A/N: Thank you SO much for all your love in reviews - keep them coming, they feed the muse! If you reviewed before Wednesday, please note that I have taken your feedback and this story is now set two MONTHS after Amanda's shooting. One note about this chapter: in the pilot, Amanda makes the statement that she has only been divorced for about a year, which would put it roughly in Sept/Oct of 1982.


Lee blinked in surprise. "Encrypted? As in-"

"I wrote in code."

"One of the Agency's codes?"

I shook my head. "No, we made it up-"

"Who's we?"

"Look, can we move to the sofa, please? I can show you the journals and explain."

He grunted as he held out his hand to me and I took it, leaning close enough to kiss him. "Are you mad?"

"I'm not mad, Amanda, I'm worried."

I squeezed his hand. "Come on," I tugged and led him to the living room, and we sat side by side, as I took one of my journals out of the box. "This is my journal from 1983-84. Go ahead, open it."

He took the dark blue volume from my hand and opened it, and I watched as he skimmed the first few pages, of January 1983, his eyes growing wet with emotion.

"Oh, Amanda," he breathed my name softly, reaching an arm out to pull me close. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you back then – you were in so much pain."

I nodded against his shoulder. "In January of '83, I was just three months out of my marriage from Joe – that pain was fresh and raw. Daddy also died a month after the divorce was finalized. I hardly knew which way was up – if it weren't for the boys and Mother moving in to help out, I – I shudder to think what I would have done."

Lee set the journal down and grabbed my shoulders, shaking me hard. "No! I refuse to believe that – you are the strongest woman I know, remember?"

I shook my head. "Now – and only because you helped bring it out in me-"

"I will not let you sell yourself short – it was always there."

I lifted a hand and caressed his face. "I love you."

He pressed a brief kiss to my lips. "And I love you, Amanda King Stetson."

"So, I'm forgiven for writing the journals?"

He gave me a chastising look. "My jury is still out – let's skip ahead to when we met, shall we?"

I nodded. "Go ahead – I've got nothing to hide."

He snorted as he picked the journal up and flipped pages until he reached the date of our meeting in October of 1983. He frowned as he scanned the page and then flipped a few more before looking up to see me smothering my laughter with a hand.

"All right!" He threw the journal on the table and faced me again. "I can see it's written in some sort of code – but that doesn't mean it can't be cracked!"

I shook my head. "Not without the authors of the code – myself and Debbi Ann McCabe."

"Debbi – your childhood best friend?"

I nodded. "She moved into the neighborhood when I was ten, the summer before fifth grade, and we were inseparable. We spent every day together, riding our bikes, going to the library, playing at the park. But we found out that when school started, we were going to be separated for most of the day because there were two fifth grade classrooms – you see, her last name started with an 'M' and mine started with a 'W'. We were devastated that we were only going to see each other at recess and lunch-"

"A-MAN-da-" Lee's voice broke into my ramble and I smiled, secretly thrilled that I could still exasperate him with my long-winded rambles.

"I know, I know, I'm getting to it. We invented this code so that we could pass notes between classes when we were both in the hallway – that way if a teacher saw us or another kid read the note, it wouldn't make any sense to them if they took it from us. Wasn't that clever of two ten-year-old girls?"

He grunted. "It is pretty ingenious."

"When you and I met years later, I knew I couldn't talk to anyone about our work – or you – or us. But I needed to get out how I was feeling somehow or else I was going to go crazy. And then I remembered 'the code'. So I started to encrypt my journal entries – at least the parts that had to do with you and the agency." I stopped to take a deep breath. "Well, what do you think? Have I compromised the agency? Am I a risk to national security?"

"You're telling me that no one else knows this code except a friend from your childhood?"

"That's right."

"Where is this Debbi Ann now?"

"Well, in tenth grade, her father got a big promotion and the family moved to Toronto."

"Canada?"

I nodded.

"You two still in touch?"

"Gosh, I haven't seen Debbi Ann in years – the last time she came to Washington was back when Joe and I were still married. Jamie was really little – maybe two years old? We do still exchange Christmas cards every year – and no, they aren't written in code."

He grunted again and picked up my journal, a speculative gleam in his eye.

I narrowed my eyes. "What are you thinking about?"

"Well – the only way to be absolutely sure is to read-"

I snatched the book from his hand. "Hold it, buster. You're not going to read all my private thoughts and feelings-"

"But Darling – we're married now. We don't keep secrets from each other, remember?"

"Lee, I don't think you'll like everything you read in here – or have you developed amnesia and forgotten how awful you treated me in the beginning of our relationship?"

"No, I haven't." He rubbed his hands up and down my arms. "I just thought it would be fun to walk down memory lane, see how we fell in love all over again."

