((Hello~ its me! And I have an update :) Hope you enjoy some really awkward moments between Gray and Claire lmao.
I do want to include a !WARNING! that there are brief mentions of pregnancy loss and termination within this chapter. Additionally, there is a medical procedure that takes place kind of "off camera." Nothing is described in any graphic detail but I figured a warning would be best to include.))
I'd been running through the words in my head all morning. While I was getting more sleep than I had been the last few weeks, I was still waking up in the middle of the night, fixated on the areas of my life that needed to change.
After going through my list of people I'd fucked over on an endless loop, the name glaring at me from the top was Gramps. I knew making things right with him wasn't going to be easy; he and I had the unique ability to get under each other's skin in ways most couldn't. But I knew I needed to figure out how to make the relationship work during arguably, one of the most confusing and fucked times in my life. I wanted my grandpa's support, but I needed it on my terms, not whatever outdated bullshit he was running on.
I must've been staring for longer than I'd thought because I heard my grandpa speak up from across the room.
"Do you have to head out soon?" he asked, glancing between me and the clock. "Your appointment is today, correct?"
"Oh, uh yeah. That's today." Somehow a day I'd been looking forward to and dreading since it'd first been established.
"Well…" he looked around the empty smithy again, " do you need to head out soon? You know, 15 minutes early, or you're late."
"Yeah. I know." I looked back at the clock as if the sight wasn't permanently etched into my brain. "I got time."
"Hmmm. I see," Gramps hummed in a low tone, turning back to his desk. "Well, whenever you need to leave, then."
I threw my gloves back on my workbench and took a few steps towards his seat. "But uh, I was hopin' to talk to you about somethin' before I left."
"Oh? Were you now?" The folder of spreadsheets he'd been examining closed as he swiveled to face me. "Regarding?"
Now that I was on the spot, finding a way to sum it all up seemed next to impossible. "Uh… everything?"
"That narrows it down," he huffed, hard gray eyes unwavering from mine.
"I just… fuck. I wanna apologize," I finally choked out, readjusting my hat.
He crossed his legs and sat back in his chair. "You want to do what now?"
"I know you heard me."
"I did. But I want to hear you say it again."
I'd known he wasn't going to make it easy for me, but I still had to take a deep breath and consciously choose the words I knew I should say. "I want to apologize to you, Gramps."
"For?" That was the million-dollar question.
"For… fuck. A lot," I sighed, reflecting on everything I'd been thinking about all day, everything that'd kept me up the night before. "Takin' my anger out on you, bein' a shitty grandson… and blamin' you for… what happened with my parents." I shoved my hands in my pockets and looked to the concrete floor. "You've been there for me since I moved here, even when I've been a piece of shit to you. And I know I needa stop takin' it for granted."
He nodded understandingly. "It took you long enough to realize, but better late than never, I suppose." There was an air of humor in his voice until he spoke again, "Though I appreciate the apology nonetheless."
There was still more weighing on me, and I knew I couldn't just keep pushing it down. "And uh, I appreciate your help with the whole… everything, but I need to take care of it myself." I inhaled, trying to find the right way to express the concern, "It… pisses me off when you interfere or try to force me to do shit I don't wanna do."
"Well... I apologize for making you feel that way," Gramps replied as he tilted his head at me. "I hope you can understand that I've always had your best interests at heart, though."
"I know. But what we decide to do is between Claire and me."
My comment made him raise a thick eyebrow. "So you two discussed what you're going to do?"
"Yep." 'Discussed' was a generous way of putting it.
He looked at me expectantly. "...And are you planning to tell me?"
"I don't know what you want from me, Gramps," I sighed, closing my eyes to stop them from rolling into the back of my head. "We're not together… but it's not like we have to be."
"I see." He exhaled loudly. "Well, if that's what you two want to do, you have my support." Which was not what I'd expected him to say.
"Are… are you okay?" I took another step closer and narrowed my eyes, searching for any indication that he was fucking with me. "That some sorta joke?"
"There's no use in trying to force you to do anything, Gray. That much I've learned the hard way," Gramps grumbled as he closed his eyes and gently ran a hand down his beard. "I want to help you, but you're correct that I cannot make your decisions for you."
A part of me still wasn't convinced. "And… you mean that?"
"I lost your father doing the same thing. I'm not going to lose you too."
That reassurance left me feeling strangely warm. Being wanted, the promise of not being left behind, I wanted it so badly. But it still seemed too good to be true.
"Yeah, and what about the town's 'outrage'?" I reminded him, meeting his intense gaze. "You seemed pretty pressed about that not too long ago..."
"I care more about keeping you here than what people will say." Gramps crossed his arms and let out a defeated sigh, "And if you and Claire are willing to accept what might come, then I have no choice but to support you two."
I took a step back and looked him up and down. "You sure don't sound too happy about it."
One of his hands moved up to his temples, this time producing a sound more similar to a groan. "Gray, of course, I'd rather you two do this together, as a family, but…" he trailed off and looked down to his lap. "Oftentimes, I think about how things could have been different with your father. And it may be too late for him, but it's not too late for you."
"I know." I couldn't even imagine how different my life might have played out if that had been the case. It almost wasn't worth thinking about. I had to swallow the lump in my throat before I could push out, "Just... tryin' to figure my shit out before it is."
"I think that's wise of you," he replied thoughtfully, nodding his head. "I know I might not tell you this as much as I should, but I'm proud of you for taking those steps to better yourself."
Being proud of me seemed like such a simple, silly idea. But hearing Gramps say those words out loud was a shot to the heart.
A shaky "thanks" was all I could muster up in response. If I tried to say anything else, I knew I would lose all sense of composure.
"Of course. And, you'll let me know how things go today?" Gramps asked as he turned back to the papers on his desk.
"Yeah. I will." I started taking a few steps towards the door before I caught myself and spun around. "But, uh, before I head out. Told Cliff I would talk to you, see if you had any leads for work."
He released a dampened sigh without looking up at me. "I know you're concerned for your friend, and I share the same concerns, but I've already had this discussion with him."
"Okay... you don't have work for him. What about the valley?" I waited a few moments for Gramps to respond, let alone look at me. When he didn't, I had to press further, "Kassey and Patrick or that weird guy in the cave? Isn't there anyone else you could check with?"
Gramps seemed to consider this for a minute before finally looking up from his desk. "Last winter, Carter reached out to see if he could borrow you on the dig site." He paused and glanced over to the phone hanging on the wall. "I haven't heard from him this year yet… but perhaps I can follow up with him again."
"Carter?"
"'Weird guy in the cave,' as you call him, not the priest," he answered, raising an eyebrow. "It's a long shot, but I can make some calls and see what I can find. He's not exactly the easiest man to get a hold of."
"I appreciate you doin' that. Told Cliff I'd help him find somethin'."
"Well, I'll let you know what I find out."
"Likewise."
With a quick goodbye, my slow steps headed towards the clinic. It felt like I was wiping my clammy hands on my pants every few steps, despite the cooler weather finally making an appearance. I wasn't sure if I was more nervous about seeing Claire after how we'd left things or finally finding out if she was pregnant. Either way, I was a fucking mess trying to put on a brave face for whatever the hell was coming my way.
I pushed through the door with five minutes to spare, though still late by my grandpa's standards. That familiar, pristine white waiting room sat on the other side; however, its only inhabitant was Elli, stationed behind the front desk. Because of course, Claire, audacity herself, wouldn't be here yet. And probably won't be for another ten to fifteen minutes...
