A/N: I hope you are enjoying Amanda's journal entries - because I am having a blast writing them! BTW: I don't own anything or anybody and all mistakes are mine! Enjoy.
"Whatever happened to that Dean guy, anyway?"
Lee and I were back at his apartment, snuggling together on our bed. The boys had raved about Lee's burgers – insisting that he come over and barbecue at least once a week during the summer. We had lingered to play a game of CLUE, in which my mother as Mrs. White, trounced all of us, before saying good night to the boys.
"I'll be back in a bit, Mother. I just need to pick up my car-"
She shook her head at me, giving me a knowing smile. "You take your time, Darling. I won't expect to see you before breakfast."
I blushed, she laughed, and gave Lee a big hug, calling him 'Son' for the first time as we left the house.
Now we were back at Lee's, stretched out on the bed, still fully clothed when he broke the silence by asking me about my long-lost boyfriend.
I slapped his chest gently. "You know good and well what happened to him, Stetson. Don't play the innocent with me."
"Well – I assume you broke things off with him since he just sort of disappeared from your life one day-"
I smiled. "Correct."
"But I don't know any of the details –"
I sat up and stared at him. "And you want to? I don't want to hear about your exploits with Margo and Randi and-"
He pressed a finger to my lips. "I'm not talking about those kinds of details. I want to know when you realized he wasn't the one for you – and I was."
I rolled my eyes. "You are so full of yourself-"
He waggled his eyebrows. "You did marry me and not him."
"Thank goodness for that! Did I ever tell you that he wanted to name the next hurricane after me?"
Lee gave a short bark of laughter, then sobered. "You're serious?"
"That was the story according to my mother, anyway."
"Whatever did you see in that guy?"
I huffed out a breath and leaned back against my pillow. "I don't know – he was a great listener, sweet, kind to the boys-"
"Sounds like a German Shepherd."
I smiled and lifted my hand, letting my fingers caress Lee's chest. "But there was no spark –"
Lee captured my hand and kissed the back. I shivered from the current of electricity that passed through me from that simple contact.
"None?" he asked, as he flipped my hand over and kissed the palm.
My heartbeat was roaring in my ears, and I struggled to focus on what we were talking about. I shook my head as I lifted my free hand and caressed his lips, watching as his eyes darkened in desire.
"Dean was my rebound from my decade long marriage to Joe – he eased me back into the dating scene – but he wasn't the new love of my life – that was you – I knew very early on-"
He moved quickly, rolling me beneath him. "How early?"
I smirked into his eyes. "I have just two words for you, Scarecrow: chili dogs."
1/31/84
After the events of the past couple of days, I think it's going to be a long time before I'm going to want to eat, let alone look, at another chili dog.
It always starts so innocently: Lee calls and tells me that he needs me to do a simple courier assignment – just pick up a note from such and such a person at such and such a place and bring it to him at such and such a location.
That's it – that's all.
Then I can get on with my day – which, by the way, is quite busy as mother has invited Dean's mother, Evelyn, over for lunch.
I know what mother's trying to do. She wants me to take my relationship with Dean to the next level – I know that he has a ring – and that the two of them are conspiring together about how and when to give it to me. I had a sneaking suspicion that he was going to pop the question on New Year's Eve but fortunately Lee asked me to be his date at the Russian Embassy at the last minute because one of his contacts needed to slip him some classified documents. Is it terrible of me that I enjoyed dancing the night away and ringing in 1984 in Lee's arms instead of my boyfriend's? Every time Lee looks at me or touches my arm, I feel this current pass between us – a pull of something that I can't define – but it's something I've never felt when I'm with Dean.
Perhaps that's why I'm so defensive when I meet Lee at the chili dog stand with the note and he asks if I'm still seeing Dean and what it is I see in him. I mean, first of all, it's none of his business. And second, why does it matter to him who I'm dating? It's not as if he has feelings for me-
Does he?
No, that's ridiculous. Lee dates a different woman every couple of weeks, going through them like my boys go through breakfast cereal. Philip and Jamie discover a new flavor at the market and eat it exclusively for two to three weeks and then get tired of it, moving onto a new cereal by the end of the month.
Much like Lee and his women.
Lee once told me that the worst thing I could do is get emotionally involved – 'You need to keep your feelings separate from your work, Amanda. It's the only way you'll survive in this business.'
I wonder what he'd say if he knew that I'm falling in love with him.
Of course, I never plan to tell him how I feel. There would be no point. I couldn't bear to see the pitiful look on his face when he tried to let me down gently.
The man can barely tolerate to work with me – he still sees me as the helpless, untrained suburban housewife that bumbles into trouble that he has to constantly rescue. Never mind the fact that he is the one that got me into this business in the first place. I think most days he conveniently forgets that part . . . until something happens that reminds him, and then he feels that he is responsible for me – though I remind him almost daily that I can take care of myself.
I know he feels bad for leaving me alone at Milo's Daffy Dog, which allowed me to get abducted yet again. But this time I managed to get away all on my own, without waiting for him to rescue me. It wasn't his fault that I crashed the car and got amnesia – though temporarily forgetting about working with him is something that I need to take some time to think about.
