyone else? Doug? Carter? Gramps? Sure any of them would be willing to help if you told them what's up." It felt like I was grasping for straws, trying to come up with ideas. I wasn't even filtering them before they came out, "I mean, shit, I could probably try and cover the rent difference for winter."

"No. You're the only one that knows," Cliff said quietly, still avoiding eye contact. "And I appreciate the offer, but I don't need you to pity me. I did this to myself. I need to get myself out of this."

"So… you're allowed to help me figure my shit out, but I'm not allowed to help you?" That seemed like an unusual stance to take directly after saying that "we" would figure things out together. "Isn't that how friends are supposed to work?"

"Friends help each other," he answered with a surprising sternness. "You covering my rent isn't helping. It's enabling me to stay stagnant."

I wanted to roll my eyes at how stubborn he was being. "Fuck. Okay, fine. I'll help you find somethin', then you can stop the pity party and pay it yourself."

Cliff looked like he was fighting the urge to roll his eyes too. "Gray, I've already asked all around town multiple times—"

"Did you ask around the valley?" I interrupted, still desperate to come up with some kind of solution.

"I stopped through the valley on my way here," he explained with slight annoyance. "I checked there before I even made it here."

"Well, maybe somethin' changed. Plus, I'll talk to Gramps tomorrow. Maybe he's got some ideas."

Cliff didn't seem too convinced by my suggestions. "I already talked to Saibara a few weeks back, and he didn't have anything for me."

"Okay? I'll ask again."

"Gray…"

"No. I'm gonna help you whether you like it or not," I asserted, not realizing how intense it sounded until it had already left my mouth. So I took a deep breath and tried again with a little less force, "I'll stop drinkin' and work on my shit with you as long as you let me help you figure out how to stay. It… gives me somethin' else to think about doin' other than drinkin'." Which felt like the most pathetic thing I'd ever admitted out loud.

He held eye contact with me for a few moments and then dropped his head. "Well… you should do those things whether or not I stay here."

"Okay… but I want you to stay." I thought back to all the times I'd been jealous of how fondly people talked about Cliff and kept going, "And I know I'm not the only one."

"I wouldn't be too sure of that," he mumbled, wringing his hands. "Maybe you and Carter, but even then…."

"Stop. People like you and want you to stay here." And I knew exactly which person was on his mind just by that sad look on his face. "I know you think Ann hates you, but she doesn't. And I'm not gonna stick my nose in your business, but if you told her all that shit just because you're worried about havin' to leave, you should tell her the truth."

Cliff stared at me in silence for what felt like hours. Finally, he closed his eyes and turned back to the square. "Fine, I'll let you help," he huffed, ignoring my previous comment. "But if we haven't found anything by the end of the season—"

"Yeah, yeah, we'll find somethin', so you don't even needa say it."

"But that means we're going to find things to replace drinking," Cliff said with more force behind his voice. "Which means you might have to try new things."

That sounded fucking awful, but it was what was best for both of us, apparently. "Okay, yeah, thought we already established that."

"And if you're going to work through everything, that also means taking accountability for the other people your drinking affected."

"Yep." That point I knew, but it was easily my least favorite part of the whole agreement.

Cliff inspected me as if at any point I would take it all back. Eventually, he took a long, slow inhale. "Alright. I'm not getting my hopes up or anything… but I'll keep trying. Just for a little bit longer."

"That's all I'm askin'," I replied with a newfound sense of relief. "Do you wanna shake on it?"

Cliff tilted his head at me. "Um. I trust your word, but… do you want to shake on it?"

"Or guess there's always a pinky promise," I nervously suggested. "Just started doin' those too."

"...We can just shake on it," Cliff said with a chuckle. He met my hand with a firm shake and then returned it to his lap.

The minute my hand returned to my side, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. "Thanks."

"Yeah," Cliff replied with a hint of a smile. He did a quick scan around the empty square and placed his hands above his knees. "Are you ready to head home?"