Elli's gaze was already locked on to me when I glanced over, stopping my pulse on sight. She delicately craned her head, probably scanning for Claire, and then shifted back to the computer in front of her.
"While I'm glad you're here early, it's kind of hard to start the appointment without Claire," Elli said without moving her eyes from the screen.
"Yeah. I know." I took a few shaky steps into the waiting room and reached up for my hat. "She should be here any minute," I lied.
Elli didn't even bother to look at me. "Let's hope so."
There was nothing worth saying back to that. I usually felt awkward around Elli, but this time took the cake. Unsure of what to do with myself, I studied the thin lines of grout carving through the white tile floor as the computer keys rhythmically clicked in front of me.
A sigh came from the front desk after a few awkward minutes of me loitering. "Gray, if you're worried about me saying anything to Mary—or anyone else for that matter—you shouldn't be. I'm a professional. I take my job very seriously."
"Oh. Yeah, I… thank you," I stammered, looking up to finally meet her gaze.
It was silent for a few moments before she continued, "But you need to tell her what's going on. She needs to hear it from you."
"...I know." As accurate as the statement was, it still left a sinking sensation in my gut. "I will… just, seein' what happens today."
Elli was nodding her head when the front door swung open so hard that I thought the wood might crack in half. A series of long-winded apologies erupted from the woman of the hour as the door slammed behind her.
Claire was making a beeline for Elli until her eyes flashed up to meet mine, stopping her dead in her tracks a few feet away. Her eyes were wide, face flushed like she'd ran the whole way here—which she probably had. A loose ponytail barely hung on by a thread over one strap of her muddy overalls, and the red hoodie she sported underneath didn't look any cleaner. She honestly looked a mess, but that didn't explain why my face felt so hot.
Elli's voice brought me back to reality. "Claire, in the future, we'd really appreciate it if you could be on time."
"I—I know, I know, I'm so sorry." Claire snapped away and side-stepped me to approach Elli's spot. "I promise it won't happen again."
She gave Claire a polite smile. "It's fine. But if anything, it would be helpful if you could be early."
"I know. Like I said, it won't happen again."
Elli pushed up from her seat. "Alright, well, there are a few samples I need to grab from Claire first," she stopped and looked over to her, "that I think she would prefer privacy for." She rounded the desk and met Claire in front, "Follow me, and Gray, we'll come grab you when we're ready for you."
"Uh. Okay." I dragged myself away from the desk and plopped down in the familiar, unwelcoming white waiting room chairs as Claire disappeared behind one of the curtains with Elli.
I understood why I wasn't allowed back there. But I hated being alone with my thoughts in easily one of my least favorite places in town. I had no idea how today would pan out, let alone how I wanted it to pan out. If Claire was actually pregnant, that was just a clusterfuck of problems I didn't even know how to start solving. And if she wasn't… I wasn't sure how I'd cope with that either. There was no way to win; I'd already lost.
"Good afternoon." I nearly jumped out of my seat to see Trent standing over my chair, no clue when he'd approached me or how he managed to do it so stealthily.
I had to blink a few times to make sure I wasn't hallucinating him standing over me, smiling. "Sup."
"Do you mind if I take a seat?" he asked, motioning towards the chair to my right.
I looked over at the empty seat and then back up at him. "It's your clinic, pretty sure you can do whatever you want."
Trent was silent for a few moments, staring at me before he forced a polite smile and took a seat. "I was hoping the two of us could speak again," he said, interrupting the faint murmurs I could hear from the other side of the building.
Great. Another lecture.
"I wanted to apologize to you for what I said last time we spoke." Trent's face soured as he looked over at me and continued, "Er—I guess for how I said it, as well. After speaking with Elli, I truly realized how unprofessional it was of me."
"Oh?" I wasn't expecting an apology, of all things. I was at a loss of what to say back. "Uh, yeah, all good."
"I feel embarrassed. I've never been known for my astounding bedside manner, but..." He shook his head with a dry laugh and sat back as he looked down to the hands carefully interlocked in his lap. "I only said what I did out of concern for Claire's wellbeing. I don't want to see her in the clinic again outside of routine appointments. That's all." He looked up from his lap and back at me. "I hope you can understand where I'm coming from. I have nothing but support for you and Claire, whatever you two decide to do."
"Um… yeah. Appreciate that." Which was the truth, but I couldn't help wondering what he meant by seeing her in the clinic again.
"Gray if—" Elli's voice started from between the curtains before stopping mid-sentence. "Oh. Sorry to interrupt, Doctor. We're about to run the ultrasound and thought Gray might want to be there for it."
Trent stood from his seat with a smile. "Of course. I think we're all finished here."
Somehow, even more confused than I had been earlier, I got up and followed Elli behind the curtain.
Claire sat on the foot of the bed in the middle of the examination room, her bare legs dangling over the edge as the newly donned white gown pooled around her thighs. Her head snapped up at the sound of the sliding curtain, and I immediately tore mine away. I wasn't sure why, but being around her in this context seemed wrong. It felt like I wasn't even supposed to be there in the first place.
But here I am.
Elli found her spot in front of some bulky machine with an outdated screen to the left of Claire's bed, and I glanced around the room to scope out a place for myself. Two chairs lined the wall opposite of the bed—one of which was haphazardly draped in a pile of red and denim—another positioned on the right side of the bed. The first option would have put me directly in the line of sight of parts of Claire she definitely didn't want me seeing. So I went with the second option, despite how uneasy I felt being so close to her again.
I'd been so busy internally battling where to fucking sit, of all things, that I'd completely tuned out Elli explaining the ultrasound to the two of us. That was, until Claire interrupted her with a startled panic.
"I'm sorry, trans-what-now?" she demanded with wide eyes.
Elli's composure was unwavering as she replied, "Transvaginal. I'm going to insert the wand into—"
"No. No, I got it. You're going to do more up there? You haven't done enough?" Claire interrupted her nervously, stiffening in her seat. "Like, I always thought ultrasounds were on… y'know, the outside."
"Did… Did Trent not explain this at your last visit?" Elli questioned with a slight annoyance in her voice. When Claire didn't respond, she forced that smile back onto her lips. "Anyway, you wouldn't be far enough along for anything to show up on a transabdominal ultrasound. Your next appointment we'll be able to, but today…."
"Shit," Claire cursed as she scooted herself forward and started inching her feet towards the metal stirrups at the end of the bed.
When Elli started moving to cover Claire's already barely covered lower half with some sort of sheet, the realization of what I'd actually walked into hit me. My heart pounded in my chest, and I asked the question before even thinking about it, "Uh, so, um, then… should I leave?"
"NO!" Claire snapped seconds after the question left my mouth, her cold-ass hand clamping down around my wrist. "No. You're… you're already here, and there's no way I'm letting you walk that way while I'm here... spread freaking eagle. You're staying right there." She glanced down to Elli, back up at me, and then up at the ceiling in a matter of seconds. Her calloused fingers loosened around my wrist and slid to delicately grip the top of my hand, her fingertips settling between my thumb and index finger. "Just… eyes stay above the waist."
I'd never heard Claire sound so scared. And suddenly, I felt awful for even suggesting I leave… even though I wanted to. I figured that in her position, I wouldn't want to be alone either. So I swallowed instead of responding and lightly curled my fingers over the tips of hers, as fucking weird as it felt.
