Chapter 4: Confession
"Oh, you're finally back," Kaveh said. "If you want to eat, your portion of curry is cooling on the side. You might want to throw it back in the pot and warm it up. Where were you anyway? I asked around and pieced a few things together… They say you're going to be the Acting Grand Sage."
Alhaitham finished hanging his cape up and pulling his boots off before replying. "Yeah, that's what Lord Kusanali wants for the time being."
Kaveh blinked. "Seriously?!"
There was no reply; Alhaitham had disappeared into the kitchen. Kaveh waited patiently, knowing that Alhaitham was probably seething that he had been kept over an hour late at work and missed his usual dinner time.
"I have many questions for you, but while you eat, I'll entertain you with my own story of the past couple of weeks." Kaveh recounted how he had returned to his project in the desert and things had gone very well. He noted some of his favourite design choices, and hinted that perhaps Alhaitham should consider letting him recreate them here in his house. "I would have been back earlier, but the client got held up on the way – perhaps by all the ruckus you were causing? Believing that I had nowhere else to be, I waited for her to arrive so I could personally go over the finished project with her. But, if you really had needed me, you knew where I was."
Alhaitham had very much been the reason Kaveh's client had not made it to her destination on time. It had not been difficult to hire some Eremites to trail the client and introduce small obstacles to her journey. His favourite plot was when he'd paid off all those with sumpter beasts in Caravan Ribat to disappear for the day while he personally told the client about the fictious sumpter beast race going on near Aaru Village. With everything going on, he was lucky to have had time to drop by.
"I'm glad you weren't with us," Alhaitham said as he mopped up the last of his curry.
Kaveh huffed. "Well, of course. I'm sure you were living it up – having a fun adventure without me. Oh, I get it, what you said earlier – 'where were you when Sumeru needed you most?' - you were just trying to get me back after last time. You know, when I made you feel bad for not taking me back to that hotel."
Alhaitham loved it when he didn't have to say anything at all and people made their own conclusions. Kaveh was, as many people were, way off the mark, but that was fine. It made sense to Kaveh, and it wasn't a bad thing to let Kaveh believe that.
His words had merely been a way to tell Kaveh that he had been missed, and that Alhaitham had been thinking about him during all of it. How could he say it so plainly? Of course he had to say it through a heavy veil of words. They had been in public when Kaveh had finally graced his presence after 2 long weeks – he had wanted to grab the blond and hug him, ask him if anything strange had happened, and if he was okay. Their actions had changed so many things in Sumeru, and it would not surprise him if a ripple had reached Kaveh further afield. But they had a public image to uphold; Alhaitham knew he was about to have the archon ask him to lead the Akademiya, and Kaveh simply wished for no one to know they were roommates (which was foolish when Alhaitham was the one picking him up from the tavern after a drink too many, and the locals knew it). Hugging Kaveh in the middle of the Akademiya would start rumours, and neither of them would appreciate that.
Most importantly, Alhaitham wanted to pretend that nothing had changed. He wanted to provide Kaveh with stability in his life, and he did that by not doing anything wild and sticking to the routine he liked. Since meeting the Traveler, Alhaitham had found himself involved in many wild things and struggling to maintain his usual routine, especially when he was not even home for half of it. These events had changed him; undergoing experiences like this should result in change after all. But if he had greeted Kaveh with the truth about his feelings that he had come to accept, then Kaveh would have been very concerned that something serious had happened.
Not that stopping the creation of a god was a trifling matter, but that was not the part that had affected Alhaitham. He could just imagine Kaveh believing one of the canned knowledge capsules had changed him if he knew the story. It was the teamwork and the friendships he had forged that had had the most effect on him. It was these interactions with new faces and old acquaintances that made Alhaitham reconsider if he should change how he interacted with Kaveh. Ultimately, he didn't think Kaveh would appreciate a sudden change, so he had been his usual teasing self.
"Excellent as always," Alhaitham said, lifting his empty plate. "Thank you."
He took his plate out to the kitchen, wondering if he would be able to get away with heading straight to his room, avoiding everything for the rest of the day.
"Alhaitham!" Kaveh yelled as he saw the man trying to escape. "I told you all about my time away, and now I hear you've had a much more interesting time and you're trying to get out of telling me?!" Kaveh huffed and folded his arms. "Honestly. Do you want me to get the wrong information from the rapidly spreading rumours?"
