Chapter Two
Nearly five years ago, John had proposed to her over a romantic dinner, and she had told him she was two months pregnant with their baby that same night. Even three months into their engagement, the giddiness they felt the night of the proposal had never worn off. In fact, they had only gotten more and more giddy as their wedding date approached, now only a month away. Anna was five months pregnant and excited for all the changes that were to come. A new baby, a new husband, and new titles that came along with each of those. Wife and mother were two of the most sacred words in her mind, and she couldn't wait to say them with pride in a few months. She had picked out a wedding gown that she knew would hug her six-month bump in all the right ways when she walked down that aisle to become a wife, and she and John had been attending lamaze classes and reading as much as they could to prepare for the moment when they became parents. Never in a million years would she have expected tragedy to strike her then.
Standing over their son's grave, Anna took John's hand and spoke aloud to their baby. "Hi James, I miss you," she said as her soft smile turned into more of a straight line. "And there's something I have to tell you, and I hope you won't be mad at me." Her breath faltered slightly but she continued, "Your daddy and I have been trying to have another baby. And after some news we got today, we think it might become a reality at some point in the future. We want you to know that this doesn't change the fact that we love you very much, and we miss you like hell. You will always be our first child, and we will always love you."
She wiped the tears that had silently begun to fall and looked up at her husband. He was crying too, but he gave his wife's hand a gentle squeeze. He wanted her to know how proud he was of her for coming here for the first time in a long while and for letting their son know how she felt. After a few moments of comforting silence, he looked down at the grave and smiled.
"I wish you were here, son." he said with a shaky breath. "But I know you're up in Heaven playing sports with your granddad and waiting patiently to see us again. I love you." John knelt down then and placed a single white flower onto his son's grave, tracing the letters that spelled his name, James William Bates, the baby taken from them before his life even began.
"And mummy loves you too, sweetheart." Anna knelt beside her husband, wrapped her hand gently around his arm, and placed her head on his shoulder. The couple stayed like that, getting some solace from being in their son's presence, until their knees begged them to stand up.
"I'm proud of you." John told his wife as they began the trek to leave the cemetery.
"Proud of me? What for?"
"For telling James how you felt. I know it is hard to think of our life moving on without him, even if it has for nearly five years. And I know we will miss him a lot when we have another baby and are thinking about the things we missed out on experiencing with him."
"I think I'll feel guilty for the rest of my life. Whenever I see or experience some milestone with our future children, I'll feel guilty for enjoying it when I know James is not here. But coming here today and assuring him how much we love and miss him helped me with some of that guilt, to process it," she admitted. "And I know I'm not even pregnant yet and probably won't get pregnant for some months yet, if I even do, but I guess I felt guilty for even feeling hopeful about a new baby until I let James know about it."
"You know, love, I think the time is finally right. I told you it would happen when the time was right, and I think now that we've worked through our grief, it is time."
"I thought we had worked through all our grief ages ago, especially when we started trying again."
"Yes, we had grieved the physical and emotional loss of James years ago and come to terms with everything. But as soon as we felt ready for the idea of a baby again, some of that pain came back. We had to grieve all over again. And then we had to grieve over the possibility that things might not work out," he explained. "And now that we have come to terms with our loss and with our predicament for trying again, an answer has made itself clear."
"I'm still not sure if IVF is the answer to all our problems, but I agree that now is the right time to try it."
"Darling, the doctor assured us that you're a good candidate for it. Our odds of it working will be just the same as anyone else's. And I dare say those are better odds than without it."
"I know, love. I just don't want to get my hopes up."
"How about we try to live as normal of a routine as possible while you're on the fertility treatments? It will just be us enjoying each other's company and our careers. Then, once you have the procedure, we can go back to worrying about the outcome."
"I think I rather like that plan." She smiled up at him lovingly and exhaled deeply. "It will be good to just act normally and not stress over something I can't control."
"I think it will do us both some good," he proclaimed with a soft smile before giving her a gentle kiss and continuing to walk hand-in-hand alongside her. He knew they could tackle this, as long as they did so together.