That small request was the start of quite possibly the most bizarre situation I'd ever been in, but I did what she asked. Claire's wincing and the increasingly tight grip around my knuckles was the only indication I had that anything was actually happening below the waist.
"Is this the last thing you're going to stick inside me today?" Claire groaned after what felt like the most painful silence I'd ever had the displeasure of being a part of.
"Claire…" Elli scolded from out of my view.
"Right, I'm sorry, just, I hate this." And the creases forming on her tensed forehead definitely looked the part.
"I'm going to start by doing a scan of your uterus. We're going to check for any abnormalities, and then we'll be able to see how things have been developing. You might feel slight discomfort when I move the wand."
"Oh yeah, I feel it alright."
"I know that it's hard, but I need you to try and relax. Tensing up only makes it more uncomfortable for you."
Claire squeezed my hand again as she closed her eyes and rested her head back on the bed. She forced deep breaths despite the near-death grip around my fingers. I was at a loss trying to figure out my place in all this, so I did the only supportive thing I was likely capable of doing at that moment and gave a slight squeeze back.
After a few long minutes of only listening to Claire try to manage her breathing, Elli finally spoke up. "So far, everything is looking good…" she said to neither of us in particular.
"Fantastic," Claire pushed out of gritted teeth.
"And so if you both look at the screen," Elli continued without acknowledging Claire's comment, motioning her free hand towards the machine in front of her. "This is what we're looking for."
My eyes were locked on the picture, but I wasn't sure what it actually was that we were looking for. The monitor just looked like crude gray and black crayon scribbles, the messy lines only interrupted by a strange, random black oval. I wasn't sure how an image like that was supposed to tell us anything.
But apparently, that little black oval meant everything.
Elli pointed towards the oval and then to a smaller white circle within it. "Here, you can see the gestational sac, and the ring inside that is the yolk sac."
I'd heard those words last time we'd been at the clinic. I had my ideas, but truthfully, I had no idea what any of them meant.
"And… actually," Elli's voice perked up as she pointed to the tiniest blip of white protruding off the ring. "Here, you can see the beginnings of an embryo."
"Wait. So… seeing that…" Claire said slowly, her eyes glued to the screen, "that means…?"
"It means you're pregnant, Claire," Elli said gently, showcasing the first genuine smile I'd seen all day. "Congratulations."
"Holy shit!" was Claire's immediate reaction before catching herself. "Sorry. I just mean, wow! Whoa! That's wild. That's our kid? Right there?"
Our. It was weird to hear her say that out loud. I knew it was the truth; it just didn't feel true.
But that means… I'm gonna be a dad. To a whole-ass person. Somebody is gonna have me as a parent. It didn't seem real. How could one little fucking oval have so much power?
I felt another, much lighter squeeze around my knuckles and looked down to Claire, grinning larger than I'd seen all day. "Isn't that so cool?" She looked over to Elli, not even waiting for my response, as if I had anything to say anyway. "This is so exciting! I almost forgot about the fact that you've turned me into a human popsicle."
I couldn't tell if Elli was trying to hold back a laugh or a lecture, but she just sighed and turned back to Claire with a forced smile. "I'm going to take some measurements so we can determine a due date. Just give me a few minutes, and you won't be a popsicle anymore."
"Do I get a picture of that?" Claire asked without missing a beat. "Y'know, like to take home?"
Elli completed whatever she'd been doing on the machine before turning back to Claire, "If that's what you'd like, I'll see what I can do about printing one of these off for you."
"Do you want one too?" Claire asked me with a light squeeze of my index and middle finger before dropping my hand. Somehow my hand felt colder without that frigid fucking skin pressed against mine.
When I looked up, both Elli and Claire were staring, waiting for my reply. I was still processing everything; wanting a picture to commemorate the feelings was the last thing on my mind. But Claire was beaming with excitement over it, as usual, so I didn't even try to reason through it.
"Sure," was the first thing that came to mind.
I wasn't even sure if I'd gotten a reply. It wasn't like I could hear anything anyway; I was still stranded somewhere between My life is over and What the fuck am I gonna do now? My hands found the chair's plastic arms, searching for anything to ground me in the real world.
Get it together. Get. It. The Fuck. Together.
I let go of the breath I didn't realize I'd been holding in and attempted to settle into an already uncomfortable seat. When I looked up, Elli was pushing the machine off to the side. Thankfully, those strange metal stirrups had disappeared too, and Claire had returned to a less exposing position sitting on the edge of the bed. Plastic chair legs scraped along the tile floor as Elli pulled her chair directly in front of both of us with a clipboard in hand. I was still trying to find my bearings when she started up again.
"So moving forward, we need to gather some additional medical history from you both so we can assess any potential risk factors for this pregnancy," Elli announced, glancing down at what seemed like an extensive list on the clipboard in front of her. "I'm just going to start by asking some questions about you and your family's medical history. We're going to run through some common inherited genetic and chromosomal disorders, and I want you to let me know if you or anyone in your family has been affected."
We went back and forth with Elli for a few minutes as she inquired about things like diabetes, heart disease, autoimmune disorders, seizures, Alzheimer's, along with a whole slew of other conditions I'd never heard of. Both Claire and my responses were a chorus of nos, but honestly, most of my responses were rooted in the fact that I had no fucking clue. Access to quality medical care, let alone medical care at all, wasn't exactly a hallmark of my childhood. I knew the bare minimum about my own health, even less about my parents'.
It wasn't until Elli announced the next section that Claire paused and said something other than 'no.'
"When you say 'history of psychiatric disorders,' what exactly do you mean?"
Elli looked down and read through the list in front of her, "This includes conditions such as depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, schizophrenia, bipolar affective disorder… really any behavioral disorders, eating disorders, addictive behavior…."
"Oh. I see." Whatever enthusiasm that had been behind that voice earlier was gone. "I… I mean, there's the stuff you guys already have on file. But there's no history of anything else like that on my mom's side, no clue about my dad's."
I watched Elli check off a few boxes under the "yes" side before she turned to me, seemingly expecting some sort of reply.
"I… uh, I dunno, to be honest." The skin on my neck started to sting, and suddenly I was panicking, trying to come up with something to say. "Dad's an alcoholic if that counts."
She nodded her head and returned her pen to the page, checking another yes box. "So nothing else that falls under this category?"
Claire glanced over at me and then back at Elli. "Nope."
"Okay..." Elli turned her attention back to Claire as she flipped the page in front of her, "So then these final questions I have are just for you, Claire, regarding any substances you've been exposed to."
"Alrighty then. Shoot."
"Have you taken any medications—prescription or not, supplements, vitamins, herbs, alcohol, or drugs since your last menstrual period?" Elli looked up to Claire. "And if yes, what kind and how much?"
"Um. Alrighty. Give me a sec. That's a… really long list." Claire looked up at the ceiling and closed her eyes, trying to recall anything relevant. "Uh… I haven't been taking any prescription meds since before moving here, other than birth control. Obviously not very well, though." She stopped and looked between Elli and me—as if either of us were going to laugh at such a bad joke—then shook her head. "Uh, no supplements or vitamins either, besides the prenatals you gave me last time."
"Okay, drugs, alcohol?" Elli held her gaze on Claire expectantly. When all Claire did was rub her lips in response, Elli tried again, "These questions are meant to assess risk, Claire, not to cast any judgment."
"I'm sorry… I'm just trying to remember everything," Claire replied, squeezing her eyes shut again. "Uh, no drugs… Unless wait, does coffee count? I was usually drinking a cup or two before I found out."