No, he supposed he didn't want that. He didn't know what he wanted to tell Kaveh – certainly not all of it. He'd definitely leave out the part where he offered himself as hostage, knowing there was a chance they'd kill him. Still, by telling Kaveh the most important truths of the story, he could ensure Kaveh made sure that rumours were corrected. The architect was a lot better at socialising with their fellow academics; Alhaitham was far too cut-and-dry with people he expected to be smarter than average. So, if Kaveh could tell them that their information was incorrect, they'd be much more likely to listen and accept it with a smile.
Alhaitham returned to his sofa. "I hope you're sitting comfortably."
Kaveh listened in awe as Alhaitham recounted the parts of the story he knew, starting from just before he met the Traveler in Port Ormos. As he told the story, he realised that there were still parts that even he didn't know fully, and he was sure that tomorrow's meeting with Lord Kusanali would cover everything.
"I can't believe you did all of that…" Kaveh said.
Alhaitham shrugged. "I was involved the moment I decided to go after the divine knowledge capsule, not knowing how deep that hole would go."
"But you never backed out? I'm proud of you."
"Why? Anyone else would have done the same."
Kaveh smiled. "Maybe, but you are the type to stand up and say that it's above your pay grade, not in the job description, or outside of your contracted hours."
Alhaitham chuckled to himself. "I suppose I have been caught saying things like that more than once. However, it's not every day that you are asked to help save an archon and overthrow the government. How could I say no? How could I side with those in the wrong? Remaining neutral was not an option when I had all the facts and the power to do something about it. It was simply the correct thing to do."
"It was still riddled with risks. If it had gone wrong, I might have come back to find you in prison and your house repossessed! I'm glad I wasn't here now you've told me – I don't think my heart could have handled it! And yet, you've regaled the tale as if it was a walk in the park."
Of course he did; he didn't want Kaveh to think too much about all the dicey moments. And if Kaveh had been here, there's no way he would have wanted him involved. "Just do everyone a favour and avoid the Traveler and Paimon if you come across them. It's incredibly difficult not to be drawn into their business…"
"I don't think I have time to get wrapped up in their problems. But, Alhaitham, I have to ask, are you okay? Truly?"
"Do I not look okay?"
Kaveh's eyes swept up and down his body. "You do, but I know you're good at hiding things."
"I'm fine. Do you trust me, or do you require an inspection?"
A tempting offer. "I'm sure I'll find out if you're hiding any injuries tomorrow morning when you parade around the house after your bath."
"Is that something you look forward to?"
"As nice as your body is, no, I don't look forward to it." It was a constant reminder of how hot he thought Alhaitham was, but at least he had a pass to ogle his body tomorrow.
"You think it's nice?"
"I think many people would agree it's nice, and probably argue that there are better adjectives out there. But back to my point – are you okay with being the Acting Grand Sage?"
Alhaitham's gaze moved to look down at his hands, which were clasped together. "I'm going to resign. As soon as it's appropriate to."
"Why did you agree?"
"Because Lord Kusanali needs someone to fill this gap. Cyno can't do it – he already has too much to do as the General Mahamatra, and removing him from there would only create more problems. As the scribe, I am perfectly placed to take over – I am familiar with the day-to-day running of the Akademiya; there is no need to train me on the basics. Additionally, she wanted someone who understood how the sages had come to be overthrown. I was the perfect candidate, and I found it incredibly hard to deny the archon's wishes."
"I trust you'll pull out of it once you've had enough," Kaveh said. "In the meantime, make sure you approve as many Kshahrewar funding applications as you can!"
Alhaitham smirked; yes, he would have more things to wind Kaveh up with now, wouldn't he?
Kaveh asked more questions about Alhaitham's adventures, making sure he had all the details correct, and drawing out parts that Alhaitham had missed for everything to make sense. All through it, Alhaitham waited for the right moment to say something, but he never found it. The moment to tell Kaveh about his feelings didn't seem to be tonight, not without drawing attention to the danger he had been in.
ooo
"You did get hurt!" Kaveh realised once his eyes stopped lingering on the most interesting parts of Alhaitham and took in the whole picture.
Alhaitham looked down at himself. "Where?"
"Look at the state of your knees!"
He looked down, sticking a leg out so he could have a proper look. "Oh. Right." He supposed they did look pretty bad. Definitely could have been worse if his boots didn't offer some protection.
"How did you manage that?"
"Remember the part where I told you the guards captured me in Azar's office?"
Kaveh looked horrified. "They were that rough?!"
"A little bit. I was pretending to be insane…"
Kaveh narrowed his eyes. "I feel as if you may have skipped over some details."