I shook my head at him, trying to control my body's response to his caresses but failing miserably. I pulled away, curling my feet up under me as I flipped open the journal. "Fine, but I decide how much and which entries I share with you-"

Lee lowered his head to my lap, grinning up at me like a lovesick idiot.

"Deal."


10/3/83

Thank goodness I remember the code Debbi Ann and I created in fifth grade so that I can at least write down my feelings here. I think I'd burst if I had to bottle everything up.

The past two days have been the strangest of my life – and the hardest part is that I can't talk to anyone about it. I've been sworn to secrecy though I hardly know any of the details. I mean, in the end, I did save Lee's life, but I don't know what it was all about – not really. Just that it had something to do with national security.

I can't imagine how different things would be if I hadn't been running late to drop Dean off at the train station yesterday morning. I mean, if I had been on time – or if I had been running even later, I never would have met Lee at all. He would have handed that package to some other person and perhaps changed their life forever – because that's what it feels like. I feel like nothing is going to be the same now.

When he grabbed my arm at the station and spun both of us around, and we started walking together in the opposite direction, I could feel the tension in his body and the urgency in his voice. I saw the fear in his eyes – and ultimately it was that fear that propelled me to action. Well, that combined with watching two men tackle him to the ground after I'd taken the package from him. I knew then that whatever he'd given me was dangerous and I needed to get rid of it as soon as possible – but that was easier said than done! That whole train car was full of men in red hats! I didn't pick the right one in the baseball cap – he was lost in a sea of red fez.

I know I should have just left it alone after Lee got in touch with me again- taken the package to the party and then walked away. I mean, I do need a job – but this kind of work isn't for me – I don't want to put myself in danger – even though I have to admit that working with Lee the past two days was something of a rush. But I'd need training – lots of training to do a job like this. And Lee made it perfectly clear that there was no guarantee of steady work – in fact, he said it was unlikely that we would work together in the future. He was so cold and distant – acting like working with me was such a huge burden. And yet – I could see and hear the pain in his voice when we met at the Lincoln Memorial. He is carrying some deep scars from this work – and that should serve as a warning to me not to get further involved. I need to walk away now. I need to think of the boys and Mother – they would be devastated if something happened to me. And yet – I can't forget the pain in Lee's eyes. He is such a sad man, still grieving over the loss of his partner. I would like to somehow stay in touch and be his friend if nothing else.

And then there is the fact that if I did continue to work there on a part-time basis, I'd have to lie to Mother and the boys and Dean about all of this – about everything. No one could know what I was doing – I'd have to lead a secret double life. One at home and one at work.

I don't think I'm cut out to do this.


An hour later, Lee and I were snuggled in bed like two stacked spoons after making love. One arm was wrapped around my waist while his other hand was gently tracing the scar left from my bullet wound and surgery. I captured his hand in mine, lacing our fingers together, before kissing his palm.

"Penny for your thoughts-"

He sighed into my hair. "Amanda- I just – I came so close to losing you – I don't want anyone to find your journals and use them against us –"

I rolled over to face him. "I think you're worrying over nothing-"

He opened his mouth to speak but I placed my fingers on his lips.

"But – how about this? After our trip down memory lane, we burn them."

He reared back in surprise, my fingers falling away from his face. "You'd do that?"

I shrugged my shoulder. "I don't need them anymore. I have you now-"

He rolled me beneath him, pinning my body to the mattress. "I can't believe you'd do that for me-"

I shook my head. "Not for you – for us."

"Wherever did you hide them at your house – you know, so your mother and the boys didn't find them?"

I grinned. "There's a loose floorboard under my bed-"

"Clever – anyone ever told you you'd make a great spy?"

"Oh, I think I've heard that once or twice," I giggled. "Lee, I did bring the journals here to share parts of them with you – and it doesn't bother me that you want to get rid of them. If that's what you think is best to keep us safe then-"

He pressed a quick kiss to my lips before rolling to his side, taking me with him. "Read some more to me tomorrow? Maybe then I can make an informed decision. For now-"

I raised my eyebrows and leaned in close, my breath warming his face. "Yes?"

"I need you."

Desire shot through me as my husband spoke those three familiar words to me in the privacy of our bedroom – words that took on a whole new meaning now that we were married. I swung my leg over his, so that we were skin to skin.

"Again?" I teased him, my fingers caressing his bare chest.

"I've always needed you, Amanda," Lee whispered softly. "It just – you know – took me longer to admit that I needed you here, with me-"

I rolled myself on top of him and felt a thrill shoot through me as he moaned. "We got here in the end, Sweetheart. That's all that matters."


A/N: There's so much more to come - this is really the calm before the storm - you want more? Please drop me a line in review!