"Okay, that's good to know," Elli replied as she scribbled on the sheet before her. "That's not too much of an issue, but you'll want to limit your caffeine intake to 200 milligrams maximum from now on—that's about one cup a day, roughly."
"And… I did drink a few times before I knew. It was just wine," Claire added a millisecond after Elli was done talking.
"Do you recall how much you consumed?"
"Like… a few glasses? I'm not too sure." Elli's pen was scraping on the clipboard again when Claire nervously added, "But I haven't had anything else since then! Promise!"
"I wouldn't stress over it. Just be sure to monitor what you're putting in your body moving forward." When Elli finished up whatever she'd been writing down, she gracefully lifted herself from the stool. "I'm going to go grab Trent so he can give you the final assessment, due date, etcetera. He'll be in shortly."
After Elli left, I was stuck staring at the side of Claire's head for a minute that seemed to span for hours. She cringed a few times before finally repositioning herself, so she was at least somewhat facing me. But she didn't bother to look me in the eyes.
"I'm sorry I was late," Claire said quietly, staring at the parchment sheet under her. "Especially since I told you not to be. I shouldn't have said that. I… shouldn't have said a lot of the things I said that night."
"It's fine," I replied, still slightly caught off guard. "Me too."
The sliding curtain distracted Claire before she could get the words out of her open mouth. Her head snapped back to Trent as he pushed his way through and took over Elli's stool in front of us.
"Good afternoon, you two. It's nice to see you both again," Trent greeted us warmly. "Elli and I were just conferring about the data she collected today."
"And?" Claire asked impatiently.
"So we're looking at a due date in late spring. Taking into account the measurements and conception information you've given us, that puts you right around the 29th. Though Elli said since this is your first pregnancy, it's hard to say what your body is going to do."
"Mm. So a summer baby," Claire said with a smile. "That's fun."
I wasn't sure if fun was the word I would have used, definitely not the first f-word I would have picked. But I was too speechless to actually say anything, so I just nodded.
"Based on the information you've given us, we haven't been able to establish any grave risk factors for you, Claire."
"So… I'll be able to keep working, then, right? That's what Elli said last time I was here..."
"Since you've maintained an active lifestyle, you should be able to continue working through your pregnancy as long as you are physically able." He raised a dark eyebrow before he added to the thought, "You'll want to ensure that you're listening to your body, though, and not overworking yourself."
"Right. Yeah, I'll be careful. Don't worry," Claire quickly reassured him with the wave of a hand.
"And with your blood pressure as low as it is, you'll want to be extra careful," Trent warned her, looking down to that fucking clipboard. "It'll likely rise on its own towards the third trimester, but until then, you'll want to monitor things closely."
"Alrighty, yeah. Will do," she hastily replied.
Trent barely acknowledged her flippant response before continuing, "I would avoid getting up too quickly when you're seated or lying down, try not to stand for too long at a time, and don't use scalding hot water when bathing." The first two sounded like things that would be hard for a farmer to avoid. Still, I kept my mouth shut as he rambled on, "On top of that, making sure that you're properly fueling your body and getting adequate rest will help tremendously."
"I…" Claire's voice faltered as she huffed and looked down to her lap. "Okay."
"And the last piece I wanted to bring up with you was the mental health aspect." Trent's voice was much softer this time around, much calmer than I'd ever heard him speak to me. "You'll be experiencing some significant changes, and having support will be essential. I believe it would be wise to continue meeting with Carter throughout your pregnancy and thereafter."
Claire sharply inhaled, and her eyes fluttered closed before locking onto Trent again. "I was already planning on it."
"Good to hear." He paused and cleared his throat. "Well, that's all I have for you today on my end," he said, glancing between the two of us. "What questions do you have for me?"
"I… I don't know yet." Claire looked back to me as if I had a fucking clue. "What about you?"
I was in the same boat, still processing a metric fuck-ton of information. Essentially a life sentence of information.
"No questions," I muttered.
Trent was silent for a few moments before pushing up from his spot. "Well, again, congratulations to you two. We'll see you again soon for your next appointment. You'll be able to schedule with Elli as you leave."
He headed towards the exit, stopping on his heels to call over his shoulder, "If you think of any questions before then, don't hesitate to call or stop by."
Claire waited until Trent had left to turn back to me. "I wanted to say earlier… I'm sorry for asking you to come back for the ultrasound." Her airy chuckle caught me off-guard as she reached up to scratch her neck. "I didn't know it was going to be like… that."
"Yeah… that was fuckin' weird," I admitted, readjusting my hat. "But… uh, if you don't wanna be alone for shit like that, I get it. I don't mind."
Big blue eyes stared back at me for a few moments, almost as if she was waiting for me to take the words back. Her eyes darted away to the pile of clothes on the other side of the room, and she pushed up from her spot. "So anyway… I should probably change, y'know, back into my clothes."
"Oh. Fuck. Yeah, sorry." I got up from my chair and walked towards the curtain. "But I'll see you out there?" Which felt so stupid leaving my mouth. Of course, she'd see me out there. Where else would she go?
I felt so dumb and numb I didn't even wait for her reply before returning to the waiting room. Clacking keys from Elli's computer was the only foothold I had left in the material world. All I could think about was what we were going to do next. If there even was a 'we.' Last time I'd seen Claire, she'd made it pretty damn clear that there was no 'we,' but I had no idea what was going through her head after today. Shit, I had no idea how I felt. I wasn't even sure if I could trust the feelings I thought I'd had days prior, let alone whatever the hell I was feeling today.
When Claire finally graced the waiting room with her presence, we went through the motions of scheduling another appointment. We settled on a date a few weeks out, but it didn't feel like I was contributing much. It wasn't like I ever had plans to work around; other than work, my schedule was always open. Which, I guess, was one of my problems.
"And these are for you two," Elli said as she slid two black and gray squares across the desk.
Claire snatched her copy of the photo as soon as it was in reach and stared at it like she was trying to commit it to memory. I slowly picked up mine when Elli's hand left and folded it into my wallet without a second look. I didn't need to see it again; the image was already ingrained into my memory.
After a polite goodbye and a stern, reminding look from Elli, I followed Claire out of the clinic. The afternoon sun was shining overhead as what felt like the first, cool autumn breeze rustled through the trees lining the path. She stopped on the cobblestone road in front of me and spun around, shifting her weight between both feet as her eyes hesitantly met mine.
"Sooo," Claire started shakily, tracing her neck with her hand. "Do you, uh, have a sec?"
I was silent for a moment. I didn't want to get my hopes up, but I felt eager at the opportunity to actually figure some shit out.
"Yeah, I'm off for the day," I replied, trying to feign composure. "What's up?"
Claire pressed her lips together, rubbing them back and forth as she thought about her next words. "I think we should talk." She looked down at her shoes and tucked a loose chunk of blonde hair behind her ear. "I… have a lot of other things I need to apologize to you for."
"Yeah, me too."
"Walk with me?" she asked in a way that suggested it wasn't really a question. It wasn't like I would have said no anyway.
I nodded and followed her as she started walking the path directly south of the clinic. I had so many questions for Claire, I only hoped she would finally give me some answers.
A heavy sigh came from beside me. "Where do I even start…?"
The sounds of our mismatched footsteps filled the space between us as I waited for Claire to speak. It wasn't until we had turned the corner in front of the inn and passed the winery that she finally decided to answer her own question.