Alhaitham shrugged and started towards his room.
"Alhaitham!"
His hands automatically went to his ears, but having just got out the bath, he did not have his earpieces on.
"Don't try to ignore me! I want to know what they did!"
"They managed to hit the back of my head, and so I crashed into the ground. No big deal, just a few bruises and a very convincing exit."
Kaveh scrambled off the sofa to go over and run his hand over Alhaitham's head, checking for a bump.
"Oh gods, what if they gave you concussion and that's why you agreed to act as the Grand Sage?"
"Kaveh, I'm fine."
"There's a small bump. I'll get Cyno to fire him if he hasn't already gone!"
"Kaveh."
"I'm angry on your behalf! How dare they hurt you like that!"
Seeing as words weren't getting through, Alhaitham placed his hands on Kaveh's arms, his thumbs gently rubbing up and down to calm him. It had the desired effect as Kaveh stilled, realising Alhaitham was holding him, and if he looked down, he would be reminded that Alhaitham was naked save for a towel around his waist.
"Kaveh, I…" This was the moment, wasn't it? "I'm going to be late." No, it wasn't.
Alhaitham had his perfected morning routine, and Kaveh had used up those spare moments with his questions. Still, for a second, Kaveh had believed Alhaitham was going to say something else. He didn't know what exactly, but the fact that Alhaitham had paused meant there had been a different line of thought in there.
ooo
It was another Friday evening spent in Lambad's Tavern, and this was them trying to pretend things were the same as always. The bartenders now made bets on when Kaveh would arrive – Alhaitham always arrived first, and his roommate would always find him and make him buy him a drink. Tonight, they came in together (Kaveh had made sure Alhaitham left on time for the first time this week), and were flanked by Cyno. It was odd indeed, and they chose a table rather than sitting at the bar as usual.
Cyno was teaching them how to play Genius Invokation TCG – he said it was a great way to destress after a tough week. Kaveh was already pretty good at it; he had been given the tutorial by Cyno and Collei one evening in Gandharva Ville. Alhaitham felt like he'd stepped into an alternate universe. Cyno had kept this hobby quiet on their travels, but he also suspected that his cards had been hidden away so that he could travel light. Maybe Cyno only let people he trusted in on his secret that he was a TCG nerd? And 'nerd' was definitely the word to describe him. Alhaitham had never seen the man so animated, and he clearly had extensive knowledge of the game.
It was even stranger to find out that Kaveh knew how to play, and that he knew Cyno as a friend. Alhaitham knew that Kaveh had friends that he saw on occasion, but he didn't realise Cyno was part of that group. Was that why Kaveh never asked to invite his friends to his house? Did he think it would be awkward? It probably would have been.
And yet, here they were, playing cards in the tavern as if they weren't three renowned people in Sumeru. Alhaitham liked it; it felt perfectly ordinary.
They left once Cyno had finished teaching him the basics (not that Cyno wanted to leave, but they'd only discussed learning TCG on the way here, and Cyno only had his deck and a few spare cards on him). The sky was painted with the last streaks of light from the setting sun as they walked home, and Alhaitham was feeling good.
Kaveh was surprised to find Alhaitham cracking open a bottle of wine when they returned.
"Unlike you to continue drinking after leaving the tavern," he said as he accepted the cup from Alhaitham.
"We live in unusual times." Alhaitham sat next to Kaveh.
"Yes, unusual indeed."
They both sipped at the wine; Alhaitham's choices were always ones that required a bit of appreciating.
The truth was that he needed just a bit of extra liquid courage right now, because he had decided to say what he'd been avoiding tonight, whether he felt the moment was right or not. He was simply going to create the moment. Here he was, at home, sitting next to Kaveh, after a nice evening in the tavern. If not now, then when?
"Kaveh, I have something to tell you."
"I know."
"You do?" Alhaitham's brow furrowed.
"Yes, I know there's something you've been holding back. I just don't know what it is."
Ah, so he was that obvious? He did not allow his mind to run through the kinds of expectations Kaveh might have; it simply would not do him any good.
"I like you."
Kaveh smiled. "Oh, we're being honest, are we? I like you, too. Despite all the horrible things we say to each other, I'm glad we can both admit we like each other."
"I love you." The words sounded strange and foreign to him, but at least he'd finally got them out.
Kaveh laughed this time. It was a nervous sort of laugh, and Alhaitham realised he'd heard it before. It was the laugh that came when Kaveh talked about rejections from clients, or when he recalled small mistakes that never should have happened. It was the sort of laugh that told Alhaitham that Kaveh was hurt or sad.