As afraid as I was that I couldn't remember Lee or working together, there was this underlying sense of peace whenever I was with him and looked into his eyes. It was like the unconscious part of me was trying to communicate and tell the awake me that I could trust this man – he would keep me safe.
Memory is a funny thing. I remembered bits and pieces of my life with Joe first – our wedding, the births of Philip and Jamie, other happy memories, and then finally our divorce. Interspersed with these memories were images of chili dogs, napkins, code words, and Lee's face.
None of these early memory flashes included Dean.
The first real memory I had of Lee was of him kissing me during the football case we worked together – though I didn't know what it was all about when I remembered it. All I saw in my mind's eye was him kissing me and the feelings washed over me along with this epiphany:
I'm in love with this man.
My second memory of Lee came as I was racing to get on the plane once I'd learned about the nerve gas.
We were tied up in straight jackets in a bookie's office and I looked at Lee from under my lashes – he had already nodded off; it was late at night. I got up and crossed to his side, whispering his name.
"Hmm?"
"Lee, you'd be more comfortable on the couch-"
"Mm- 'Manda-" he opened one eye and blinked at me sleepily. "You take the couch, I'm ok here."
"You'll get a backache in that chair – besides, doesn't the senior agent always get the bed?"
He chuckled. "That lumpy couch isn't a bed – go on, lie down before I change my mind."
I shook off the memory as I raced into the cockpit and buckled myself in. Did Lee know how I felt? Did he feel the same way about me? Had he been lying to me earlier when he said there wasn't anything personal between us?
Even as I was talking to De G-, begging him not to take off, explaining that there was nerve gas onboard and I didn't want my family to die, my memories returned fast and furious.
The train station.
Pilgrim's Peach Puff.
Russian spies.
Lee getting shot.
And finally, my memories of Dean trickled back into my mind – and I remembered the lunch with Evelyn that I had missed. Instead of feeling bad about it, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. I hadn't wanted to have lunch with the woman in the first place – it would have given her a false impression of me – the idea that I might one day be her daughter-in-law. Mrs. Dean McGuire.
That's never going to happen. Even though I'll never be anything more to Lee than what I am right now, I can't marry Dean.
There's no spark – and I don't love him.
Mother will be very disappointed, though she will understand once I explain – she wants me to be happy, after all. But breaking up with Dean won't be easy – the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt him and I think the man does have genuine feelings for me. Is it love? Maybe. Is it romantic love – the kind that Joe and I had and that I hope to one day have with – no, I don't think Dean loves me like that. I think that I'm comfortable and familiar and safe. Perhaps that's enough for him.
But it's not enough for me.
Lee was very quiet after I finished reading my journal entry to him.
"Lee?" I whispered, not wanting to startle him, but I needed to know what he was thinking. "You ok?" I set the blue volume on the bed, running a hand down his arm, and capturing his hand in mine.
"Hmm?"
"What is it?" I squeezed his hand and waited for him to answer me.
"I just – it's a lot to process – hearing all your thoughts and feelings about us so early in our partnership. You were so sure about how you felt and I was so clueless-"
I laughed softly. "You wanted to know what happened to Dean-"
He turned his head and brushed his lips across mine. "I guess I did – did he take it hard?"
I blew out a breath as I cast my mind back to that night. "He was hurt and confused. I remember he brought over chili dogs for dinner as a treat for me and the boys as he'd heard about my accident and didn't want me to go to the trouble of cooking-"
"Chili dogs – really?"
I nodded. "Yeah – I couldn't eat them. Just seeing them brought back the memory of being grabbed and-" I shuddered.
He pulled me to his side. "I understand. I couldn't eat chicken salad for a year after Retzig poisoned you."
I grinned and pressed my lips to his. For several minutes, neither of us spoke as our mouths met again and again, my blood pressure rising as I felt every nerve ending on my skin sparking to life.
"Lee," I panted against him, trying to catch my breath. "Why don't I go slip into something a bit more comfortable? We have this last night of our honeymoon weekend before reality sets in tomorrow and I'd really rather spend it doing something more pleasurable than discussing old boyfriends-"
"Did you have an activity in mind, Mrs. Stetson?"
"You haven't seen everything I packed in my overnight bag, Mr. Stetson." I pecked his lips before I slid off the bed and grabbed the bag's handles.
"Wait!" His voice stopped me before I could go into the bathroom to change, and I turned to see him holding the velvet box that held our wedding rings. "You're forgetting something."
"Lee," I breathed his name on a soft sigh as he slipped the gold band on my finger and I dropped the bag so I could return the favor, before I brought his face to mine, kissing him thoroughly. "Give me five minutes."
"I'll be here."
In the bathroom, I slipped out of my light sweater and slacks, folding them carefully on the countertop before reaching into the bag and pulling out the lacy negligee that I hadn't worn since our wedding night. My hair was down but since I knew how much Lee liked it when I wore it up just so he could take it down, I dug in the drawer to find some clips and a blue ribbon to put it up in a messy bun. Pinching my cheeks to put a bit of color back into them, I turned off the light and stepped back into the bedroom.