"I guess… the other day," Claire decided out loud, keeping her gaze forward. "I'm… really sorry for what I said, for assuming that about you." Her hands moved to run along the length of the loose ponytail hanging over her shoulder, eyes still intent as ever to avoid mine. "I'm sure you didn't hear it, but Karen just… said something that really got under my skin before she left, and I… got mad at you for it. I don't even know what I was thinking… not that it's an excuse or anything."
"No," I sighed, shoving my hands in my pockets. "I heard what she said."
The muscles in her jaw tightened as soon as the comment left my mouth. "She just… knows things about me that I really wish I wouldn't have spilled, but I was drunk and just… stupid," Claire explained, her face wincing as she did. "And she thinks she's helping, but it's not. And like, she did do me a serious favor the other day, so I feel bad being upset. But sometimes she just"—she groaned and threw her head back instead of finishing the thought.
My mind immediately went to Kai and all his attempts at 'helping' me in the past. "I know how that goes."
"But still, I shouldn't have taken it out on you. What I said wasn't okay." Claire finally looked over at me, and I couldn't help but notice the slightest hint of pink in her cheeks. If she was actually embarrassed, that had to mean she was being sincere, right? She sounded the part, but I was constantly second-guessing every single thing she did or said. "You were just trying to be nice, and I was really nasty to you for no good reason."
"It's fine," I said with a huff, tearing my eyes away to watch my boots against the cobblestones. "I was the one over-steppin' boundaries. You said you didn't want me to walk you home, and I didn't listen."
"Yeah, but it wasn't like I was making those boundaries very clear to you." She rolled her eyes at herself. "I was just having trouble… figuring out how to act around you, and I should have figured it out before I even agreed to come. I've been thinking about it a lot, and it just doesn't seem very fair to you... I've been wanting to apologize since I left the square that night."
"Well, um, thanks," I replied carefully. "This shit's... stressful, and sometimes I think people do things they don't always mean when they're stressed. I get it." Oh, did I fucking get it.
I was surprised when Claire stopped at the junction between her farm and the smithy and looked east down the path.
So was that it? Our talk was over just like that?
"Can I take you somewhere?" she asked with newfound confidence, dismissing the nagging thoughts from my brain. "There's still a lot I want to talk to you about, and I'm not ready to go home yet."
"Uh. Sure?" I was confused about what made her house off-limits all of a sudden, considering we'd talked there a few times already. But then I realized that she probably didn't want to be alone with me in her house after what'd happened the other day. Part of me didn't blame her.
Claire took off on a mission down the path in front of the smithy, and I caught up to her in front of the poultry farm. I wasn't sure where we were going or why, but each step we took only made me more curious. When she turned down the dirt road between the two animal farms, I was beyond perplexed.
Where the hell is she taking me? was my only thought during our silent walk past Gotz's. She had a path to the forest through her property too, so why was she so determined to avoid her farm?
Instead of turning west towards Mother's Hill like I thought Claire would do, she headed straight into the trees at the end of the path. I stopped between two pines where the shorter grasses transitioned into thicker undergrowth just as she was stepping over a bush. I looked to the ground hoping there was some sort of trail we were supposed to be following, but of course, there was nothing of the sort—just shrubs, leaves, pine needles, and dirt.
"Uh… can I ask where we're goin'?" I asked after internally kicking myself for not asking sooner.
She placed her hand on a passing tree trunk and looked over her shoulder, grinning. "It's not that much farther, I promise!"
Because that's a helpful answer. I sighed and took her word for it because what else was I supposed to do? I had no idea an off-road adventure was in the plan when I initially agreed.
Luckily Claire was telling the truth; I just hoped she'd continue doing so. After following her through a sea of trees and thick shrubbery, we reached a slight decline leading down to a rushing stream. A narrow dirt path cut through the overgrown grass and down to a muddy riverbank where Claire wasted no time taking a seat on an oblong rock lodged in the ground.
She patted the spot next to her and looked up at me, batting her eyelashes with a soft smile. I'm sure after blindly following her for this long, she just expected me to do whatever she asked.
And I hated that she was right. Especially when she looked at me like that.
"Or there's another one that's good for solo sitting right here," she suggested, motioning to a similar but smaller rock a few feet past her.
I took the spot next to her anyway, ignoring any worries that my judgment might be slightly clouded. Claire's attention was fixed on the water rushing below us, heels already dug into the muddy grass when I looked over. Something seemed to be on her mind; it was only a matter of time before it came out. I sat back and looked to the overgrown forest on the other side of the creek, waiting for that moment to come.
"I like coming down here. It's… relaxing," Claire finally spoke up, moving her gaze up to mine. "And I thought it would be easier to talk, y'know, without anything interrupting us."
That seemed like a weird way of putting it. "You worried about somebody botherin' us on your farm?"
"No, just… there's a lot waiting for me there, and I'm trying to get my mind off of that right now and focus on… y'know, this." She motioned between us, and somehow one simple word held so much uncertainty.
"Yeah. Should probably figure this whole uh… situation out."
Claire paused as she looked down to her lap, and I heard her audibly swallow. "Gray, I'm so sorry for putting you in this situation."
I'd spent a lot of time blaming Claire. And while I knew she was at fault, I had to accept that I was too. "We put ourselves in this situation."
"I… I know that. It's just, I also know that I could have decided to… get rid of it, and I didn't," she said, barely above a whisper. "I could have made this so much easier on you, and I didn't. I just… I can't. I don't want to. And I haven't been very honest about why and… it all feels selfish of me."
"I'm not the one who has to deal with the whole… process. Doesn't really feel like my choice to make," I reminded her. She was right to an extent, but I didn't know how to feel about it. Things would be easier in some respects, but talking about 'getting rid of it' or insinuating that as what I wanted made me feel like shit. "But… would be nice to know why you're so hellbent on doin' this."
Especially with me.
The stream babbled in front of us while I anticipated whatever reasoning she'd been keeping locked up. It took a minute or so for Claire to get the words out, but after opening and closing her mouth at least five times, they finally came pouring out.
"I never had that like… connection with either of my parents growing up. I mean, my grandma basically raised me before she passed, and my mom has this whole other family with her new husband that I've just… never been a part of." Her hand gripped the collar of her hoodie as she spoke, "And… sometimes it feels like I missed out on a lot of things I always thought I was supposed to have. Y'know what I mean?"
I knew exactly what she was talking about. The only connection I still had with my mom were those few, fleeting memories of happiness before I'd left home. Still, I'd never considered actually wanting any of that now. "Uh. Yeah? I think I know what you're talkin' about."
"And… I just, I want that. I've always wanted that. My own family, that bond..." Blonde bangs shifted to cover her face as she looked down at the ground and knotted her hands in her lap. "And if I can't have it with my parents, I… I'm not going to give up the opportunity to have it with my kid."
I wasn't sure what to say to that. Part of me related to the feeling; the other couldn't help but think about how… sad it sounded.
"It… sounds really stupid when I say it out loud. But…" she looked over at me with a sad smile, "maybe you understand too?"
"I didn't have much of that growin' up either… so I guess I can understand wantin' it."
Claire looked away from me and closed her eyes before speaking in a much more somber tone. "So… knowing all that, and… really seeing how I can be, I feel like I should ask you again…" Her head snapped back towards me, and I could have sworn her waterline was fighting tears. "Do you really want to do this with me? Because after everything… I get if you changed your mind. I… I can look into selling the farm this winter and try to buy something somewhere else—"
"You're not fuckin' serious, are you?" When the only response Claire gave me was a distant, blank stare, I sighed and tried again. "Do you hear how ridiculous that sounds? After everything that happened today? You're not gonna sell your fuckin' farm Claire, you just moved here."