Alhaitham's heart clenched at the sound, and Kaveh would have seen the pain in his face if he had been able to look at Alhaitham.
"You're a cruel man, Alhaitham," he said while looking at the wine in his cup. "Did that Matra give you brain damage when he hit your head? Or should I have stopped you from drinking earlier?"
Alhaitham wanted to reach out, but he felt like touching Kaveh now might make the situation worse. "Kaveh, I mean it. What I feel for you is more than just liking or caring for you. I believe only 'love' fully encapsulates my feelings for you."
Kaveh scoffed. "You don't 'love.'"
"I've changed. You've changed me."
Kaveh couldn't accept this; Alhaitham could see it written all over the blond's face. And why should he? How long had it taken Alhaitham to accept it himself? Wasn't he Kaveh's unchanging pillar of stability?
Alhaitham reached out, hand gently cupping Kaveh's face as he considered his next move. Kaveh's hand immediately reached up to grip Alhaitham's firmly.
"Alhaitham, please… Don't…" Don't let this be false. Don't give me hope.
He let his hand fall. This sort of reaction hadn't been in his considerations.
Kaveh downed his glass before fleeing back to the safety of his room, leaving Alhaitham to run through their words many times before retiring for the night.
His thoughts latched onto Kaveh calling him 'cruel,' and the implications behind that. He surmised that Kaveh needed time to process this, but that repeating his feelings again tomorrow would help to reinforce them.
Saturday mornings were less rigid than weekday mornings, but Alhaitham still had routines he followed that culminated in him sitting on the sofa with a book and coffee. At some point during his reading session, Kaveh would rise – very rarely did he get up earlier than this on the weekend.
When his door finally cracked open, Alhaitham made sure his eyes did not leave the page. He wasn't taking in any information as he listened to Kaveh move through the house, waiting to see if he would keep avoiding Alhaitham. Strange; his heart was beating faster than usual as he heard the sound of a bowl being set on the counter.
A hand went to his ear, but his earpieces were still in his room on the bedside table; he could only listen in anticipation to Kaveh's steps. He wondered if Kaveh would notice how hard he gripped the book in his hand, and how his eyes didn't sweep across the page.
Kaveh finally took a seat on the sofa opposite, and Alhaitham felt the tension in his body diffuse; things were normal. This was a normal Saturday again. Except, he was going to ruin it. He had to – he had to address last night. He couldn't pretend it was a normal Saturday.
"I'm sorry about last night," Alhaitham said.
Kaveh blinked. "You're apologising?"
Ah, shit. That wasn't a very normal thing for him to do either. "You said I was cruel. So, I apologise for not fully considering the impact of my words. However, I do not apologise for the words themselves. I meant what I said, Kaveh."
"I thought about what you said, too. I don't need your pity, Alhaitham."
"It's not pity."
"What is it then? I called you cruel because I thought you finally realised that I like you and you said that because you thought it's what I wanted to hear."
Alhaitham shook his head. "It's not all about you, Kaveh. This is me being selfish and forcing you to hear how I really feel. I'll say it again – you've changed me. It took a long time for me to accept that fact, and when I finally bare my heart to you, you throw it back in my face. No wonder I never bothered with this sort of thing before. I thought I could trust you to take it seriously."
Kaveh felt bad, and Alhaitham knew it. After much thought, he believed that if what he said did not make Kaveh feel bad, then he would fail to properly communicate the truth of his feelings.
"Haitham… I'm sorry, it was such a shock to hear you say that," Kaveh said as he stared down at his bowl. "I've liked you for such a long time, and I never dreamed you'd actually reciprocate my feelings…"
Alhaitham quickly moved to sit next to Kaveh. "Apology accepted."
"O-oh? Good, uh…" Kaveh was distracted by how close Alhaitham was sitting.
"I want to reiterate what I said last night. I love you."
This time, Alhaitham moved in for the kiss without hesitation, cupping Kaveh's face as he had done last night, and bringing them both in close, slow enough for Kaveh to back out if he wished. Kaveh let it all happen, feeling like he was in a dream. It was soft and chaste, but completely mind-blowing because it was Alhaitham. No one would believe him if he told them – he barely believed it himself!
"I hope that clears things up," Alhaitham said as he pulled away.