Lee had been busy in my absence. He'd dimmed the lights and lit candles, bathing the room in a soft romantic glow. Music was playing on his sound system, and I smiled as I recognized the band REO Speedwagon. Lee was just coming back into the room from the kitchen, carrying two flutes of champagne, wearing nothing but dark blue silk boxers and he stopped short when he caught sight of me in the bathroom doorway.
"Amanda," he breathed my name like a prayer, as he moved quickly, setting the flutes down on his dresser, and crossing the floor to take me in his arms. "You are a vision."
"You aren't so bad yourself, handsome."
He captured my hands and pushed me away to arm's length, looking me up and down. "This looks familiar-" He pulled me back in, fingering a spaghetti strap.
"I should hope so-"
"Dance with me."
I rested my head on his chest as Lee pulled me into the circle of his arms and we swayed together as the song 'Keep on Lovin' You' started to play.
"Do you remember the first time we danced to this song?"
I nodded, not lifting my head. "It was at the Russian Embassy; on that New Year's Eve I wrote about in my journal. You drove me crazy back then when we played those boyfriend girlfriend covers, and you would hold me close to you when we danced or kissed my hand during dinner. I knew I was only fooling myself, letting myself think that you cared about me –"
"No, Love. I was the fool back then. For not seeing what was right in front of me." He lifted his hand and cupped my cheek as he sang along with the band, "'I don't wanna sleep, I just wanna keep on lovin' you.'"
I leaned up and whispered in his ear, my breath hot on his skin. "For all the days of our lives."
Lee groaned and slipped an arm under my knees, lifting me off my feet as our lips met in a hungry kiss.
"Bed, Mrs. Stetson?"
I felt like a live wire, sparking in his arms, incapable of speech. So, I peppered his face with wet open-mouthed kisses, and I giggled as I felt my husband's knees start to buckle under us.
"If you want me to make it with you to the bed, I suggest you hold off -"
"Good thing you never asked me to provide this type of distraction on the job-" I gasped as he tossed me onto the bed and slowly climbed up my body, a predatory gleam in his eye.
"This type of distraction is strictly need to know- for our eyes only."
"Stetson."
My eyes flew open in the darkness as I woke up to the gruffness of my husband's voice answering the phone with his last name. He must have answered it on the first or second ring as I was a light sleeper and would have awakened if the phone had rung multiple times. When I had started to make a habit of staying the night, Lee had moved the phone over to his side of the bed so that if it rang in the middle of the night, he would be sure to answer it instead of me. Neither one of us wanted to explain to Billy or Dr. Smythe or even Francine what I was doing at Lee's apartment in the wee small hours of the morning.
I reached out a hand and placed it on his bare back. Lee turned and looked at me over his shoulder, smiling tightly as he mouthed the word 'Billy'.
I slumped back down in the bed, adjusting the sheet around my naked body, listening to his side of the conversation.
"Billy, it's the middle of the night – well, actually I do have – what? How the hell did that happen?"
Lee swung his legs out of bed and sat up, his shoulders slumping as he ran a hand through his hair. I moved to sit behind him, wrapping myself around his body. He captured my hands in his, holding them against his chest. I could feel his heartbeat through his skin, and I could also feel from the tension in his body that for the moment at least, my husband was gone. I was sharing a bed with Scarecrow, the hardened, seasoned agent. I sighed as I pressed a kiss into his shoulder blade and tried to scoot away but Lee tightened his grip on my hands and shook his head, this time turning his head to look at me over his shoulder.
"Stay," he whispered, his voice too low to carry over the line to Billy.
I nodded and pressed my face to his back.
"Billy, why can't Amanda come with me? She's my partner and she's been cleared- I know she still has to qualify – yes, Francine has been working with me while Amanda has been on desk duty but – Dr. Smyth? What does he have to do with this?"
I stiffened at the mention of Smyth's name – the man had never been our champion and I wondered what he had in store for us now.
"A special assignment – without me? Billy, Amanda and I are a team – what? No, she's not here – well, I don't know where she is- what do you mean, her Wagoneer isn't at the house – how do you know?"
I was trying to stifle my laughter against his back, but I was failing miserably.
"You talked to Amanda's mother? Billy- I can explain-" Lee's words faltered and came to a stop as he turned and stared at me.
I held out my hand. "We're caught, Scarecrow. Give me the phone."
"Amanda-" he started, but then stopped, lost for words.
"What did you tell me earlier? 'It's going to be okay'?" I reached up and brushed back some hair that had fallen over his left eye. "I'm not willing to give this up either. Give me the phone, Lee."
He gave me a tight nod and handed me the receiver.
"Hello, Sir."
A/N: Gulp, what exactly does Billy know?
Sorry I didn't get quite as far as I thought I would in this chapter - Lee and Amanda had a lot to say/do! Coming up: separate assignments for our couple, a mother/daughter chat, and that surprise visitor shows up - want it? Drop me a line/love in reviews!