She blinked a few times before tilting her head. "So... that's a yes?"
"Of course, it's a fuckin' yes." I closed my eyes and moved my hand to my temples, trying to fight every urge to roll my eyes at the woman sitting next to me. "I'm not gonna let the kid grow up without a dad just cuz you told me off a few times."
"I… thank you," Claire softly replied before pressing her lips together.
"But I don't wanna do… whatever the hell we've been doin'," I sighed, pulling at the bill of my hat. "We need to figure out how we're gonna do this without bein' at each other's fuckin' throats every time."
"I know, I'm sorry. That's my fault too," she said with a deep breath, moving both hands to cover her face. "I should have warned you from the beginning, but… if I'm trying to remove myself from the situation, it's probably best not to follow me unless you want to see me lose my shit."
"Yeah. Gathered that." Claire's hands flew down to her lap, and she tensed like she was about to defend herself until her awareness seemed to catch up. "So I won't follow you unless I want the wrath. Got it."
"I promise it's not always this bad!" she just about cried, desperation laced in her defense. "I've just had a lot of… feelings about everything going on. I thought I knew what I wanted… but when it didn't work out like I expected, I just… went ballistic, I don't know. And I've been taking it out on you, which I know I need to stop doing. It's one of the things I've been working on, but… clearly, I'm not doing the greatest job."
"What do you mean?" I asked, hoping she would elaborate more on these feelings and what she actually wanted out of all this.
Unfortunately, that's not what she ended up elaborating on. "Once I've convinced myself of something… it's hard for me to move past it." Claire watched the running water in front of us as she continued, "I get so… fixated on things, ideas, people, and just lose sight of everything else going on until it blows up in my face. Which it usually does." She shook her head lightly. "And when it blows up, I just... take it out on everyone around me. Sometimes it feels like I can't control it."
I knew all too well about taking out my problems on the people around me; I just didn't expect Claire to admit it.
"That's why I got so upset about the whole Mary thing," Claire started again, scratching at her collarbone as her eyes flashed over to mine. "I was so convinced that everything would be easier if you and I were together. But I got way too ahead of myself trying to make it happen and then took it out on you when it didn't work out for very obvious reasons."
"I get it," I tried to reassure her. Though I couldn't deny how painful it was hearing that her only motivation for pursuing me was to 'make things easier.' I'd tried to rationalize my own feelings for Claire using the same reasoning before, but hearing her say it out loud was the nail in the coffin. Everything I thought I'd felt, everything I thought she'd felt, wasn't real. And I needed to accept that. "This is a shitty situation. I can understand how it would affect anyone like that."
"That's not what I mean." Claire stopped and took a deep breath. "It's not just a stressful situation that's making me act the way I do. Stress makes it worse, but... it's just the way I am." She rested her head in her hands to finish the thought, "And now I just feel so guilty about the whole thing, like I hurt Mary too in the process. It just… it's made it hard to figure out what I want."
"You didn't do shit to Mary. That was all me." I leaned forward, trying to get her attention, so she knew I was serious. But, of course, she didn't look up at me. "Shoulda told you about us, shoulda told her about you and me, it was my fault. It was all just movin' too fast."
"I know… that's my fault too," Claire muttered into her hands before shooting up. "But also, I never asked you about her! And… even when Ann told me you two had history, I never took the time to ask Mary about it either, even though I could have." Claire returned forward, and the intensity behind her voice disappeared, "I think I was too scared to ask her, but also… at the time I didn't want the answer, y'know? Because I didn't want to be stopped."
"Didn't know you two were even friends." Mary had only mentioned Claire a few times in passing during the spring, then understandably, never again after my initial distaste for the topic of conversation. And now, this was the first time Claire had said anything about her and Mary having any kind of interactions. But again, clearly, I knew nothing about female dynamics.
"I mean, we weren't really. I'd been trying, but she's so… intimidating." Which was a word I didn't know could be used to describe Mary, but Claire seemed so sure of the descriptor. "And now… yeah, I don't know if we'll ever be friends after all this."
I had to fight a chuckle because of the bleak tone Claire spoke with. "Are we talkin' about the same librarian?"
Claire shot me a quick glare. "Very funny. But… you just don't get it. I felt like an idiot every time I tried to talk to her, even before all this happened. Now she probably thinks I'm stupid and selfish."
"I'm sure Mary doesn't think that about you," I tried to reassure her, but I couldn't help having the same fears for myself. "She should be mad at me, not you."
"But what I did was just… so selfish," Claire groaned. "And I can't stop thinking about how awful it must have been for her."
"I've been, uh, thinkin' about it a lot too," I admitted, more so to myself. Seeing Elli today had pushed that worry back to the forefront of my mind. "I think... I'm gonna talk to her and uh, tell her about everything. Try and apologize. She should know the truth, don't you think?"
Claire opened her mouth and then bit her lip closed as she looked up to the sky. "Yeah, I… um, already tried."
"You did what ?" I demanded, my torso snapping to face her despite clearly wanting to avoid me.
"So… don't get mad, but I went to see her yesterday," Claire answered, suddenly intent on staring at the clouds overhead. "I just woke up feeling so awful about ruining your relationship, and I just wanted to help. And I knew I was going to have to see her because of the music festival, and I didn't want to try and hold all that in, like, in front of everyone, y'know?"
"Claire, are you fuckin' serious?" My heart was beating so fast I could barely get enough air to speak. "What did you say to her?"
"I just went to apologize and tell her the truth about what happened so that you two had a chance of making up!" she explained, throwing her hands up defensively. "I didn't mean to ruin everything between you two, so I wanted to help fix it!"
I groaned in frustration. "You didn't ruin anything between us. None of this is your fault, so I don't understand why you did that!" I didn't recognize how loud I'd gotten until I finished the sentence, so I took a deep breath and tried again. "So she knows you're pregnant?"
"Well… no. She kicked me out before I could tell her that ." The sentence eased my worries, though only slightly. I was glad Claire hadn't dropped that bomb on Mary before I could talk to her, but the thought of being the one that had to break the news was almost as terrifying.
"I need to be the one that tells her," I asserted, partially to Claire, partly to myself. "Don't you think it would make her feel worse to hear it from you? Can we agree on that?"
She rubbed her lips together before sighing. "Yeah… I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking I just… did it." Which seemed like something she often did. "I don't think you'll have to worry about me saying anything else to Mary, though. I doubt she'll ever want to talk to me again."
That only made me worry more about how their conversation had gone. "Just… let me talk to Mary. I'll figure it out."
"Shit." Claire returned her head in her hands with a groan. "I've made such a mess this time."
"Yeah, well, all we can do is fuckin' figure it out, right?" I waited for her to perk up at all to no avail. "Aren't you the one that told me that you had to put in the work? Complainin' about it isn't gonna do shit." I should know; I'd spent more time worrying and complaining than anyone should, and it hadn't fixed anything.
"You're right," she muttered, lifting her head. "We still need to figure out us. Like, what we're going to do. I feel like that'll make things a little better for me."
I nervously reached up for the bill of my hat at the thought of the impending conversation. "Yeah, me too."