I thought back to earlier and how hard it was to just be on the same floor as alcohol without wanting to drink—the thought of being around others while they drank sounded worse. "I think I wanna stay out here for a little longer. Bein' in there earlier was… rough."

"Hmm. I see," he thoughtfully hummed in response.

"But if you're tired, go ahead. I'll just stay here and… look at stars or some shit." I knew absolutely nothing about stars, but it seemed like something safe to occupy my thoughts.

"No, I can stay." Cliff looked up to the sky and then back at me. "Do you know much about constellations?"

"Not shit," I laughed. "But tryin' new things, right?"

"If you want," he started, sitting back against the bench, "I can teach you some of the major ones. They're good to know if you ever get lost in the woods without a compass."

"Not sure when that'll ever happen to me," I joked before settling back onto the bench next to him, "but… yeah. Sure. Why not?"

So I listened to Cliff explain the importance of circumpolar constellations in navigation, whatever that meant. He started with the ones that I'd heard of, like the big and little dippers and the larger constellations they belonged to. When the names and arrangements of stars got increasingly complicated, I tried my best to commit them to memory, but I still wasn't used to the sheer number of stars visible that far out into the boonies. I knew I wasn't actually going to memorize everything, but I was at ease focusing on something other than drinking. And I liked being able to share that with somebody else.

For once in my life, it was finally starting to feel like I had solid support behind me. And as scary as having, and potentially losing, that support seemed, I was eager to start moving forward rather than backward.


((My first instinct is to apologize for this chapter taking SO long to write. But at the same time, I'm trying to remind myself that I'm allowed to take the time I need. So instead I will just thank you for your patience and support :-) I know that if I would have forced writing this faster, I would have just gotten even more frustrated and burnt out. I'm already feeling that way in other areas of my life, I'm not trying to bring that into the ~fic realm~ lol. The whole reason I write this fic is to have an outlet to work through my stuff and to express myself, not to force arbitrary rules or obligations on myself. But things at work are finally starting to slow down, I'm starting to feel like myself again, and I'm just excited to have time to write again. Long story short, I have a lot of story left to tell and I'm not going anywhere until I do hehe.

So naturally after the slew of emotions I went through this past month, I was eager to finally get to a point where I'm writing something a little lighter. So many of you were saying how badly poor Gray needed a hug, and tbh I totally agreed. Gray was in his head a lot in this one, agonizing over how he was going to begin to solve things with people he hurt. I imagine that somebody like Gray isn't exactly all that familiar with apologizing (hence, him saying sorry like A MILLION times) or being forgiven, so this is new territory for him. I like writing him showing his softer side, and honestly, like I said, I wanted to start writing something a little happier and less depressing. So I did :-) At least for now lol.

Next chapter is the fated *appointment*, and whew I honestly was so excited for that chapter that its probably like 75% done already haha. Everyone's favorite farmer is finally going to make another appearance, and (hopefully ;)) these two humans are going to act like actual adults. Tune in next time to find out~ lol

An extra big thanks to my beta-reader rageaphobia for being so freakin patient with me on this and supporting me like always. Seriously, I appreciate ya more than you know 3 And of course, thank you to you if you're reading this :-)

MUSIC! So In My Head by Bedroom was a big one for me on this chapter. I will be honest-the lyrics are pretty dark and depressing, like a literal call for help. Truly that's kind of what this chapter felt like for Gray, a call for help. He hit a low low point where he realized shit is not okay, and he's desperate to make things right despite not really knowing how to do it. Plus, I just love the actual music itself when it comes to the feel of this chapter. There's a part at the end of the song where the drums sound like a heartbeat, and just the uplifting way the song ends while still having the original riff in the outro ties it together nicely idk. Also like part of me envisions Gray listening to Doug's Pink Floyd but anyways that just might be me inserting my own likes into fic, feel free to argue with me lol.))