Clear?! His mind was anything but clear! Alhaitham didn't kiss people! He only kissed people in Kaveh's dreams! But he certainly believed that Alhaitham wasn't joking around – the man was a fantastic actor, but there were limits. There was no way Alhaitham would say those words and kiss him for fun – it had to be real! And, if his dreams were becoming reality, how much could he hope for?
"Huh?" Kaveh blinked as he realised he'd been in a daze, finding that he was staring at Alhaitham's smiling face. Gods, he was even more beautiful with an expression like that.
"I'm going to continue reading now." Alhaitham got up to return to his sofa, and Kaveh was faced with the reminder that even if Alhaitham claimed to have changed, there were some things that would never change.
"So, just to clarify, are we dating?" Kaveh asked about an hour later.
"Yeah, I guess you could call it that."
"Well, what would you call it?"
Alhaitham hummed. "I didn't think we needed to call it anything."
"I'm just saying that next time someone asks me if I'm single, should I tell them I have a boyfriend?"
"If you want."
Kaveh smiled. "I finally have a boyfriend!"
"If we're dating, we should go on a date."
"You want to take me on a date?" The joy could be heard in his voice.
"Yes, I think so. An official date, with you as my boyfriend, rather than our usual outings where you pretend we're not roommates and people conclude that we're in denial. Which, I suppose, was rather accurate."
Kaveh, being impatient, managed to get Alhaitham to agree to take him to a restaurant that evening for their first date. It was the kind of place that put candles on the table and offered couple's desserts to share. The tables were smaller than the usual standard seen in other establishments, allowing Kaveh to tempt Alhaitham to hold his hand in plain view while they waited for their food. It was a small gesture, but it meant everything to Kaveh; this was another way for Alhaitham to reinforce that the past 24 hours had not been a dream, but it also told him that Alhaitham had no intention to hide their love.
When the food came, Kaveh was disappointed to have to stop holding Alhaitham's hand, but at least it stopped their argument about the restaurant's interior design from ruining the mood by cutting it short. The food was good, and conversation moved on to praising the chef instead, resulting in a very pleasant evening. Kaveh experimentally pushed a spoon towards Alhaitham's mouth, and was pleased when he allowed Kaveh to feed him. Getting the hint, Alhaitham returned the favour, and dessert devolved into feeing each other. Kaveh left with a big smile on his face; the bill was paid for by his boyfriend, and he got to hold said boyfriend's hand the whole way home. Overall, a very successful first date.
The evening was spent like many before it: reading. Except this time, Kaveh got to sit with Alhaitham's arm around his waist. He didn't process most of what he read; he was too busy thinking about the hand resting on his waist, thumb idly brushing up and down, utterly distracting.
It was a refreshing change. Kaveh's more 'successful' dates ended in going back to their house and wasting little time with further pleasantries before undressing each other. Alhaitham seemed to have no intention of going down that route tonight. Was he perhaps an old-style gentleman who believed a number of dates should occur before certain things happened? He thought he'd quite like that. After all, how many people had he seen for a second date? Very few.
Besides, just sitting here like this, being in contact with Alhaitham and feeling his warmth, felt just as rewarding as jumping into bed together. It made Kaveh feel like Alhaitham truly liked him and hadn't just said those words because he was interested in Kaveh for his body. He'd never seen Alhaitham bring anyone home, and he himself knew the temptation of living with a sexy man – why wouldn't he conclude that Alhaitham had finally figured out that he could use his roommate for pleasure? He could almost imagine Alhaitham saying he'd pay rent with his body from now on. Except, he thought Alhaitham was more likely to laugh and say that he would never pay for something he could get for free, and so Kaveh should still cough up that Mora.
Alhaitham closed his book and the hand on Kaveh's waist disappeared, much to his disappointment. Before he could pout, Alhaitham's hand was instead at his neck, guiding him in for a kiss. Not as gentle as the first, but still as chaste. Kaveh had to wonder if perhaps Alhaitham didn't know how to kiss? Or was he afraid that using tongue was too much this early on? Because Kaveh wanted to be kissed deeply. And he wanted Alhaitham's hands on his body while it happened.
He laughed internally; he knew exactly where his desires would take them. Alhaitham truly had the patience of a saint.
"Today was nice. Goodnight."
Kaveh blinked. That was it?! Only nice?! Just goodnight?! Why had Kaveh believed that Alhaitham would become more romantic all of a sudden? His expectations were too high! He was a fool for falling in love with Alhaitham – he had known this from the start, and he had a sinking feeling he would continue to be proven right!
He sighed. If anything, at least he could finally jack off to the thought of his roommate-now-boyfriend without guilt.