"I should have been clearer, y'know, with what I said to you on the beach." Claire let down her hair from the ponytail that looked like it was seconds from unraveling on its own. She shook out the half-tangled mass before pulling it back on top of her head, leaving the smell of sweet pine lingering between us. I wasn't sure if the scent was from her or the forest, but I knew it wasn't what I was supposed to be focusing on.
"I meant it, that I don't expect anything from you outside of being a parent," she said as she ran her hand through the new ponytail. "But, I should have been more specific about what I actually wanted."
I'd been expecting the topic to come up, what I didn't expect was the way my heart fluttered at that last sentence. "Which is…?"
"After everything that's happened, being romantically involved just… obviously it doesn't work for us. It's made things way too complicated and… I just don't want to feel the way I have anymore. That's not what we should be focusing on." Claire stopped, rubbing her lips together before breaking into a subtle smile. "I think we should try and start over, y'know?"
"Kinda hard to start over given you're, uh, pregnant and all," I said sarcastically, trying to make up for the sting those words left in my chest.
Claire snorted. "Alrighty, smart-ass. I just meant that we should just try to focus on actually being friends. Actually having a relationship that isn't based around… whatever the heck we were doing," she suggested with a disapproving shake of her head. "I know that people don't usually do it in that order, and I kinda tried to rush things with you before… but I think being friends is the best thing we can do in our situation."
"Friends…" I repeated slowly. I wasn't quite sure what a friendship between Claire and me would even look like. The last time we'd decided to be 'friends,' we fucked, so…
"Yes, Gray. Friends," Claire returned with frustration. "I don't know what you want from me."
"Me neither," I replied, the words leaving my mouth before I even had a second to think about how Claire would take them.
She paused for a second before allowing a small huff to leave her lips, eyes discreetly rolling at my response. "Right. You obviously have some shit you still need to figure out, and so do I. So until then, we focus on being friends. I feel like it's what's best, y'know… for us, for the baby."
While I knew there was truth to Claire's words, hearing them hurt. Being friends, having a relationship based on something other than the fact that we fucked one time made sense. I didn't even know why I was still feeling anything for her. She'd made it clear that she was just trying to make things easier on both of us by trying to get together, not because she actually had any real feelings for me. And maybe that's what I'd been doing too. Everything I'd felt before, everything I thought she'd felt before, meant nothing. But that didn't explain why it burned so badly.
I let out a defeated sigh. "Yeah, for sure." I released the fabric above my knees that I'd unconsciously clenched and stretched my fingers. "So what are we gonna tell people?"
"I don't know. The truth?" Claire answered with a frown, like she couldn't believe I'd even asked. "I mean, it's our business. We don't owe anyone any explanations."
"Yeah, but eventually you'll start showin', right? People will ask questions and say shit." My head immediately went to a particular trio of women who would definitely have some shit to say to the entire town. I wasn't sure how aware Claire was of that dynamic in town, and I couldn't help wanting to prepare her. "What do we say back?"
A smug grin spread across her lips. "We can tell them to fuck off?" The suggestion instantly made me roll my eyes, prompting Claire to click her tongue at me. "What? That was a joke!"
"Not a very good one."
"I don't know Gray, what do you want to tell them?" her now annoyed voice asked. "Would it be easier for you to tell people that we're together or something?"
"I don't fuckin' know. People are gonna talk either way," I said with a shrug. "Fakin' it seems more difficult in the long run."
"Alrighty..." she trailed off, raising an eyebrow. "So… I guess when people ask, we're just… two friends having a kid? I don't know."
"Yeah. I guess that's what we are." Though I didn't have much faith that the explanation would curb any impending gossip.
"I just… I would prefer to keep things under wraps for a little longer. Just until there's a better chance that I won't miscarry." Her voice was quieter as she moved to mess with the hair hanging across her shoulder. "I don't really want everyone knowing, and then… everyone knows I lost it too."
"Yeah, I get that." I wasn't aware that was something I had to worry about, but I didn't exactly want everyone knowing that either. It was enough to make me second-guess my drunken decision to tell Kai and Popuri...
"The only thing… is it's starting to get hard to hide from Karen."
With somebody as nosy as Karen, I wasn't surprised. "So… you wanna tell her?"
"I mean… yeah, but I don't know if I'm ready for Rick to know yet, and I can't expect her to keep it from him." Claire stopped and shook her head. "Actually, I know for a fact she won't. I just… know it's going to turn into a whole thing with him, and I'm not ready for that lecture yet."
"A lecture?" I stiffened in my seat, and my lip turned up. "You're a grown-ass woman. What does he care?"
"I just know he's going to be all up in my business when he finds out," Claire just about moaned, her hand moving to rub along her jaw. "He already gets on me about work shit. I can't imagine how much worse it's going to be when he finds out."
I wanted to ask about the information I'd acquired from Popuri, but I didn't want to break her trust. I couldn't help saying something to try and get it out of Claire myself, though. "What do you mean he gets on you about work shit?"
"Okay, like, one stupid thing happened like, one time, and now just, sometimes he gets all up in my case about taking it easy. It's dumb. I know he's just trying to look out for me, but he treats me like I'm a kid or something."
"Well… you're pregnant," I felt the need to remind her. "Don't you think you should take it easier?"
Claire shot me another glare. "You heard Trent. I can keep working as long as I'm careful."
I wasn't reassured by that response in the slightest. "But… takin' it easy is bein' careful. Right?"
"Yeah, but… It's just annoying having somebody on me like that all the time. And I know it's going to be worse when he finds out."
"Maybe.. you should get used to it." My mind wandered to Ann, thinking how she would react if she knew everything I did. "People here care about you… they wanna make sure you're takin' care of yourself."
"Yeah, well, despite what everyone seems to think, I'm more than capable of taking care of myself," Claire huffed, rolling her eyes away. "Anyway… sorry, I got a little sidetracked there. I feel like I have more that I need to apologize to you for…."
"Claire, you don't have to keep sayin' you're sorry," I said before she could come up with anything else. "We're good. But things have to be different this time."
"They will! I promise!" She leaned towards me, sapphire eyes sparkling with fresh, new energy. "I'm going to be better! Try harder, whatever I need to do to make it work!"
"Yeah, me too," I said as I peeled my eyes away to the creek. "I'm gonna be better too." Familiar cold fingers wrapped around mine, much to my surprise, so I glanced down.
"I really appreciate that," Claire said sweetly, giving the top of my hand a gentle squeeze before releasing it. "Honestly. Thank you for letting me talk at you. I feel a lot better getting all of that off my chest."
"Yeah, of course," I replied, shoving my hands in my pockets. "We should keep bein' honest with each other from now on. Actually honest."
Claire nodded emphatically. "Definitely! "No more secrets!" she assured me. "And I'm going to do better at telling you how I'm feeling before I snap. I'm going to be nicer, I promise!"
"Yeah, me too."
"And thank the Harvest Goddess for that," Claire replied sarcastically.
I snorted at the jab, still not really sure how to respond. I didn't really want to say anything that would bring up anything too touchy again, so I left it at that.
"Alrighty, well, if we're being honest with each other," Claire started, looking up the hill we'd descended earlier. "I still have a lot of choring to get done today, sooo…."
"Got it." I pushed up from my spot and took a few steps towards the trail. "Can I walk you home?"
"Oh. Uh, I... okay, yeah," she stuttered, slowly lifting herself from the rock. "That's fine."
Claire was uncharacteristically quiet on our walk to her farm, despite spending the last hour or so talking my ear off. As we got closer to her property, her mannerisms grew increasingly fidgety, rubbing her hands together, scratching at her neck, doing double-takes in my direction every few seconds. Something was up, even if she wasn't going to be outright about it.
She stopped directly in front of me, right before the old wooden bridge connecting her property to the rest of the forest, so I couldn't take another step. "Ah, well, thanks again for talking with me, walking me home and stuff, y'know." Claire gave my arm an awkward pat before robotically swiveling around. "See ya."
"You're really gonna make me walk all the way around?" I asked, trying to peek over her shoulder to get a glimpse of whatever she was trying to hide.
"I…" Claire faltered and looked over her shoulder. "The extra steps are good for you."
"You callin' me fat?"
She shot around, taking a few steps towards me. "No, no, no! Of course not! I, y'know, I'm just… looking out for your heart health is all."
There was no way she genuinely expected me to believe that. "What're you tryin' to hide from me? You've been weird as fuck about your farm all day."
"No, I haven't," she lied straight to my face.
I had to take a deep breath to fight the tightening in my chest. "What happened to 'no more secrets'? Thought we were bein' honest with each other." Or was that all just bullshit to her?
Claire stood in front of me, silently staring before crossing her arms with a huff. "Fine. Honestly, I don't want you to see it. That's it. Now can I go?"
"It's not like I'm gonna judge you or some shit. Can I just cut through?"
Claire threw her head back with a groan and then turned to walk away. "Ugh, fine. But you say nothing, and you leave."
"Can do," I agreed, following after her.
After crossing the bridge, I looked around the property, realizing that I hadn't seen it in the daylight in what felt like weeks. What once was a field full of luscious greenery was now a medley of barren brown and wilting leaves, with the slightest hint of healthy green hiding in the cracks. Past the rows of bare, decaying vines were plots of untouched tomatoes and corn, just waiting to be harvested. The south half of the field was cleared entirely, and I couldn't believe the same plot of land had been overflowing with crops not too long ago. It was a significant change from the thriving farm I was so used to seeing.
"It doesn't always look like this, obviously!" Claire defended herself despite me saying nothing. "Y'know, transitioning between seasons is never easy."
"Yeah, looks like you got your work cut out for you," I ventured, taking another look at the field. I knew I wasn't supposed to say anything, but I couldn't help it.
Claire stopped when she seemed to notice where my eyes had wandered. "O-oh, I, uh…yeah," she stumbled over her words, looking between me and the field. After a deep exhale, she turned back to the crops. "Last week was pretty tough for me. I felt like shit, was letting everything going on get to me, and… well…I just got a little behind, is all."
"Everything okay?" I asked before I could even process the thought.
"Oh! Yeah!" Claire insisted, her voice rising almost an entire octave. "Everything's great. I just have a lot of work to catch up on, y'know? So if we're done here…."
Claire clearly wanted me gone, but the conversation I'd had with Trent kept coming back to mind. I felt partly responsible for how Claire had been handling, and by extension, the state of her farm. It was only natural to want to help make it right… right?
"You need a hand?" I found myself asking.
Claire's brows drew together as she tilted her head at me like I'd spoken an entirely different language. "What?" she asked incredulously before releasing one single humorless laugh. "Look, I appreciate your concern, but I'm more than capable of taking care of my own farm, thanks."
I wasn't blind to the way her 'thanks" didn't actually sound all that appreciative.
"I realize that. You're obviously capable," I huffed. "I'm just askin' if you want some help."
Her expression didn't change; Claire seemed unconvinced of my willingness to help. And honestly, I was starting to second guess the offer.
"Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't need your help," Claire sassed back, her lips settling into some sort of smug frown. "I've been doing this by myself for over two seasons. I can get through one minor setback."
I tried to not take offense to her words, but I didn't understand why she was so insistent on rejecting my help. "Definitely doesn't seem minor, but okay."
"Why are you making such a big deal about helping me?" Claire held her glare as she interrogated me. "Do I really seem that incompetent to you?"
"No, no," I shook my head. "That's not what I'm sayin' at all. Just feel like, when a friend's in need, you help 'em. And we're friends, right?"
Claire took a step back and crossed her arms. "So that's it?" she asked, raising a skeptical eyebrow. "What, you're some sort of good ol' boy now or something?"
"Huh?" I narrowed my eyes at such an odd accusation. "No, I just think helpin' you is the right thing to do. I feel like I'm partly responsible for all this," I said, throwing a hand towards her field.
She paused and followed my hand with her eyes. "Well... I guess you kind of are," Claire admitted with a sigh. Doubt still plastered her face when she turned back to me. "Still. No offense, but I have a pretty specific way I like things done around here, and I don't have the time to be teaching you how to do it all. I have a rehearsal for the Music Festival tonight, and there's still a ton I need to get done before then."
"What, like it's hard?" I scoffed. "You garden and raise chickens. I don't know why you're makin' it sound like what you do is complicated."
Which was definitely not the right thing to say.
Claire's mouth hung open with furrowed brows framing the scowl she'd locked on to me. Eventually, she released an annoyed huff as she glanced between me and her field, and then her eyes fluttered shut. "Alrighty, you... freaking punk. You're so convinced that you can do my job?" she spat before turning around. "Come back some other time when I'm not busy, and I'll be happy to prove you wrong."
"Deal." One part of me wanted to prove her wrong. The other… selfishly wanted an excuse to come by again. Just to make sure Claire was following through on taking it easier. That was it.
I wasn't sure if her words were a genuine offer or just banter, but I was walking away with full intent to take advantage of those words tomorrow. Worry over her current attitude about her situation was the primary contributor to the decision, but for some reason, I was excited to prove her wrong. At least, I was until Claire spoke again.
"Plus, you also probably have more pressing matters to attend to," I heard Claire call from behind. "Y'know, making up with a certain librarian. Let me know how that one goes." I was glad that I was already walking away because I could finally roll my eyes at her comment freely.
Claire was right, but I hated the fact that she was the one reminding me. Especially since she'd had a hand in complicating things. But it was my problem, and I was going to try to fix it… as much as I could, at least.
((Welp. I'm sure you all can guess where Gray is headed next chapter. I've got MY work cut out for me there lmao.
Now that the situation is real, we can start to have some real fun~ I will say that I debated how this was going to go for a LONG time before I decided that Claire was actually pregnant. A part of me debated having her not be, but at the end of the day it came down to that not being the story I wanted to write. A big part of this story is exploring a lot of "what could have beens" for me, so that was a big factor in my decision there.
Sorry if I disappointed anyone in that regard, but I can promise you that there's still SO much drama to come. Especially with Claire lol. Not sure what else to say about her other than she's not a stellar patient in any regard and needs to work on walking the walk if she's going to talk the talk. She definitely needs somebody that's going to hold her accountable ( ;) ;) ), whether she wants it or not lolz.
Better For You by Fake Laugh is the namesake for this chapter. It was just too perfect for this one. The lyrics and the way they're sung just sound like somebody trying to convince themselves that they're better apart from the other... with questionable success. Kind of like Gray in this chapter haha. If you're confused about how Gray feels, welcome to the club. He doesn't know either. I feel the credit song to this chapter would have to be Goodbye Summer by Peter The Human Boy. It was another repeat listen during writing this chapter and the next ;)
Anywho ramble central over here. Literally the world's biggest thanks to rageaphobia, my awesome betareader! And a big thanks to anyone who might be reading this! I appreciate you all :D ))
